Senior Golden Sneakers............October
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Yeah, yeah I know it's been a long time, I've been busy and the jokes are either not good or just too dirty to post here. So in lieu being banned or insulting anyone I have restrained myself and not sent anything. Here, however is one for Halloween!
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Jackie, I watched the cat videos to see if they would interest Bernie. the cat sounds in the video intrigued the dogs who came racing in to see if there was a cat on the table......Bernie is asleep and won't get up until supper time. I liked the videos so much that I forwarded the link to five cat loving friends.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Jake, you've done it again:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: that man should have purchased the whoopie cushion costume I saw at WalMart.
:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: Sandy, your decorations are great
all we have are three beautiful pumpkins (two Cinderella and one Sugar Pie) that will be cooked and frozen right after Halloween
:flowerforyou: Jackie, I've never used SlimFast but I use Isagenix meal replacement shakes because of the formula that includes high balanced nutrition and a delivery system that assures that the nutrients will be absorbed. Another nice thing is that they are easy and set aside the need to be thinking about food so much.0 -
Jake, I almost posted the same joke but wasn't sure if it was too risque or not. LOL0
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As usual, I'm running out of time. Just want to mention my Slimfast is pure laziness and I got 3 BOXES at my market at a ridiculous price of $2 per box of 6 cans each, and since I love the flavor, I'm using them! I used to think they were an abomination but I've seen articles from Consumers Report an a few other places saying they were OK, so until they're gone, I'm getting out of preparing lunches for me!
Spent all afternoon on Nutridata.com figuring out how to get recipe analyses for stuff when I start cooking again!. Not a bad site, but I had to substitute couscous for orzo which was not in their roster. And I'm not as fast as I used to be, so it took too long.
Also spent 1/2 the day replacing my modem, and I'm still getting downloads around 1.44 when it should be in the 500's. Too slow to backup my computer today. Yech!
Wonderful long post from Jackie, and all the lovely pictures from her and Sandy, and hope Jake knows we are not only here for jokes, since we are a super serious bunch of intelligent people on a quest....though I can't remember what it was any longer!:noway:
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Buzz0 -
Hi Ladies:
Did yardwork on Saturday and it took me 3 hours to cut down plants and do
clean up and put all the ornaments away. So today I am so sore in the hamstrings
from bending over. I told my husband that I need help next year. I am not in my
20's anymore and need help.:grumble: Of course he had to go to the boat again and do some
winterizing. Is that boat done yet.:grumble:
Sunday was doing ironing and just watching some movies and trying to relax.
We were supposed to meet some friends in Niagara Falls whose daughter had run
a marathon but there was just too much to get done around the house. So I made an
executive decision and said no we have too much to do. It's hard for me to nail my
husband to do jobs at home. He can always can find something else to do. Sound familiar :grumble:
So we went for a nice dinner at the Mandarin (Chinese Buffet) and I tried some Sake which I
never had before.(Rice Wine) It was pretty good, they warm it up.
Raining today and will be most of the week with temps in the middle 40's.0 -
:flowerforyou: So Shirley, is your husband going to help you next year or is he going to hire someone?
:flowerforyou: buzz, I have tried the Slimfast and thought that I was going to starve to death. Glad that it is working for you.
Nothing new here. Had my usual bad eating weekend. Back on track again today with the exception of that scone.0 -
Barbie ~ I've noticed Isagenix on your diary but that's the only time I've seen the name so am not sure if it's available in the UK although like most things we don't know they exist until we go looking for them! Judging from your weight loss I'd say it's working extremely well for you especially if you don't feel you are missing regular food. My weight loss stalled over a month ago so perhaps if I can find Slimfast drinks as cheap as Buzz's I could give it a go, although for this year I only want to get shot of another 4 lbs and then have a break until the new year when I hope to shift another half stone (7 lbs to my American friends!)
I'm pleased you enjoyed the cat cartoons. If you have time check out this you tube video about the creator and his cat. Very amusing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhnLyrYngmM&feature=relmfu
We've had a terrible day weatherwise with howling wind and torrential rain and the garden is sodden, as are the hens! I just went down to give them a few handfuls of corn for their tea and Charlie the cockerel looks so sad because he's moulting and wet so looks like an old rag.:laugh: I shouldn't laugh but it makes up for all the times he flies up and bites me on the bum when I least expect it! My bees are hopefully tucked up in their hives since I've fed them 10 kg of sugar syrup each so they don't have to wander far if they don't want to. Last Friday my neighbour and I enjoyed fresh fish and chips from the local chippy and spent the evening jarring the honey.
Just about enough to get us through until next autumn hopefully.
There's a break in the wet weather although the sky is black so I'm off to shut the hens in for the night. Also have a wandering girl from next door that seems to prefer my hen house at the moment so have to get her home to her rightful owner.
Jackie:flowerforyou:0 -
Hello Seniors
All the pictures look so nice, the garden, the decorated house, and the kitty, and all the canning. You guys are great at making things look so nice.
Jackie, is that canning all applesauce? I didn't make quite that much, but this year I canned more than the last couple of years. I canned apples, applesauce, pears, zucchini pickles, zucchini relish, beet relish, plum, plum jame and I froze yellow plum jam, I also canned salsa. I still have apples and pears left to make fruit leather.
I hope everyone is enjoying the autumn weather. It's sunny, cloudy, rainy, wind blowing day today.
My weekend was very nice, I enjoyed my daughter and grandchildren . I walked every day there and ate pretty good, I didn't gain !
I hope to have lost another couple of pounds by this weekend. So I better get my butt off this chair and use the stationary bike and DVD walking tape, Bye Bye.
Chris0 -
I will get to see these videos when I get home on my pc, not this phone. Meanwhile - Hi everyone, I was here earlier, thought everyone except Shirley was sleeping in! Finally a few minutes to post for me. The place we delivered took twice as long as usual. Our dispatchers said we would not reload until tomorrow morning, then they said, cancel that, you are reloading today, and now they say whoops, that one is cancelled. Sit still while we get something else for you, which will likely mean tomorrow:laugh:
Jackie, poor Jasper, he seems to be saying, dont try to cheer me up, Im sure it wont work. So good of you to take such good care of all of your critters. I love to hear all about them. My that is a lot of honey, it looks delicious. Do you put it in tea, or just top your breads with it? I wonder if it could substitute completely for sugar in recipes? Anyway, the bees have been generous this year.
Your photos are wonderful too, flowers blooming, green green everything.
Shirley, I thought the boat was done for this year, 40 degrees is pretty cold to be working outside. Be careful.
Becky, the word scone sets me off every time, ready for two of them at least! I find them irresistable, any kind. Glad I dont bake much nowadays. Even if you induldge on the weekend, you are still taking better care of yourself than most people.
just had lunch here, baked chicken, assorted vegetables, salad, bit of fruit, and a small pastry made with that flaky pastry dough, so it feels like you didnt eat anything! But oh yes, you did lol!0 -
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Sigh, wish I could dance like them! :drinker: Hi, y'all, another crazy day!
Buzz0 -
:sad: Becky, I have to stay away from scones because one would never be enough for me :laugh:
:bigsmile: Jackie, the honey looks great
your jars look like my applesauce jars
lots of different kinds. Isagenix is not available in the UK----so far it's in the US, Canada, Puerto Rico, Taiwan, Mexico, Australia, and New Zealand,
:bigsmile: I got a phone call from a good friend while I was walking the dogs this morning so I had a great time with beautiful weather, exercise and quality time with my dogs and my friend.
:bigsmile: later I had time to make two more pots of applesauce
I've used almost all my good canning jars, then I'll go on to all the miscellaneous jars, then plastic, then freezer bags.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: I'm almost finished with the first yard project----I've been working 30-50 minutes a day and in a few days the biggest mess will be cleaned up:bigsmile:0 -
Hello I am still up after watching the texas Rangers win there 3rd game. in the world series. Great Game. Cowboys did great yesterday too.
Had a lovely time with the kids. Saturday.
Just wanted to pop in for a minute to say Hi. All is well here.
Spent the day sewing.
Marie0 -
Hi everyone. We had a busy day but wanted to pop in to let you know I was thinking about you all.
Loved the joke, Jake. Glad I wasn't just taking a swallow when I got to the punch line. So funny!
Take care and keep smiling. Tomorrow is another busy day. Gayla
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:flowerforyou: Jackie, I would love to have a bee hive. Don't think my neighbors would appreciate it, though. I have heard that some towns will not allow a person to keep chickens inside the city limits. Hard to believe that as I know how chickens smell.
:flowerforyou: Phoebe, I am having trouble staying away from those scones. This is the first time I have had them and I LOVE them.
:flowerforyou: buzz, your dancers look like they are doing the Zumba. Or, maybe Hip Hop.
:flowerforyou: Barbie, funny how you have memorized every country where Isagenix is available. I am thinking that you need that information for when you do all your traveling?
I resistered for three classes at the YMCA last night. Two of them with my daughter....Strength class two day a week and Zumba two days. I also signed up for a spinning class that are at 8:00 on Saturday morning. HMMM, couldn't talk my 18 year old daughter into getting up that early on a Saturday.0 -
Shane and Phil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers
in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Phil said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Shane says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Phil wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Shane. Shane says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Phil says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Shane says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Phil says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '
.............................................................
have a wonderful Day.
.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Good one Marie!!!! Here is mine!!
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.) Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance.. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."0 -
Marie: Love it Love it :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Sandy: You little devil. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Taking Aleve today because still hurting from all the yard work.
Make Yourself necessary to somebody>>>Ralph Waldo Emerson0 -
Phoebe posted this on facebook and it is so funny I stole it in her name to share with you!!
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Thx Sandy, my phone wont copy, it makes excuses, lol!
marie, I read that joke to Jim, he got a kick out of it, or I should say, a Boost!
Sandy, I fell for your joke, never suspecting the punchline,lol!
becky, I feel for you in your scone dilemma, but how wonderful to have a man who cooks for you.
Shirley, people always say to think of how fit you are becoming when you ache from yardwork, etc., it doesnt help me at all though, it hurts just as much!
Maddie, is your nose black and blue? I laughed when I read about the head bump he gave you, and every time I think of it, I have to smile. Sometimes love hurts, right? Lol
we are going to pick up our load, we are a bit anxious to get back home to see the disaster area. If they only knew we have their wellbeing at heart. Whatever they fixed temporarily must be repaired properly when we get back home. It would be nice to be home over the weekend.
We are apparently off of our food plan now, although not totally. We had breakfast at Wendy's. They have a Panini which doesnt have any sauces. One egg, one slice of bacon, one tomato slice, one slice cheese on toasted sliced bread. Delish.
I will try not to eat bread as a side, only if it is a sandwich. The low carb burger is wrapped in lettuce without a bun, I leave off mayo, and ketchup. So we poke around the fast food menus out of necessity more than desire. It is too expensive to eat in a full service restaurant three times per day. We have tried a variety of meals in our truck, but we usually end up back at the food courts.0 -
Phoebe, my nose is not black and blue. I lucked out. But today, I was standing behind him and he was putting his legs in his pants when he twisted around and we both went down. Him on his butt, me on my knee. I will probably know tomorrow what was really hurt. In the past few months, I have really been beaten up.....what's up wit dat?????
Still eating like so-called "normal people". I lost another lb so I guess that's good. It really is nice to just use all the knowledge I've acquired from all of the dieting and just eat. No weighing, measuring or counting and still NO BINGING! (is that spelled right?)
I have to get a coffee now and try to relax!!!
Later
Maddie
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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