toxic family or friends who try to undermine your weight los
Laurej
Posts: 227
I am a very new member here, but it seems like there are a lot of great people here who are in the process of dropping weight and getting fit or have accomplished their goals, and I thought maybe some of you have had similar experiences and could help me with my problem.
All my life I have had weight problems. My sister and mother both pride themselves on their 80-90 pound bodies and laugh, pick on me, make snide comments, or feel it's ok to disrespect me for being a fat disgusting slob.
last year at a family get together, my mother gave me a size 4x( size 28-30W) shirt for a present. I was shocked as yes I was fat at a size 16/18, but I certainly was not a 4x. They both giggled uncontrollably when I opened the present.
My sister has a regular habit of taking the worst pictures of me and tagging me on facebook. It's always the picture of when I bend over to pick something up, or right as I put a bite of food in my mouth. I always leave family get togethers feeling worse about myself.
My husband told my sister, don't take pictures of her and post them on facebook, but to no avail. It seems like she relishes putting up the grossest pictures of me on facebook and tagging me. Once I asked her to see the pics she took and picked one out that wasn't terrible and said if you must post on facebook, please post this one, or nothing at all. When I got home, the picture of me that looked decent was not posted, instead she had gotten some even more mortifying ones and posted those.
After that humiliating experience, I decided enough was enough. I dusted off my bike, located my old running shoes, and made a decision that from that day forward not one bite of fast food would ever pass my lips again.
Fast forward to a year later. I now average 100 miles running a month and 200 miles cycling a month, and have lost over 50 pounds, yet am still no where near my goal weight. My sister and many of my friends, are not happy about my weight loss.
I hear a mix of you run too much, or don't bike so much, or you'll blow your knees out if you try and run a half marathon, or you can't do this, or on the flip side, giggles and snide comments on how I think I'm losing weight but that Im still too fat.
My sister giggles and makes fun of me about my intentions on getting slim. She still tries hard to get the worst picture of me. for example, at the last get together, she waited until cake was served and literally whipped her camera out from under the table and Snap right as I took a bite! My poor husband had been on picture watch and was supposed to jump in front of me at the sight of her cam, but she was sneaky quick and he was caught off guard.
I finally got so depressed looking at these terrible pictures of myself on her facebook page, I deleted her, so at the very least I don't have to see these pictures or see her giggling snide comments on them. I even tried explaining to her, look, I am trying very hard to lose the weight and it hurts terribly that you choose to take and post the worst pictures of me on facebook. She just rolles her eyes and said if you don't like it, change yourself. I also explained that I have been doing something and it takes a long time to lose the weight.
while my mother has finally come around saying that I look great, and that she was impressed I managed to do a half marathon, even if it was only at a 12 min per mile pace, My sister is still trying to enlist my mother in making fun of me.
It is now time to start planning a date for mother's day celebration, and ever since, I've noticed I have been craving bad foods. I have anxiety/ depression over the idea of getting together with her and her camera as I have not achieved my weight loss goal.
Does anyone have similar problems? and if so what do you do about toxic family who try and undermine your success?
All my life I have had weight problems. My sister and mother both pride themselves on their 80-90 pound bodies and laugh, pick on me, make snide comments, or feel it's ok to disrespect me for being a fat disgusting slob.
last year at a family get together, my mother gave me a size 4x( size 28-30W) shirt for a present. I was shocked as yes I was fat at a size 16/18, but I certainly was not a 4x. They both giggled uncontrollably when I opened the present.
My sister has a regular habit of taking the worst pictures of me and tagging me on facebook. It's always the picture of when I bend over to pick something up, or right as I put a bite of food in my mouth. I always leave family get togethers feeling worse about myself.
My husband told my sister, don't take pictures of her and post them on facebook, but to no avail. It seems like she relishes putting up the grossest pictures of me on facebook and tagging me. Once I asked her to see the pics she took and picked one out that wasn't terrible and said if you must post on facebook, please post this one, or nothing at all. When I got home, the picture of me that looked decent was not posted, instead she had gotten some even more mortifying ones and posted those.
After that humiliating experience, I decided enough was enough. I dusted off my bike, located my old running shoes, and made a decision that from that day forward not one bite of fast food would ever pass my lips again.
Fast forward to a year later. I now average 100 miles running a month and 200 miles cycling a month, and have lost over 50 pounds, yet am still no where near my goal weight. My sister and many of my friends, are not happy about my weight loss.
I hear a mix of you run too much, or don't bike so much, or you'll blow your knees out if you try and run a half marathon, or you can't do this, or on the flip side, giggles and snide comments on how I think I'm losing weight but that Im still too fat.
My sister giggles and makes fun of me about my intentions on getting slim. She still tries hard to get the worst picture of me. for example, at the last get together, she waited until cake was served and literally whipped her camera out from under the table and Snap right as I took a bite! My poor husband had been on picture watch and was supposed to jump in front of me at the sight of her cam, but she was sneaky quick and he was caught off guard.
I finally got so depressed looking at these terrible pictures of myself on her facebook page, I deleted her, so at the very least I don't have to see these pictures or see her giggling snide comments on them. I even tried explaining to her, look, I am trying very hard to lose the weight and it hurts terribly that you choose to take and post the worst pictures of me on facebook. She just rolles her eyes and said if you don't like it, change yourself. I also explained that I have been doing something and it takes a long time to lose the weight.
while my mother has finally come around saying that I look great, and that she was impressed I managed to do a half marathon, even if it was only at a 12 min per mile pace, My sister is still trying to enlist my mother in making fun of me.
It is now time to start planning a date for mother's day celebration, and ever since, I've noticed I have been craving bad foods. I have anxiety/ depression over the idea of getting together with her and her camera as I have not achieved my weight loss goal.
Does anyone have similar problems? and if so what do you do about toxic family who try and undermine your success?
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Replies
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Wow! I'm not quite sure what to say here but that is horrible. My friends and family have been supportive but I have had to cut others out of my life. Is that an option you are willing to consider (beyond unfriending your sister on Facebook?)
Kimberly0 -
A half marathon at a 12 mile pace is fantastic! Don't begrudge your successes.
Having said that I honestly have no advice to offer, but wanted to say sorry you have to go through this. I'm glad your husband is supportive. My sister and I don't get along well, but for many other reasons. I think deleting her is a good first step. There are also other privacy settings on FB where I think you can control someone else tagging you in pics, just as an fyi.
Good luck and keep it up. Sounds like you are on the right track!0 -
Holycrap that sounds terrible!!
I have really found that when the world gets you down, my MFP buddies will lift me up. No matter what. I took before and after pictures and I show them to EVERYONE! I would ignore your sister, avoid her at all cost. Like Mother's day. Tell your mom you want to do something special with JUST her, and your sister can do her own thing.
What a horrible person. I am so sorry0 -
I am a very new member here, but it seems like there are a lot of great people here who are in the process of dropping weight and getting fit or have accomplished their goals, and I thought maybe some of you have had similar experiences and could help me with my problem.
All my life I have had weight problems. My sister and mother both pride themselves on their 80-90 pound bodies and laugh, pick on me, make snide comments, or feel it's ok to disrespect me for being a fat disgusting slob.
last year at a family get together, my mother gave me a size 4x( size 28-30W) shirt for a present. I was shocked as yes I was fat at a size 16/18, but I certainly was not a 4x. They both giggled uncontrollably when I opened the present.
My sister has a regular habit of taking the worst pictures of me and tagging me on facebook. It's always the picture of when I bend over to pick something up, or right as I put a bite of food in my mouth. I always leave family get togethers feeling worse about myself.
My husband told my sister, don't take pictures of her and post them on facebook, but to no avail. It seems like she relishes putting up the grossest pictures of me on facebook and tagging me. Once I asked her to see the pics she took and picked one out that wasn't terrible and said if you must post on facebook, please post this one, or nothing at all. When I got home, the picture of me that looked decent was not posted, instead she had gotten some even more mortifying ones and posted those.
After that humiliating experience, I decided enough was enough. I dusted off my bike, located my old running shoes, and made a decision that from that day forward not one bite of fast food would ever pass my lips again.
Fast forward to a year later. I now average 100 miles running a month and 200 miles cycling a month, and have lost over 50 pounds, yet am still no where near my goal weight. My sister and many of my friends, are not happy about my weight loss.
I hear a mix of you run too much, or don't bike so much, or you'll blow your knees out if you try and run a half marathon, or you can't do this, or on the flip side, giggles and snide comments on how I think I'm losing weight but that Im still too fat.
My sister giggles and makes fun of me about my intentions on getting slim. She still tries hard to get the worst picture of me. for example, at the last get together, she waited until cake was served and literally whipped her camera out from under the table and Snap right as I took a bite! My poor husband had been on picture watch and was supposed to jump in front of me at the sight of her cam, but she was sneaky quick and he was caught off guard.
I finally got so depressed looking at these terrible pictures of myself on her facebook page, I deleted her, so at the very least I don't have to see these pictures or see her giggling snide comments on them. I even tried explaining to her, look, I am trying very hard to lose the weight and it hurts terribly that you choose to take and post the worst pictures of me on facebook. She just rolles her eyes and said if you don't like it, change yourself. I also explained that I have been doing something and it takes a long time to lose the weight.
while my mother has finally come around saying that I look great, and that she was impressed I managed to do a half marathon, even if it was only at a 12 min per mile pace, My sister is still trying to enlist my mother in making fun of me.
It is now time to start planning a date for mother's day celebration, and ever since, I've noticed I have been craving bad foods. I have anxiety/ depression over the idea of getting together with her and her camera as I have not achieved my weight loss goal.
Does anyone have similar problems? and if so what do you do about toxic family who try and undermine your success?
Not saying you have to do this but if it was me i would stop talking to them completely, cut them out of my life and continue my weight loss journey with out them. they are mean people and you dont' need them.0 -
I would probably consider spending time with your Mother seperately for Mother's day and void sister. Maybe other family members would put pressure on her to grow up. She must feel threatened to be acting so disrespectfully of someone she is supposed to care about. Talk openly to your Mother now that she is supporting you and tell her you will not subject yourself to that treatment. Your husband sounds awesome!!!0
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You need to remove yourself from this situation until they figure out what b!tches they are being. Seriously. I understand that this is your family, but cut them out of your life until they get it. Don't communicate with them, don't do things for them, live for yourself. It's hard at first, but it is so liberating and freeing. People like that are truly toxic and it will only do you more harm than good to stick around and take their sh.it. There will come a point when they will wake up one morning and realize, "da.mn, I've been a HORRIBLE mother/sister." Then, it will be on THEM to make the first step to forgiveness/change. Right now, live for yourself. It's okay to do that. You got this.
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You need to cut your family out of your life.
There's nothing but evil intent there.0 -
I am SO SO sorry that you have such horribly hateful people around you. I have not dealt with that myself, but do know the troubles of losing weight. Please feel free to add me if you'd like and I promise to give you nothing but encouragement and smiles.
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Cut.them.out.of.your.life.now. You are settling into the role of victim time and time again.. they've manipulated you so much to the point where you feel you have to play this "role" or they won't like you/love you anymore. They are abusers. People want to keep you "down" beneath them on the so called hierarchy, and now that you are rising above they are so threatened. This is a battle for your life.. it has NOTHING to do with them. Keeping these soul vampires around is just making your battle twice as hard. Please. You can be free of them. Your mother certainly does not deserve your presence at Mother's Day because her behavior is not that of a mother it is the very antithesis. Please. I too have suffered from an abusive/manipulative mother all my life and my heart aches for you. Please.0
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You need to remove yourself from this situation until they figure out what b!tches they are being. Seriously. I understand that this is your family, but cut them out of your life until they get it. Don't communicate with them, don't do things for them, live for yourself. It's hard at first, but it is so liberating and freeing. People like that are truly toxic and it will only do you more harm than good to stick around and take their sh.it. There will come a point when they will wake up one morning and realize, "da.mn, I've been a HORRIBLE mother/sister." Then, it will be on THEM to make the first step to forgiveness/change. Right now, live for yourself. It's okay to do that. You got this.
totally agree. your sister sounds like a really mean person. that is awful. maybe your mom is savable but your sister sounds like a real jerk.0 -
Wow. If I had your family I would disown them. And I mean that. I would rather be healthy, and confident with out them; than to be miserable with them. The issue seems to be theirs; not yours. Bye, Bye. I have two older sisters that I have cut out of my life (for worse reasons), and I am happy about that decison everyday. You can't fix stupid. Don't give your power over to this idiots. You have the right, and more so, the obligation to look out for you. Life is about choices. What's your choice?0
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You've lost 50 lb, are fit enough to run and cycle an impressive amount, and you are on MFP where you will learn as much as you want about health and fitness. Focus on these positives. Perhaps you could manage to have a Mother's Day celebration with just your Mom, and be "busy" on the day your sister is available. There are usually lots of fun runs on Mother's Day...maybe that would be an alternative. Whatever, you can't change other people...just yourself. Obviously, your sister has issues.
Keep up the great work!0 -
Wow so sorry you have to deal with that. I would make it clear to them that you do not need toxic people in your life and, that if they do not change you will have no choice but cute them out.
Hug0 -
Disconnect, she treats you that way because you allow it. If you do not go around her she no longer has the opportunity. Then get yourself fit and go on with your life without feeling like a failure, your sister is a *****, everyone will see it soon enough!0
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It sounds like you are starting to do what you need to do with your sister. As hard as it sounds, you can't let her determine your worth. Ignore the pictures, posts, and comments. If you have friends that are the same way, sweetie, it is time to look for new friends. Those are not your friends if they are making rude comments about you and saying and doing mean things to you. Until you realize your true worth, it is easy to let others determine it for us. If you have it available to you, I would suggest some counseling. It can be truly liberating to get yourself back! Best of luck!0
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I think if you can it might be helpful to see a counselor to discuss this situation. Basically, you're being emotionally abused and harassed.
You deserve the best, and your sister is insistent on giving you the worst. She's intentionally trying to hurt you, and you've made your feelings known, so it's pretty hard to believe she wants to do the right thing.
In a strange way, your losing weight might be threatening your sister's identity; she's afraid if she's not the thin one anymore, then who will she be? How will she feel superior? And, how will she bond with your mother?
If it's any help to you, I've gone through some similar things with my older sister and late mother, but it wasn't as obvious. It was more a death of a thousand cuts.
Hang in there, you're doing great and you will find lots of support here in your life, as you lose weight. There may be a friend or someone else you haven't noticed yet, who can be a huge fan of your efforts.0 -
I'm sorry to hear that, its very hurtful i know. My mother has always been small and made comments, my dad thinks every female should look like barbie. I'm so glad to hear your husband sticks up for you. You really need to stick up for your self, dont let your sister treat you that way. YOu can do it, you taken the first step and you have your husband and all of us on MFP backing you up. Good luck.0
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Sounds like your sister is desperately trying to find someone she sees as worse than her to make herself feel better about some inferior part in herself. She is the kind of girl who is painfully superficial and always wanting to have someone around that she can make herself feel superior to. The fact that youre loosing weight and actually doing things to make yourself better is angering to her because she is loosing the edge she has over you. The best thing to do is to keep going with your good streak because come a year later and 100+ pounds gone and nice lean muscle and healthy lifestyle that you are in will make you the prime example of "You are only pretty on the outside, outside pretty can be changed, but your inside are the fattest piece of crap that I think I will ever see, dear sister." Now, be nicer when you tell that to her, dont turn into her lol. And if keeping with the great goings to show her up isnt your style, then keep at it for yourself and your husband. Thats the important part right? To make yourself healthier for the ones you care for?0
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I found you have to be very abrupt with these type of people. They are usually insecure within themselves and always try to bring other down to their level.
I was once told by one of my former employers who had few friends; "I don't have a heck of alot of close frineds, but the ones I have I can count on. I surround myself with people that give me positive influence and will help me achieve my goals."
I have also tld my 17 year old that when you get to be my age, 53, you will be lucky if you have more than a handfull of people in your life thatyou can truly count on.
That IS what is important to me not how many firends you have, how many you can count on. 0 -
I have to say congrats you're doing great feel free to add me if you would like a supportive friend! On the other hand this is NOT how family should treat each other I have had to cut family members out not because of weight issues but just because they were toxic. I think your sister is going to find something else to pick on once the weight all comes off and you meet your goal... Don't let it get you down just know that you're awesome and eiether she'll come around or she won't. Do this for YOU! Best of luck to you!0
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I think you need to stand up for yourself. If your family is this disrespectful I would stop going to events with them. Being related by blood does not give them the right to treat you this way. Obviously your sister has some serious self-esteem issues or she wouldn't feel the need to continually point out what is "supposedly" wrong with you. Maybe she needs a taste of her own medicine. When she makes a comment about your weight, say something about how you are changing that - but what is she doing about the fact that she is a hateful *****. Instead of being hurt or withdrawing when she insults you .. make a comment about how you hate it that she can only feel good about herself by saying mean things to you. Even saying, what will you do to feel better, when I do reach my goal weight.
Do not allow her to control you with her insecurites.
There is a great book called "the four agreements" ... look up the summary online. Here is the one that applies:
Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. We take things personally when we agree with what others have said. If we didn't agree, the things that others say would not affect us emotionally. If we did not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior could not affect us.
Even if someone yells at you, gossips about you, harms you or yours, it still is not about you! Their actions and words are based on what they believe in their personal dream.
Our personal “Book of Law†and belief system makes us feel safe. When people have beliefs that are different from our own, we get scared, defend ourselves, and impose our point of view on others. If someone gets angry with us it is because our belief system is challenging their belief system and they get scared. They need to defend their point of view. Why become angry, create conflict, and expend energy arguing when you are aware of this?0 -
Send your "sister" a message; un-friend her immediately. You don't need her. If that was my sister, she'd have got a punch in the face by now. And keep going. everything you do to improve you is a step in the right direction.0
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Your sister ought to seek help. She's got massive problems whether she admits it or otherwise.
Well done for getting to where you are today... and not killing your sister. :-D0 -
That is horrible!!! I can't fathom why anyone, especially your own sister, would enjoy tormenting someone!!!! Either she is jealous of you for something or she is truly a sick person. Honestly, I would cut her out of my life. Yes, she's family, but she's certainly not acting like it. My family has issues and we argue, but her behavior is intolerable. Stand up for yourself and tell her you aren't going to take it! If I were you, I would celebrate mother's day with your mom separately.0
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What an awful sister! Whether she's in your life anymore is up to you, of course, but at least feel free to decide how often that is, without any guilt or qualms.
When I saw the post title, I thought maybe I'd be in the category of underminers (I love baking but try to give as much as possible away to avoid temptation, which probably helps derail other people's diets), but this is another plane entirely! Good luck to you, and I hope you find a supportive group of friends who will cheer you and take amazing pics of you!0 -
Please utilize your privacy settings on FB, or ....delete them. Also, so sorry you have to go through this with your family. Be strong, and continue on your journey.0
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Not saying you have to do this but if it was me i would stop talking to them completely, cut them out of my life and continue my weight loss journey with out them. they are mean people and you dont' need them.
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I had toxic friends and family, not with my weight loss but a few years ago. I removed them from my life. I felt if they truly loved me for me than they wouldn't treat me so poorly. When I stopped contact with them a few wondered why, I explained how I felt and those few apologized and made efforts to be less mean. I'm sorry you this to deal with.
I think it was Dr. Seuss that said "those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"0 -
I'm so sorry you're going through this! It's easy for someone on the outside to give the advice to cut these people out of your life but I'm sure there are reasons why you haven't done so already (I don't have as toxic of a situation as yours is but I have some issues I'm dealing with right now and plenty of people giving me "advice" like that). You will figure out what is best for you and your situation. I do like the suggestions that you do something with your mom on your own for Mother's Day to remove the stress of your sister being there. Maybe you could do something the weekend before or after, or the day before or after, so that you aren't giving your sister any more reason to be mad (i.e. you're "stealing" your mom for the day, etc).
I'm so glad to hear that your husband is supportive - sounds like you definitely need a support system right now! Feel free to add me if you'd like some support on here - I'm pretty active with my MFP friends 0 -
Wow, that is just horrifying.. Family is supposed to be the ones that love you unconditionally and support you no matter what. It's sad to hear that your sister is this way, at this point, I would say she's jealous of the fact that you are making a change for the better and she can't stand it.
I have personally cut people out of my life, not for them undermining my weight loss but for them being bad people. Family as well, the family is always the hardest but when you put so much into a relationship and get nothing back from it, is it worth it??? My mother is an unhealthy person and would always put herself first, not that she didn't love her children, I just don't think she loved us enough. If it involved something that would be difficult for her to handle, emotionally or physically, she wouldn't even consider it. I now don't speak to her, I don't want to sit there and love someone with all of my heart and do anything I could for them, when I know I'm not getting the same consideration back.
In my own opinion, the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation and refuse to let her see how much it hurts you.
I know.. all of this is easier said than done, but when it comes to your mental/physical health.. you have to take care of yourself first.0 -
Sister sounds like a nightmare. Just wondering, have you ever done the pic thing to her? Everyone can be framed to look ugly in a pic. If you took a few uglies of her and tagged her, would she get the point. I don't mean just a tit for tat, see, there I showed you kind of thing. Well, a little. But really, maybe she doesn't get how humiliating this is. I hate having my picture taken, and it has nothing to do with weight. I just don't take good pics. I'd be mad as heck!0
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