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  • 33gail3333gail33 Member Posts: 956 Member Member Posts: 956 Member
    oocdc2 wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    (Disclaimer: not knocking anyone who actually enjoys big weddings; just sharing MY experience and opinion.)

    I got married (to my now-ex husband) in Okinawa in the late 80s. We were both in the military. We first had to do a bunch of stuff on base, then had to run around getting paperwork signed at various places off base, where there was a considerable language barrier. We had Iron Maiden's "Somewhere in Time" cassette on a loop the whole time. After the last stop, we looked at each other and said, "I guess we're married now?" and exchanged rings.

    I hate big social events like weddings and will always have fond memories of this. And my legal marriage certificate in in Japanese, which is fun.

    I'm trying to figure out how to get my next marriage as small as possible. Thinking Justice of the Peace. But my Mom wants to go, and my sister, and then we'd have to invite his brother (and family.) Ack.

    My husband and I were both in the military, too--we had the "marriage in minutes" in a Virginia courthouse in the early 90s, immediately followed by a sign-off by a marriage broker. We wanted to be married to each other before he went to Kosovo, so we did. We had a large party for family and friends when he got back.

    In no-plague times, I can see wanting the ceremony and the party. But, especially in the early days of the pandemic, when death rates were so high and everything was uncertain, I didn't (still don't) understand why people postponed and delayed weddings--were they really prepared to live with potentially not marrying the person they loved because, by the gods, they wanted the dream party to go with it? We weren't; I guess others are.

    The wedding was planned, and substantial non-refundable deposits were made, before the pandemic was even a thing. They can postpone, but they can't cancel and get their money back.
  • 33gail3333gail33 Member Posts: 956 Member Member Posts: 956 Member
    jenilla1 wrote: »
    oocdc2 wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    (Disclaimer: not knocking anyone who actually enjoys big weddings; just sharing MY experience and opinion.)

    I got married (to my now-ex husband) in Okinawa in the late 80s. We were both in the military. We first had to do a bunch of stuff on base, then had to run around getting paperwork signed at various places off base, where there was a considerable language barrier. We had Iron Maiden's "Somewhere in Time" cassette on a loop the whole time. After the last stop, we looked at each other and said, "I guess we're married now?" and exchanged rings.

    I hate big social events like weddings and will always have fond memories of this. And my legal marriage certificate in in Japanese, which is fun.

    I'm trying to figure out how to get my next marriage as small as possible. Thinking Justice of the Peace. But my Mom wants to go, and my sister, and then we'd have to invite his brother (and family.) Ack.

    My husband and I were both in the military, too--we had the "marriage in minutes" in a Virginia courthouse in the early 90s, immediately followed by a sign-off by a marriage broker. We wanted to be married to each other before he went to Kosovo, so we did. We had a large party for family and friends when he got back.

    In no-plague times, I can see wanting the ceremony and the party. But, especially in the early days of the pandemic, when death rates were so high and everything was uncertain, I didn't (still don't) understand why people postponed and delayed weddings--were they really prepared to live with potentially not marrying the person they loved because, by the gods, they wanted the dream party to go with it? We weren't; I guess others are.

    That's my feeling, too. COVID would not have stopped me from marrying my husband. I get that not everyone feels that way, though...

    I had the big wedding for my mom. It made her happy. I would have been perfectly content to do what my sister later did: she and her husband were married on a beach, with only the officiant and his wife present as a witness. It would have been a lot less stressful (I'm not big on being the center of attention) and I would have been able to actually relax and "be present" for the ceremony - instead of being nervous and self-conscious the whole time. (I was a lot more shy and anxious when I was younger. The older I get, the more I mellow, thank goodness!) It was a whirlwind and I feel almost like I missed most of it. So honestly, if I'd have had to cancel my wedding due to COVID, I'd have simply eloped instead. It would have been a good excuse to avoid the big event without hurting my mom's feelings. Just being honest... ;)

    I'm the mom and I assure you the big wedding is not for me - I would be just as happy for them if they eloped. My son wanted a big wedding celebration, with all his friends and family, and that is what they had planned. They would rather wait and have the wedding they want the way they planned it then do it a different way. I mean it's not like Covid is going to stop them from marrying each other, they are postponing not cancelling.
  • FuzzipegFuzzipeg Member Posts: 2,148 Member Member Posts: 2,148 Member
    Paperpudding, might it be possible for someone to arrange a video link to the venue for you. I know its so very far from being able to be here but might help. I'm surprised its not been suggested. Time difference could mean a late night or would it be early morning for you.

    I'm sure many a couple want to make the big public statement of their "commitment" to each other which matters.

    I'm glad we are required to have registrars, or "qualified" celebrants be they religious or I hope by now someone who provides a non religious exchange of words for those to whom that also matters. I hate the idea of creeping out into the back yard, then filling in paperwork. Call me suspicious, I see coercion, the path to abuse lies here.
  • lokihenlokihen Member Posts: 349 Member Member Posts: 349 Member
    jenilla1 wrote: »
    Fuzzipeg wrote: »
    Paperpudding, might it be possible for someone to arrange a video link to the venue for you. I know its so very far from being able to be here but might help. I'm surprised its not been suggested. Time difference could mean a late night or would it be early morning for you.

    I'm sure many a couple want to make the big public statement of their "commitment" to each other which matters.

    I'm glad we are required to have registrars, or "qualified" celebrants be they religious or I hope by now someone who provides a non religious exchange of words for those to whom that also matters. I hate the idea of creeping out into the back yard, then filling in paperwork. Call me suspicious, I see coercion, the path to abuse lies here.

    I'm not quite getting what you mean here, but I'm super intrigued. Hoping you could elaborate on this statement. What's the coercion/abuse about? Creeping out to the backyard and filling out paperwork? I might lack some cultural context...?

    I wondered about that too. Possible reference to my story about my friend who chose to marry while barefoot in her backyard?

    Back to covid: active cases are way down here, only 9 new positives today; but there were 3 deaths. Of course, I don't know if they were rare cases of serious illness while vaccinated or weren't vaccinated. Either way, it's sad that there are deaths still.
  • lynn_glenmontlynn_glenmont Member Posts: 9,106 Member Member Posts: 9,106 Member
    I got married in February. Instead of worrying about a venue, we decorated my in-laws house and had a small wedding there. It was beautiful, personal, and our guests(close family and a few friends) were on board for wearing masks despite most of them being fully vaccinated. My mother-in-law made me a beautiful mask using lace from her wedding dress and wearing masks did not disrupt our day. We took it off while eating/drinking, while taking some photos, and during the ceremony(JOP requested it so people could hear us better, but it was a very quick ceremony, and sealing the deal would have been quite unusual). I wouldn't have changed anything, except for being able to have my brother there with us; CA and CT both had tough restrictions, and his return to work would have been more complicated due to their covid policies. Fortunately, we were able to video call him to watch the wedding, and that was perfect.

    Unless the reason you will have to reschedule is due to size limitations, I would still keep the date. Masks are not going to ruin the entire day, and if people don't want to wear them while supporting the bride and groom, then they don't seem very supportive, IMHO.

    here in Ontario (where I think 33gail33 is from) we have not been able to meet with people from outside our household for months. we have been on lockdown since last November and could literally not meet with anyone we don't live with - in or outside. And yes, police have been called on people who have others over - it is absolute insanity here with no real end in sight. that being said, some of those restrictions MAY be easing up in the next month or two, but I would imagine it is hard for someone to plan on having a wedding having no idea if that would even be legal at the time (even in a private home).

    Well that's very different from the post that started this subthread, which only mentioned mask mandates and nothing about not being allowed to gather or even a limit on the number who could gather.
  • 33gail3333gail33 Member Posts: 956 Member Member Posts: 956 Member
    jenilla1 wrote: »
    Fuzzipeg wrote: »
    Paperpudding, might it be possible for someone to arrange a video link to the venue for you. I know its so very far from being able to be here but might help. I'm surprised its not been suggested. Time difference could mean a late night or would it be early morning for you.

    I'm sure many a couple want to make the big public statement of their "commitment" to each other which matters.

    I'm glad we are required to have registrars, or "qualified" celebrants be they religious or I hope by now someone who provides a non religious exchange of words for those to whom that also matters. I hate the idea of creeping out into the back yard, then filling in paperwork. Call me suspicious, I see coercion, the path to abuse lies here.

    I'm not quite getting what you mean here, but I'm super intrigued. Hoping you could elaborate on this statement. What's the coercion/abuse about? Creeping out to the backyard and filling out paperwork? I might lack some cultural context...?

    I think the concern is that without witnesses someone could be more easily coerced in marrying against their will, perhaps by an abusive partner.
  • jenilla1jenilla1 Member Posts: 11,111 Member Member Posts: 11,111 Member
    33gail33 wrote: »
    jenilla1 wrote: »
    Fuzzipeg wrote: »
    Paperpudding, might it be possible for someone to arrange a video link to the venue for you. I know its so very far from being able to be here but might help. I'm surprised its not been suggested. Time difference could mean a late night or would it be early morning for you.

    I'm sure many a couple want to make the big public statement of their "commitment" to each other which matters.

    I'm glad we are required to have registrars, or "qualified" celebrants be they religious or I hope by now someone who provides a non religious exchange of words for those to whom that also matters. I hate the idea of creeping out into the back yard, then filling in paperwork. Call me suspicious, I see coercion, the path to abuse lies here.

    I'm not quite getting what you mean here, but I'm super intrigued. Hoping you could elaborate on this statement. What's the coercion/abuse about? Creeping out to the backyard and filling out paperwork? I might lack some cultural context...?

    I think the concern is that without witnesses someone could be more easily coerced in marrying against their will, perhaps by an abusive partner.

    OK, duh. That makes sense. Maybe I'm just a bit slow today. I was legitimately confused because it didn't quote the post it was referring to so I was just taking it as some random wierd comment. Looking back at the thread I see where the idea was coming from. 🤪
  • FuzzipegFuzzipeg Member Posts: 2,148 Member Member Posts: 2,148 Member
    Jenilla - I'm in the UK. Were registrars and specific persons are required to hold marriage ceremonies. Where unless one pays additional fees for a special licence one waits three weeks while the licence is posted. Similar, probably coming from "the "bands being" read in churches here. When persons in the community can raise objections, just causes and impediments. Registrars have training to spot problematic registrations. Mainly this comes from persons requiring, "marriages of convenience" to achieve "right to stay" having married someone British born. The UK system is so hot, or tries to be hot on marriages of convenience that many, persons who are deeply committed to each other over many years are forced to endure years of separation until the non Brit party is permitted to join their British born partners. None of that relates to how I read the other poster, its just UK background.

    Someone, not you, jenilla. Said in their state they can go out in the yard and say or do something then submit some paperwork which means they are married. This read as an open opportunity for the exploitation and violation of a person who needs their rights protected.

    I think the US have age restrictions in some states which restrict the age at which alcohol can be taken for example and driving licences held. Those States restrictions probably also include age restrictions for marriages. Over many years now young school aged girls have been taken from the UK to other countries where they are entered into (forced) marriages, ones for which they are not deemed legally old enough to consent too, arranged ones at ages which are totally inappropriate according to UK law. We have Child Protection legislation to cover these and other situations with appropriate action being taken to hopefully keep the children safe.

    Reading of persons being able to go into their back yards in some parts of the US and then provide paperwork to the, effect the parties are now married. This may be all well and good as long as the parties are in total agreement in what they are signing up for. There can be situations where one or other of the parties is/are being coerced, subjugated to the wants/needs of another even others, at determent to themselves, it becomes abusive.

    In the last 18months with our lockdowns and covid restrictions, I've been becoming aware so much more of exploitative, not always marriages, where coercive control/abusive relationships otherwise known as Domestic Violence are some poor persons reality.

    To me, being able to say a few words in your back yard, then giving signatures, however they were obtained, which are then simplistically accepted and rubber stamped just screamed the opportunity for this Domestic Violence. Like I said, I'm deeply relieved for the above reasons, that this has no place in our society.
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