For the perpetually single

auticus
auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
edited October 20 in Chit-Chat
First off let it be known, do not turn this into a whining "my life is horrible I can't find anyone" thread. That's not what the spirit of this is about.

I got divorced in 2003 at the age of 26 and have largely been single ever since. I have had two relationships since then; one lasted six months and the other a couple of years. I have had myriad dates in between but really nothing has clicked with anyone.

This did in the beginning bother me greatly but as I have gotten older, I have found that it genuinely has affected me less and less. I own my own house, support my daughter, and can pretty much do as I please.

One thing that kind of annoys me though is that people I know will comment that if someone stays single longer than six months that that means they are defective people, something is wrong with them, and they are by and large an untouchable.

So some general chit chat on that topic. Do you see someone who hasn't been in any long term relationship for a long time as a defective person?

There are several reasons why I have not been able to find anyone to really mate up with. Some are my own doing, others circumstance.

First and foremost I am very selective. I do not want to be with someone that I really don't want to be with, if that makes sense. That requires a physical attraction on top of an intellectual connection and a spiritual/emotional attachment. Those are hard to find! To mix it up a bit, up until recently I was obese (+40 lbs overweight) and am not attracted to obese women, so that kind of narrowed my potential selection from a pool of prospects to... well... nothing ;) Now that I am relatively in shape again, that has changed but up until this point that played a big role.

There are a host of other reasons that make it so my "boyfriend material" score is lowered, most of which has to do with my own personal choices and independence. I am also very much a nerd, and it's hard to explain my shelves of games, models, and other nerdery to most women, who often ask me how old I really am upon seeing them.

:D

To those that are perpetually single, tell your tale. For others, do you see someone who is mostly alone as someone defective, and if so why?
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Replies

  • BioQueen
    BioQueen Posts: 694 Member
    I don't think being single should be considered "defective," but I definitely thinks it depends on how the person deals with that situation. I know some singles who are very needy, always looking, and complain when they don't have anyone. Doesn't seem healthy or happy to me haha. I've been single for a while (I'm still in college so it isn't like I have really been single long term), but I've been loving it. I can do what I want, when I want, and not have to deal with someone I'm not 100% interested in. I think there is something to say about a person who is confident to be by themselves.
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    I think you are exactly right. It's not healthy to be clingy/desperate while single. I see that a lot.

    I wonder though if the people who claim those who haven't been in a relationship are defective as to how they'd react if they were single for long term... I wonder if they'd be clingy/desperate while single as well...

    I think some people tie happiness directly to their ability to find a mate.
  • PepeGreggerton
    PepeGreggerton Posts: 986 Member
    I have been essentially single since October of 2010 after I walked away from an 11 year long CF of a relationship. I've had a couple short lived relationships between, one which was very serious. But unfortunately once it got serious and she felt vulnerable she ran... Subsequently leaving me pretty broken for quite a while.

    It's taken a little bit to get used to no longer having certain things in my life but I am finding the longer I am alone the easier it seems to be. Does that make me defective? I think not. I just have other priorities. Namely myself (for the first time in my life), as well as my daughter and stepson.
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    Yeah to priorities. That's one thing with me as well, I have two kids (16 & 14) and I have to do my duty as a parent to see them grown and responsible people, which sometimes means sacrificing things that I want.
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
    I would almost say the opposite. People who go directly from one relationship to the next without ever really being single seem to be the defective ones to me... I know a few people like this and they depend on being with someone. If you can't survive alone, if you constantly ahve to have a partner then your relationship is not going to be started on/or based on something real.

    I've only been on a date with/been in a relationship with 4 people in my entire life. I was in a relationship for 4 years and then single for 2 before meeting the person I am with now. I don't think being single for awhile is a bad thing at all.
  • Shanna_Inc86
    Shanna_Inc86 Posts: 781 Member
    I don't think I'm a defective....a pain in the *kitten* sure :laugh:

    I've had 3 short term boyfriends & various flings since leaving my daughter's father in june 2008

    First, I wanted to jump right into a relationship, get married, have another baby and live happily ever after....
    um yea...

    I've matured and things were looking like they would get serious with the last guy I dated. He was the one to bring up living together, marriage, I wanna take care of you, blah blah blah BULLSH!T blah

    Something changed after I broke up with him (various reasons, a huge one being my daughter didn't like him)
    It's been almost 6months and I haven't really dated or done anything with anyone. There have been guys that have asked me out on dates, couple times I went, some I just flat out said no to.

    My daughter will be 5 in a month and my desire to have another baby is almost nonexistent anymore.
    And until same sex partners can marry in my state, I wont' either

    I don't have a huge desire for a serious relationship anymore. I'd like to go out and if someone came along, sure. With work and school and now my daughter getting to school age and in outside activities...where's the time??
    Also, I have sole physical and legal custody of my daughter and her father doesn't have his act together, so I've had her pretty much ALL the time. I use babysitting requests sparingly and usually to go out with my friends.
  • reaolliemama
    reaolliemama Posts: 483 Member
    I was largly single for 37 years, had one three year relationship (senior year of h.s and 2 years of college) and nothing more than a month of two until i met my husband. He was single for 43 years (nothing more than a few months). We met, dated for 8 months, got engaged, married after 13 months together and have been married for three years now...so I guess miracles do happen for "defective" people.:laugh:


    I personally think once I worked through some of my "defects" and felt better about me, that was when I was functional enough to sustain a relationship!
  • lilyvale68
    lilyvale68 Posts: 96 Member
    I've been single for over 4 years. I've had a couple of short relationships in that time frame but nothing that excites me. I'm in my 40s so that really limits the choices. When I find someone who sweeps me off my feet, I'll jump in. But, until then I'm happy exploring life on my own, with my kids, or with friends.
  • Pocket_Pixi
    Pocket_Pixi Posts: 1,167 Member
    I have been single for going on 5 years now, I have had one short term relationship that lasted for 2 months and then it ended and I just never got back into the dating scene..because I was a very broken person because the long term relationship was horrible the guy was controling and manipulative and just nasty so, I decided I needed to work on me for once, and figure out who the hell I am as a person, and what I want in life and being in a relationship was not going to help me do that.

    If I find someone who is completely amazing and just blows me away I would go with it but until that day comes, I am quite happy to be me, doing my thing with out having to worry about anyone else.
  • MomsTooBig
    MomsTooBig Posts: 201 Member
    I agree with fbmandy55,...people who go from relationship to relationship are more so 'defective'. If you can't take care of/love yourself, then how can you do so for another?

    That being said, I guess although I don't entirely agree with it, I'm in the 'defective' category. I haven't gone from one relationship to another, but my circumstances have made me such.

    I have 4 children ranging from ages 2 -16. - When you seem to have more then 2, most ppl assume it's with more then one guy and you want a 'baby daddy'. My children share the same father.

    I currently am on assistance. I had to leave and go to a shelter with basically the closes on our backs. Their dad neglected us then, and he still does now. I have made several attempts to go to school, but due to physical disabilities, I haven't found what will work for me/us YET. I'm a very ambitious person, but virtually all potential dates would see this as big strike number 2. I'm looked at as lazy and looking for a cheque.

    My last strike isn't as big for most, but it does deter it's fair amount. I was born with congenital disabilities which include scoliosis and a left arm/hand which is shorter, missing a thumb, and with limited movement. Our eye tends to go for symmetry, and I definitely don't fit that criteria lol.

    I left my ex in 2003 and have had one relationship since (2004/05ish). It was brief as I felt due to the above reasons (well, not the last one), that it was doomed. I wanted to get our life together more so I could be an equal in the relationship. I don't want to be a burden. 4 kids is a lot to bring in, I know it is.

    I am ready to date again (the benefit of time healing wounds), but it's going to take a very unique person. I do have a lot to offer in a relationship, but my outward circumstances are very hard (impossible for some) to get over.

    Sorry for the long post, but this is right up my alley, and I find the topic very interesting. Thanks for posting!

    Tracy
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  • sloneczka
    sloneczka Posts: 18
    Yeah to priorities. That's one thing with me as well, I have two kids (16 & 14) and I have to do my duty as a parent to see them grown and responsible people, which sometimes means sacrificing things that I want.

    WOW you don't see that everyday, its important and I know a lot of parents who claim to put their kids first but they really dont (i.e., bringing partners around who are not best for their children, etc.). Don't think you are "defective", sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I know many long-term single people who are just focusing on their own life. Some have children, most don't, but there is nothing wrong with it... Best of luck to you, I think happiness with one's self is most important, good relationships come after....
  • KlassyKassi
    KlassyKassi Posts: 58 Member
    Bump...I don't have time to answer right now, but I wanna come look at this thread later.
  • violetness
    violetness Posts: 131 Member
    I have wondered about that too - to the point of wondering if I AM defective after being in several failed relationships. I am a strong, independent, very intelligent woman, I'm not ugly (a little fat, but working on that!). I own my own business, work from home at a job I love and go to school as well. I am a nerd also, and sometimes it seems hard to get around that, but in truth, I LIKE being a nerd. I like my life and who I am. I would LOVE to find a real, genuine partner, someone who can care for me the way I care for them and accept me for where I am NOW and not what I am hoping to be in a year. Sometimes I think that being overweight has really hindered my love life. Few want to give someone a chance to someone who is a physical work in progress - I didn't know if they are embarrassed to be seen with someone who is overweight, or they think its gross or what - I guess I am someone who accepts someone for who they are, flaws and all, in spite of themselves. But yes, its hard. I don't want to be single forever, but I am not defective. If others think I am, well, then I guess I don't want to be part of their life anyway.
  • sabby107
    sabby107 Posts: 9
    Being perpetually single has led me to the following:

    - An amazing summer fling with a highly attractive/fit (inside and out) guy EVEN WHEN I WAS AT MY FATTEST because he told me he found me confident and, well, original...
    - Random slightly drunken escapades while clubbing at night in Vienna, Austria on a trip to Europe that I took with one of my best friends
    - Probably getting a university radio show with a guy friend
    - Volunteering regularly
    - Getting straight As while taking 23 credit hours per semester
    - Getting back into working out and eating right

    I see nothing wrong with this. If you excel and push yourself in other dimensions in life, truly find your passion and follow it, good things follow, and maybe a guy (or girl) will too. Seriously. As much as I hated hearing the advice before, it's true - self-confidence is so, so key.
  • terilianne
    terilianne Posts: 5
    I am a 23 year old woman and have been single for a week shy of 3 years after coming out of a relationship with my high school boyfriend that last almost 5 years.

    I certainly don't think I'm defective. Selfish, stubborn and fiercely independant but not defective. It took me a while to find out who I was after I split with the ex, and I personally think that is one of the reasons why I am reluctant to pair up with someone else again - what if I lose myself? I've just found out who I am and I'm not sure if I'm prepared to sacrifice that just so my friends will invite me on a couples holiday once a year.

    Alot of my friends think that because I've been single for so long now, I am effectively 'on the shelf' and even my parents (who have been married 30+ years) find it strange that I'm not actively seeking out a 'life partner', but for the time being I'm happy as I am. Sometimes I feel the pressure to look for someone to couple up with, but most of the time I just think 'f**k it, I don't need a man.' I like to please myself, I like not having to consider someone elses opinions and feelings when I want to do something as small as go to the cinema or out to eat.

    It doesn't make you defective to be perpetually single, it makes you independant and self-sufficient, not only because you want to be, but because you need to be.
  • kit_katty
    kit_katty Posts: 992 Member
    Considering I've been single for the last year and a half, I don't think that it's because I am defective. For me, I felt I wanted to not bring emotional baggage with me, wanted to work on myself before moving on plus some other outside factors. If I met a great guy, I'd go out with him but otherwise it's just not a priority for me right now.

    In general I dislike generalizations... :D
  • PepeGreggerton
    PepeGreggerton Posts: 986 Member
    Yeah to priorities. That's one thing with me as well, I have two kids (16 & 14) and I have to do my duty as a parent to see them grown and responsible people, which sometimes means sacrificing things that I want.

    Yea I don't even involve my kids in my dating life. They've not met anyone that I've dated. Life is hard enough without the added confusion.
  • kraebear
    kraebear Posts: 66
    I don't think if someone is single for 6+ months they are defective. HOWEVER, I do think that some women would see that you (general you) have been single for so long, they'd wonder wether or not you (general you) wanted a serious relationship at all or just wanted to have fun.

    Then again, us women read into things way too much sometimes.
  • andreacord
    andreacord Posts: 928
    I don't think that the person should be found defective. I've been single for about a month and a half after coming out of a two year relationship. I'm in my first year of college so I'm not really "looking" per se but open to the idea of meeting someone new.
  • MomsTooBig
    MomsTooBig Posts: 201 Member
    But yes, its hard. I don't want to be single forever, but I am not defective. If others think I am, well, then I guess I don't want to be part of their life anyway.

    Amen! You hit the nail on the head! :happy:
  • tangie82
    tangie82 Posts: 285 Member
    I think people who jump from relationship to relationship are defective. It's ok to be alone to really get to know yourself, figure out what you want and figure out the things you are willing to accept and not accept. I don't think anyone should settle just for the sake of not being single.
  • kraebear
    kraebear Posts: 66
    I think people who jump from relationship to relationship are defective. It's ok to be alone to really get to know yourself, figure out what you want and figure out the things you are willing to accept and not accept. I don't think anyone should settle just for the sake of not being single.

    I agree completely! My best friend goes from one relationship to another without even taking a breath!
  • FitDC
    FitDC Posts: 63
    You are not defective at all, just the opposite. You are making sacrifices for your children. After a divorce, you never know how the next guy will treat your children (molest, hit, ignore, etc). Continue to focus on your children and then when they are in college or on their own you will have a great freedom and joy that you can share with your partner. Go on, girl. You are a great example to other single Moms!!
  • suztheq
    suztheq Posts: 168 Member
    I would almost say the opposite. People who go directly from one relationship to the next without ever really being single seem to be the defective ones to me... I know a few people like this and they depend on being with someone. If you can't survive alone, if you constantly ahve to have a partner then your relationship is not going to be started on/or based on something real.

    I definitely agree with this^^^ I also think a lot of people are so caught up in what they are "supposed" to do rather than what they really want to do. A lot of my friends that were married before the age of 25 were divorced in less than five years. Some that are still married are completely miserable. It was like they were in love with the idea of being in love and not in it for the right reason. I almost fell into the trap myself. All of my friends were married, having kids... Why shouldn't I? So glad I didn't.

    You do not seem "defective" on any front, and anyone that implies that you are is probably jealous..Be glad that you can focus on being you and supporting your kids. A lot of those so-called "happy" people don't have that luxury.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    I think independent people do tend to go for long stretches without being in a relationship. Similarly, needy people go from one relationship to the next without pausing for breath because they feel like it's not normal to be "alone."

    I don't think there's anything wrong with being "picky" about who you choose to become emotionally invested in and spend a significant amount of your time and energy on. If you're "that person" who refuses to let anyone get close to you because you're afraid of being hurt or afraid that you can't control your own impulses enough to avoid hurting THEM, then sure, you have some issues to work out. But people who can't make it from this morning to this afternoon without a boyfriend/girlfriend have some issue of their own.
  • porcelain_doll
    porcelain_doll Posts: 1,005 Member
    I used to wonder what people thought of me when they found out I was single, particularly the fact of how long I've been single for. The majority of people I graduated HS with are married with children by now. But then I realized that it was really a reflection of what I felt about myself. I was actually wondering if something was wrong with me, but projecting it onto others. It's given me a chance to grow and become a better mate for someone when they do come along. Dating isn't something I've ever had much luck with, but I've accepted that as part of what has made me who I am.

    It is hard these days to find someone that's right, but I do believe there is someone for everyone.
  • ImKindOfABigDeal40
    ImKindOfABigDeal40 Posts: 807 Member
    I'm in the same boat as you. I've been divorced for 3 years and just got out of a relationship. I don't want to just jump right back into a new relationship and I am in no hurry to get wrapped up in someone else's life right now. I don't think that makes me defective. It makes me wise!
  • michedarnd
    michedarnd Posts: 207 Member
    The idea that over-six-months makes someone untouchable is absurd. Frankly, in a divorcee, LESS than six months would make them untouchable. Frankly, I wouldn't want to deal with the immediate fallout and the constant comparison. People need time to deal with something ending (even if it's not a marriage) before they go on. Also, the kind of person that stays single longer is generally more selective and has better reasons for choosing an individual. It's not about "being with someone." It's about wanting the person that they choose. That's a MUCH better reason, and it tends to last longer.

    In someone nerdy, longer in-between times is par-for-the-course. They tend to be bright and need intellectual stimulation, and they have less colloquial interests. But, untouchable? Hogwash!

    Now, I've probably been single longer than anybody you've ever met. That's by choice. If I were to break that, it would be because I CHOSE to and found someone worth breaking it for, but I can see someone thinking thrice about someone whose last relationship ended *13 YEARS* ago. For a woman, that could bespeak a number of different things, the LEAST harmful of which (and, in this case, the most fitting) would be a level of independence that makes them difficult to pair. THAT would be a reasonable reaction.

    But, I enjoy my life, and if there should ever be someone that is just worth breaking through those walls for, they would, by the definition of "worth it," judge me for myself and not whether or not I've been leaping from relationship to relationship just to be seen as being "like everyone else" or "matchable."
  • Auspiciousgirl
    Auspiciousgirl Posts: 89
    I'm sorry that you have had negative comments about being sinlge! It sounds like you know the standards that you've set for yourself and you aren't willing to settle for anything less. That sounds very healthy to me :)
  • PepeGreggerton
    PepeGreggerton Posts: 986 Member
    I don't think that makes me defective. It makes me wise!

    It certainly does.
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