Mention it or don’t? How should I phrase it?
Replies
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You can rarely go wrong with phrases like:
"Hi! So good running into you!"
"What's your favorite (class, personal trainer, gym equipment) here?"
"I like your shirt!"
"Good to see you! How are you!"
I find, as an introvert, people mostly want to be acknowledge that they exist, want to talk about themselves more than talk about you, and the more they talk the more chance you can "read the room".7 -
DeterminedDivaMN wrote: »You could maybe say something like “Wow! You’ve had phenomenal results!” And then whatever else you’d say to an acquaintance. I hadn’t seen my UPS driver for quite some time and he said, “I’ve just got to say this, but you’ve done an amazing job losing weight!” And then the plumber said something too… like “You’ve lost a ton of weight! I know from experience that it is a LOT of work!” (I’d lost 190 lbs between both of them seeing me.)
I like this one. You're complimenting the work more than the appearance.
And congratulations on your own achievement, DeterminedDiva. You are indeed determined!5 -
I think it's totally fine to tell someone they're looking great or praise their hard work. I think you just have to think about how you phrase something like that.
I've lost ~35lbs and I'm 5'3" and petite ( so weight loss or gain shows on me)....and now I'm definitely at the lower end of the general weight range for my height....but I do not think I look sick or anything --- but now I want to gain some muscle. People at first were like, "Oh wow! You lost a lot of weight!" and then immediately went into comments like "You're disappearing!" or "You don't need to lose anymore weight!"...etc. Those kinds of comments I've found have started to make me feel a little self-conscious. I know that I'm healthier now (before I was definitely overweight). When I hear comments like that (like I actually had 2 ppl say something like that to me yesterday) it makes me start thinking about what my own body image is. I think I look good right now...a little 'scrawny' maybe but I haven't been able to go to the gym until I got vaccinated so now I"m going. But it makes me second guess myself and think, "Do I look sick to other ppl or too skinny even though I think I look OK?".....so it can just be hard.
But it's always totally fine to tell someone they're doing good...just don't make it such a huge deal I guess. IDK....I don't think there's a right answer really other than what someone's preference is, which you don't know stuff like that unless you're close and talk about it.2 -
What I find rude is the exact opposite, if someone mentions I've gained weight. *That's* when I'd like to trip them going down the stairs.
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Thanks for all the feedback! I decided to just not say anything. The folks who said I shouldn’t mention it seem very adamant in their opinions, so I’m concerned. Clearly some would be uncomfortable.
Very interesting though- if it was a man- I wouldn’t have even thought about saying something. I just would have and I think it would be encouraging for most guys.
Also, I saw on another thread about how some women felt nobody noticed some large weight losses. Maybe folks did, but like me decided it’s best to just mention it.8 -
I seem to be in the minority here, but I love compliments. If someone walked up to me in the gym and told me I looked great, that would be a pretty awesome start to the day. I wouldn't specifically mention weight though.10
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When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.8 -
@John772016 I really like your take. You are soo right. We no longer know whether to wind our butts or scratch our watches. If it doesn't feel right don't say a single word. If you're shooting straight from the lips with your heart it will usually come out alright. 7
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Having lost and gained weight repeatedly over the years, I take any compliment on my appearance as a reminder that I will soon be fat again. It depresses me. I've also lost (and gained) weight from serious health issues so sometimes a comment that I'm looking great is really a reminder that being very ill is perceived as a good thing in our thin obsessed society.
Probably in the gym, I think it would be okay to comment on someone looking stronger or fitter, but not necessarily healthier or thinner.7 -
"Wow, you look amazing!", shouldn't be viewed as anything other than complimentary. There's a good chance you'll make someone's day brighter. Sadly, I let most of these opportunities go by.
I agree. I don't know how "You look great!" said with a friendly smile could be taken as offensive, I really don't. I mean, I could see how it could be said inappropriately, but most adults know the difference - you can have a genuine smile and eye contact and it's a compliment, you can do the lingering eye sweep and it's creepy...
I wouldn't make any presumptions about how healthy/unhealthy they are, or how much work they have put in - you don't really have those facts. All you know is they look great today, and that should be fine.
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By all means give her the compliment!!
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Maybe compliment her effort not her body, for example by asking her advice on what's she doing that is working so well for her?5
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I lost a lot of weight and got obviously fitter. I got a lot of comments about it (eventually) from both sexes and a huge range of ages. Varying from "You look great" to "Hope you don't mind me saying, but you've lost a lot of weight. How did you do it?" to "Can you do that pull up yet?". Some comments from people I had spoken to in passing, some from people I had never spoken to before. I was happy with every comment.9
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I'd appreciate a compliment especially since she knows you from the gym. If it were from somewhere else I wouldn't be offended either, but if it were me giving the compliment I might just say she is looking great and leave it at that without mentioning workouts, etc.(I live in the Southern US
) 5 -
Onedaywriter wrote: »Also, I saw on another thread about how some women felt nobody noticed some large weight losses. Maybe folks did, but like me decided it’s best to just mention it.
This was possibly me. It is the people close to use that we want to hear reassurance from, though personally I wouldn't say no to an acquaintance.
In a gym setting, I would generally go with a complement about their progress in exercise, such as their lifting increase, running speed or duration etc. Show that you are noticing the work involved.
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John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.4 -
John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.11 -
ExistingFish wrote: »"Wow, you look amazing!", shouldn't be viewed as anything other than complimentary. There's a good chance you'll make someone's day brighter. Sadly, I let most of these opportunities go by.
I agree. I don't know how "You look great!" said with a friendly smile could be taken as offensive, I really don't. I mean, I could see how it could be said inappropriately, but most adults know the difference - you can have a genuine smile and eye contact and it's a compliment, you can do the lingering eye sweep and it's creepy...
I wouldn't make any presumptions about how healthy/unhealthy they are, or how much work they have put in - you don't really have those facts. All you know is they look great today, and that should be fine.
I really don't want to hear what the people I'm sharing gym space with think of my body. I wouldn't be offended, but it wouldn't be welcome. A comment on performance might be welcome (depending on context). On how I LOOK? No, that's not something I'd ever want.
That isn't to say that the woman OP is referencing would feel the same way, it's just that humans vary.10 -
You can always go for a non beauty related compliment, like tell them they're looking really strong. I would be really pleased if someone complimented how much weight I was deadlifting or something.
"Hi so and so, it's been forever! I couldn't help notice you're lifting some really impressive weight, that's awesome! How have you been?"6 -
John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation9
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