Dr. Phil - Open Marriage

The whole "why be married thing"...yea. That one irks me I am afraid. I am in the US. I had been with my husband for 6 years before we got married. We had 2 children at that point.

Why get married? Well first, we loved each other and care deeply about the other. Secondly marriage is a legal contract. It says that if something happens to him I make choices and if something happens to me he makes choices. It also says if something happens to either of us that the kids go to the other. It makes each of us tied to each other legally.

Marriage also means that we get to share things like health insurance. I had been with him for 6 years but couldn't get his dental insurance because we didn't have a piece of paper saying we were legally bound to each other. There is no "common law" marriage here, it doesn't apply.

I could be wrong, since it was nearly 4 years ago that I got married, but I don't remember anything in my vows about not having relations with other people (in either his or mine). I believe we promised to love, honor, and obey each other. That means VERY different things to different couples.

None of this is saying I am in an open marriage, as I am not, but it is to say that "marriage" is not religiously tied, in anyway, unless that is what the couple believes.

Didn't your vows include the "forsaking all others" part? That's the part that says you cannot be with anyone else. I'm just asking because this is usually included in standard vows unless you alter it or write your own. I've never heard of anyone using "the standard vows" and it not already including this part since, in the eyes of God, forsaking all others and fidelity is a very big part of a marriage vow.

Nope...wasn't in there. We were married by a JoP in our living room. She used the standard vows. No god in our marriage..of the Bible or otherwise so what happens in "god's eyes" doesn't matter.

I need to stop reading posts like this one. It always makes me deeply sad that so many people are "ok with" or think it's "fine if it works for them". There seems to be no higher standard for anyone as long as people are "happy". There's more to life than being happy, and in my opinion, it cheapens the human experience to spend all of life only seeking after happiness.

What "more?" What "more" is there to life than being happy? Is there some higher good to being miserable?

I would never want an open marriage. I'm truly blessed in my own marriage in that my spouse and I are able to fulfill each other's emotional and physical needs and wants. It takes work, but it's worth it.

Having said that, if they are all in agreement it isn't my place to judge. The same Bible that discusses the wedding vows also clearly states that major Biblical figures such as Moses and Noah had mistresses and/or multiple wives, so even if you're a devout Christian, there's a lot of ambiguity there.

It is no more my business what they do in their bedroom (or bedrooms, as it were), than it is theirs what I do in mine. I don't care and I don't want to know about it.

I don't even have a problem with the porn. My spouse and I have watched a few together. I don't think one spouse go surfing for porn over the other's objections, but, again, if both partners agree, so what?

The one thing I would have to question about this whole arrangement - well, okay, the three things - are, number one, the fact that they don't want their child to know about the arrangement. I agree that a child doesn't need to know about their parents' sex lives. But the fact that they are hiding the relationship itself would seem to indicate some shame. Thing is, the kid is going to find out at some point, and then what? I mean, they just went on national TV, for Pete's sake. After lying to the child through omission for however long, how do they expect to be able to make it right? Number two - an eleven year old should not be watching porn. Period. And most especially with their parents. I've had all the discussions with my kid about sex ed. We communicate openly about sex, whether she should or not, possible repercussions, how the act itself works, etc. Not easy talks, but for the best for her. But there is no way on God's green earth that I would ever, ever watch sex with her. Of course she knows her parents had, and continue to have, sex. But we don't talk about the details. And, finally, third - no condoms? Big, big mistake.

If it is just adults involved and all agree - knock yourself out. I couldn't care less. I have no right and no inclination to judge. But when you have a kid and you're doing something you have to hide from them, you're making bad decisions.

Please stop with all the biblical stuff.

You all that take the bible so serious..............Why? It is nothing but a book of stories that is from a historical time. It is MAN MADE and MAN WRITTEN.

The bible pretty much doesn't mean anything to me and I have been happily married for 14 years now. I am spiritual in other ways, but I am definitely NOT religious.

I agree with you. Pardon me. I wasn't trying to be Biblical. I'm right there with you on the Bible being written by fallible humans. I'm not religious, either. I was trying to make the point that, even if you're using the Bible as your guide, as a few individuals implied, even it contradicts itself and leaves things unclear.

Having said that, though - no matter how you or I feel, the Bible means a lot to some people, and they are entitled to hold onto that. They shouldn't shove it down our throats, but we shouldn't take it personally when they bring it into a discussion, either. Some people need/want religion. The structure and ceremony give them comfort. No harm in it. Fanaticism is the problem, not belief. I myself love God and Jesus. I just don't believe in organized religion. Don't have a problem with those who do.

People with open marriages should have their licenses revoked. :flup:

This thread disgusts me to my very core. Why even get married than? Wives--- you honestly can say you have no issue with your husband staying out all night with another woman? NO. NO NONO!!! Come on... have some self respect for YOURSELF and for your relationship!!!!!

Close-minded, ignorant people disgust me.

That is so *kitten*.

I don't want to judge others on how they live their life, it's up to them and God be thier judge. God knows I'm not perfect. But to those of you that are on here relating to the Bible you need to get it out once in awhile and read it before you try to make sense of it. First off, many people did have mulitple partners...in the Old Testament. God did away with the old law, therefore he brought forth the New Law and The Commandments, one of them being" Thou shalt not commit adultry". Hello! I belive adultry to be sleeping with someone other than the one you married. Oh, and then there's Fornication- sleeping with someone else before you are married. Nobody has to abide by them anymore, we just have to "believe" in him and we'll all go to Heaven, doesn't matter what we do between now and then. He made up the laws just for fun.

Who knows, I could be wrong and God doesn't care about who I sleep with or what I do as long as I'm happy right?

Sorry if I offend anyone, I just think that ignorance IS NOT bliss and doing whatever you want to make yourself happy now will not pay off later. Scrafices have to be made and lusting after another is one of them. Many of you will hate my comment and will have something contrary or some sly remark, but I'm sorry if the truth hurts.

I know people that swing and it works for them, I love them and their families, but it doesn't mean I have to agree with them. Their lifestyle is what they choose, and mine is what I make of it. Just please don't use the Bible out of context to justify what you want to do.

ill be honest, i dont have time to sit and read through all the pages here - but i see no issues with an open marriage. id consider mine semi-open i guess... but there are rules that are always followed.
what ill never understand is why people think others sex lives are anyones business. do you have nothing better to do than worry about what steve and jane do with bob and nancy on the weekend?

This thread disgusts me to my very core. Why even get married than? Wives--- you honestly can say you have no issue with your husband staying out all night with another woman? NO. NO NONO!!! Come on... have some self respect for YOURSELF and for your relationship!!!!!

Close-minded, ignorant people disgust me.

What gives people the right to call someone close-minded & ignorant just because they don't agree with their opinions/views? That in itself is ignorant.

An open marriage means the two involved really aren't committed to each other.

Same wavelength.

Binary thinking. Why can't I be deeply committed to more than one person? That's like saying I can only love one of my kids.

That's completely different.

Why?

Love between you & your spouse is different to the love you share with your children, do you really need me to spell out why, to you?

Yes, because you are saying that "love is finite".

I can be in love with multiple adults. I can love multiple children as their parent. I can love people I just met who have sparkly happy souls and love them for the rest of my life even if I never see them again. I can love X deeply and truly, and love Y deeply and truly, and marry Y because we are more compatible on practical levels. I can live with X and Y and Z and our eight kids and be really damned BUSY! Didn't we figure this out back in the 60's? Love multiplies, there is always enough to go around.

Love is a giving thing, it is big and deep and wide, and I am very good at it.

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sPHnkGdOI8hQoBGAAcAequnQ04mN0r6en/6PzKqYAAyMbkbjfuHIfdSy9l1E5Oe1kcx9UD7++oz32+c7eG3owfy/OtfW6s12OlpFopLkdk5zrXZgT2huOfqNN+icrx8QgmXUYo3Vn8NDKVkPiWGsnbwxSWJgs4ZidGDlR3kKSgBJwMthc+B76dcG4m8GBcEPE+6yYwYy383938x6RyklZJ+M3HEOIa5Bi2QSBIQN+qDIGL/zOchvDs4FRfhF+CaNLf45Yg6tpGRThWjKliyLzU9+B6dqlR8aS2mjfBbBIKjGTkb8/wC6TUziXwgL/D7yNWOoCQ2+s/KFJGCAY5djWRgZ20+mrZTWk26+nM+g/A24jdpbSSuYzqmdS2CWCdxPNj4jfANdg4X0YtbdgLTAltz2lB7T6QvWnVzPzwp9VcL4VxA286TR7PG6yr6CndtzGxB8Qa7nwGAdfF1Z0qWu5SVz1hgkSNoyXB5FWXB7iD3ioy6NLSraLTaeYjMf9/py/icjC8uCQFxLI2j6oJct2T/KVOccu0K1vM2oEYx8488+nT6xz9Qqf0xsGi4ldK7HaRXGVVfnqr7Y2OAcZGM45DlSsrkKy+PPPrGfxo57dmMd3nnuPA7j11mQp+b3c/DYZODSsynUR6v0r17nRj7/AL+yf9/dWV9Otu2c1ie07rAKyEoqE8md/u/3/vurAMa8y9dtphy2zWcGBuBXhu6WsTWJfFURukv6WvmKM/41x+1a1WKsfSQ/IQ/bXH7drVcr2afGP6dcdCiiirpFFFFAz6M/Tbb7eH91a6HwybEEf+Rf0Fc86M/Tbb7eH91a6TwixzBEc80Q/wDSKw1+oa6XaPJMSayU7VOPDD41r/hjZ51yOhBO1YBz3VMk4W9ZLw5gOVEoLSsPGtsVwe+pQgbvWo0sDZ+aaIYXMjaTpznG344qJfOkIVBzA/PbJOPXTBroRrqcEAbj0kcvz3+6qlNf65s/OdsgDuGSOf8Avurq0vi5tTtvuDnOP999YWk+fyrVNLuai2T9r0An9a2ZmSJqOO7G/wBxP+/uptw24E8DKSNjj7uWB34yKRzz6Fz3nUBv6Kw4Hd9TINwAcnfcZO2/o5E+qiZMpZJ10JuFXfIXd1UadwdsnK/rWi9fUGJXSQsiDOc7oGBPcACFHrari+kkY0kFQ3PPzt15dxAb8K94Jw9ZHuEXGrqkgU5JbVM0iYJx/kGfVTDTSnFocwiBxvz+bzGea/nXd/gakzZSybtIFEQ5kaIBhUUffzHjjurgvWkd2D4Y3ztv+Rrt3wFXRNrKowSssoCk6R2o4WGTvjfXUwbsRgk+FMH+JuRjLxptnOMBlUn1qgbH97HpqnxhsED6oyRjGTqbIx6hVx+FW30X0K94tLff+Yo0qEn8Mb1TpR2tj4H8QfxqJJx9MTJ8ow8Av6ZqPxGTtqPHf7gP9j763Rpkhwc5GD9236VCnkHXjIyAn6k/0FGRjwptbFT38vuFM24fSu0l3DAYxg/h/wCKsAbO9cnqNOJmJWrp1v2XNw8+Nan4efGmk3orRyFc3jhb29FX6TpiCIH/ANa4/btardWjpd/wo/trj9q1qr16lPjDOYxwKKKKsCiiigZ9Gfptt9vD+6tdQ4RB/Zojn/7af9orl/Rn6bbfbw/urXTOGSn4tEP8NP8AtFc/qOob6Pab1ZxzrKOI+NeRSbb1tiuAK4nQGyBWIdsVncXArWkoIoYeoWNSM7bgUQyqBXs0gxU5MKd0+4gFEaDHIsfxwP0qrcKi2aQ88FR94wfyz+Nb+mV31l4yjkuE/Ab/AJ5rZImFVB9Udr/Mdz+Gw+6u+kYrDit8paGaotg3aYf3sVvnOBULhvzmPp/rWiqXdHtDwyT/ANNeyjs5223xzzju++huYPif9MVIjTu9HhQNYuIYGuBmbVoc6kC9qNdAQAE9nTse/apnRbiDJewMXCq8sJmz9ZBMkmNv7yfqKrvDrgI5jb5r7r6+8ffU7h0nVSpIpwVZMMRnGnfOF8MmjSnZT0ksuqu7mP8A9OeZPThZCB+RFdJ+Ae6VZbiJiO31bque0dSShgBzO2nlVN+Edv8A6pcnca+qlwdj8pDCxz6c5pj8D3Eo4+JB5ThRDISTqONIHa259kN91Olq1zOFo+F1f7TCc7CJo992ykp3J7/nj86pbLuCMHtYx9+T/wB1WT4TL4SXmUIMZy6MPrLIsb58c7kfdjuqrCU/mD+IP9KhW3E4lEtZOzgfzMOXpNQZnYT4A30j7tyak27HPrOfxY/1qLcnEzekLUszOxbtac57s+P+81Y7C2Zo1YDOQP6VVbE6SPDP6HAq+8IuNEEYxyX/AFJrDW+LXS7QfizZ3BrGSE+B/CnD3ue6tJvPEVy5h0cqF0wTEcY/xp/2rWqtVv6dvkIf8af9m0qoV6FeocduxRRRVkCiiskO+/KgY9Gfptt9vD+6tdG4ZfosMYZgGCKCCDkEAZBFU/jvRpIYoLmBneFlh65C4623leMShGcIBhlOUfT3MOa7s7y30w8RdZrvVaXMVtFm6yGEjzJqcBBkjqc7EfO9G9L0i8YlettqzjjEX8w/OtP8Qiz84fnVY4vJ8Tn+LSyXc0yBOvaO7KBHZQ7RxLpbVoBwWJ3IOABucCGa0upo5bxmiuYoIvl2AMUwnZXePTqyBCPrD5/o3y9vX9X80rYeIxfzj86xS/iH1x+dVe/mWCK1eWW9zPbPOyi70nrBPJAqgmPsriPUchjvj01j0lukg7CS3okaC1uUZrwOmZ4o5WRlEanYSHDZ+ry32j29f1Pmlbm4jF/OPzr3+Jxfzj86pkLvFZR3VxNcP18skUES3DRgrCF62V3OrYM6qFAGTkkjGC44XwYzXFkfjF38WvY52TFziWOSAP1kbNpKvhlGDpGQ42BFPb1/TzSriWxa6eRlOnWzjKtg5bbu3559QrfJk52bJOfmN/T0VH4rxVljQo17FIxLYluTIrx7qGQhEIIdWBznl6Kb8PmiktLmfrb4m2S1Lf20KJHmYJJgdSSihtWN22xXREMCO4ibGyOf+Rv6VH4fauM5Rx60b+lWC4XVYSXMEt4xF58WjDXBYdUY2lVnVVzqwADggd+O6mlvwgNdWcJmvQLiye9f+1dpXWKeQIvyfL5DG4J7Xo3kVx4jgYVtt/mt41nEpzurcv5W/pWnifFGWJWRr2Jy5A626MiOgG+nEaEEEjxG/orbd3Lrw6C4Wa562SeeBs3JKAQpC2QukHJ67Hzj8307RhOUfiFuxAKq2RuMK3POfCpEIbqxswbH8rDHq2rKwuWawmuHmui8U9vCAt0VQrMszEkFScjqcc/rejdjxG00X9ukdxdmznhiug7XWZOpKF5n1BdIMeiQEaT/AMM+NMGUPptM09zHMqly9tCJNKk6ZAhRlO2xGkbekVo6HhoruMupVO0rlg6roKEMNQG2QWHrIqakq/EVujJeb3jWuj47j5MRiUHV1Z7eGxnGNs47qk8T4RJBfrEbm4ltZOuMMqzsjN1WoMjEggOjppYY8CNiKTC1LzS0Wj6SelUcfXQ9S+tTboXxqYLKfnqTjY9kHHdqpFKzBdlbOkclbmPR95ra0rQWsM88ty7XPWNDEtyyBIY26vrJHwSxZwwCgDZCSdwKW8W4s4ZDDNdKpQFlllcssmSGUMAoYciDgc6YTe83tNp7lnbxsNIKvywew357VqurdjKSEbHZ30N4eqrIJrf4qbrrOIdWLwWmPjyaurMZk6z/AIONWB8386g8QR1sbO4jlu2adpxIOvYqBC6qNIC5Utq7ycY76YZo0Ckc1Yf8rePqq22fEE6tMtg6QCMEHbaolzwhUu72Hrr1ltbRLtQLvDuxFuSrHqyMf2juH1PTtEuOFst5w+I3F2qXohLxPORcQdbN1W7YwQR21JUZB5DnVb0i0Ylattp4L+P+YfnWTX8X8w/P+lVDjN2Y1mCm/Ro5OqR3u9cbEMQQQIkIJUEjBPL00Paz/wANF0LmcyCVesj618LBLrSGTn3yQyA+ho/Gsfb1/Wvmlj02YFIyORmnIOOY6q1GR94P4VUqtTxwNYw3Nz8Zmd55rY4ulAURJDJqUPC5367GM/V9O0HpP0fW36mSFzJb3MXXwsyhXA1FHjkAJGpHUgkHB2PfgdERiMMZnM5I6KKKlAooooLUnSOOGdcET28ltBa3UWGUOqRIjAahsysmtH7iFPiK33HH4Gg4mFkIa5u4riAFGyUiknftEDCkiZcD0HOKp1FBd+IcZt7q+jv+vFvIXiluImjlJEiadbQNGrBlbTkBipBYjlvWPEOlaPFxBo5pI5Lm+W7jHbV+qU3PZd12BxOu2SOyd+VUqigsXSXiiTw2QExkkigaGUsJM6muJZgdTDtALKB/y+FaumF9FNNG0T6wttawHssuGgt44W2YciUJHoPdSKigssfFYrjh8VrNJ1L20sskMjK7RtHPoMkb9WrMrBkDA6SDkg4wMu+DdL7eG5sE6xhb2KXOZerbVLLcB9bIg3C5ZAM4OEycE6Rz+iglcQv5JWHWSNLoHVqzMzdnUzYBbfGWJwfGnHBOJxJw++id9Mk4txGuliD1UvWNlgMDI2Hp5451E6N8NjnkZJW0AIZA2oKMRsry8+Z6kSkDvYKPQX110Ws+rBEzIWInBykumB8uquAVw6xYJwDljjC0EK048sXCmhjmZJzdi4wvWLmMRGPBcbZ1EHHLA552p7b9K7cXtlO1wx6mwe1lfRKX64xXEYZcjLDM6nOQeyfRlRadFoFa6SeRi1s3Vto0YyILhpcZbtaZolUHODkA41DHtz0NhiaAm4Eoe6FuyhSo0da6E9ZkqGCoCRk46wesgr4xOrQrqu3uZA+FBWTTGhGW7Um5JYLgDYYJ76mLNbycOgga4Eckc9xOwMUrDTMkCAAqOY6k+jtDettx0Tt1hM/xklA0XYEXygRxEx1FWZVbErYBO/VH04VXyWeiXqmlL9aOpDKoHU43LkHZsnlvy5+IMZru2SyuoIpSS9xbSx6o2BdYI5kdjzCFmm1BcnAGCa8i6Tp/DOoYEzxu8UL9wtrjDzLnHMPHgei4kqV5DQ5GLsPnkqIhkPJ9lMgBxFLC53GPlhzj38g6K2yuqPM0pkjlCGNUGJUt4rhQuX7asJdAzpJYYx4BGh4lCeFpbmTTKL03JBRyBGYli+cBucrnHh352qbZ9Loo7m6V8y20ss9xEQCGimZX6uVVPLIYI6948Sq0t/gURs0l14kJiB5aEWSa5jLSb6hjqU3Ax2htvmnJ6CwMyoJzGQpLFk1SMRIy7Rxu2Bpw/M9lScjOwLZOJw3dlbwyyCCe1Dxo7I7RSwu5kCsYwzI6szY7JBB5gjfR0z42lw1ssbtIILWG1LkMAzx6tTIG309oYyAduQqJxiCBYoDECHYPrGsvlVIRXJKjDM6y9kbBQnfklRQWIcSi/hBt9fy3xsXOnS2NAhMXzsY1ZOceHfnapN30hA4fZQQ3DpJE1wZgvWoB1zoyHI+dgKc+vbNVSig6Ld9Lbc3vEJ452X4xZpbwuElVxKBbZLEDKjNu2+T84enEFekFtNeWd9I5jnSaGS8TqmKyNC6sZ4iuRqdV7SnHayc4O1IooLXxe8imMuu+eRXl6yJCkxCanOXfWNtMZbZc5OO4VNsulMBuLiGQxrZywPah1t/ldCIvxViQAzMrxxMcn6reiqPRQWlZbZ+Hw273IR47m4nb5GVgUljgQadhv8iTg4+cN+dROlPHY5hbwwBhBaxdTGXwHcs7SSSuoJClnY9kE4AG5pDRQFFFFAUUUUBRRRQFFFFAUUUUBRRRQFZRyFSCpIIIIIOCCNwQRyNY0UGUkhYksSSSSSTkknckk8zWNFFAUUUUBRRRQe5ryiigKKKKAooooCiiigKKKKAooooCiiigKKKKAooooCiiigKKKKAooooCiiigKKKKAooooCiiigKKKKAooooCiiigKKKKAooooCiiigKKKKD/2Q==[/img]

Oh and for those of you that don't go by the Bible, then carry on.. nothing pertains to you. Be Happy!

This whole thread is disturbing...we are hear for help with weight loss, if you want to talk of topics like this go to a different site.

Chit Chat Fun and Games... no likey? Go to another section :flowerforyou:

An open marriage means the two involved really aren't committed to each other.

Same wavelength.

Binary thinking. Why can't I be deeply committed to more than one person? That's like saying I can only love one of my kids.

That's completely different.

Why?

Love between you & your spouse is different to the love you share with your children, do you really need me to spell out why, to you?

Yes, because you are saying that "love is finite".

I can be in love with multiple adults. I can love multiple children as their parent. I can love people I just met who have sparkly happy souls and love them for the rest of my life even if I never see them again. I can love X deeply and truly, and love Y deeply and truly, and marry Y because we are more compatible on practical levels.

.
Love is a giving thing, it is big and deep and wide, and I am very good at it.

If you love your wife/husband the same way you love a person you just met, then there's something wrong.
It's a different love altogether.

Nobody has to abide by them anymore, we just have to "believe" in him and we'll all go to Heaven, doesn't matter what we do between now and then. He made up the laws just for fun.

That's so wrong, you have to look back on your sin in disgust & repent & then if you're lucky you'll go to Heaven.

I know people that swing and it works for them, I love them and their families, but it doesn't mean I have to agree with them. Their lifestyle is what they choose, and mine is what I make of it. Just please don't use the Bible out of context to justify what you want to do.

I agree with this statement though.

I was just being sarcastic about the first quote. I do believe you have to repent in order to move on too