married - joining finances/seperate - HELP!

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  • michelledale370
    michelledale370 Posts: 3
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    me and my husband have been together 11 years married for 2, we have had a joint bank account (this is our only account) for 5 years (since we lived together) all of our wages are paid into it and all of our bills are joint, he had previous debt but we paid it off together, I earn more but he works just as hard so everything is shared 50/50. We love and trust each other not sharing money was never considered .
  • april522
    april522 Posts: 388 Member
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    My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 1/2 years, and we've had a joint checking account ever since before we even moved in together 6 1/2 years ago. However, we started a small online business together that has grown to where it is both of our full-time jobs now, so the money we make is technically 'ours' anyway. I couldn't imagine trying to keep separate checking accounts now. He and i both have separate savings accounts from before getting the joint one, but we rarely use them.

    I do agree with a lot of people who say if A is being stingy while B struggles, there are going to be some major relationship issues down the road. Also, before A & B got married, A knew what he/she was getting into as far as B's lower income. If that was an issue, the event of marriage shouldn't have happened in the first place. Marriage is about complete commitment (well, it use to be in the 'old days,' but not so much anymore). A & B really need to have a long talk and figure this out....
  • BlueObsidian
    BlueObsidian Posts: 297 Member
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    Ask 100 different people the best way to handle money in a relationship, and you are going to get that many different answers. The only right one is the one that works in your relationship. In my relationship, before we got a place together there were many conversations about the best way to handle things that both of us would be comfortable with. It was really important to us to minimize stress later on. We ended up deciding to put part of our incomes into a joint account for bills and keep the rest separate, but that was because of the way our relationship works. Not everyone is going to feel the same or have that be the best way to work things out.

    Sit down and talk about the situation. Take some of the suggestions you've read here or things you've thought about and throw them out as possibilities. The only way a money arrangement is going to work is if it is something you both agree to and can both live with.
  • Buddhasmiracle
    Buddhasmiracle Posts: 925 Member
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    I think that is pretty dysfunctional in my honest opinion. Having separate finances is fine, but it's a partnership now, not an "I do this, and you only do that" sort of thing. I mean, A & B need to sit down and have a serious discussion about this marriage... that just sounds, incredibly awkward to me.. the whole situation.

    This. I think the financial issue is symtomatic of a deeper issue in the relationship. It's not really about the money . ..
  • feliciapeters
    feliciapeters Posts: 525
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    been married 23 years
    we keep everything seperate
    the only thing we own jointly is the house
    i pay certain bill plus my own credit cards (him the mortagage electric car ins etc, me cell phone, cable, all the kids clothes, groceries etc)
    he pays certain things & his own credit cards
    if i have the money & i want to buy a $400 dollar pair of shoes, i do it, he can do the same
    we dont even have a joint savings, we each have our own
    we both work and as long as the bills we are rsponsible for are paid our $ is ours to do whatever we want with
  • YouAreTheShit
    YouAreTheShit Posts: 510 Member
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    Once married I think finances should be joined, but separate accounts maintained for saving, investments, and (important) separate accounts for each individual's own spending/play money.

    If a couple were to decide NOT to join accounts, then the only way it can work is that if each is paying a percentage of their income into a common house account where the bills get paid from.

    Person A could still complain that they're paying more, but that would mean that they're a jerk and Person B should leave them because Person A is a substandard human being.
  • occupyme
    occupyme Posts: 30 Member
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    Oh, my! There are a million responses to this question, and I don't have time to read them all to see if someone has already suggested these books: Financial Peace Revisited or Total Money Makeover, both best sellers by Dave Ramsey.

    If I were you, I would get my hands on one book or the other and read it today. These ideas changed my financial life.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    I think that is pretty dysfunctional in my honest opinion. Having separate finances is fine, but it's a partnership now, not an "I do this, and you only do that" sort of thing. I mean, A & B need to sit down and have a serious discussion about this marriage... that just sounds, incredibly awkward to me.. the whole situation.

    This. I think the financial issue is symtomatic of a deeper issue in the relationship. It's not really about the money . ..
    It's always about the money.
    If it was not about the money, the topic would not even come up.
    Those with money are always having to defend their finances from others with less who think they're entitled.
    That's reality.
  • JustLindaLou
    JustLindaLou Posts: 376 Member
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    I have been married twice, and both times we had "his/hers/ours" accounts. The joint account was for all the joint expenses: mortgage/rent, groceries, utilities, childcare, etc. We each contributed equally but in proportion to our pay. Once all bills, savings, etc was taken care of, whatever money we each had left was ours to spend on whatever we wanted without the other one questioning it. ( "Do really need another pair of black shoes?" "These aren't black, they are ebony.") I can't say it was always 100% successful and prevented snarky little comments about "my money", but for the most part it was fine. I also think BOTH people should be know what the bills are, not one person handling all the bills and continually having to tell the other person NO when they want to buy something that is not in the budget. I didn't expect hubs #2 to sit down with me every week when it was time to pay bills, but sheesh at least 2x a year to be aware of what was what woulda been nice.... (but obviously there were other issues or ex- would not be his first name LOL!!)
  • yager8725
    yager8725 Posts: 267 Member
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    Personal opinion here and I will catch all kinds of flack for it I am sure however...here goes. If you love someone enough to marry them, why keep everything separate? I am 39 years old, been married over 20 years and not one day of our marriage has anything been separate.
    You want something to last, don't go into keeping things separate and having an easy way out of things.

    Im at 16 years and feel the EXACT same way. Im so happy that so many people have the same thinking on this in this Thread!
  • khethil
    khethil Posts: 7 Member
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    In my opinion...

    1. There's no Right or Wrong way to work finances between couples. Like most matters of a purely private matter, what works for them depends on their personalities, situation, personal and "as a couple"-goals, etc. So there's no single answer that can come from someone else.

    2. It strikes me as spiteful and vicious for one person to throw their financial 'superiority' in the other's face. Heck, this isn't nice to do to a perfect stranger, let alone someone with whom you've bonded - its hitting below the belt. It kinda sounds like someone has resentment issues.

    3. I've seen couples successfully work their finances a thousand different ways; and quite frankly, I wonder how many of them do it. To my mindset (my own personal preferences), once a couple has romantically and practically bonded (moved in, committed to the long haul, etc.) all financial matters are combined. That financial aspect becomes "Us" - of course this can only work if neither party ends up feeling "cheated".
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    I need advice people!!

    If you are married/living with a partner and have different paygrades; lets say for example A) makes 100,000 and B) makes 30,000

    Before they got married they kept finances seperate. But now that they are married their finances are still seperate. Except A)pays most of the bills and B) pays for the childcare, groceries and home exspenses + cooks & cleans. A & B still have their own seperate bills from before they were married too!!

    It is causing problems because A) always puts it in B)'s face that A) pays most of the bills! When & where do you draw the line? Is this not healthy or fair? Should their finances be combined!? I need help....

    Thanks!
    Sounds like a problem only for B who wants to sink her hands in A's wallet.
    If it's all about love and not money, B just needs to keep her fangs out of A's money.

    When people start making issues of money, love goes out the window.
    But if it's such an issue that B just can't go on, divorce A, and marry another B-type broke person.
    You can share misery equally.

    Wow! Thanks alot! But then again I figure there would be a percentage of people who thought like you!

    This guy is a jerk. It's a good thing it's a small percentage that think like that.
    Obviously you are contributing more to the household than just financially. My husband and I keep things separate. He makes more money than I do and pays most of the bills but has never throw it in my face. We're partners in life and are there to help and support each other in any way that we are able. I wish you luck in resolving this issue. Money is always such a touchy subject.

    I really agree ^ Thank you!
    truth is not all unicorns and rainbows.....
    Sorry if I am coming across harsh.
    You and I are actually in the same boat.

    My wife is richer...lol
    Good luck with it; to each their own.
  • jadesign19
    jadesign19 Posts: 512 Member
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    I'm a firm believer in combining however keep a set amount seperate each month. My husband and I have a joint chequing and saving's account but each month we have an alloted amount for each of us (Cash!!) this way though everything is combined you still have some independence and freedom with some of your own money. ie lunches or dinners out, shopping or gifts around holidays etc...
    Perfect system!!1
    I wish I would have started this when my husband and I got married 14 years ago. It would have saved alot of resentment.
    Remember this should be applied to stay at home Moms too. I'm working now but for 12 years home with the kids we had extreme arguments over money.
    Good luck to you!!!
  • amymarie8709
    amymarie8709 Posts: 329 Member
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    I need advice people!!

    If you are married/living with a partner and have different paygrades; lets say for example A) makes 100,000 and B) makes 30,000

    Before they got married they kept finances seperate. But now that they are married their finances are still seperate. Except A)pays most of the bills and B) pays for the childcare, groceries and home exspenses + cooks & cleans. A & B still have their own seperate bills from before they were married too!!

    It is causing problems because A) always puts it in B)'s face that A) pays most of the bills! When & where do you draw the line? Is this not healthy or fair? Should their finances be combined!? I need help....

    Thanks!

    We joined ours together as soon as we got married. It's good to have a second checking account for "unforeseen" expenses, but other than that everything should be together. And "A" should not be throwing the amount of money they make in anyone's face!! Personally, that shows disrespect on their part. What's theirs is yours' and vise versa.
    Just my opinion though.
  • sandijones5783
    sandijones5783 Posts: 57 Member
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    They should be one! When i got married i didnt work so he made all the money and i spent it and paid all the bills! I'm now working part time after 7yrs of not working and my money just goes into our 1 account and goes towards everything and i still pay bills and spend most the money lol
  • rosalang
    rosalang Posts: 49 Member
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    i think what you are saying is you would like your own money to spend and not feel that you have to tell your partner every single amount spent
    why not put all money into a joint account to pay bills and childcare etc
    then make an allowance for both you and your partner and some for the children when they are older
    if you both sit down and work this out there may be a few initial arguements but it can be sorted
    everyone out there in a partnership must have the same problems
    be brave and confront it, you may find you both have the same worries
    good luck
  • melissamason941
    melissamason941 Posts: 17
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    wow. my bf & I (40&50 y/o) just moved in together after 4 yrs & just got engaged too. He is not making much money now although he is used to make 250k a yr while I have never made more than 30K a yr. we don't have any kids together, & I basically "work" for him @ a company he owns. we never fight about who pays what...it is all OUR money & that is the way it should be. Unless one person is irresponsible then I don't know why it should ever be an issue. sounds like your bf may be a little immature & hostile. I do have a separate account from my bf & he never bats an eye when I buy ridiculous crap (although I'm sure he doesn't see any need to buy what I do, but who is he to say anything? I'd never make him feel bad for spending money). Sounds like your man needs to think about himself & what he's doing to your relationship/family. you should always support one another & NEVER denigrate each other to the children. They always need to see a united front no matter what you may talk about privately.Good luck
  • noemike
    noemike Posts: 61
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    There should never be A or B when you get married there should just be 1. There should be trust that both of you love and trust each other enough to have 1 account and now your married you should never try to make the other person ever feel bad about anything weight, money etc... You loved them enough to say I do right??
  • Kirkajuice
    Kirkajuice Posts: 311 Member
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    I pay X% towards expenses, partner also pays X% towards expenses.

    Nobody should be holding it over someone that they pay more money while also making several times the amount of the other person. They would be trying to belittle you or using it to get their own way.

    That would be bullying.

    Edit: Also, I believe finances should be separate, I have no business telling my partner what he does with the rest of his money, he has no business telling me what to do with mine. I wouldn't give up control of my finances to anybody else, doesn't matter who they are.
  • lonestarlada
    lonestarlada Posts: 15 Member
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    Just my opinion, but once tallies and comparisons start being made in one arena, it can easily spread to others. Who does the laundry more often? Do the kids "belong" more to one spouse, than another according to who contributes NON-FINANCIALLY the most, (and yes, this is a question that can come up in a divorce!), who puts in more time with family, and so on and so forth. Here's what I would do (and did):

    1) Personally, I'd recommend getting one joint chequing account, and ditch everything else. I would also ensure that the title to the house is joint, and that all investments are also jointly held.

    2) Next, I'd give the other spouse some readings of "Capitalist Patriarchy and the Case for Socialist Feminism" which is a collection of essays assembled by Zillah R. Eisenstein, from 1978. The thrust of the articles (to me, anyway) seem to be about the lack of ecomonic value placed on the work that is traditionally done by marginalized groups, such as women. If the work women did that is traditionally non-paid, actually was paid according to the economic worth it represents, it would bring women to a position of equality.

    3) Since you are essentially having a dispute over labour, who's is worth more, who's entitled to more, I'd go on strike until there has been a renegotiation of the terms of agreement. Wash only yours and the kid's clothes/dishes, etc.. Make dinner for only you and the kids. See how that flies, when we nickle and dime every action and every dollar. In my opinion, only classless people do this. Then get couples counselling.

    4) Lastly, I'd remind my partner that the best marriages work when each party to the marriage puts the other person first.

    5) p.s. I'd also work hard at not resorting to emotional eating. This situation would drive me to eat, not drink.

    Of course, probably all my suggestions would only aggravate the situation. So you're probably best to ignore me.
    Blessings and best wishes as you work this all out.

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