Forgiveness - how do you do it???

A_New_Horizon
A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
in Chit-Chat
I posted yesterday about "True Love - does it exist??"....So today here is my difficult question (for opinions only, no arguing please). How do you forgive someone who has hurt/damaged you so badly that it totally changed who you are?? I am left picking up the pieces of myself while trying to raise 2 babies on my own. I went from having an amazing self-esteem in high school and college despite being a bigger woman to not being able to "enjoy" my new body because all I see are my flaws. It is ok if you want to throw religion into this answer or not - I am looking for all kinds of opinions. Thanks in advance.
«1345

Replies

  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I honestly think forgiveness is more about healing yourself than giving some kind of gift to the person who hurt you.

    If you continue being angry and hurt and allowing what happened to affect your life, then who wins?

    But this is something very personal and no one can tell you how or make you do it. You just have to decide you're better than the anger you carry.
  • 412HeavyLifter
    412HeavyLifter Posts: 170 Member
    Time


    "It is not "forgive and forget" as if nothing wrong had ever happened, but "forgive and go forward," building on the mistakes of the past and the energy generated by reconciliation to create a new future."
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
    Recovery from a bad/abusive relationship does not happen over night. Counseling may help you regain your perspective. Good luck!
  • SamanthaTheSpartan
    SamanthaTheSpartan Posts: 32
    You do it only for your self.
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
    Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
    Buddha


    Also, sometimes what we first perceive as "bad" changes, we eventually see as changes from which we can extract something great. You always have a choice. Choose to let go.
  • kimber0607
    kimber0607 Posts: 994 Member
    sent u a pm
    ((HUGS))
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    I agree that forgiveness is more about yourself than the other person. I also think forgiveness will differ based upon the various situations.

    If the hurt someone dealt you changed who you are, you won't be able to forgive them until you are ok with who you are now. Make things right with yourself, then forgiveness to the other should come easier, most likely because there will be nothing left to begrudge.

    I also want to point out that sometimes lack of forgiveness - at least for a while - may be what you need to make you ok with you. It may be what you are holding on to that allows you to decide to take the time to work on you. Eventually you'll have to let go of it, but I don't necessarily think that a temporary failure to forgive is a bad thing. I also think there may be some instances where a complete failure to forgive may be ok as well, although I have not experienced anything of that magnitude.
  • cruiseking
    cruiseking Posts: 338 Member
    Foregiveness is a selfish act. Think about it. I have my Phd in foregiveness.
  • Katie1951
    Katie1951 Posts: 312 Member
    Hanging on to the anger and hurt only hurts you. You can forgive, but it doesn't mean you have to let the person who bought the hurt and anger into your life be part of your life. I had a very wise person tell me you have 2 options in life 1) you can be bitter or
    2) you can be better.

    Like rml_16 said "You just have to decide you're better than the anger you carry."
  • sent4rmabove
    sent4rmabove Posts: 39
    The grudge, the anger, the resentment - it's life sucking. People like to put 'expectations' on other people and that's where WE fail. Expect nothing. Let the other person be who they are and don't try to change them for your liking - smart thing is to move on and find someone who has the qualities you seek. You don't want to change a person because people are who they are. I say FORGIVE not the other person but FORGIVE YOURSELF for making the wrong choice.
  • PepeGreggerton
    PepeGreggerton Posts: 986 Member
    It does no good to hold on to it, learn from it, let go, move on.
  • w_i_n_d_y
    w_i_n_d_y Posts: 216 Member
    Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
    Buddha


    Also, sometimes what we first perceive as "bad" changes, we eventually see as changes from which we can extract something great. You always have a choice. Choose to let go.

    You and Buddha are very wise.
  • mikethom
    mikethom Posts: 183 Member
    I think we need to learn to forgive ourselves to allow us to forgive others, just remember you can forgive but that doesn't mean you have to forget. If religion/faith works for you then that can be a great help. You might want to check out the book reviewed here http://sweeptight.com/2012/03/transforming-your-body-image.html it might help too.

    Good Luck, Mike
  • Tiff587
    Tiff587 Posts: 264 Member
    My gran always said, forgive, but never forget.

    I try and heal, let go of the anger and refocus my life, but I will never forget what that person has done. That way if they need to be in your life you will never let them have the power to do it to you again.

    :flowerforyou:
  • GentlyLosing
    GentlyLosing Posts: 32 Member
    Prayer (out loud and on purpose) helps tremendously...pray for those that have hurt you as well as for yourself. They are also broken people who hurt others.
  • futuresize8
    futuresize8 Posts: 476 Member
    I forgive out of my desire to maintain full control. In other words, each day that I continued to suffer with hurt is another day that my wrongdoer had influence (that he didn't deserve to have) upon my life.

    Release = control. The choice to forgive is yours. You can forgive someone who doesn't even want it or deserve it, and the benefit to you will be the same.

    p.s. True love does exist. I learned that it was up to me to decide who to give that love to...and up to me to be sure they were worthy.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    It is ok if you want to throw religion into this answer or not - I am looking for all kinds of opinions.
    It's easier to forgive someone when I remember that God forgives me for everything. We are called to forgive those who have hurt us as He forgives us. Not saying it's always easier, but having this faith helps.
  • lik_11
    lik_11 Posts: 433 Member
    Awww... I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much, right now. I've been there- and it's SOOOO hard.

    First- you need to focus on you and finding who you are. Maybe not the person that you were- but, at this point, the person that you want to be. Do you have hobbies? Religion? What are your personal morals? Your ethics to live by? (By all mean- you don't have to answer this to anyone but yourself!)

    Second- TIME. It's the only real healer. You can stay angry and hurt as long as you want or need, but you will always feel like something is eating you up inside (because it is). There are definitely steps and emotional phases you're going to have to go through. Can you rush them? Should you? I don't know. I wasted years letting my feelings for my ex eat me up- which I regret... but I don't know how I could have done them any differently.

    My last bit is "Fake it until you make it". If you put a smile on your face every time you want to cry- at some point that smile is going to come naturally. One day- you're going to realize you're actually smiling.. not about to cry.

    My heart goes out to you- and I wish you the best figuring it out!
  • nursedb
    nursedb Posts: 297 Member
    In hindsight leaving me was the biggest favor my ex husband ever did for me! Put myself through nsg. school and forced me to grow up and take control of my own life...and I was left with a 13 month old who is now 24 and one hell of a guy!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,973 Member
    Start by LIKING YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. IMO, till that happens, struggles will continue.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal & Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
    Therapy, God, good friends, and time.

    for•give (f r-g v , fôr-)
    v. for•gave (-g v ), for•giv•en (-g v n), for•giv•ing, for•gives
    v.tr.
    1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
    2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
    3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

    We all have faults, some are just worse than others. To me forgiveness is coming to peace with the faults in others, and thereby coming to peace with our own. There are unforgivable crimes, but the breaking of a heart and destruction of a family can simply be the structure on which to build a fortress where a shack once stood. Just because you forgive, doesn’t mean that you must forget, it just means that you’ve learned a lesson that will hopefully make you stronger. Seems to me like this is a great opportunity to find the person inside you that you’ve lost over the past few years.
  • sherri85
    sherri85 Posts: 148 Member
    I have been right where you are now and let me tell you it isn't easy but it is possible!! I saw T.D. Jakes on tv recently and he put it very well when he was speaking about how bitterness and not forgiving hurts you more than anyone else when he said "It's like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die". That hit me hard because it is soooooo true it is us that suffer with anger, resentment, and hurt not the ones that are responsible for doing the damage. So I hope you can forgive and forget and make the rest of your life the very best it can be. :flowerforyou:
  • bug1114
    bug1114 Posts: 268 Member
    It is ok if you want to throw religion into this answer or not - I am looking for all kinds of opinions.


    Two favorite quotes of mine are: "Forgiveness is a choice we make based upon the reality of our own forgiven state." and "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
  • HopeFaithLove71
    HopeFaithLove71 Posts: 22 Member
    Holding on to it allows the offending person to continue to suck the life right out of you. You need to forgive them for yourself. The offending person generally has issues all their own. I always feel sorry for them. They must hold a miserable existance, no matter if they "look" happy. Leaving misery in the wake, is not a happy person. So, I feel sorry for them, pray for them and I forgive them, so that I can let go emotionally and begin real healing.

    That being said, please don't mistake forgivness for forgetting, those are two very different things. That horse will still kick you if you get within reach. Don't put yourself in the position to be hurt by that person again.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I honestly think forgiveness is more about healing yourself than giving some kind of gift to the person who hurt you.

    If you continue being angry and hurt and allowing what happened to affect your life, then who wins?

    But this is something very personal and no one can tell you how or make you do it. You just have to decide you're better than the anger you carry.

    This^^

    I don't forgive for the sake of the other person. I forgive for the sake of healing my own heart and letting go of negativity. Harboring negative feelings ultimately has a negative impact on your physical and mental well-being.
  • Hannah_Banana
    Hannah_Banana Posts: 1,242 Member
    Forgiveness is not about the other person. Most of the time this person does NOT deserve it. Forgiveness is for us.

    Letting the anger or hurt eat away at you ONLY hurts you, you think the person who hurt you cares? Decide to be strong, defy what that person was trying to achieve and succeed, become a better person for it. I found a whole new world of peace when I decided instead of being a victim, I would be a hero.
  • Bella3119
    Bella3119 Posts: 104
    A friend and I were discussing this the other night.

    I used to live with all the wrongs others did to me for a very long time. I think the anger just hid the tears. I noticed my anger towards those who did me wrong caused me to lose sight of myself. I started playing the victim for every little thing and that was not a good way to live, especially as a single mom of 2 small girls. So they were my driving force in learning to forgive others and even myself.

    She on the other hand, is a single woman with no kids and does not feel that her not lack of forgicveness of others has no affect on her life at all. She suffers from depression and also has a couple of addictions she is working through. Yet, she does not see the link between forgiveness and what's holding her back from making a full recovery.

    Letting go of anything is hard, but now I see that forgiveness is something that really has no bearing on the other at all (unless they have conscience) but it's meant for you to free yourself from the person or their action. It is really hard ofcourse, but ultimately I always feel better when I do.
  • w_i_n_d_y
    w_i_n_d_y Posts: 216 Member
    Time


    "It is not "forgive and forget" as if nothing wrong had ever happened, but "forgive and go forward," building on the mistakes of the past and the energy generated by reconciliation to create a new future."

    This^
  • SwannySez
    SwannySez Posts: 5,860 Member
    I forgive them and let their transgressions go in my mind. I just don't tell them that I have. That way there's a small part of me always smirking.

    Well, I'm generally smirking anyway, but still...
  • ProjectLGD
    ProjectLGD Posts: 18
    Hanging on to the anger and hurt only hurts you. You can forgive, but it doesn't mean you have to let the person who bought the hurt and anger into your life be part of your life. I had a very wise person tell me you have 2 options in life 1) you can be bitter or
    2) you can be better.

    Like rml_16 said "You just have to decide you're better than the anger you carry."

    I love this: you have 2 options in life 1) you can be bitter or 2) you can be better.

    My road to forgiveness was helped by realizing that the person who hurt me is really a damaged guy and he was driven to hurt me (and other people) by his life history. He is who he is. If it wasn't me it would have been someone else. I stopped taking it personally.

Categories