Forgiveness - how do you do it???

Therapy, God, good friends, and time.

for•give (f r-g v , fôr-)
v. for•gave (-g v ), for•giv•en (-g v n), for•giv•ing, for•gives
v.tr.
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

We all have faults, some are just worse than others. To me forgiveness is coming to peace with the faults in others, and thereby coming to peace with our own. There are unforgivable crimes, but the breaking of a heart and destruction of a family can simply be the structure on which to build a fortress where a shack once stood. Just because you forgive, doesn’t mean that you must forget, it just means that you’ve learned a lesson that will hopefully make you stronger. Seems to me like this is a great opportunity to find the person inside you that you’ve lost over the past few years.

It is ok if you want to throw religion into this answer or not - I am looking for all kinds of opinions.

Two favorite quotes of mine are: "Forgiveness is a choice we make based upon the reality of our own forgiven state." and "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."

I honestly think forgiveness is more about healing yourself than giving some kind of gift to the person who hurt you.

If you continue being angry and hurt and allowing what happened to affect your life, then who wins?

But this is something very personal and no one can tell you how or make you do it. You just have to decide you're better than the anger you carry.

This^^

I don't forgive for the sake of the other person. I forgive for the sake of healing my own heart and letting go of negativity. Harboring negative feelings ultimately has a negative impact on your physical and mental well-being.

A friend and I were discussing this the other night.

I used to live with all the wrongs others did to me for a very long time. I think the anger just hid the tears. I noticed my anger towards those who did me wrong caused me to lose sight of myself. I started playing the victim for every little thing and that was not a good way to live, especially as a single mom of 2 small girls. So they were my driving force in learning to forgive others and even myself.

She on the other hand, is a single woman with no kids and does not feel that her not lack of forgicveness of others has no affect on her life at all. She suffers from depression and also has a couple of addictions she is working through. Yet, she does not see the link between forgiveness and what's holding her back from making a full recovery.

Letting go of anything is hard, but now I see that forgiveness is something that really has no bearing on the other at all (unless they have conscience) but it's meant for you to free yourself from the person or their action. It is really hard ofcourse, but ultimately I always feel better when I do.

I forgive them and let their transgressions go in my mind. I just don't tell them that I have. That way there's a small part of me always smirking.

Well, I'm generally smirking anyway, but still...

Been there...I carried a lot of bitterness...A LOT...it consumed my every thought, my every waking moment, my every sleeping moment...and then that "a-ha" moment...here's the religion part...one day at Church, the Pastor spoke of forgiveness...honestly, although my a-ha moment, I can't remember the sermon, other than because God loved us so much he sacrificed his only son to forgive us of our sins, how could I NOT forgive the man who tormented my life for 3 years with abuse (but gave me my most precious gift - my daughter)? It took some soul-searching on my part...I had started to enjoy the bitterness - the angry thoughts, I had begun to enourage it within me. Now here's the tricky part - in order to forgive you have to confront that person, tell them out loud you forgive them. You don't have to get into any discussion about it and you absolutely cannot expect an "I'm sorry"...just simply say, "I forgive you for what you've done"...and then turn around and walk away...the power in that moment...the weight lifted off your shoulders is amazing!! And then you have to let it go...doesn't mean you can't think about, or talk about it, but you have to let the bitterness, anger and hurt go. Forgive but don't forget. Seriously...what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I will never get those 3 years back, but they've made me who I am today and I'm so much better for it! If you can't confront the person, then I suggest writing a letter of forgiveness and then either burning it or setting it free in a balloon...very cathardic! I promise you, you will feel better, and every aspect of your life will change, once you can free the negativity!

The key to forgiveness for me has been to understand that people do things for reasons that make sense to THEM. Everyone is on their own journey in their own life. And usually, they are in their own pain and sadness and struggle. So if they do something that hurts you, just remember that they are in a lot of pain too. Can you honestly say that you've never hurt anyone? I know I have certainly hurt people in the past -- not because I was a bad person, but because I was doing what I had to do. So that is how I have learned to forgive people: by remembering that I am the same as they are. By remembering that they are in pain just like I am, and that sometimes these things just happen.

However, as other posters have mentioned above, forgiving is about letting go your bad baggage, but it does NOT mean that you give your trust to such a person again. If somebody hurt you and behaved in a dishonest, disrespectful or dangerous manner, you should certainly keep them at a distance from you!

Most people seem to be saying a version of, "Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself."

This sounds sappy, I know, and it will probably take a few years before you can let go of the anger towards someone who hurt you so deeply. But you will not be able to move on and find a new love, until you can get over this man who has abused your trust.

I went through a similar experience, and honestly, am much happier now. But it took a few years to get here!

Chin up! Things do get better. But you have to work to make them that way....it's all up to you!

Forgive but never forget. There are very few actions in my life I can never forgive

IMO I believe that when you step back from the situation and realize that we are a product of our experiences then it is easier to forgive.

For example, an adult who grew up with an abusive childhood is going to handle challenges differently then someone who may have had a happy childhood. I am not making excuses for bad behavior just saying that compassion melts away that anger and allows forgiveness.