**CLOSED** Skinny Chics & A Rooster **CLOSED**

Hello Everyone... I am just gonna put it right on out there -- I am crabby and sad and angry :explode: and lonely :sad: . Like honest to God, lonely and alone. I am surrounded by people and I just feel alone. Utterly alone. And, unloved and unlovable... and, did I mention that I feel utterly alone?!? Cause, welp, cause I just do! :frown: So... this is a big risk for me today - because I just feel vulnerable and this is a huge risk to even put it out there... because I am being so stupidly sensitive and I am just mad at and with myself because I hate, hate, hate being in this place. I know that tomorrow is a new day and that I did what I needed to do today - I went to the gym - but I feel so alone.

My guess is that this is because of the weekend Teen Retreat... there are a gazillion pieces to it but the bottom line of it is that I decided that I would approach this weekend to celebrate the life of my best friend, who was almost like a sister to me, who I was friends with since I was a young child. Her older brother and my older brother were best friends. I was close to her parents. We celebrated our birthdays together, often. And, 5 years ago this Valentine's Day... she was killed in a car accident. I didn't realize the regrets that I had... which mostly was that we didn't end up celebrating that last birthday together because I just let myself get caught up in my own life... and she died within that week. I love her and I miss her terribly... and I feel so alone. So utterly alone. So f-ing utterly alone!

I feel like I am sucking at life right now... nothin' is really working in my favor. AND - once again, I will be seeing another month go by and I am not meeting the goal that I had set for end of July! I get it, I do. And I know NOT to judge myself, but in all reality... I am just letting myself have the pity party. Truth is that I could have done the right things this month... the trips are NO excuse, but I was just plain tired of feeling like I had to try so hard every moment of every day. I was tired of thinking about what I should do and not just making the easy decisions. And, I felt like crap even after making them. It's self-sabatoge. It is. I guess that I need to work on my inner self a little more because there is still a small child inside of me who doesn't believe that she's worth it and keeps hearing that the bad things that happen to her can be prevented with a big layer or 5 of fat. It's weird too... because truth is that I don't see myself as I really am in real life. I don't sense myself as the size I am... I feel smaller than I am, I feel like I can do all the things - that I really can't do because of my size. So, it's not that I am seeing a person in the mirror that is gigantic... I am often surprised at how big I look in pictures or in my shadow. So, at a point, reality WILL meet up with what I see. I know that I am worth it... I know that I am doing it... I know all of that. I do... and on an average day - I'd say that. However, right now I am in pity party... because I miss my best friend, my dad, my great-uncle, my grandmothers... all the people that I associate with loving me for who I am no matter what I look like -- well they are all dead. And, here I am surrounded by people and feeling alone!

Before anyone reads this and reads it as more than what it is... let me just say that give it a day or two and I will be good. Part of this is about PMS/hormones (I hate that I am more affected by this now than ever!), part of this is about a weekend focused on grief, part of this is that I don't have a sacred, safe place because I have 2-3 other people living in my house these days, etc. It also is about lack of sleep and lack of exercise. Oh, and probably that I have eaten more carbs in 3 weeks than I have in the last year! UGH! Food definately can make things worse... that's for darned sure!

What did I do? What was good? What is positive in my life? ... well, here goes... my cup was refilled at the Teen Retreat (bereavement camp for teens) and i was back into my element for much of the time. We hiked up to Memorial Falls and went past the "easy" waterfall to the next one up. (I think it's a different waterfall, looked different) Not only did I make it up -- but I also made it back down without getting hurt! Not a "trail" in my opinion... I was crawling over and through rocks, holding a tree to get around it, etc. I met some wonderful people and felt like a "mentor." I am choosing to open up and be vulnerable. I went to the gym, because I know that will be what makes me feel better. I am smaller than I have been in a long, long, long time. I don't have clothes that fit... they just don't. The whole hike up I had to keep messing with my pants, they were falling down the whole time. I mean, I really don't have clothing that fits! I am a wonderful caring person. Those would be the positives. I recognize that they are still there... and I will be OK. BUT... today, I am sad. Ask me tomorrow... it may be sad, but by the weekend, all will be right in my world again! LOL.