"I'm never getting married again."
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My husband had TWO of the worst divorces in history. Lost a home, a child and a business in those transactions. We met and started dating about 2 yrs after #2 was over, but still dealing with paperwork. After a year of dating I asked him point blank if he had any intentions of us marrying. He said possibly, but wasn't sure. He ws 100% committed and didn't feel marriage made any difference to his commitment. I said at that time if he saw marriage was NOT an option at all, then I would say thank you for wonderful times and move on. A year later I asked him the same question, and he said he was open to marriage, and the same 100% committment was there whether we were married or not. We got engaged and a year later we married. We've been together for 16 years.
If he had a BAD divorce, and this relationship is w/in 2 years of that marriage ending, he's sour and hurt and is not open to jumping into another relationship. TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD. Don't be a typical woman who tries to take a square peg, saw off the 4 edges and make him fit the round hole.
Something changed that made him say something that rude and cruel in front of her. My initial thought is this: He's told her this previoiusly, and typically - she's not LISTENING to what he's told her. Sorry to sound like a nag - but typically women do not listen to what men say....or they do, but chose to ignore it figuring with time they'll wear him down.
My advice is if he still says ABSOLUTELY NO at this point, thank him for wonderful times, tell him you wish him well, mend your lost dreams, and look for someone who wants the same thing you do: a long, happy married relationship, and probably children. It's not going to be with this guy.0 -
Also wanted to say we live in Texas where common law marriage is just like being married...0
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Marriage isn't a be all, end all. That said, why should he pay off her debt? She incurred it, she should pay it. And he'd be liable for it if they marry.
He may be a ****, and not worth marrying. But the money seems to be the bigger point of contention.
Incur! Thank you! That's the word I was trying to remember. I knew accrue wasn't quite right.
Anyway, a prenup would take that issue off the table, but I'd still bet five dollars it isn't the only thing standing between those two and a wedding.0 -
lol @ people calling him names and disrespecting him in this thread.
Remember that when people you don't know do the same to you for being fat and outta shape.
For the record, I said acting like an *kitten*...I don't know Johnny so I can't comment on whether or not he really is an *kitten*. But Jane said he was and she should know since she's dating him, lol0 -
i live in texas too and its not the same because common law isnt a man and woman devoting themselves to each other through the act of marriage. Common law is usually the baby mama/ live in girl friend cop out. IJS.Also wanted to say we live in Texas where common law marriage is just like being married...0 -
i live in texas too and its not the same because common law isnt a man and woman devoting themselves to each other through the act of marriage. Common law is usually the baby mama/ live in girl friend cop out. IJS.Also wanted to say we live in Texas where common law marriage is just like being married...
^^^Wow...judgmental much. Talk about narrowmindedly blanketing an entire group of people.0 -
Marriage ruins everything. Why do we need to get married? it really should be illegal. if you hhave all the above, why do u need a piece of paper to validate ur love?0
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What is the point of dating then if there will never be a marriage? It's every girls dream to have that special day. If you love her, and that is the person you want to be with forever, why not get married?
i second this!0 -
How much she is willing to deal with and how long she wants to wait. I personally think life is to damn short for the BS and keep it moving. If he keeps saying that he's never getting married and been dating you for over a year than that means he doesnt want to marry her in particular period. So its not that he doesnt want to get married, its more like she's not the one because when it hits the man how much he cares and loves a woman he will marry her without hesitation. Using his past relationship is just an excuse for him. Everyone in one time or another had a bad break up or relationship. You learn and move on! I say this because i see it with most of my girlfriends and the nonsense they put up with and its just a waste of time. So tell your girlfriend she matters more, not him.0
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When people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
Definitely.0 -
I've said this myself. Swore up and down I would never get married again.
Then I met someone totally amazing that knocked me completely off my feet. Our relationship is only a few months old but in a few years if things are still going good I would totally ask her.
However, she doesn't believe in marriage either. I'm okay with that. Even if I wasn't jaded about marriage I would be okay with that. Because I love her, and the only thing that matters is that we have each other. I don't need a piece of paper from the state to bind her to me forever, she already has my heart and everything that comes with it.0 -
So many people bashing a guy they don't know based off of a one-sided story. So many senses of entitlement.
Here's the easy bottom line. Man or a woman, if you want to get married, then get with someone who also wants to get married. if you get with someone who does not want to get married, no matter what or why, then that's on you.0 -
Guys, this is not a thread discussing the validity or ultimate importance of marriage as a whole. This is a thread asking for specific advice about a specific situation concerning specific people. Obviously, Jane values marriage so it doesn't really matter whether YOU think it's "just a piece of paper" or not really that important.
In fact, it doesn't even matter that marriage happens to be the issue at hand. Substitute marriage for tacos and you would still have the bottom line, which is this: Johnny tells Jane in private that he absolutely loves tacos. THEN Johnny says, in the presence of all his friends, that he HATES tacos and will never eat a taco. Now, EITHER Johnny was being untruthful with Jane in the first place, in order to make her happy/get something out of her/shut her up etc...OR he is being untruthful with his friends now in order to look cool/fit in/start up a conversation...IT DOESN'T MATTER what the issue is, the guy is obviously either extremely oblivious, or willing to sacrifice the truth in some context to get what he wants. That, or he's just extremely indecisive and doesn't really know what he wants (in which case he should just keep his mouth shut). Take your pick, all of those things reflect extremely badly on the guy in my opinion and show that there will be much more serious problems in the future.
NOW all that being said...I believe that love means commitment, and commitment means no matter what. If Jane can't see herself with anyone else and this is really the guy she thinks could make her happy for the rest of her life...then I would say stick with that commitment and believe that things will change. But if Jane really thinks Johnny will never change his mind and she doesn't wanna wait around to be someone's 50 year old girlfriend (which is absolutely awesome, btw, I admire you so much for saying that) then I would say get out now because things will only get harder the longer you wait. People DO change, but don't waste your time waiting for it if you know it's not going to happen.0 -
In fact, it doesn't even matter that marriage happens to be the issue at hand. Substitute marriage for tacos and you would still have the bottom line, which is this: Johnny tells Jane in private that he absolutely loves tacos. THEN Johnny says, in the presence of all his friends, that he HATES tacos and will never eat a taco.
If Johnny is never going to eat a taco, Johnny should be with Jimmy then, not Jane.0 -
OMG, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!0
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He told her he didnt want to marry her in the beginning. I have learned one valuable lesson in life and that is to listen. Dont try to change a man. If I wanted to get married and a guy told me that I would have ended it0
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When people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
Definitely.
Oh hell yes. We don't all want the same things! Why waste your time....he aint the one you're looking for!0 -
just stating the obvious. they dont love you enough to marry you so they allow you to call yourself a common law spouse.
i live in texas too and its not the same because common law isnt a man and woman devoting themselves to each other through the act of marriage. Common law is usually the baby mama/ live in girl friend cop out. IJS.Also wanted to say we live in Texas where common law marriage is just like being married...
^^^Wow...judgmental much. Talk about narrowmindedly blanketing an entire group of people.0 -
Man didn't create God, God created Man!!!0
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I would dump him.0
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Every type of license there is in the world expires, except a marriage license! Just sayin!0
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I write this on behalf of my girlfriend... I have a biased opinion, so why not throw it out to random strangers:)
27 year old man (Johnny) married for 5 or 6 years. Divorced Oct 2010.
Johnny has now been dating Jane nearly 1.5 years. He told Jane he doesn't want to get married ever again, initially. Then after getting more serious with her, said he would marry her, just not anytime soon.
Last night, Johnny makes the public declaration amongst friends he will never ever get married again, and he will never pay off another woman's debt.... This, in front of Jane (who is going with the understanding he intends to marry her at some point).
What would you do if you were Jane? She is truly in love with him and would be heartbroken to end it. They are a very strong couple with this being the only glaring issue. She believes she is worthy of a man making a commitment to her - in the terms of marriage.
Let the opinions fly
Having been married and divorced myself, I can sympathize with the "I'm not getting married ever again" statement. I have said it many times, myself! I don't think I, personally, NEED to get married to love someone unconditionally. Now that I have kids, as they continue to get older, I may just "live in sin" if/when I find someone that I deem worthy of being with for a long, long time. I think if I DIDN'T have children already from my first marriage, and still wanted to have some, my outlook would possibly be different, though....
Anyway...IMO, as long as he loves her and treats her well, and she loves him and can accept NOT having a piece of paper to prove they are committed...I think she should let it go. But, really, only SHE can decide. In matters of the heart, only the two people involved REALLY can determine what they can and can't live with..... I wish her the best of luck!0 -
because its obviously something she wants in life, and why should she deny herself that just because he isnt willing to give it to her? to most people its more than just a piece of paper. it actually means something.It's a piece of paper. You're going to dump him for a piece of paper. If you're happy with him and you love him, why is a piece of paper so important? It's not like it's the never-going-to-break-up-or-leave you piece of paper.... divorce removes that piece of paper everytime. Quit whining about a slice of dead tree and enjoy your man. Sheesh!
Which is why the divorce rate is at an all time low, right? Hahahaha...
If it's more important than him, then she should leave. The choice is, a piece of paper that means something to her versus staying with a guy that doesn't want a piece of paper.
For most men, loyalty doesn't even begin until they put a ring on a woman's finger. I can understand why she would want a piece of paper. My ex-husband decided that even though he fooled around before we were married that it couldn't be considered cheating because he didn't do it after we were married.
Wow. I don't know ANY men who believe loyalty only begins with the ring. Even with the douches I know.
That was his way of making my indiscretion seem way worse... hence why we are divorced now. LOL!
But I haven't been married since so I don't really have anything else to compare it to.0 -
I think out of all the things in the world, this is the lease of her problems...Are they happy? Well, good. With the divorce rate, one could have there are plenty of unhappy marriages.
My boyfriend isnt really a 'marriage' type of guy, which I knew from the get go. If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I wouldn't think twice about saying yes. If he doesn't ever ask me, that is ok too. Reason being, my love for him will not change at all if we are married or not. As long as I get to grow old with him, I am one happy camper.0 -
To say that in front of everyone with her sitting there was extremely insensitive..
That would be grounds for a breakup if he didn't apologize, for me at least.
:ohwell:0 -
Dump him, he's a waste of time.0
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He is the type of man that after him & his gf split he will marry the next girl he dates. My uncle never believed in marriage, he was adopted & his parents have lived common law for 30 years. He & his amazing girlfriend broke up because he just would never marry her & that was her ultimatum. He got married about a year & a half later to somebody else.........0
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Yeahhh Get out of that relationship now.I was in a marriage (divorce to be final next month) where we had different opinions of alot of the fundamental issues.We had hoped it would work out anyway,but when you both want completely different things in life,it never works out..0
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What is the point of dating then if there will never be a marriage? It's every girls dream to have that special day. If you love her, and that is the person you want to be with forever, why not get married?
It is not every girl's dream to have that special day. Nothing is absolute.0 -
just stating the obvious. they dont love you enough to marry you so they allow you to call yourself a common law spouse.
i live in texas too and its not the same because common law isnt a man and woman devoting themselves to each other through the act of marriage. Common law is usually the baby mama/ live in girl friend cop out. IJS.Also wanted to say we live in Texas where common law marriage is just like being married...
^^^Wow...judgmental much. Talk about narrowmindedly blanketing an entire group of people.
just saying... she doesn't love him enough to accept he doesn't want to get married... two sides to everything :drinker:0
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