Feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated...

About 2 years into my relationship with my now husband, I had a meltdown. I was tired of taking care of him. I kept all my frustrations in so long, just kept doing his laundry, cleaning out his car, taking care of his animals, etc that I exploded on him one day. He had no idea I was feeling so unappreaciated and taken advantage of. We talked for hours and I told him that I needed help. He told me he was going to step it up. Since then, things have been so much better. We've been together now for 5 years and just got married 3 months ago.

Does your guy know how you feel? He may be completely oblivious or (strangely enough) think you LIKE being the "super woman".

Just a thought...

Not for nothing, but there are ways around only working 3 days and being able to provide for your kids. I am a single mother of 3 beautiful girls, i have my hand in crappy relationships, I work full time 40 hours a week, I get as much help as i can with day care. where i live they have vouchers that help with the bill, also food stamps will help you out. If you are really that miserable about your situation, and you are because you posted it on line, but really leave it will not get better. It will get worse( i have actually been there) Do some checking around to see what your state/town can give you for help, I could not do it when i was going through it I left/ well kicked him out and i am soooooo much happier.

Not for nothing, but there are ways around only working 3 days and being able to provide for your kids. I am a single mother of 3 beautiful girls, i have my hand in crappy relationships, I work full time 40 hours a week, I get as much help as i can with day care. where i live they have vouchers that help with the bill, also food stamps will help you out. If you are really that miserable about your situation, and you are because you posted it on line, but really leave it will not get better. It will get worse( i have actually been there) Do some checking around to see what your state/town can give you for help, I could not do it when i was going through it I left/ well kicked him out and i am soooooo much happier.

I can't argue that. I guess I should say, "you'd better have all your ducks in a row before making such a dramatic move"

Plus of course, the OP was clearly written at a low ebb, and we only ever have one side of the story with these threads.

The situation may yet be retrievable if he's made to realise that however it goes, life isn't going to be one big party for him from now on. Maybe, just maybe, he loves his fiancee and kids enough to stop being a ****.

EDITED TO ADD.. Aww, how cute, the site doesn't want me to call him a d i c k. We can talk about immensely damaging stuff like emotionally abusive relationships, but heaven forbid we might actually use a very slightly naughty word... FFS... *rolls eyes*

I have been working my *kitten* off trying to make this relationship last because there is good in him, I've seen it. So Don't tell me there is a lack of participation or Im being lazy. Im not being lazy, Im losing my patience.

Then either you're venting, or you're using this to pluck up courage to tell him to get out of your life.

Either way, you're in a tough position, good luck getting your life sorted.

I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening

When your partner consistently gets angry with you because you didn't wash their favorite shorts or aren't serving specifically what they want for dinner, that's abuse. If you are not participating in washing laundry or making dinner, you have no right to complain and you certainly have no right to get angry at the person who is doing it for you.

OP - everyone has said it all. I find it unfortunate you have a child with him, but it's very unlikely he is going to change and he is even less likely to want to help with children who are not his given his current behavior. Marrying him is only going to compound your problems. If you're still willing to try and work it out (though you said you have already tried numerous times) I hope that you postpone your marriage until you are certain you want to be legally tied to this person.

For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.

Well first we don't know the details... are they all/any his children? Does she have family/friends nearby? She's young... maybe her parents could help if they are available.

The 1st decision would be ending the relationship - if she decides to do that then obviously there are many many considerations, and it may be difficult, but not impossible. Leaving is always an option - it can be done. To say it is not possible is condemning battered/abused spouses and people in other domestic turmoil to a lifetime of ****.

1st would be to try to examine BOTH side's mistakes that got them into this. 2nd would be to see if they can come to some agreement to fix the problem. 3rd would be to see if it works out. 4th would be to consider other options if it doesn't. 5th would be to have a frank (aka realistic) discussion about how breaking up would work.

I see a lack of participation. I see laziness. Where is the battering / abusing coming from?

Both sides have been examined and we have both admitted problems. I've done alot to work on mine. He will start working on his then stop after 3. And we have had plenty of discussions numerous times. It always comes back to the same circle: we argue, we compromise, we come to a conclusion, it works for a week, then he goes back to the same ****. As for a "realistic" discussion on how breaking up would work, I've been there too. The way I see it, Ive been a single mom for the last 5 1/2 years with the two relationships I've been in and I can handle it if thats what it comes to.

I have been working my *kitten* off trying to make this relationship last because there is good in him, I've seen it. So Don't tell me there is a lack of participation or Im being lazy. Im not being lazy, Im losing my patience.

I'm sure you've talked and worked at it or this post wouldn't be here. People can improve themselves and make small permanent changes.... complete transformations rarely happen. What you have described - if this is a daily or even every other day occurrence it is a lifestyle and I'm afraid he won't change - you've tried, it hasn't stuck. People are all different. We can either accept those differences and love them anyway, or deem them unacceptable and move on. What is acceptable to one isn't to another. I find what you've described unacceptable but I am not in your shoes. Good luck to you. Whatever you decide I wish you love and happiness.

I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening

Verbally bashing someone because they didn't wash your stupid shorts or make the right dinner and preventing them from sleeping on a regular basis for their own self satisfaction IS abuse.

I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening

When your partner consistently gets angry with you because you didn't wash their favorite shorts or aren't serving specifically what they want for dinner, that's abuse. If you are not participating in washing laundry or making dinner, you have no right to complain and you certainly have no right to get angry at the person who is doing it for you.

OP - everyone has said it all. I find it unfortunate you have a child with him, but it's very unlikely he is going to change and he is even less likely to want to help with children who are not his given his current behavior. Marrying him is only going to compound your problems.

That's not abuse. That's complaining. I never said he didn't have a right to complain.

double post

I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening

When your partner consistently gets angry with you because you didn't wash their favorite shorts or aren't serving specifically what they want for dinner, that's abuse. If you are not participating in washing laundry or making dinner, you have no right to complain and you certainly have no right to get angry at the person who is doing it for you.

OP - everyone has said it all. I find it unfortunate you have a child with him, but it's very unlikely he is going to change and he is even less likely to want to help with children who are not his given his current behavior. Marrying him is only going to compound your problems.

That's not abuse. That's complaining. I never said he didn't have a right to complain.

There's complaining then there's abuse. If he "gives her hell" or whatever she said when she doesn't wash his favorite shorts and he says that she feeds him "the same damn thing all the time" - that's abuse if that's the kind of stuff that your partner says to you every day about small things like that, as is sleep deprivation as another poster mentioned.

No. If he MAKES her do it after stating she will no longer do it, then it's abuse.

No. If he MAKES her do it after stating she will no longer do it, then it's abuse.

I guess you don't believe in mental or emotional abuse.

i do belive in it. Just don't believe what you are describing is it.

Did the OP specifically say he as cursing and using foul language? Is the OP NOT cursing and using foul language?

You're trying to assume your point here.

Did the OP specifically say he as cursing and using foul language? Is the OP NOT cursing and using foul language?

You're trying to assume your point here.

Oy, I did not say that's what she said AT ALL. I'm not assuming anything - I did NOT say that there has been foul language - I said it's not necessary for abuse (regardless of this specific situation). Let it go.

I read the OP's first post again. I stand by the fact that's not abuse. I see her really trying to do everything and it's catching up to her.

For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.

Well first we don't know the details... are they all/any his children? Does she have family/friends nearby? She's young... maybe her parents could help if they are available.

The 1st decision would be ending the relationship - if she decides to do that then obviously there are many many considerations, and it may be difficult, but not impossible. Leaving is always an option - it can be done. To say it is not possible is condemning battered/abused spouses and people in other domestic turmoil to a lifetime of ****.

1st would be to try to examine BOTH side's mistakes that got them into this. 2nd would be to see if they can come to some agreement to fix the problem. 3rd would be to see if it works out. 4th would be to consider other options if it doesn't. 5th would be to have a frank (aka realistic) discussion about how breaking up would work.

I see a lack of participation. I see laziness. Where is the battering / abusing coming from?

Both sides have been examined and we have both admitted problems. I've done alot to work on mine. He will start working on his then stop after 3. And we have had plenty of discussions numerous times. It always comes back to the same circle: we argue, we compromise, we come to a conclusion, it works for a week, then he goes back to the same ****. As for a "realistic" discussion on how breaking up would work, I've been there too. The way I see it, Ive been a single mom for the last 5 1/2 years with the two relationships I've been in and I can handle it if thats what it comes to.

I have been working my *kitten* off trying to make this relationship last because there is good in him, I've seen it. So Don't tell me there is a lack of participation or Im being lazy. Im not being lazy, Im losing my patience.

The only other thing I have to say and of course I am no body to you but someone who has been through a situation like your before, If you see or have seen good in him then why does his "goodness" only last for a short time? He either 1 does not respect you enough to change or 2 he veiws you as a "slave" in so many words. I was with a guy for 2 years , but he acted the same way I only had 2 girls at the time, but he would NEVER cook, clean do laundry or even bring the groceries up to our apratment. He always wanted me to spend tiem with him, so i would then the "home duties" would not get done, then he would complain that the house was a mess. If I did not make what he liked for dinner he would make me feel like i was doing something wrong and i would make him something different so a fight would not break out. It is you and you alone that can either make or break your situation, obviously you have tried but he does not want to. You can only be pushed so far as a PERSON, your kids and your relationship has nothing to do with how he makes you feel as a PERSON. All the best to you.