Ladies - Would you date someone who is divorced?
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You don't agree????? You think they should have stayed with the abusive spouse? Nothing could have made me stay with my ex, I'll spare you the details, but when dealt the "abusive card" as you call it the only option to fold the cards & run.No.
Because I date to get married, and I am not promising "till death" to someone who has already illustrated that marraige doesn't mean that.
I agree, but... I would at least find out the reasons. My husband's first wife left him for another man. He had no choice in the matter. They went to marriage counseling (he thought to save their marriage), and there she revealed that she was already pregnant with the other guy's baby. It was over, and she had no intention of coming back. It was devastating to him precisely because, to him, marriage *does* mean "til death do us part."
Not to say he was perfect or that none of their problems were his fault. But he wanted to fix them, and she didn't give him a choice.
I don't agree with everyone who jumped to the "abusive marriage" card. The vast majority of marriages do NOT end because of abuse. The vast majority of divorces are just because someone decided they didn't want to be married anymore. When I married my husband, I made a conscious decision to stay with him for the rest of my life, no matter what. I wouldn't risk making a commitment like that with someone who didn't feel the same way.
And just so you know, my own parents divorced because of physical abuse. It's precisely because I know how devastating the fallout of divorce can be (especially when kids are involved) even when there is a *very good* reason, that I would never do something so drastic just because "feelings changed."
You misunderstand. I didn't say I don't agree with getting divorced because of abuse. What I said is that *most* divorces have nothing to do with abuse, so it's almost a red herring to jump on someone who said she is against divorce by saying, "Well what about those less than 1% of people who have a good reason??" The vast majority of divorces are just because the people involved don't want to be married anymore***. If you're going to have a discussion on divorce, it's much more productive to talk about the 99% than the 1%.
I also said that even when there is a *very good* reason for divorce, it is still a hurtful and awful thing to go through. I know that would have MUCH rather had my dad decide to be a good person rather than having my parents divorce, but obviously that wasn't an option. Divorce in the case of abuse is choosing the better of two evils -- like shooting someone because they tried to rape you.
In fact, that's a perfect analogy. This conversation is like if someone said, "I'm against shooting people in the head," and other people called her selfish and evil because, "It could be self-defense!" And then I came in and said, "I've shot someone in self-defense, and even though it's a good reason, taking a life is still a horrible thing to go through. It definitely made me feel like I would never shoot someone just because I was annoyed at them." Although, of course, shooting someone is a lot harsher than just getting a divorce, so just consider that hyperbole in making my point.
*** And I guess that's fine for them, but it's certainly not what I want, and I'm not going to even consider marrying someone if we're not on the same page on this. Which is what the woman everybody was jumping on actually said.0 -
I absolutely would with no hesitation. Bonus points if he has kids and puts them first.0
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short answer, yes0
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Yep -- because I would hope that I wouldn't have a stigma attached to me, as I'm divorced too.
Marriages fail.... people learn. I think I'm a better person for my marriage AND divorce. I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I actually tend to favor divorced men over men that have never been married. At my age, almost 40, if a man has never been married it raises a red flag. I know there are reasons, but I tend to shy away from never-married men.0 -
Yes, I'm dating a man who is divorced, and has a kid, and I love them both soooo much. But it is hard. I had this conversation with my bf a couple days ago after reading a different divorce thread. I know him - I know if he ever asks me to marry him he will mean it with every bit that he has. But didn't he mean it the first time? I know he did. And his situation was one where they were essentially roommates - no abuse, nothing wrong, just not meant to be. That's hard for me to deal with. What if we get married and at some point we grow apart. How much work is going to go into it before deciding it's just 'not working'? It scares me to death to know that that's so often the reason, and that divorce is an option so often taken. He told me that he saw an opportunity to make 3 people's lives better (his, ex's, and daughter's), and that clicked for me. I agree that he made the right choice, but I still struggle.
I definitely think no one should ever stay in an abusive marriage. It's awful that it happens as much as it does, and I support divorce in that circumstance. And I definitely think everyone has the right to be happy and to make mistakes. However, I still believe very strongly that 'til death do us part' is just what that means. We are going to date for a good long time, and then be engaged for a good long time before getting married. I want to wait til I'm a little older (I'm only 23 now), and make sure we've spent enough time developing ourselves as well as our relationship, and at least feel like I have a good idea of how we're both changing - working toward the same goals or different ones. Because once I'm married I want to be able to know that even if we're having a rough day, or month, or year, that it's only a small percentage of the 50 we're going to spend together happily. And I want to feel the satisfaction of knowing we stuck it out, that I know well the changed person he's become over all those years, and can still see and value the part of him that hasn't changed that I fell in love with to begin with.
Maybe this is me living in a world of rainbows, but whatever. He said that if anything the divorce made him more aware and careful of ever marrying again, and that if he did that would be the end - no more divorces. So I guess it's not a totally negative outcome that he went through it because that made him the person he is today - more determined to make the marriage work, which is definitely a good thing to me. But to the people giving the ones who believe marriage is 'til death' a hard time, just know it's scary to be one of those and then see marriages falling apart everywhere. The last thing I want to do is adopt the mindset that divorce is no big deal and then not put full effort into my marriage, even subconsciously. I'll keep my fairy tale mindset as long as I can.
I think what you're feeling here is completely understandable. I like your point that if he said "I do" to you, he'd mean it with all his heart -- but he also meant it last time. It's definitely something to consider.
I think that the best thing to do is continue the conversation you have already started. Be clear with him about your feelings, and ask him to be completely honest about his. I'm sure that he's an intelligent man, and he can understand that you don't want to go down the same path as his first marriage (if you *tell* him so). Both of you should seriously consider how you would feel if you ended up in a situation like his first marriage, and ask yourselves if you can honestly promise to work through that. If you come to a point where you can both say honestly, without reservation, that you are willing to commit to the rest of your lives, I'd go for it. That's really the best you can ask for.0 -
No. I have never been married and I'm not sure I would want my first relationship to be with someone who has baggage from a previous marriage (that obviously had issues since it didn't work out).0
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Yep -- because I would hope that I wouldn't have a stigma attached to me, as I'm divorced too.
Marriages fail.... people learn. I think I'm a better person for my marriage AND divorce. I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I actually tend to favor divorced men over men that have never been married. At my age, almost 40, if a man has never been married it raises a red flag. I know there are reasons, but I tend to shy away from never-married men.
^^^^ That.
The assumption that everyone that is divorced has "baggage" or is somehow "damaged" is insulting and ludicrous. I know PLENTY of single people that have extensive baggage and are all shades of screwed up.
Really. Dumb. Stereotype.0 -
Yep -- because I would hope that I wouldn't have a stigma attached to me, as I'm divorced too.
Marriages fail.... people learn. I think I'm a better person for my marriage AND divorce. I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I actually tend to favor divorced men over men that have never been married. At my age, almost 40, if a man has never been married it raises a red flag. I know there are reasons, but I tend to shy away from never-married men.
^^^^ That.
The assumption that everyone that is divorced has "baggage" or is somehow "damaged" is insulting and ludicrous. I know PLENTY of single people that have extensive baggage and are all shades of screwed up.
Really. Dumb. Stereotype.
I have yet to meet a male divorcee who doesn't have some serious baggage going on... so it's a stereotype that has proven true for me.
As for the singles, they have their issues too but they have proven to be far less difficult issues.0 -
Yes, I'm dating a man who is divorced, and has a kid, and I love them both soooo much. But it is hard. I had this conversation with my bf a couple days ago after reading a different divorce thread. I know him - I know if he ever asks me to marry him he will mean it with every bit that he has. But didn't he mean it the first time? I know he did. And his situation was one where they were essentially roommates - no abuse, nothing wrong, just not meant to be. That's hard for me to deal with. What if we get married and at some point we grow apart. How much work is going to go into it before deciding it's just 'not working'? It scares me to death to know that that's so often the reason, and that divorce is an option so often taken. He told me that he saw an opportunity to make 3 people's lives better (his, ex's, and daughter's), and that clicked for me. I agree that he made the right choice, but I still struggle.
I definitely think no one should ever stay in an abusive marriage. It's awful that it happens as much as it does, and I support divorce in that circumstance. And I definitely think everyone has the right to be happy and to make mistakes. However, I still believe very strongly that 'til death do us part' is just what that means. We are going to date for a good long time, and then be engaged for a good long time before getting married. I want to wait til I'm a little older (I'm only 23 now), and make sure we've spent enough time developing ourselves as well as our relationship, and at least feel like I have a good idea of how we're both changing - working toward the same goals or different ones. Because once I'm married I want to be able to know that even if we're having a rough day, or month, or year, that it's only a small percentage of the 50 we're going to spend together happily. And I want to feel the satisfaction of knowing we stuck it out, that I know well the changed person he's become over all those years, and can still see and value the part of him that hasn't changed that I fell in love with to begin with.
Maybe this is me living in a world of rainbows, but whatever. He said that if anything the divorce made him more aware and careful of ever marrying again, and that if he did that would be the end - no more divorces. So I guess it's not a totally negative outcome that he went through it because that made him the person he is today - more determined to make the marriage work, which is definitely a good thing to me. But to the people giving the ones who believe marriage is 'til death' a hard time, just know it's scary to be one of those and then see marriages falling apart everywhere. The last thing I want to do is adopt the mindset that divorce is no big deal and then not put full effort into my marriage, even subconsciously. I'll keep my fairy tale mindset as long as I can.
I think what you're feeling here is completely understandable. I like your point that if he said "I do" to you, he'd mean it with all his heart -- but he also meant it last time. It's definitely something to consider.
I think that the best thing to do is continue the conversation you have already started. Be clear with him about your feelings, and ask him to be completely honest about his. I'm sure that he's an intelligent man, and he can understand that you don't want to go down the same path as his first marriage (if you *tell* him so). Both of you should seriously consider how you would feel if you ended up in a situation like his first marriage, and ask yourselves if you can honestly promise to work through that. If you come to a point where you can both say honestly, without reservation, that you are willing to commit to the rest of your lives, I'd go for it. That's really the best you can ask for.
Yeah, luckily he is one of the insanely honest, knows what went wrong and can admit it, learned from the experience types. We communicate things, especially big ones like this, very well I think. None of this is anything I hold against him - how could I possibly? But it is something that is a little difficult for me to work through. Luckily he talks through it with me and helps : )
Yep -- because I would hope that I wouldn't have a stigma attached to me, as I'm divorced too.
Marriages fail.... people learn. I think I'm a better person for my marriage AND divorce. I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I actually tend to favor divorced men over men that have never been married. At my age, almost 40, if a man has never been married it raises a red flag. I know there are reasons, but I tend to shy away from never-married men.
While I understand this, I feel like saying you wouldn't be as interested in someone who has never been married is just as much of a discrimination as saying you're not as interested as someone who's been divorced. In either case you're basing a decision off previous relationship choices. There are endless possible reasons as to why he hasn't been married yet. And while in the end people have preferences on who they choose to date and everyone's entitled to make that decision at their own discretion, I just feel like I have to throw that out there. I believe people who have never been married have just as good a shot at making a marriage work as those who never have. If the divorce rate is 50% (which I haven't checked recently), that means half the time you only need one marriage - no 'starter' required.0 -
I was seeing a man who was seperated, then started dating him. ~"We" then went through a 5 yr. divorce :grumble: & then I married him! 0
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I would definitely date somebodies ex wife. That is super hot!0
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Just because a person is divorced doesn't mean they are "damaged" or "bad" it just means things changed. For some the choice to leave takes courage (speaking for myself after an abusive marriage), unfortunately the Hollywood "celebs" do tend to lead a bad example. I actually heard friends say as she and her new hubby were walking out of the church "oh, well if it doesn't work we can just divorce" :noway:
My guy and I are both divorcees and he is the sweetest, nicest person I know :blushing:0 -
Well, being single myself, a divorced man is preferred to married men (actually a must), lol. Unfortunately, there are several of us in the "divorced" category.0
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If they were the right person for me and if I were single.
My current husband married me knowing I was already married once, thank god for him 0 -
Yes, but never with kids under 18. And if he's been divorced more than twice
Both very valid points. I know it is terrible, but I can't help thinking to myself there must be something that wasn't up to par, and that is why someone let him go. $hitty and really dumb, I know, since plenty of single people are just as faulty.0 -
I did, and married him. 0
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Yes, cause if i was dating anyone other than my husband, i'd be divorced as well. One of my best friends is divorced and she has no shortage of men asking her out. 'i'm divorced and have kids' doesn't seem to phase most of them.0
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No.
Because I date to get married, and I am not promising "till death" to someone who has already illustrated that marraige doesn't mean that.
Not to belittle your opinion, but from a lot of perspectives this is silly. For example...my ex wife didn't exactly give me a choice. The only way it would have been 'till death do us part' is if I had committed suicide before the freaking divorce was final. I managed to drag it out two years (while in the divorce process no less) trying to work things out and keep it all together. She was having none of it.
So did it mean I didn't mean 'till death do us part' when I said it? Should I never date or remarry, because the person I chose the first time didn't mean it when she said it?
My last ex...we were together seven years...with two kids. I WOULDN'T marry her due to some very serious issues that came up after the birth of our second child (if she had got the help she needed, I would have in a heartbeat)...specifically because I swore to myself I'd never be divorced again. IF I ever remarry, it'll be because I'm 150% certain SHE'S telling the truth with the 'till death do us part' thing, or because I'm going to be dying soon anyhow, so it doesn't really freaking matter.
I always hate when people judge other people on their past life circumstances...which often they had no control over. I mean, being divorced isn't like they murdered bunnies for awhile and then reformed, but could always have a relapse. Judge people on their value as a human being, on the choices they make that DIDN'T have to be based on someone elses choices to succeed...not on things they very well may have had no control over.0 -
Yep -- because I would hope that I wouldn't have a stigma attached to me, as I'm divorced too.
Marriages fail.... people learn. I think I'm a better person for my marriage AND divorce. I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I actually tend to favor divorced men over men that have never been married. At my age, almost 40, if a man has never been married it raises a red flag. I know there are reasons, but I tend to shy away from never-married men.
^^^^ That.
The assumption that everyone that is divorced has "baggage" or is somehow "damaged" is insulting and ludicrous. I know PLENTY of single people that have extensive baggage and are all shades of screwed up.
Really. Dumb. Stereotype.
You are, by the way...
Fabulous that is.0 -
Of course! The person matters to me, not their past dating history.0
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