Mention it or don’t? How should I phrase it?

Onedaywriter · May 2021

So this morning I went to the gym and saw an acquaintance that I haven’t seen since January or so. I changed my workout time so haven’t been there this early for a while. OMG- she lost a lot of weight and looked so much more toned and muscular at first I didn’t recognize her!

I wanted to congratulate her because I’m too familiar with the effort in such a change, but I also felt strange doing so. I personally felt very encouraged by positive comments so I wanted to give praise but I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. .
I’ve seen a lot of posts where people are upset because they think nobody noticed, but others seem to be uncomfortable with any comment about weight/ body change at all- even positive ones.

Sorry I’m so socially inept I have to ask an online forum, but what is appropriate?

Thanks

cmriverside · May 2021

If it's the opposite sex and you're not sure how it would be taken, Say Nothing!!!!!!!!

cmriverside · May 2021

I guess it doesn't even matter if it's the opposite sex, if you don't know someone really well it's a bad idea to mention weight.

IMO it's always a bad idea, no matter what.

penguinmama87 · May 2021

If you haven't said hi to her yet, I'd start there and ask her how she's been.

jjpptt2 · May 2021

penguinmama87 wrote: »

If you haven't said hi to her yet, I'd start there and ask her how she's been.

Agreed. Acknowledge him/her in some way and play it from there. If a conversation ensues, then it can be mentioned more naturally/casually. If not, just let it go.

If you don't know the person well enough to know how they will take it, it's always safer to not say anything.

SuzySunshine99 · May 2021

I think that the gym setting actually makes a difference.

Usually, I would tell you to say nothing, but in that environment, I think it would be appropriate to say, “You look great, what has been your fitness routine?”

Then it’s more standard gym talk, asking about strategies and techniques rather than a random comment with no context.

wunderkindking · May 2021

Agreeing with gym setting making a difference. I don't really want, or make, comments on physical looks in most of life. Clothes, hair, sure, but not THEM/things they can't really change easily.

I think "Hey, it's been a while. It's good to see you again," is probably where to start with a non-specific ' you look great' as follow up. The thing to really avoid, IMO, is commenting on some specific aspect of her body.

wunderkindking · May 2021

Actually in retrospect, you know what I would do?

COMPLIMENT HER PERFORMANCE.

ahoy_m8 · May 2021

SuzySunshine99 wrote: »

I think that the gym setting actually makes a difference.

Usually, I would tell you to say nothing, but in that environment, I think it would be appropriate to say, “You look great, what has been your fitness routine?”

Then it’s more standard gym talk, asking about strategies and techniques rather than a random comment with no context.

Or replace the value judgement ("look great") with effort acknowledgement, e.g. something like, "I know how much hard work it takes for me to get visible results. It looks like you have been working hard." And gauge her enthusiasm for gym talk.

Totally agree that any value judgement on someone's appearance, no matter how well meaning, is fraught in a professional work context. In a sports/fitness context, though, it's usually ok to talk sports/fitness. But saying nothing is almost always safer than saying something if you're unsure.

Latrellis · May 2021

Just tell her she looks great! No need to talk specifics.

cmriverside · May 2021

I would not like a man to comment on my body, my weight, or my workout routine unless he was my husband regardless of where it was or how I was dressed, etc.

It's always intrusive to me if a man comments on my body in any way. Hair, clothes, eyes, shape, none of that would be okay to me.

~Signed, maybe I'm a bit tetchy.

MaltedTea · May 2021

Onedaywriter wrote: »

*snip*
I wanted to congratulate her because I’m too familiar with the effort in such a change, but I also felt strange doing so. I personally felt very encouraged by positive comments so I wanted to give praise but I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. .

*snip*

I think if you preface your compliment this way it would go a long way in reducing the awkwardness and increasing the sincerity.

It's all quite sweet, really.

springlering62 · May 2021

Would it make sense to say, judge your own motivation for comment?

Most people who say something to me, I sincerely appreciate the (I’ll be honest) ego boost.

There’s been a few, however, who came off as very creepy. But the same people made my skin crawl even before I was slim.

If you’re doing it with sincerity it’s one thing. If you’re doing it with a “hey, baby, I’m available even though you’re clearly not but I’m just hoping you’re easy” attitude, it comes through as such.

Sadly, they don’t know who they are. So maybe discretion is the better part of valour.

🤷🏻‍♀️

heathermarie911 · May 2021

I think it's safe if you say "you're looking healthy" or something along those lines. Personally, I wouldn't find that creepy and it's always nice to get a compliment and recognition for your hard work.

DeterminedDivaMN · May 2021

You could maybe say something like “Wow! You’ve had phenomenal results!” And then whatever else you’d say to an acquaintance. I hadn’t seen my UPS driver for quite some time and he said, “I’ve just got to say this, but you’ve done an amazing job losing weight!” And then the plumber said something too… like “You’ve lost a ton of weight! I know from experience that it is a LOT of work!” (I’d lost 190 lbs between both of them seeing me.)

qhob_89 · May 2021

It doesn’t seem like you’re being creep, and are trying to be sincerely nice. Since you said “acquaintance” I take it as this is someone you’ve interacted with at the gym previously. (If no previous interaction, I probably wouldn’t say anything). I think saying something along the lines of... hey there, haven’t seen you in awhile. It looks like you’ve been putting in a lot of hard work at the gym and you have some great results to show for it! (Could even throw in- hope I’m not coming off offensive, just wanted to applaud your hard work!

hipari · May 2021

heathermarie911 wrote: »

I think it's safe if you say "you're looking healthy" or something along those lines. Personally, I wouldn't find that creepy and it's always nice to get a compliment and recognition for your hard work.

Difference of opinion here: for me, ”you’re looking healthy” would probably be the creepiest and most offensive option I can think of.

By commenting on my perceived health, they’d be implying that I looked unhealthy previously, that my health is somehow visible on the outside, and that my health is somehow their business and not my private matter. At the same time, some ridiculous ”hey sexy” type of creep would be focused on what actually is visible to the eye and not making assumptions about a deeply personal matter, since sexiness is in the eye of the beholder (or creepy commenter) and not a private medical matter.

Like others, I’d focus on performance, results in terms of improving their lifting, or even just the fact that she’s clearly formed a gym-going habit. Genuine interest in her lifting program (if you are interested, that is) could also be nice. Something like ”really nice to see you, I’ve been on a different schedule so haven’t seen you in a while, it seems like your program is giving some great results, do you mind sharing what you do?”

ReenieHJ · May 2021

MaltedTea wrote: »

Onedaywriter wrote: »

*snip*
I wanted to congratulate her because I’m too familiar with the effort in such a change, but I also felt strange doing so. I personally felt very encouraged by positive comments so I wanted to give praise but I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. .

*snip*

I think if you preface your compliment this way it would go a long way in reducing the awkwardness and increasing the sincerity.

It's all quite sweet, really.

Exactly this. I remember meeting a peer in the store one day and noticed she'd lost quite a bit of weight. I approached her somewhat like this. I simply told her that I was hoping it wasn't awkward or unkind of me in some way to notice that she'd lost a lot of weight and asked her how she did it. But see, I wouldn't be offended by someone mentioning it but it appears many would. So IDK. But I do think if you mention your awkwardness and hesitancy out right, she'd accept it much better.
JMO

TBO, I'd rather it be noticed than not noticed IIWM.
Good luck

PKM0515 · May 2021

I (female) would definitely want to hear a compliment. Maybe I have an "older" mindset, but I like the positive recognition.

As you indicated, we work hard to get where we are. For me, personally, it's nice to be acknowledged.

tuckerrj · May 2021

"Wow, you look amazing!", shouldn't be viewed as anything other than complimentary. There's a good chance you'll make someone's day brighter. Sadly, I let most of these opportunities go by.

jjpptt2 · May 2021

Here's the flip side of the coin...

All you can control is what you say and how you say it. If your intention is kind/sincere, and you make a reasonable effort to not be creepy or inappropriate, then that's all you can do. You can't control how they will take it... and if someone chooses to take it a certain way or read something offensive into it, then that's on them and likely tied to their own emotional baggage.

Assuming you've spoken with this person in the past... something like, "Hey, haven't seen you in a while... you look great!" is general/casual but still on point. If they take offence to that, then future conversations are likely doomed.

kenyonhaff · May 2021

You can rarely go wrong with phrases like:
"Hi! So good running into you!"
"What's your favorite (class, personal trainer, gym equipment) here?"
"I like your shirt!"
"Good to see you! How are you!"

I find, as an introvert, people mostly want to be acknowledge that they exist, want to talk about themselves more than talk about you, and the more they talk the more chance you can "read the room".

ythannah · May 2021

DeterminedDivaMN wrote: »

You could maybe say something like “Wow! You’ve had phenomenal results!” And then whatever else you’d say to an acquaintance. I hadn’t seen my UPS driver for quite some time and he said, “I’ve just got to say this, but you’ve done an amazing job losing weight!” And then the plumber said something too… like “You’ve lost a ton of weight! I know from experience that it is a LOT of work!” (I’d lost 190 lbs between both of them seeing me.)

I like this one. You're complimenting the work more than the appearance.

And congratulations on your own achievement, DeterminedDiva. You are indeed determined!

westrich20940 · May 2021

I think it's totally fine to tell someone they're looking great or praise their hard work. I think you just have to think about how you phrase something like that.

I've lost ~35lbs and I'm 5'3" and petite ( so weight loss or gain shows on me)....and now I'm definitely at the lower end of the general weight range for my height....but I do not think I look sick or anything --- but now I want to gain some muscle. People at first were like, "Oh wow! You lost a lot of weight!" and then immediately went into comments like "You're disappearing!" or "You don't need to lose anymore weight!"...etc. Those kinds of comments I've found have started to make me feel a little self-conscious. I know that I'm healthier now (before I was definitely overweight). When I hear comments like that (like I actually had 2 ppl say something like that to me yesterday) it makes me start thinking about what my own body image is. I think I look good right now...a little 'scrawny' maybe but I haven't been able to go to the gym until I got vaccinated so now I"m going. But it makes me second guess myself and think, "Do I look sick to other ppl or too skinny even though I think I look OK?".....so it can just be hard.

But it's always totally fine to tell someone they're doing good...just don't make it such a huge deal I guess. IDK....I don't think there's a right answer really other than what someone's preference is, which you don't know stuff like that unless you're close and talk about it.

ReenieHJ · May 2021

What I find rude is the exact opposite, if someone mentions I've gained weight. *That's* when I'd like to trip them going down the stairs.

Onedaywriter · May 2021

Thanks for all the feedback! I decided to just not say anything. The folks who said I shouldn’t mention it seem very adamant in their opinions, so I’m concerned. Clearly some would be uncomfortable.
Very interesting though- if it was a man- I wouldn’t have even thought about saying something. I just would have and I think it would be encouraging for most guys.
Also, I saw on another thread about how some women felt nobody noticed some large weight losses. Maybe folks did, but like me decided it’s best to just mention it.

Legs_McGee23 · May 2021

I seem to be in the minority here, but I love compliments. If someone walked up to me in the gym and told me I looked great, that would be a pretty awesome start to the day. I wouldn't specifically mention weight though.

John772016 · May 2021

When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.

We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.

I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.

I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.

Diatonic12 · May 2021

@John772016 I really like your take.

You are soo right. We no longer know whether to wind our butts or scratch our watches. If it doesn't feel right don't say a single word. If you're shooting straight from the lips with your heart it will usually come out alright.

whoami67 · May 2021

Having lost and gained weight repeatedly over the years, I take any compliment on my appearance as a reminder that I will soon be fat again. It depresses me. I've also lost (and gained) weight from serious health issues so sometimes a comment that I'm looking great is really a reminder that being very ill is perceived as a good thing in our thin obsessed society.

Probably in the gym, I think it would be okay to comment on someone looking stronger or fitter, but not necessarily healthier or thinner.

ExistingFish · May 2021

tuckerrj wrote: »

"Wow, you look amazing!", shouldn't be viewed as anything other than complimentary. There's a good chance you'll make someone's day brighter. Sadly, I let most of these opportunities go by.

I agree. I don't know how "You look great!" said with a friendly smile could be taken as offensive, I really don't. I mean, I could see how it could be said inappropriately, but most adults know the difference - you can have a genuine smile and eye contact and it's a compliment, you can do the lingering eye sweep and it's creepy...

I wouldn't make any presumptions about how healthy/unhealthy they are, or how much work they have put in - you don't really have those facts. All you know is they look great today, and that should be fine.

Mention it or don’t? How should I phrase it?

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