Dating! EEEK!

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  • grumpymoo
    grumpymoo Posts: 64
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    Hi guys! Hope you're all doing great out there in calorie land!!:drinker:

    I have just about gotten past all my 'hang-ups' with this guy.....BUT.... :bigsmile: He dropped a very large bombshell on me the last time we spoke. Actually there were two...

    The first one really bothers me and it is that he seems to have like, serious money! The kind that spends 1000's on one meal out. This totally freaks me out! I don't have money, have never had money. The kids and I are comfortable moneywise but I just feel really uncomfortable about this disparity in our incomes. Being a single mum means I've kind of stacked up all the independant and in control blocks into a nice safe wall! :laugh: Perhaps I'm just reading too much into this????

    Secondly he said to me that he is separated with no intention of divorce. Does this strike anyone as odd? Also, he says that he hasn't been 'with anyone' for 6 years but he told me he's only been separated for 3 years. Is this odd also????

    Am I just being overly sensitive? You guys give such great advice, and I'm hoping someone will be able to shed some light on this. I know, greedy huh??:laugh: :laugh:

    I just can't get enough of all you guys and your great advice and sympathy!
    :heart:
  • kimber607
    kimber607 Posts: 7,128 Member
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    Hi

    I see MAJOR red flags regarding his seperation....regardless if he hasn't been with his ex for 3 or 6 yrs....why is he against getting divorced?
    Is there still an emotional connection...financial.....before getting involved, I would def want more information

    Good luck, kim
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,047 Member
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    Yikes, Coralie.

    First of all, thank God he told you. Please - tell him that you won't date a married man. There is NOTHING good about him being married. The money would be a good thing were it not for that.

    Let me just say from experience and many, many tears, and lots of pain: I have been on ALL sides of infidelity. And any emotional attachment will eventually become a kiss, if not more. Then you have crossed a line that can't be un-crossed. Nothing good will come of it. Separation could just mean he's living with her still (or, goes back and forth)......money may stop a divorce from EVER happening.

    Save yourself and get out now. If you are waiting for him you may miss the right guy. Be available for the right guy to show up.

    If you want to talk off this thread, please message me and I'll give you my email, or we could go to the chats and talk. I have Hotmail messenger if that would work for you.

    Many hugs and prayers coming your way :smooched:

    ~Cheryl
  • grumpymoo
    grumpymoo Posts: 64
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    Hi

    I see MAJOR red flags regarding his seperation....regardless if he hasn't been with his ex for 3 or 6 yrs....why is he against getting divorced?
    Is there still an emotional connection...financial.....before getting involved, I would def want more information

    Good luck, kim

    Hi. Thanks, I'm guessing it's the money thing. With complicated divorce etc and not wanting her to get any of his money.

    And who could blame him? I had none of these problems with my divorce as we had no property or money to split.

    I admit that some things bother me a little, like not knowing his last name or the name of his son.

    But then if he is a private person, this isn't surprising. Frustrating but not surprising!!

    How much can I beleive of what he has told me?? I must admit that trust is a big thing with me. I don't give it very easily.
  • alaskagal
    alaskagal Posts: 326
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    Hi

    I see MAJOR red flags regarding his seperation....regardless if he hasn't been with his ex for 3 or 6 yrs....why is he against getting divorced?
    Is there still an emotional connection...financial.....before getting involved, I would def want more information

    Good luck, kim

    Hi. Thanks, I'm guessing it's the money thing. With complicated divorce etc and not wanting her to get any of his money.

    And who could blame him? I had none of these problems with my divorce as we had no property or money to split.

    I admit that some things bother me a little, like not knowing his last name or the name of his son.

    But then if he is a private person, this isn't surprising. Frustrating but not surprising!!

    How much can I beleive of what he has told me?? I must admit that trust is a big thing with me. I don't give it very easily.

    I've been following this since day one and cheering for you (silently, as I haven't posted) but please listen to Cheryl and others warning of MAJOR RED FLAGS. He's not the one if he's not truly single and also if he's withholding simple information like last name, etc. Something is WAY OFF here.

    Please save yourself a lot of grief and heartache -- move on now while it will be so much easier.

    You deserve a man that can focus completely on you.

    Best of luck -
    :flowerforyou:
  • pam0206
    pam0206 Posts: 700 Member
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    I'm with the other posts. Tons of red flags. You've already been out several times and don't know his last name. Does he know yours? I think it's time to move on...................

    It doesn't seem like he's in the same place as you right now as far as what he wants from a relationship. If he doesn't plan to divorce his wife then, he's never planning to marry again? That wouldn't be good enough for me to play second fiddle to a wife, even if he seems to be a nice guy.
  • sophialittle
    sophialittle Posts: 344 Member
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    um, yeah, what alaskagal said. . . lol

    honestly though, i agree with her. "the one" shouldn't be that complicated and come with all those concerns right off the bat. i'm sure that you want this to work because it would be great to be with someone fabulous! but i think you are really not treating yourself with enough deserved respect and you are heading down a road for hurt if you continue to pursue anything other than a friendship with him.

    there's a difference between being a "private person" and flat out hiding stuff. i hate to say it, but i'm certain it's the second option here. :ohwell: being a private person is not spilling every detail of your life on the first date. hiding stuff is not being willing to share "getting to know you" info like children's names and last names.

    i'm sorry to tell you these things. i almost didn't post because i don't want to hurt your feelings or offend you but i decided to post because i wanted you to know what i feel is the truth. it sounds like you are making positive steps forward in your life, overall right now, so please don't take a step backwards. :flowerforyou:

    hope that helps and wasn't mean :happy:
  • catlover
    catlover Posts: 389
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    I logged on today looking for an update and I only have this one thing to say: RUN as far and as fast as you can to the nearest exit and never look back. As much as we want to believe that people are honest with us, I don't believe any of this and it's not even me he's talking to. And even if he was honest, how he treats his ex will be how he treats you, so if you don't want him someday hiding things from you, then get out now, and consider it a lesson for you.
  • grumpymoo
    grumpymoo Posts: 64
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    Hi everyone! :flowerforyou:

    Sorry to be so long in replying, but it's all a little busy in my house just now!

    Firstly I'd like to say a big THANKS to all the comments! :heart: I'm hearing you all loud and clear.

    I too see the red flags and hear the warning bells going off in my head. When I stop making excuses that is!! lol

    So now how do I have the 'conversation' that gives me all the answers that I need? Do I just plow straight in and ask why he doesn't want to get divorced (which is what I should've done at the time)?:sick: Or do I just cut him off completely and not risk it?? :ohwell:

    And depending on either his response or my not doing anything at all do I then give up on this guy entirely? I am in a position where my instincts tell me one thing but all the advice I'm given is telling me another??

    One thing I DO know is that I will NOT be 'the other woman' even if he has no feelings for his ex and they don't live together. I have figured out that much at least!! Yay go me!!:laugh:

    Is there any way of having a relationship with someone in this position? He did after all put himself on the dating website.... BUT ...Does this mean he only wants 'one thing' or is he just mixed up emotionally? I can't seem to make this all make sense.:grumble:

    I know good relationships require effort to maintain but should it be this hard?

    Sigh. And I thought I'd found myself a good one....:sad:

    You all take care out there.
    :heart:
  • MFS27
    MFS27 Posts: 549 Member
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    I have to agree with all the previous posters. You don't need to have any kind of convo with him - it is obvious that, yes, he is only out for one thing, and, no, he is not going to commit to any kind of serious, monagamous relationship. Glad he was honest about that, however I think he is testing the waters to see if you are willing to accept a no-strings-tied relationship (I have a different word in mind, but won't use it.) Don't settle - he won't change.

    Listen to what the rest of us are saying - close the book on this guy, period. If you really feel like you want closure, then write him an e-mail letting him know you aren't interested (really not necessary - I think he will get it when you don't call/text him, and he won't be surprised.)

    The right guy is out there waiting for you; don't waste time with this one.

    BTW - I'm speaking from experience (as I'm sure many of us are). So I know how hard it is to hear the voice(s) of reason when your heart speaks so loudly. But, you gotta trusts us on this - I wish I had listened to my voices of reason way back when.

    Hugs.
  • alaskagal
    alaskagal Posts: 326
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    IMHO....

    good relationships do require hard work....the key here being the word "relationship" which to me generally means a longer period of time than 3 or 4 dates (respectfully said.)

    See what the rest of the gang has to say but...anything that needs this much work and unraveling right from the get go might not be the best path to travel down.

    Relationships need to be built on trust and respect....right now he isn't completely giving you those.

    You deserve full disclosure, truthfullness, respect....the right one is out there....keep fishing.....

    All the best
    :flowerforyou:
  • catlover
    catlover Posts: 389
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    I think the key word here is relationship--and what you define it as. When I was divorced (with final papers in hand) I had a 'relationship" with several people, some at the same time. Now, was any one of them ever going to end up a fairy tale marriage, Uh, no. So the answer to the question, is it possible to have a relationship with someone like that??, the answer is yes, but you may have to redefine what you want out of it. And what you get will probably not be what you bargained for. Something inside me is telling me that this is going to work itself out with little or no real effort on your part, so hang in there with us and we'll hang in there for you.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,047 Member
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    Coralie.

    Good luck whatever you decide. Personally I say RUN. Here is my text to him:

    "sorry, I like u, but ur married. call me when ur divorced for a year. bye."

    Cheryl :brokenheart:
  • grumpymoo
    grumpymoo Posts: 64
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    Thank you Cheryl, I like the sound of your text. I might do that! Or email him. And Verna, thank you for all your support all the way through!

    I just keep thinking that maybe he will turn out to be an ok guy at the end of this. Deluded huh? :laugh:

    The whole 'new man' feeling is addictive though isn't it? When your mobile phone beeps for a new message, your heart races and when he calls...WOW, what a rush! It is very hard to let go of this. Maybe because it's been sooooo long since anyone showed any interest in me. :sad:

    Sad, I know, BUT I will tell him that I'm just not interested. Not untill he gets those divorce papers anyway!

    Righto, am off to write....'The Email'..... or text...

    And so ends the not-so-exciting first series of .... 'How not to date in your 30's.' Tune in next year for series two....

    :heart: :flowerforyou: :heart:
  • ohthatbambi
    ohthatbambi Posts: 1,098 Member
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    Run, baby, run. He will make up excuses that you might allow yourself to listen to. No excuse is an okay excuse to have a wife and a girlfriend. You are a single mom and you and your kids deserve better than some rich jerk that is looking for some action on the side. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't make excuses for him. His being married may explain the absense in his calls etc. You don't know his last name...maybe so you can't find out more about him. SNAKE in the grass. You can't believe a word out his mouth and if I were advising a close friend in the same situation then I would tell her under no circumstances should she see this man again. I wouldn't even bother with telling him why you can't see him again, b/c he does not deserve that respect. My two cents.
  • grumpymoo
    grumpymoo Posts: 64
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    My two cents.

    Thank you for your honesty Bamboo.
    :flowerforyou:
  • catlady
    catlady Posts: 9
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    PLEASE - get yourself a copy of the the book "He's just not that into you". It really opened up my eyes when I was newly divorced and starting to look for someone.

    http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X
  • grumpymoo
    grumpymoo Posts: 64
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    PLEASE - get yourself a copy of the the book "He's just not that into you". It really opened up my eyes when I was newly divorced and starting to look for someone.

    http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X

    Thanks! Have just ordered a copy! I hope it helps. Something has to. :laugh:
  • xmimikinsx
    xmimikinsx Posts: 191
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    You are a beautiful woman and should not be intimidated by a man for a start! Don't sit biting your nails worrying about you should/shouldn't say, be yourself and be confident. Afterall, there's nothing more attractive than confidence whether you weigh 120Ilbs or 250Ilbs!
    Good luck, I'm sure you don't need it!
  • grumpymoo
    grumpymoo Posts: 64
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    You are a beautiful woman and should not be intimidated by a man for a start! Don't sit biting your nails worrying about you should/shouldn't say, be yourself and be confident. Afterall, there's nothing more attractive than confidence whether you weigh 120Ilbs or 250Ilbs!
    Good luck, I'm sure you don't need it!

    Thank you so much! But sadly confidence is in short supply at the moment! What I really need to do is kick myself in the butt and just ask this guy why he doesn't want to divorce his wife!

    Hopefully then I can get on with things again!
    :heart:

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