Need mens honest thoughts
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Not a man here but years of experience with this very same topic. My husband of 20 years did not find me attractive once I gained weight. It factored so hard into our marriage. I spent 20 years begging for attention....begging for affection.....yes, even begging for sex. It made me feel unlovable and unattractrive which escalated into low self opinion and low self respect which escalated into more weight gain. Mean ugly cycle! Finally, I found the courage and strength to say....enough!
Now I'm not saying this to discourage you or make you feel like you are going to lose your husband. Quite the contrary! There is second chapter to this story.
I met my current husband four years ago. He adored me for me. I was already overweight and it got worse over the next 3 years. I think I was feeling too happy and that old self-sabotage thing got the best of me. But this is how I explain the difference between marriage and love.........this is what love did for me:
Because he says I'm the most beautiful woman in the world........... I started to see the beauty in myself.
Because he treats me like the center of his universe.......................... I started to see value in myself.
Because he only sees the good in me.....................................................I try every day to be better than I was the day before.
If he truly loves you.......... truly........... your weight is just a number. He might want you to be thinner and healthier for yourself and yes....even for himself....... but if he loves you that won't be the deciding factor. If it is......... it was never going to last anyway.0 -
My story is kinda like yours. And no, I'm not a naked, but I'd like to respond anyways.
My husband is army. We married in December. When we met, I had been nearing 140 without realizing it. He roundabout suggested losing weight. From August to December, I lost almost 30lbs, and weighed in at 111, but it still wasn't enough. Still isn't enough. And he stays, not because I lost weight for him or because I have a rocking figure, but because he loves me. I'm pretty sure your hubs isn't trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel poorly about yourself. It probably wants you healthier so you'll be around to live a long happy life with him & your daughter.
My hubs knows I'll never look like a VS model. I'm too short, but he does want to me keep trying & make it a lifetime thing instead of a quick fix diet, get to weight, and give up. He wants ne healthy fit and strong too. He wants me to be able to keep up with him and outrun him. He wants me to do all the things I never thought I could cuz I was getting so outta shape.
I honestly don't think he will leave you. He was with you at your biggest because he loves you. He cares about your health. I think he more likely just doesn't want you to give up after you make goal weight. Ya know?0 -
Maybe you just need to tell him, hey, when you make comments or are grossed out by other people's weight, it makes me feel bad, because I'm not at the ideal weight myself.0
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You are totally right. I guess my own insecurities have just gotten the best of me.My story is kinda like yours. And no, I'm not a naked, but I'd like to respond anyways.
My husband is army. We married in December. When we met, I had been nearing 140 without realizing it. He roundabout suggested losing weight. From August to December, I lost almost 30lbs, and weighed in at 111, but it still wasn't enough. Still isn't enough. And he stays, not because I lost weight for him or because I have a rocking figure, but because he loves me. I'm pretty sure your hubs isn't trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel poorly about yourself. It probably wants you healthier so you'll be around to live a long happy life with him & your daughter.
My hubs knows I'll never look like a VS model. I'm too short, but he does want to me keep trying & make it a lifetime thing instead of a quick fix diet, get to weight, and give up. He wants ne healthy fit and strong too. He wants me to be able to keep up with him and outrun him. He wants me to do all the things I never thought I could cuz I was getting so outta shape.
I honestly don't think he will leave you. He was with you at your biggest because he loves you. He cares about your health. I think he more likely just doesn't want you to give up after you make goal weight. Ya know?0 -
You are spot on! I bet he doesn't even realize it bothers me.Maybe you just need to tell him, hey, when you make comments or are grossed out by other people's weight, it makes me feel bad, because I'm not at the ideal weight myself.0
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I'm not a man, but I am going to throw out some thoughts.
First, I'm glad you talked to him about it.
You said you found that he googled how to get your wife to lose weight, or something similar. Maybe he was looking for help in how to express what he was feeling, that is, he wants you to be happy and healthy. It's pretty much drilled in to people that "you never talk about a woman's weight to her." He may have felt uncomfortable broaching the subject with you because it IS such a sensitive topic. Are you truly happy at the weight you're at? He may see that too and just be trying to help but is really bad at it.
As far as the comments, well, I don't really think he sees you as "one of them," so that's why he's comfortable making them.
Just my $.02, take it for what you will. Hope things get better
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My wife added almost 80 pounds when she was pregnant with our son (17 years ago) and has fluctuated in weight all thoughout our marriage. THe bottom line for me is that I love her for who she is and although I thought she looked better when she was thinner, I still found her attractive because I love her as a person. I can't speak for all men (or women for that matter), but that's how I feel. Love is love.
I agree with this. I still turn my husband on and I gained 60 pounds in my pregnancy. I can still get him to "rise up" which is very great to know. I have been 80 pounds lighter and he has always treated me the same. I hope you have a man who loves you as a person and not as an object, because you deserve it. Dont let him tear you down because you are a little over your target, thats when you need them to love you the most, not be grossed out. I am going to guess that if my husband ever googled on how to get your wife to lose weight, it was because he wanted me to be thinner and not the healthy thought. I dont think most men would think of the healthy aspect, especially if they are physically fit and all.0 -
I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.
BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.
OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.
NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.
MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.
So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.
Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.
Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!0 -
I am starting to think just this. Thank you. He could leave if he wanted to, but he doesn't. He gets up early, goes to work, calls me on his way home to see if I need anything, comes home to me and plays with our Daughter, pokes around the mall with me on the weekends and watches chic flicks. I think he should not make rude comments, but I should not be so insecure too.I'm not a man, but I am going to throw out some thoughts.
First, I'm glad you talked to him about it.
You said you found that he googled how to get your wife to lose weight, or something similar. Maybe he was looking for help in how to express what he was feeling, that is, he wants you to be happy and healthy. It's pretty much drilled in to people that "you never talk about a woman's weight to her." He may have felt uncomfortable broaching the subject with you because it IS such a sensitive topic. Are you truly happy at the weight you're at? He may see that too and just be trying to help but is really bad at it.
As far as the comments, well, I don't really think he sees you as "one of them," so that's why he's comfortable making them.
Just my $.02, take it for what you will. Hope things get better0 -
Thank you Momma! You look amazing! 6 kids, how do you have sanity!!I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.
BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.
OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.
NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.
MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.
So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.
Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.
Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!0 -
It sounds like you do have insecurities about yourself. Even after he assured you that he loves you for you, it still offends you when you hear him make remarks about others that are overweight. I would say that if you are going to start trying to lose weight, keep in mind that you are doing it for yourself so that you can feel better about yourself and be healthier. It's not for him, he has already said that he loves you. I definitely think that working out and getting in shape will help you with your insecurities. All of these things will get better as you get more in shape, but you need to keep telling yourself that you are beautiful regardless and that he loves you and you'll be great! :happy: 0
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Thank you. Deep down I know this. I felt awesome when I lost weight before our Daughter, and seriously know I can get back there if I work hard.It sounds like you do have insecurities about yourself. Even after he assured you that he loves you for you, it still offends you when you hear him make remarks about others that are overweight. I would say that if you are going to start trying to lose weight, keep in mind that you are doing it for yourself so that you can feel better about yourself and be healthier. It's not for him, he has already said that he loves you. I definitely think that working out and getting in shape will help you with your insecurities. All of these things will get better as you get more in shape, but you need to keep telling yourself that you are beautiful regardless and that he loves you and you'll be great! :happy:0
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Thank you Momma! You look amazing! 6 kids, how do you have sanity!!I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.
BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.
OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.
NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.
MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.
So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.
Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.
Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!
Sometimes I do not have sanity. I guess it is all just a blur!! haha! They are ages 2-17! So, I have to do things for all age groups. So, I feel, if I can lose 60lbs of baby fat after kid 6 and our crazy schedule, anyone can.0 -
::big hugs::
This made me so sad. I recently started going to the gym. and my husband told me I was always adorable just the way I am. He is encouraging...told me I was 'looking good' yesterday...and I'm still over 200 at 5'7. I would LOVE to be at 160...you ARE beautiful!!!!!
I bet your baby thinks you are too! Best of luck to you...I will send you good vibes!0 -
Here's my 2 pennies... I weighed 180 when I met my husband and lost 40 lbs almost instantly (desk job to beer girl at the golf course... and I was happy). Got married and gained 60 lbs over the last 10 years. I have only been working on this seriously since January. I haven't lost any weight, I have actually gained 3 lbs!! I now weigh 198 but I have lost 7 inches off my waist, 1" off boobs, Zero off the hips and 1" each off arms and legs. So my body is trimming up even though the scale doesn't say so. Now that being said... He(former Navy) finds me more attractive now than he did 6 months ago(the bedroom says so) . I asked him why all this bedroom activity was happening. He said it was because he finds me more attractive when I work out than when I don't. After a few weeks talking about it, we came to this conclusion.... when I work out, I am taking care of myself. I know I am doing what needs to be done to be healthy no matter what the scale says. When I take care of myself, I feel happier and when I feel happier about myself I project that happiness around me. He says I smile a lot more, seem more energetic, just happier and a fun person to be around.
Does he look at models/other women? Yep, he's a man. it's what they do Do I think he wants me to look this them? Yep, to a certain extent. Do I want to look like that? Yep, you betcha. I want to wear all the clothes and almost no clothes that they are wearing. But what I truly believe is that he loves me for me but I must love myself, and when I love myself, he loves me more. Maybe that's all your husband was doing. Maybe he was loving you because you were loving you.0 -
You poor thing. That can be so undermining to your self esteem. I have gained 75 pounds during my marriage. My husband still lifts and looks great. He says he loves my body no matter what, he just wants me to be healthy. 6 years ago, he became disabled. Yet he acted every day like I should leave him because of it. WHAT???!!! Anyway, my son is 12 and I am 45 and I need to lose weight to be healthy to take care of both of them. I am 45 and I hurt like an old lady. So this journey needs to happen (better late than never). Your husband will stay and love you no matter what if he truly loves you. Weight is easy to change once you have the right frame of mind...right? Becoming disabled should never make a person worry about their spouse leaving.....can you even imagine? But get healthier before you get older. LOL It hurts!!!0
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My honest thought?
MENS is not a word.0 -
I am sure he loves you. I am sure he wants you to be happy & healthy. If you do get to YOUR weight goal, that is just a bonus to him.0
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I am not a man, but I will say this. If you are bigger than you were when you got married than honestly I would understand his concerns.
this is rubbish. Your husband should love you for who you are. With that said. I say this about my own hubby. He loves me for who I am, and If i got even fatter, he would STILL love me! But in the same hand, he loves me enough to not let me stay the way I am. It is about health, and holding onto each other for a long time! And btw, I AM bigger than i was when we got married, I gained about 70 lbs actually, and my husband STILL loves me0 -
Maybe he wants you to be healthier and live longer?
There's about a dozen reasons other then visual/physical that he may want you in better shape.
It's not that hard. If you're doing it for him, you're doing it for the wrong reason. Guys'll leave and cheat for other things as well.
And stop making it out to be a situation where he's wrong and you're innocent and lazy, and don't have to change.
If you wanna be in better shape, healthier and happier, do work, son.0
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