"Fighting" with my wife!
Replies
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I apologize, I did not read all the responses. So, someone may have already said something along the lines of this comment. This is the first thought that popped into my head after reading your post, and I didn't want to lose it.
You mentioned in your "old" life that you always did for others (that's me, totally guilty!). Giving and doing so much, in fact, that you neglected to take care of yourself (me-guilty again!).
So, maybe your wife is so accustomed to having that husband and is having some difficulty adjusting? Just a thought. From your perspective, you have given and done for others your entire life and deserve to do something for yourself now that your kids are grown. Perhaps from your wife's perspective, you are no longer the person who bends over backwards to make everyone happy because you are doing things for yourself. I would not say this is selfish at all. If this IS what is going on, you should probably just try to communicate your need for personal time.
You - feel like you deserve the time and have the right to add one more class because of all you've given in the past.
Your wife - may be wondering what in the world happened to her nurturing, caring, always-putting-others -first husband. She may even think she might be losing you???
If this is fairly new behavior on your part, something you never would have done before getting involved in fitness activities, consider how the change (new you) affects her idea of who you are as a person and husband. She could very well be viewing your new lifestyle as a negative thing because you have changed, not just in physical appearance.
Everyone deserves time to take care of themselves. But we all know how most people reject changes.....maybe a new approach (other than just signing up) or heart-to-heart discussion with your wife is in order. Sincerely hope you are able to work through this because your healthy lifestyle IS a positive thing.0 -
My husband sits on the couch and cusses at the government. I wish he would go do something! lol
LOL Mine too!0 -
When my ex-wife did this to me, it wasn't about working out less, or spending more time with her or the kids, it was all about CONTROL. Personally, I will never tell my wife she can or can't do something, nor could I ever forbid her to do something.
Look deep, my guess is there is something much larger at issue.
It could be a mixture of this or like someone else posted, the fact that he didn't include her in the decisions. The OP has to decide, if in fact, his wife, has that type of controlling nature about her. If that is the case, then nothing he does will suffice her wishes. If that's not the case, and she merely feels left out of t
Either way, some therapy, whether it be in front of another person, or just a heart to heart talk may be in order.
I wish them both luck because it's a nasty world out there, when you're with someone but feel so lonely anyway.
~katie0 -
I get both sides of this. I wanted support from my exhusband when I first started going to the gym and eating right. But I got nothing. Not even him watching the kids so I could go! But I also don't think a grown man needs to ask permission to do something he wants. You are in a marriage and it is all about respect. Even when it comes to the little things like a class.
You have proven yourself in your marriage and as a father. But something more than a workout class is probably the issue. I could be totally wrong but you never know. The class is only until May right? Maybe make a deal and do something that she wants to do after May. I'm not saying forget about working out all together. Does she have hobbies? Maybe find one together...and it doesn't have to be a fitness hobby.0 -
I agree with the people above that the main problem is probably that you 'told' her instead of asking. To me, Sunday nights have a particular significance. They are a time for family, and for resting and mentally preparing for the week ahead. Maybe if it was any other time she wouldn't have minded?
Could not have said it better.
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Sorry if this has already been said, I didn't read every reply.
I know you said that your wife doesn't want to get up and try things, but maybe in the future you could ask/invite her to a new class anyway? If you try to make her feel involved she might not be so defensive when you go to class. My dad used to have a similar problem as yours so he's started to always invite my mom to go bike or kayak with him (&even bought her a trike so that she wouldn't have trouble with her vertigo) & she always says no but now she's less passive agressive towards him about the time he spends doing those things now.
Does she have any hobbies or interests? Maybe she could take a class for a hobby? When my husband was spending a lot of time brewing his own beer, I was really bored & annoyed. Then I took a class to learn sewing & now we can both do our own thing without feeling ignored.0 -
When I read this it really hit home for me. Just a couple months ago my husband who's a former pro boxer, joined an mma gym at 10 at night after reciving a phone call from a friend who is a member there asking him to join to go into a fight coming up. I was pretty pissed about it. For one thing he shouldn't just jump on a decicion like that without talking to me. For two I know how he is when it comes to fighting, it was his life, I felt as though it would start consuming all his time. He works from 7 am to 4 pm ever weekday. The gym runs from 6 till 8-9 depending on the night...he wanted to go every other day. I'm a stay at home mom to my 3 yr old. I don't get to get out and when he comes home that's all I look forward to everyday. When he would leave we would have barely any time together and it really upset me but I know how much he loves the sport. I actually even made a post like this myself asking if I was being selfish...yes he to has givin up on a lot for me, all. for the better though, he dosent go drink, or go out with friends, he dosent leave me home to go do anything....he always puts me first. But I agree with so many tohers on here us women love you and need to have your attention and need to know your there. We get lonley and miss you when your gone. However he did quit the gym, (still wants to go) but dosent. Recently we have both found something we can go do a few times a week together, we are on a bowling leauge now and go on the weekends also...so try and find something you both will like and you'll have doing, it will make you both so much happier. Good luck! 0
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LMAO0
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Translation from her: DUDE you aren't spending time with me. I DON'T want to workout to spend time with you, I just want to spend time with you.
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Translation from her: DUDE you aren't spending time with me. I DON'T want to workout to spend time with you, I just want to spend time with you.
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
^^^^ Best post on this entire thread.0 -
Perhaps you should include her in on some of your workouts. Encourage her to have a healthy lifestyle as well. A family that plays together stays together. She doesn't have to do the same exact workouts as you do, but just including her into your gym time would probably mean alot to her.0
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this is exactly what i was going to say.
I think both you and the wife are probably being a little selfish, and if you sit down and try to work out a compromise, it would be a good idea.
i know if my husband did something like that id be upset too - not so much that he signed up, but that we didnt discuss it first. that would hurt me
To me this just sounds extremely controlling.
Just because someone is married doesn't mean they are exempt from carrying on their own lives. A spouse is not a child who needs to ask permission.0 -
I really feel for you and your wife, which is why I am a little concerned you are seeking some pretty serious marital advice in a forum. Please consider at least a few sessions of counseling or discussions with a neutral, qualified third party. (Not trying to preach.)0
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My boyfriend sometimes takes it like I'm trying to get away from him when I go to the gym on the weekend....
My situation is a bit different. I work from home, and my going to the gym is like social time for me. I go work out, get out of the house for a few hours, and I'm good. He doesn't fully get that - but that's because he's out of the house all day gone to work, and then when he's off he kind of wants to just hang out around the house - which I get, because when i worked outside of the home, I was like that too.... But now, when I'm off, I feel like I want to get out of the house - even if it is just to go to the gym, or to go to wal mart or something! LOL. Sounds weird to some I guess.... but your partner should be supportive of your healthy lifestyle. Relationships are about compromise. but they're also about supporting each other.
Good luck!! 0 -
I realize from reading this thread that my relationship is maybe not typical? If my husband signed up for something I would not expect him to have to check with me first. He's married but he's still his own person and shouldn't have to look to me for permission to do something. Same goes for me.
I would find it extremely disturbing if he FORBADE me from doing something I wanted to do.
And I would see that as extremely disrespectful of MY wishes. If he had a problem, we would be able to talk about it, but there is no "putting your foot down" in my relationship.
I totally agree with this. I am not married but I would never expect a partner to come and ask permission to do something or not. I am not nor do I want to be the gatekeeper. Marriage and partnerships are about equality0 -
Translation from her: DUDE you aren't spending time with me. I DON'T want to workout to spend time with you, I just want to spend time with you.
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
This about sums it up!!! Good luck!0 -
I just went looking through some of your posts...
"By the end of the summer I was out 30K + rides a couple of times per week. "
What's your next vacation destination? Wed 02/29/12 06:52 AM
"Back to the gym!!!"
" I like a nice little 10 min cardio before weights.... I also do about 10 - 15 min of yoga style stretching after my cardio but before weights. "
"One of my Martial Arts classes is in a Boxing gym."
"The gym I go to has lots of women"
"I have added running 1x week to my routine and I can hardly wait until the snow melts enough to get my bike back on the road"
"I train in two martial arts; Capoeira & Jeet Kune Do. "
"I go to the gym from Monday thru Saturday. On Sunday the gym is closed, so at Christmas I decided that Sunday would be my running/jogging day. "
Can you see WHY she might be feeling a little lonely, left out, and might have blown her top just a bit over you adding a Sunday night class? Let me see if I get this... you go to the gym Monday through Saturday and you're there for half an hour plus your weights time, you do two martial arts classes, go running once a week AND plan to get back to biking twice a week?
Where have you left time in your life for this?
"I have a beautiful wife and two awesome grown children who love me. This is what is important in my life."0 -
She could believe that since your working out alot you will be extra fine and leave her for someone more fit and trim. Women have mad insecurities and need men to tell them its not what they think. The fact she said she would rather relax at home after work instead of working out says alot about her. I mean while your all extra steel feet she will then feel bad that she isn't up on that same level. Then the risk of you losing interest and what not comes up.
Have a sit down chat and hash it out if the marriage is worth it . If not you may already know what to do.0 -
I just went looking through some of your posts...
This just got serious ... lol
Yeah... if you are spending a second full time job at working out... Then I can see why your wife is pissed about this. My wife and I generally don't ask for permission but we do discuss it prior to the event. For example; if I plan on going to the gym I tell her I plan on going to the gym tonight. I try to do the best I can to work out when our 2 year old has already gone to bed and we have had dinner and some family time or during his nap so that she can rest and then I can be there later.
Yeah. This does not sound like as much as control as much as you just took her one day with you off the map.0 -
Think for a moment that perhaps as you lost your sense of self while raising kids, she did, too. I think this happens even more commonly for women. You have re-established your sense of self through fitness, but it doesn't sound like she has found a way to do that for herself yet. Watching tv and relaxing won't do it. She doesn't want to do the fitness route, and you are thoughtful to create that opportunity but not press it. I wonder what she WOULD like to do instead?
The whole "forbidding" thing is kinda yuck. As an adult, I don't take well to being forbid to do anything, and I bet you don't either. Like others who have posted, I wonder just how much time you are working out, and what she thinks you should be doing instead. Did you previously sit on the couch watching tv together so she's missing that? Can you schedule some of your workouts not to conflict with your previously established together time?0 -
I agree with the other 2 posters. It's not easy changing a whole way of life. It's not just your life your changing, it's hers too. Maybe she's scared. Now that the kids are grown up and you are immersed in this new healthy way of life, she may be afraid of you two growing apart. She may see each new class or workout you add as another step away from her. If this class means that much to you, maybe you can give up one of your other workouts to just spend time with her. I know when things get stressful between my husband & I, we find it really helpful to go for a long walk somewhere quiet so we can talk and reconnect.
Agree!!!!!0 -
Oh Bless, it's the one night of the week she gets to spend with you, and now you're going out that night too.
No wonder she feels the fitness is more important to you than she is.0 -
This is so well written and thoughtfully presented. Please print this out and give it to your wife. When she is relaxing and in a good mood. Kiss her when you do it, and tell her that you love her over-the-moon. (or whatever makes more sense than that.)
I don't know that his wife would appreciate the fact that he aired their argument on MFP - I know I wouldn't, regardless of how well it's written. They need to talk things over and make plans to do things with each other. Even if it is sitting in front of the "idiot box".
To the OP - Sometimes a nice intimate evening, with a good movie and some cuddle time can work wonders. Call it "Dinner and a Movie" night, or "Date Night". Make a nice romantic dinner together, with lots of contact and compliments, flowers, etc. Watch a favorite movie, listen to music, whatever. Plan a picnic and take a stroll. My guess is that she misses the connection and feels like you're pulling away. Also remember there are plenty of ways to fit in activities that include your wife - that don't necessarily feel like a workout.0 -
Thanks one and all for your thoughts & opinions.
I realize today that I have broken the first & most fundamental rules of the internet.
DON'T POST WHEN YOU ARE UPSET/ANGRY!
First, my wife is a beautiful person and I will love her always! Yesterday we had a disagreement. As anyone who is married knows this happens from time to time.
My wife is also the kindest and most understanding person I have ever met! I am now and always will be lucky to be married to her.
As many people pointed out. I TOLD her I was going to the class and then she TOLD me I could not. Shame on both of us! If it makes anyone feel better, a majority of the shame on me!
With regards to our "argument" and my leaving the house. At the time our discussion was going no where. I did not leave the house in a huff mid-sentence. I told her that I needed some air and I told her where I was going. So there were no fireworks when I got home.
Both my wife and I had busy, tiresome days yesterday that were at the end of a long week. So, we were not as considerate of each others thoughts and opinions as we should have been. Again, this happens. We are fortunate in that after 21 years of marriage it does not happen often.
As for the suggestions regarding my mid-life crisis. You are probably correct. But, regardless of the reasons. I have found something that I have a passion for and something where I think I can achieve some success. And, this activity is one where I am gaining a sense of self improvement.
As for the future, who knows. My wife and I will discuss this again and we will work it out as we always do. This is not a marriage ending issue! Just a disagreement between spouses. As this is important to me my wife will most likely relent as she wants me to be happy and content. As I will most likely make some other change so that we can spend more time together. Perhaps a scheduled date night every week or so? Or some other time that we can share just between the two of us.
Thanks again for the thoughtful suggestions & opinions.0 -
I just went looking through some of your posts...
"By the end of the summer I was out 30K + rides a couple of times per week. "
What's your next vacation destination? Wed 02/29/12 06:52 AM
"Back to the gym!!!"
" I like a nice little 10 min cardio before weights.... I also do about 10 - 15 min of yoga style stretching after my cardio but before weights. "
"One of my Martial Arts classes is in a Boxing gym."
"The gym I go to has lots of women"
"I have added running 1x week to my routine and I can hardly wait until the snow melts enough to get my bike back on the road"
"I train in two martial arts; Capoeira & Jeet Kune Do. "
"I go to the gym from Monday thru Saturday. On Sunday the gym is closed, so at Christmas I decided that Sunday would be my running/jogging day. "
Can you see WHY she might be feeling a little lonely, left out, and might have blown her top just a bit over you adding a Sunday night class? Let me see if I get this... you go to the gym Monday through Saturday and you're there for half an hour plus your weights time, you do two martial arts classes, go running once a week AND plan to get back to biking twice a week?
Where have you left time in your life for this?
"I have a beautiful wife and two awesome grown children who love me. This is what is important in my life."
After reading this, as I wife, I would be upset as well. It's as if your married but living your own life. I f you all are truly life partners both of your needs will need to be met and from what I can tell your more so concerned with makes you happy versus what makes both of you happy. I don't agree with forbidding an adult from doing anything, but I also don't agree with you making decisions on your own that will affect both of you. Lastly, the comment about sitting in front of the "idiot box" can be taken offensively. It seems like you all may be a little older (based off your grown children statement) so she's obviously raised her children and been a good wife, so what if she wants to watch TV. Being married, you have to look at things from both points of view to understand how your partner feels. Just my opinion though, good luck!0 -
I didn't read all the responses, but thought I would offer up a suggestion. Once a week you should have a date night with your wife. Don't talk about the healthy lifestyle...no exercise...just focus on her. Give her your undivided attention. Allow her to have her moment with the man she loves.0
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I'd think a good dose of mud wrestling would clear any problems right up. Nothing like rolling around in the mud, getting nice and dirty. And it provides the perfect excuse to hose each other down and then take a shower together. I'd think that would make it hard to stay mad at each other.0
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You have invited her and she wasn't interested. It's only an hour and a half extra until May. Sounds like you would be riding a bike or doing something active in place of that anyway. I don't see what the problem is. I think it's worse of her to 'forbid' you than for you to sign up without discussing first. You are making a commitment to do something active. No harm in that. Perhaps there is a spring sport you could sign up for and get on a co-ed team together? My husband and I do that and it gives us time together socially. We are on 2 teams, adult kickball and softball. They are both co-ed and we are on the same team together, of course.0
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Yes, I agree. I think much of it has to do with signing up for something on the weekend without consulting her. You don't NEED to ask for her approval, but it's nice to ask.
This issue was one that my husband and I had when we first got married. I was used to being/living alone and not asking him about decisions that I made. I have changed my ways and now I ask before I make a big decision or time commitment.
You may want to share the reasons you workout and why this particular activity is beneficial to you and to her. For me, exercise is my coping strategy and it makes me an overall nicer and happier person.0 -
I confess I didn't read all the posts here. Maybe you could ask her what she would like you to participate in for her. It seems like you are giving her a choice of YOUR favorite things to do and not asking what she would like to do. You DO seem to have lots of activities focused on your interests. It sounds like she may be experiencing what a lot of women experience after the kids are doing their own thing. Like you, she doesn't know who she is or even what she would like to do after focusing on the family for so many years.0
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