Break up or make up?
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As someone that left an extremely abusive relationship that was emotional and verbal abuse, not physical, I can honestly say that this is terrible advice. Getting physically hit would have been no less abusive than the way that my ex husband broke me down to the point that I couldn't even speak without his permission. It has taken me over 10 years to get most of my self confidence back and now I am with someone that truly appreciates me and encourages me to speak out.As long as he is not hitting you or the baby I would say try to work together to a solution.
Abuse is a fundamental betrayal of trust. There is no reason to stay in a relationship like that, especially with a young child.0 -
I WOULD SAY LEAVE HIM, HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.YOU HAD PROBLEMS FOR A LONG TIME, IT WILL NEVER CHANGE. SORRY FOR BEING SO HONEST.0
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Who hasn't dated a jerk at one time in their life? I definitely did and I had a hard time leaving him....and the whole break-up dragged out. Now I'm married to a WONDERFUL man who is a hard worker, and he's sweet, and patient, and generous. I never would have found him if I had continued wasting my time with the other guy. I know that you love this one your with right now.... but you're gonna look back and be disgusted when you think of him someday...guarantee it. You will find better and life will get easier, but not with this guy.0
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get out of it hun, he not going to change, if he couldn't make an effort on Christmas Day that should give you the answer.
you are young ok you made a mistake having a child thinking that would make him different but thruthfully hun your son needs all the love and attention you can give him not listening to a load of grief and a bad atmosphere
good luck hun xx0 -
He'll change when he's 60.
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
If he lives to 60. My ex is 51 and has a few months to live.0 -
If you did not have a son together I would say walk, no run in the other direction.
Having a child together is not a reason to stay in a crappy relationship but it is a reason to try everything you can to make it work before you decide to walk away.
I would ask him to do couples counseling and tell him if you guys cannot work on your problems and make things better you have to do what is best for you and your son and leave. I would say try to get some professional help because the ideal would be for your son to have his mother and father in a happy, healthy relationship but if that is not possible you need to leave him and find someone who treats you right and is a role model for your child.0 -
Cut that one loose.0 -
well...as a person who's been on the receiving end of those calls it's total bs. People will treat you how you let them and in my book I had enough and quit letting that person talk to me like that. It did require a break up. I'm not going to be verbally abused/acused/etc by someone who "loves" me. You want to be over? Be over this sweety! I'm sorry that was your Christmas. Pack up your crap. Leave him the xbox (b/c it's evil and might keep him entertained and off the phone). Then go. Don't take the calls. Don't read the fu'd texts. Tell your son he's just not someone who respected you and leave it at that.
You're a strong lady to put up with it. Be stronger and stop it.0 -
I'd suggest you not waste your life away hoping he will change. His actions are speaking volumes and it's time you take the hint. This isn't even about you anymore, there is an infant in the mix that you are responsible for. Your baby deserves a happy and healthy mother and you owe it to yourself to live the life you want to live. Marriage will not solve anything ; it will only further exacerbate the problem later down the line.
Hold you head up high, take your baby, and walk out of that door. It's time for you to take control of your life.
I wish you all the best. :flowerforyou:0 -
ask yourself what you tell your son if he was in a similar situation, you advice to him should be the same advice you give yourself0
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You deserve better and so does your son if he were going to change he would have by now. You're better off without him!
God Bless you and your journey!0 -
Getting married isn't going to make it any better. If he's like this now, he will only be worse as time goes on. Sadly you know inside what is best for you and your son.
This a thousand times over. A house build on sand cannot stand, and will quickly be swept into the abyss of the sea. You can do bad by yourself. Whatever path you choose, good luck. Just remember: Never, ever be a fool for anyone, for any reason.0 -
If it were me I would have left him a long time ago. Think of the example he is setting for your son on what is appropiate behavior towards a woman you love!0
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Is he on the juice or is he a natural D-canoe0
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Leave 'em. They never change. Save yourself the heartache.. I know this from experience. Much love
While I agree that she should dump this loser I don't think it's fair to make the blanket statement that we never change.0 -
Where does this "people don't change" statement come from? People change...all the time. I change and grow every year.
I think people need to want to change though.
There is a difference between accepting his apology and hoping he will change and being proactive about dealing with the issues. Again, I say seek couples counseling for the sake of making things work for your son. If he does not want to work on the relationship then that is a different story.0 -
Ok, this thread is a perfect example of why the divorce rate is so high.
1st off let me say the obvious - this is why having children at such an early age is so hard. (my daughter is 23 with a 1yr old and is having some of the same issues and this it what I've said to her),
Relationship themselves are hard...now throw a baby in there and it gets harder 10 folds. Relationship are a team thing. Both sides have to work at it. Get some counseling if he'll agree. Men can change, they just have to want to. I changed so I know it's possible.
As long as he is not hitting you or the baby I would say try to work together to a solution. If he gets in front of a 3rd party they may be able to talk to him. They may say the same things you are but coming from somebody else it may get thru.
You have to do everything you can to give that baby a stable home with a good mom and a good dad. After you have tried everything and things don't change or get better you may have no choice but to move on. But for the babies sake...try everything and try HARD.
I like this. It's very true. I'll admit I've been in this boat and after leaving my man, upon reflection, I realized he wasn't always the @sshole. I was very much the bzzzzzzzotch, too. I'm talking about ME, not the person that wrote the thread. We get so caught up in what we want without consideration of what the other person wants. I'm sure if we hear his side of the story it may be just the same, just the other way around. You can't change a man, but I believe he can evolve should he choose and become a better man. That's always the possibility. I got back with my man and we're married now because we came to 'terms". LOL0 -
Dump the ***** like a bad batch of potatoes. This whole stay together for the sake of the kids is not going to help anyone, leave him, sue him for child support, and find yourself someone more attractive that treats you and your son like the sun shines out of your *kitten*. Take care, make things better for yourself0
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So, from what I've seen, you've received five pages so far of the same advice (to leave). Given what you've shared with us (in a couple paragraphs), I'd be inclined to say the same, but ultimately you are the one who needs to make the final decision. I'd hope that if you were together with this guy for a while, he can't be all bad (but only you know your feelings and how he treats you on a daily basis...not us, based on what you've told us when you are angry and on the verge of leaving him).
My suggestion would be that you both seriously consider couple's counselling. I think you need to figure out what you need from each other to be happy, talk about it, and come to an agreement regarding if these things are something you can both provide to each other or not. I'd never suggest staying with someone "for your child", but I feel very strongly that you should exhaust all opportunities to work things out (not saying you haven't already) before going your separate ways.
Something to consider, although it's no excuse, is that you guys are pretty young, and both probably have a lot of growing up to do (and you are going to be forced to do it quickly now that your little one is here). If there is a strong older male figure in his life, you might want to reach out to him in hopes that he can talk some sense into your fiance. Maybe hearing it from someone he respects will help him realize what he's at risk of losing here and the seriousness of the situation; that it's time to grow up, be a man, accept his responsibilities and help re-prioritize the things in his life.0 -
leave. now.0
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Sweetie...LEAVE...you are worth so much more than how you are being treated...and your son as well.0
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Leave him, he obviously cares nothing for you or his child since he just wants to play xbox. You are better off without him and there are plenty of men out there that would love to have a woman like you and a son. Find a real man.
Agreed! And I agree with all the others who have said much of the same! There are real men out there, you don't need to settle for a selfish and clearly abusive boy. Besides, as others have said, I too, think you already know what you should do. If he will act like this, there is nothing to say it won't escalate and turn physical as well.0 -
Leave him! You are gorgeous and could do so much better than someone like that. Marrying him will not fix the problem, it will only make it harder to get out.0
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Leave - this isn't love! You don't want your son growing up in this type of environment!0
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As someone that left an extremely abusive relationship that was emotional and verbal abuse, not physical, I can honestly say that this is terrible advice. Getting physically hit would have been no less abusive than the way that my ex husband broke me down to the point that I couldn't even speak without his permission. It has taken me over 10 years to get most of my self confidence back and now I am with someone that truly appreciates me and encourages me to speak out.As long as he is not hitting you or the baby I would say try to work together to a solution.
Abuse is a fundamental betrayal of trust. There is no reason to stay in a relationship like that, especially with a young child.
Amen... so glad you found yourself someone truly worth staying with..0 -
Oh, and one more thing I'd suggest...make sure when you talk to each other, *YOU GUYS* are the ones talking.
What I mean, is as time passes, you will both have people/friends whispering in your ears what you should say, ask/sue for, do, demand, etc. As helpful as this might seem, it's easy for people to offer advice when they aren't in the middle of it all, when they don't have to deal with the repercussions, pay for the lawyers, or see how their suggestions are affecting you, your son or your partner/ex.
No one benefits when you both try to stick it to each other, so that *other* people on the sidelines can live vicariously through your fight. I've found those people are usually driven by anger and past experiences, as opposed to thinking about what's best for you. There is a lot of give and take when you are in a relationship, and a lot more when you are out of one with a child.
If you do end up splitting, I've always tried to follow something I read in a shared parenting brochure; "every child has the right to believe BOTH of their parents are super heroes". I really believe this is important.0 -
Leave and fast. That is no environment to raise your son in. I watched my best friend walk away from her childs father because he was cheating and although it wasnt easy she is much happier and better off now.
Some men can change, but in this case, if nothing has changed over time and he is throwing you out with your child...then nothing is going to make him change. I promise. Get out while you have the chance! Good luck girl, be strong!0 -
Nevermind about what I wrote previously. I must've missed the part where you said, "He's done this about 100 times." I'd rather have people work things out, but he seems immature if he doesn't trust you're @ your mom's. The video game thing was trivial, but the thing where he doesn't believe you're with your mom then cusses you out, that's pretty horrendous. The fact he doesn't trust you means he's untrustworthy himself. He's not ready for marriage.0
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Sorry you are having problems. It will get old feeling like you are his mother. When you can only depend on yourself for your baby, the house, etc. it will feel like you are raising 2 kids. Not exactly husband material. You will grow to resent him and when he is doing something right it won't matter anymore. You always know there is going to be another time when he does it again. Hugs to you!0
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Some quick advice if you have the time?
I am engaged and we have a 2 month old son together. I am 19 and he is 22.
We have been having the same problems for a long time now. I would have left him a long time ago, but I became pregnant and thought he could change. My fiance likes to put his friends before me, and now it has turned into me any his son.
Yesterday, on Christmas, he bascially kicked us out so that he could have a friend over and play xbox. We fought and fought and I ended up going to my mothers. Then he gets drunk tonight and calls me getting mad at me cause I am sleeping and he doesn't believe me. He flips out and then gets over it. Then he gets mad cause when he called me he didn't make any sense because he was so drunk, I told him I was going to bed. Then he texts me (perfectly fine) things like "f**k you", "I'm done". Then he calls me and just talks more crap to me.
This is maybe the 100th time this has happened and I am think I am ready to leave. Actually, I am 90% sure I want to leave tomorrow. Everytime he does this, he apologizes and says he will change and I try again because we have a son together. But it always ends up bad at least a month later.
Opinions please? Thank you.
The exact definition of insanity is; doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results!
Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and unfortunately you cannot force anyone to. I think the best advice would be to think of you son's best interest, sure you were willing to let him treat you not so great before but now you have a son, who do you love more him? Or your son? Do you want your son to grow up think this type of behavior is ok, because not only will he grow up to treat girls the way he saw his dad treat his mother but it is also possible he will treat you with no respect as will.0
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