parent versus school

godblessourhome · January 2012

my son forgot his coat this morning.

it is cold here. c o l d. see-the-frost-when-you-breathe cold. son wanted to wear a short-sleeve shirt and i made him put a long-sleeve. he was really upset and it threw the rhythm of our whole morning off so i didn't notice that he wasn't wearing a coat until he climbed out of the car at the school. i was mad, but it was too late to do anything about it (it's a 20 minute drive each way).

the school called and asked me to bring him a coat. i said 'no!'

i told them to have him miss recess and do his homework during recess time, or have him attend recess without a coat and be cold to learn why he needs a coat. the school is appalled. they said they would not do either and would give him a coat from the lost and found to borrow, but to please make sure he had his own coat tomorrow.

as a parent, it is hard to teach your child responsibility. i don't want to be callous, but i also don't want to enable bad decisions.

so what do you think? is this a teaching moment or is the school right in being compassionate?

would you bring the coat?

**if you disagree, please do so nicely. i am not a bad person or a bad mom just because you would do things differently.

carolann_22 · January 2012

How old? Age 8 and up, I TOTALLY agree with you. That's old enough to know it's cold and that you need a coat. Under 8, I would probably bring him the coat.

EmCarroll1990 · January 2012

I don't think from your story that it remotely resembles a bad mom, so no worries there. Boys are troublesome and will do whatever it takes to "look cool", my little brother used to do this all the time. You should have stuck with your gut and made him go outside. It's not so cool when you've got frostbite.

mgmlap · January 2012

Dude...I totally agree. My mom did that to me. Even if a kid is 5-6...they know that if its cold...put another layer on. I do think schools coddle the children way to much nowadays.

My oldest is a sophomore in high school..and the amount of chances these kids get to turn homework in is unbelievable. In my day..(ha..no I didnt walk uphill both ways in snow)....if you didnt have your homework..no second chances..you got a "missing assignment" mark..

byHISstrength · January 2012

I think you made the right decision. We shouldn't be rewarded for wrong behavior. Way to go Mom!

_binary_jester_ · January 2012

I totally get what you are saying and actually I agree with your sentiments. What I also see is the school being forced to act in local parentis, they have a one-set policy.

You did this to teach your kid responsibility. Another parent would say no because they can't be bothered to go down to the school.

ajbeans · January 2012

I don't know... how old is he? Mine are 5 and almost-4. At their age, I kind of feel like if they forget something like that, it's my responsibility to fix it, because they're still learning. Still not sure I would drive 20 minutes, but I wouldn't be upset about the lost-and-found coat. But if he's old enough to know better and he deliberately refused to wear a coat, then no, I wouldn't even worry about it, and I would insist that he stay in from recess as a consequence for not wearing it. I'm not really sure why the school wouldn't honor your request to have him stay in though. Seems like common sense to me that if the parent asks for the child to stay in, he stays in.

nallbaby10 · January 2012

I wouldnt have either...depending on age and reason for forgetting it. Doesnt make you a bad parent at all, actually good for you for being a good parent and teaching responsibility!

Kimmer2011 · January 2012

Mom's Logical Consequences 1, School's Enabling 0. Yet Mom still lost this round. Sorry the school didn't support you!

tam120 · January 2012

While I agree that it's a teaching moment.... learn to be responsible for yourself and your stuff, I can also see the school's point. To have a child indoors during recess requires supervision, who would that responsibility fall to? This is probably the only time during the day that the teacher has to regroup (I think I'd pull my hair out if I had to spend day in, day out with children, let alone not getting any break during the day). And if it's cold enough that you can see your breath a child should not be outside without a coat, if I were responsible for another person's child I would definitely not allow that child outdoors without a coat.

NKF92879 · January 2012

As a teacher, I TOTALLY agree with you. Kids need to learn that actions have consequences.

KimmieBrie · January 2012

I totally get what you are saying and actually I agree with your sentiments. What I also see is the school being forced to act in local parentis, they have a one-set policy.

You did this to teach your kid responsibility. Another parent would say no because they can't be bothered to go down to the school.

^^^ This. Unfortunately, too many lax parents expect the schools to "parent" their children as well as be a teaching institution.
The school should have honored your request to keep him in (not send him out to freeze - schools are liable now for every little thing). Missing recess with friends would have taught him a lesson.

AnninStPaul · January 2012

While I agree that it's a teaching moment.... learn to be responsible for yourself and your stuff, I can also see the school's point. To have a child indoors during recess requires supervision, who would that responsibility fall to? This is probably the only time during the day that the teacher has to regroup (I think I'd pull my hair out if I had to spend day in, day out with children, let alone not getting any break during the day). And if it's cold enough that you can see your breath a child should not be outside without a coat, if I were responsible for another person's child I would definitely not allow that child outdoors without a coat.

Agreed - which I assume is why the school had him borrow a coat from the lost and found rather than have him sit inside.

NaomiLyn15 · January 2012

Another reason why I hate the way that public schools are going. There are consequences to every action, and kids need to learn that. I wish that the school would have supported your discipline techniques. If he had broken a rule at school I am sure that he would have lost privelages to go outside during recess, so I hate that they won't honor your wishes. Things have changed so much since I was a kid. I can remember in elementary school when I was grounded at home, a note went with me to school and I didn't get to do recess. They kept me in to work on school work. Its terrible that parents don't have any control any longer. But, I do applaud you for trying to set boundaries and teach him consequences.

cmgehrke · January 2012

yess it depends on how old your child is...but also, when your child is eating lunch or out to recess his teacher is eating planning, and copying...who is supposed to supervise your child?

albinogorilla · January 2012

bring the coat.

the school can't send him out in the cold with no coat, so if he gets frostbite you can come back and sue them

there are other social repercussions to making him sit inside while his friends leave and go out to play that come into play

yes, it feels like tough love, but don't expect the school to teach your kid a lesson for you.

singingchick1515 · January 2012

I'm a teacher and I agree with you! but I also know that schools are always trying to cover their butts for everything that happens, so that's probably why they wanted you to bring the coat.

MelanieAG05 · January 2012

I have a 5 year old son who has just started school in August last year............only to discover he is a total scatter brain! Fortunately is showing signs of being quite clever/intelligent however he forgets/loses everything. We have been through numerous hats/gloves/scarves/water bottles/homework diaries etc etc

Or maybe that is just boys!

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it - parenting is tough enough!

cygnetpro · January 2012

I'm a school psychologist AND a mom. I completely believe in natural consequences. He will survive the day, miss playing with his friends, and my guess is that he will NOT forget his coat tomorrow! :-)

My kids have to get theri agendas signed every day. They were told (with parents present) in Sept that it is THEIR responsibility to get the parents to sign it. The first couple of weeks I reminded them, but also warned that my reminders would stop (my kiddos are elem age). Well, each of them have forgotten once or twice early on ,and missed a recess because of it. With both of them, it only took a time or two, and now they NEVER forget to ask me. My daughter even got out of bed to get her agenda for me to sign the other night, when it occurred to her. If I had kept reminding them every day, they would never have taken that very reasonable responsibility onto themselves.

mo_is_here · January 2012

I 100% totally agree with what you are saying and I would have done the same thing. But I also undersatnd the school's point of view as well. But I dont see why they couldn't let him stay inside and do homeowrk or some other activity, unless there was noone to keep an eye on him?

I am a tough love kind of parent and make my kids 'live and learn' but noting to the extreme. Kids need to know that all of their actions have consequences.

cessnaholly · January 2012

I think you did the right thing.

Kid forgets something, kid gets consequences. It is too bad really that the school doesn't follow through with what you asked - a seemingly reasonable request. Maybe they didn't have enough staff to leave him inside? Of course, he could sit in the main office or something. Who knows what their issue is - but I'd want to know what it was. It was awesome that they called you first. Too bad they didn't support you.

So now kid learns it is ok to leave coat at home - school will just give him another one and he still gets to go out and play.

candykay89 · January 2012

You are awesome. I would have done the same thing you did. Your job is to be a parent to your kids, and you did just that! I believe that schools sometime put their noses where it does not belong. I once had a teacher tell me my son was late to class and when I asked the guy what made him late, she started to tell me that the elevators are slow and the escalators are alway full from all the kids trying to get along. Okay, don't complain then since you have all the answers.

MaximalLife · January 2012

my son forgot his coat this morning.

it is cold here. c o l d. see-the-frost-when-you-breathe cold. son wanted to wear a short-sleeve shirt and i made him put a long-sleeve. he was really upset and it threw the rhythm of our whole morning off so i didn't notice that he wasn't wearing a coat until he climbed out of the car at the school. i was mad, but it was too late to do anything about it (it's a 20 minute drive each way).

the school called and asked me to bring him a coat. i said 'no!'

i told them to have him miss recess and do his homework during recess time, or have him attend recess without a coat and be cold to learn why he needs a coat. the school is appalled. they said they would not do either and would give him a coat from the lost and found to borrow, but to please make sure he had his own coat tomorrow.

as a parent, it is hard to teach your child responsibility. i don't want to be callous, but i also don't want to enable bad decisions. so what do you think? is this a teaching moment or is the school right in being compassionate?

would you bring the coat?

**if you disagree, please do so nicely. i am not a bad person or a bad mom just because you would do things differently.

You are 100% correct - we have become a nation of wussues devoid of personal responsibility.

And schools are CLUELESS!
Their standards and results keep slipping further and further, yet teachers snivel for more money while excluding potential qualified people with various union rules geared to foster an environment of entitlement. Further, parents are just as bad in that they demand that schools enable their kids to the nth degree for bad behavior instead of teaching personal responsibility. Some of the response is a result of this damned if you do, damned if you don't attitude. And then these same crybabies claim to be the big experts on kids - :laugh:

No, children need to feel the consequences for their actions, and skipping recess is not cruel or unusual.
It will make him a responsible child who grows into a can-do adult taking ownership of his life.
STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS AS A PARENT!

We should have more moms like you!

CRMrunner · January 2012

First--I'm from a family where Dad was very tough and Mom was very nurturing.

I tend to be more on the tough side with my words, but would take the coat if the child is young and if it's really cold.

Second--I work in a school and am currently in my twelfth year of teaching.

Schools have been blasted by parents for taking the stand like you have. I don't know where we should draw the line between discipline and compassion, but please try to understand that parents with opposing views have created the school's response.

luckygirl007 · January 2012

i have a 15 year old and it is difficult when Mom decides on reasonable and child decides on "what looks cool". Maybe after he has to wear the lost and found coat he will discover his coat is not so bad after all! Way to go for sticking to your best instincts Mom!

Elzecat · January 2012

I thought this was interesting and also thought your actions (and suggestion to have him miss recess and stay in) were right on--depending on his age (I did not see you mention it?). I do not have children but my friends who do would probably have done the same thing as you.

As a former teacher, if one of my students forgot a coat, I would get one from lost and found or from the "stash" of extra clothes I kept in the classroom. I had a different situation though--I taught preschool special education and my students were 3-5 years old, so I felt like it was the parent's responsibility to properly clothe the child for the school day. Due to licensing regulations, I also did not have the resources to have someone stay in with a child (I was not allowed to leave them in the office unattended by myself or one of my teaching assistants) while the rest of us went outside.

I think the school should have honored your request to have him miss recess and stay in, but not to make him go outside for recess if he had no coat. The school is liable for students on school grounds and (even though this is unlikely) if he became sick, they are responsible. Whole can of worms there

At least that's how it was when I was teaching...

GuruOnAMountain · January 2012

I can see both points of view but as someone else has said it is fine for you, as a parent, to say that you want your child to go out in the freezing cold without a coat so that he'll learn a lesson but when you're in charge of someone else's child, then it isn't that straight forward.

I do a lot of voluntary youth work and child protection rules, certainly here in the UK, both inside and outside the class room are strict and strictly enforced. Here, a teacher who sends a child out in the cold without a coat, regardless of what the mother said, would be very likely to get their knuckles rapped themselves.

slimyfishy · January 2012

As a mom of a 15yo EXTREMELY STUBBORN son, I totally agree with you. Parenting is HARD. No doubt about that. There are times when you have to really stick to your guns in order to teach a lesson. From what I read, you did exactly what I would've done. We only have our children at home for a handful of years. In that time, we have to teach them the rules of life, right vs. wrong, and how to use proper judgement. This may be a hard lesson for your child to learn, but it will be one that he remembers later on. "Mom means business. She can't always come to my rescue, so I need to take care of myself too."

Being a good parent isn't easy. As I've told my son on several occasions: "I'm on this planet to be your parent right now. We can be friends when you are an adult. For now, I am here to teach you to be a good man. You might hate me for it, but that is my job. I do all of these things because I love you. You mean the world to me, but I have to teach you what is right and wrong before you get out into this world. You might not understand why I do/say things now, but you will thank me for it later."

Bravo Mom, bravo.

cbmcphillips · January 2012

:flowerforyou: :grumble: My son is 17 and knows when he needs a coat - so no worries there.
If your son is 8 or under - bring him the coat.
At 8 or above let him learn his lesson - and the school should have backed your decision. I would worry more about the germs from the lost and found coat - but then again, that's just me....He could get lice or other yucky things from sharing other peoples clothing.
I would have insisted that the school make him stay inside if they were so concerned.....
You were right, they were wrong wrong - did I say wrong...lol.... as moms we need to sick together...:flowerforyou: :grumble:

tiffanylacourse · January 2012

I'm sorry to be the first to outright disagree here, but I'd like to give you my honest opinion.

Firstly, there is no way my kids get out the door without their coat on. As a mother, I feel that is just as much MY responsibility as theirs. If the temperature is under 55 - 60 degrees, they are wearing some kind of jacket or coat. When you let him go without his coat, you risk getting him sick, which in turn risks getting you, your spouse, and any other children you may have sick as well.

Secondly, how old is your son? I have three - who are 9, 6, and 3 - and I would NEVER let them out the door without their coat on. I feel this is just as much my responsibility as it is theirs. Their coat hangs on a double hook with their bookbag, right over their shoes, so that its all together and ready to go each day. Sure my 9 year old will say "Mom, I don't need a coat today", but I just say "You're wearing one, end of story."

Maybe I misunderstood what you said, which is possible. I just don't understand how you could walk to your car with your child, get them in the car, and not notice their coat missing. Or maybe I'm just a silly overprotective mother. Either way, I just wanted to be honest with you. I mean no offense, so if I've offended you, or anyone else, I'm sorry in advance.

dfborders · January 2012

I can totally agree with you and see your point. However, unfortunately, there seem to be a lot more parents out there that would expect the school to take care of and coddle their child instead of teaching their child a lesson. And if the school sent the child outside without a coat on the parent would probably sue the school! If the school made the child miss recess and do homework - the parent would probably call it abuse and sue the school.

Also, as another poster pointed out - who is going to watch your child when he is not at recess? In these tough economic times schools are really in a bind as to where every dollar will go - they might not have someone available to watch kids that aren't allowed out at recess - or the kids in trouble at recess may sit outside in a designated area instead of inside where it is warm.

Good luck - my boy is very headstrong so I know how frustrating it can be!!

parent versus school

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