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Height-ism?
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So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.13 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
I really appreciated the way you worded this.5 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.0 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I'm pretty progressive and I'd say that people are allowed a preference for who they date/have sex with. The problem with race being a qualifier is that it's often couched in a way that is not about them not wanting to DATE someone of that race. In fact I have literally never seen a simple "Not interested in dating/sleeping with someone of X, Y, or Z' race.
I have seen a whole lot of:
a-) I don't want to interact or closely associate with someone of X, Y, or Z race, because they are (racist *kitten* here)
or
b-) Dating/sleeping with/marrying/having kids with (whatever race) is a problem for OTHER PEOPLE TO DO, implying immorality of doing so.
But again, not once, have I EVER seen it as a simple statement of aesthetic preferences/attraction. Never.
Whole lot of people who just date whoever they're attracted to (including race) but the second someone brings it up - even in a dating profile - they start justifying. And when they start justifying they start doing so with some stuff that goes well beyond 'who I am attracted to'3 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
Keep in mind that there isn't one set of rules for what's socially acceptable. Like you said, progressives might find it unacceptable and give you (royal you, not you personally) grief for it, while conservatives may not. Sexuality can be a big one too with some cultures and religions.
I guess that means keep your audience in mind when you communicate?4 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I don't read (or write) dating profiles, but I don't think most people would be deeply offended if someone prefers intimate partners who are somehow similar to them in background, including race or ethnicity. Further, I suspect there are ways to communicate such a preference in a dating profile without coming across as (frankly) a bigot.
Flipping it around, someone saying they're UNwilling to date people of a different race/ethnicity, especially if stating that it's a specific race or ethnicity . . . yeah, that might raise some 3rd parties' hackles.
People do have specific intimate partner preferences, and they're entitled to them, IMO, as NorthCascades says. Some people also want social approval from others, to make themselves feel like they fit in, or something. Sometimes they even want that social approval from people who have very different political, social, or moral outlooks. Sometimes those two desires - for specific partner types, and for social approval - will be in tension.
Frankly, I don't think the onus is on the 3rd parties to resolve that conundrum. I think it's up to the person with the partner preference to decide what their priority is, clarity in communicating partner choice, and in choosing; or getting social approval from 3rd parties who maybe don't like their preferences.
Choices have consequences. We make the choice, we gotta own the consequences. 🤷♀️
(Race/ethnicity are not the only partner choice criteria that 3rd parties may disapprove of, either; and it isn't always progressives doing the disapproving.)
I don't know to what extent dating sites' policies may limit users' ability to express race/ethnicity preferences, or other maybe unpopular preferences, in real life.2 -
My opinion is that it's ok to choose who you are intimate with, and to discriminate for whatever reasons. You decide who you sleep with and it's no one else's buisiness.
You don't even have to say it, most people don't say it out loud. They keep it to themselves because we have judgmental pricks in society.4 -
While it is all well and good to have preferences and to "discriminate" for whatever reason, I also think there is value in challenging those preferences within ourselves, and questioning where they came from.
Again I say this as a woman who is taller than my partner (of 35 years) - I would say that the question that started this thread, height preferences, are generally a societal construct, not an innate preference (although some people argue a biological basis for it - I don't buy that). To just say that people have those preferences for whatever reason, and move on without challenging that, just perpetuates and leaves those constructs in tact.
Thus why those of us who don't fit into that mold still get questioned and looked at as oddities that are outside of the "norm" that has been imposed on us.2 -
The original commenter said he married a woman who was not his type. I also married a man who was not my type, he was a tall marathon runner. I actually find shorter men appealing.
I think you could be missing out if your dream person is defined by a strict definition of your type.
I've been pleasantly surprised a time or two by not sticking to "my type".4 -
I've never understood the height obsession with some people. I'm a 5'3" woman and I have dated men ranging from 5'5" to 6'3" and my ex husband was 5'7". Height never even occurred to me as something that would be a turn off or turn on. I have a friend who is 5'4" and is active in the dating app world. She often refers to men under 5'8" as "short". I find that bizarre considering how "short" she is! She gets really upset if a man lies about his height and is a couple inches shorter than he listed in his profile. Makes no sense to me.5
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NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I think bigotry overall is an illogical and morally incorrect stance. This still doesn't mean that people of different races are "owed" the opportunity to date specific bigots.
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lauragreenbaum wrote: »I've never understood the height obsession with some people. I'm a 5'3" woman and I have dated men ranging from 5'5" to 6'3" and my ex husband was 5'7". Height never even occurred to me as something that would be a turn off or turn on. I have a friend who is 5'4" and is active in the dating app world. She often refers to men under 5'8" as "short". I find that bizarre considering how "short" she is! She gets really upset if a man lies about his height and is a couple inches shorter than he listed in his profile. Makes no sense to me.
People have preferences. When I don't share them, I don't find that bizarre.
By this time, your friend should no longer be upset by a man adding an inch or two to his height but EXPECT it.
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae23 -
I don’t understand the lack of understanding for short women preferring taller men. For me, my preference has nothing to to do with wearing heels, needing him to be a certain amount taller, or what society says. I am not physically attracted to shorter limbs on a male. I believe I would have this preference whether my height was 5’10” or 5’0”.
One’s preferences are one’s preferences. I have always been this way and have tried to date shorter men and am just not attracted to them and that’s not fair to them because I believe most people want a partner who finds them attractive.
It is no different in having a preference for a certain look otherwise, whether it be body type, hair color,
race, facial features, etc. It also doesn’t matter to me whether someone can control how they look. The fact that one has some control over their weight and body type doesn’t make a preference for a slim person more valid or justified than a preference for height, eye color or any other feature one has no control over.
I have never gotten upset if a man doesn’t like short women (I’m 5’0”), if a man only likes skinny women (I’m curvy), if he only likes blondes (I’m brunette), or anything else. Everyone can like what they like and thankfully there are many different looks out there.
My husband is a wonderful tall man and I don’t feel I missed out or was wrong for turning down all of those short men in the past.13 -
I have always been this way and have tried to date shorter men and am just not attracted to them and that’s not fair to them because I believe most people want a partner who finds them attractive.
I think it's the most important part, if a woman finds bald dudes unattractive, I wouldn't want to be with her simply because there is no reciprocity in physical attraction and it would feel really *kitten*.
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I have always been this way and have tried to date shorter men and am just not attracted to them and that’s not fair to them because I believe most people want a partner who finds them attractive.
I think it's the most important part, if a woman finds bald dudes unattractive, I wouldn't want to be with her simply because there is no reciprocity in physical attraction and it would feel really *kitten*.
Likewise, if I am not attractive to a man, I keep it moving and don’t get upset. Most people want their partner to find them attractive to some degree. I’m not suggesting that attraction is all about looks because it is not but most people have some physical preferences and there is nothing wrong with that.
Also, it is ridiculous to suggest that taller women are somehow a better match or more entitled to a taller man than a shorter woman is.7 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.13 -
Yeah I must be different because while "physical attraction" is of course a thing on first impressions, once I get to know someone my attraction is based on the person, not their physical attributes. The idea that you can't build a relationship with someone, and you would never be attracted to them, because they don't have certain superficial physical characteristics, just seems bizarre to me.5
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Yeah I must be different because while "physical attraction" is of course a thing on first impressions, once I get to know someone my attraction is based on the person, not their physical attributes. The idea that you can't build a relationship with someone, and you would never be attracted to them, because they don't have certain superficial physical characteristics, just seems bizarre to me.
Yeah, agree. I don't participate in any of this these days (conscientious objector), but back in the olden days when I did, physical attributes might be material in choosing flings, but for serious relationships it's not a big, important factor in what creates true longer-term connection . . . even erotic connection in the long term, if I dare use that adjective here.6 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
That must have been very hurtful to be met with so much hostility, and I probably would feel the same wariness in your position. But hopefully I would remember that just because those opinions were widespread in that particular family, it doesn't mean that every family of that race, or of any race, would share those feelings. I think being in a relationship -- or just being around people -- always creates the possibility of being hurt in myriad ways.3 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.4 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.
One of the multiple reasons my first marriage failed is because of my in-laws. Same race, same general background, but they hated the fact that my family didn't have much money.
If that had been the only thing, we probably wouldn't have split up but when things get challenging, it's just an extra layer of difficulty when one side of the family is rooting for the relationship to fail.6 -
janejellyroll wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.
One of the multiple reasons my first marriage failed is because of my in-laws. Same race, same general background, but they hated the fact that my family didn't have much money.
If that had been the only thing, we probably wouldn't have split up but when things get challenging, it's just an extra layer of difficulty when one side of the family is rooting for the relationship to fail.
Aww I’m sorry. It is a shame when families make things so difficult on a couple. I have heard a lot of stories from friends and coworkers about problems with in laws. Most of these couples are same race couples. I know many mixed raced couples that seem really happy. I’m sure some have problems too but I wouldn’t use that as a sole reason not to date someone.0 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.
Very true! And also what Lynn said. Mixed race relationships aren't super common here (population demographics, not social censure) so I can't really speak to the success or failure of any others. My available dating pool is predominantly same-race anyway.
By the way, congratulations on your marriage. I had no idea you had married until you mentioned it in another thread.4 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.
Very true! And also what Lynn said. Mixed race relationships aren't super common here (population demographics, not social censure) so I can't really speak to the success or failure of any others. My available dating pool is predominantly same-race anyway.
By the way, congratulations on your marriage. I had no idea you had married until you mentioned it in another thread.
Thank you very much! ❤️3 -
Yeah I must be different because while "physical attraction" is of course a thing on first impressions, once I get to know someone my attraction is based on the person, not their physical attributes. The idea that you can't build a relationship with someone, and you would never be attracted to them, because they don't have certain superficial physical characteristics, just seems bizarre to me.
Yeah, agree. I don't participate in any of this these days (conscientious objector), but back in the olden days when I did, physical attributes might be material in choosing flings, but for serious relationships it's not a big, important factor in what creates true longer-term connection . . . even erotic connection in the long term, if I dare use that adjective here.
This exactly, for me.
I cared a lot how my casual relationship partners looked. By the time I wanted something longer term and that would stick around I did not care at all. Coming up fast on 25 years. Am I attracted to him? Well, yeah, because I love him. Objectively? Dunno because I can't be objective because I love the guy and we've been married 25 years. The bias is part of the deal - and really probably should be.9 -
i tried online for a while. i was honest but tried to make sure it was polite and in good taste. i dont see the issue in stating a deal breaker as long as your not a jerk about it.0
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I have experienced insults by women about me only being 5'8. Women do not want to be judged yet they often judge men and make comments their backs.3
-
I'm barely over 5' as a female. nearly everyone is tall to me.
my husband is 5'7. to me... he's TALL. I have to climb on my counters to reach crap in my cabinets. he doesn't. that means TALL.
its all about perception.
We met online, though it was not a dating site. So, we were friends before anything else. Physically... not what I would have ever 'picked out of a catalog' for myself. Not similar to any body type I'd ever been with. About the same height. Same age. but thats about it. Long hair. Beard. Very slim build.
And absolutely perfect for me.
I have a friend who will ONLY date a very particular 'kind' of guy. They all look the same. Truly, from one to the next you can't hardly tell them apart. They all look like freaking lumberjacks. Thats her thing. okay. but not one of them has been right for her. but that is ALL she will even consider dating. if they dont look JUST LIKE THAT, down to the plaid shirt, she wont give them the time of day. And i always think, 'chickie, broaden that scope just a bit and you might actually find someone... '5 -
callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »I have a friend who will ONLY date a very particular 'kind' of guy. They all look the same. Truly, from one to the next you can't hardly tell them apart. They all look like freaking lumberjacks. Thats her thing. okay. but not one of them has been right for her. but that is ALL she will even consider dating. if they dont look JUST LIKE THAT, down to the plaid shirt, she wont give them the time of day. And i always think, 'chickie, broaden that scope just a bit and you might actually find someone... '
It's not their physical appearance that makes them "not right" for her, however. Otherwise that's akin to saying all big brawny men in plaid shirts make lousy mates, which is just plain silly. There are obviously some underlying character traits that make them incompatible.
I've always had a fairly narrow range of physical attributes that I find attractive (not THAT narrow though!) and attempts to date guys who weren't my type proved disastrous.6
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