Folks who are divorced/divorcing...
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No, I'm right.
Amiright? Or amiright??Would everyone agree that having read their text messages beforehand would have prevented a lot of heartbreak later? Am I right?
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By asking divorced people you are of course going to get biased answers that just intensify your fear of marriage.
A. Don't get get married if you don't want to. But you do have to be honest with him. He will have to decide what he wants more, being with you, or being married.
B. Marriage can be wonderful and successful. I've been with my husband 10 years (he's in my default picture actually). We are pretty damn happy even though our lives are incredibly chaotic. People do grow, and change though time but the marriage can grow and change with it. You just have to be in constant communication. If something is bothering you, you bring it up and everyone works on it. Romance has to be maintained (flirting, "dates", talking about the future, hopes, dreams ect). You can't neglect your sex life either (ours is the best it's every been). Each of use have our own lives and identities together and outside of our families and we each support that for the other. It really can be really great, even for an extended period of time.0 -
This happened to me during my first wedding. I was standing there thinking "I should say no".Second marriage, just really stupid of me, never should have happened. I remember at the wedding thinking..."what am I doing?" If you are not absolutely sure you want to be married then don't do it.
Kudos to him for bringing it up... HE wants to know were you stand.
Figure out where you stand, and give him an honest answer, even if the answer is "I don't know." If it's meant to be, a piece of paper or a party to celebrate the piece of paper will not change anything.
edited for grammar0 -
IDK if you are asking the right group. Maybe you should be asking happily married folks too. :ohwell:
Agree... maybe tips from married folks would be a more positive response.
I think you can pretty much summarize that most of the divorces could have be prevented had they listened to their own instinct telling them it wasn't right and this wasn't the person for them.
I knew and but took a leap of faith only to wish I had listened to myself.0 -
Married for 3 1/2 years.
He was my best friend for 3 1/2 years before that.
I had no misgivings because I naively assumed that the things that bothered me would clear themselves up when we were married (ladies - you cannot CHANGE a man. He is the way he is, take it or leave it, or encourage growth, but don't expect him to change for you).
Divorce should be finalized a little over a month from now. He didn't contest anything, but it's not been a pretty situation to say the least.
The thing is, marriage IS supposed to be forever, so if you aren't sure, don't do it. You have to be willing to give it 110%.
both need to be willing to give 110% for it to work. 12 years married and it's had its ups and downs.0 -
First marriage was a complete disaster. Got married after dating for 3 months (yeah I was a stupid 19 year old who never thought anything bad was going to happen to her...) When we moved away from my family and support system, he turned into an abusive *kitten*. We were together for 3 years before I finally got up the courage to walk out on him.
Second marriage MUCH BETTER! We have our moments and man he gets under my skin in a way that no one else can, but he takes care of me like no one else does. We've been together for 5 years, married for 4.
I honestly think it depends on how much work you and your spouse are willing to put into your marriage. There have been times that I've wanted to walk out on my current husband but he's always there fighting to keep us together. I think things are harder for us because of the abuse and my fear of ending up like that again but we're doing it. Good luck with whatever decision you make!0 -
There's no sure way to tell. My parents were married 28 years (after several years of dating), pretty much achieved the "American Dream." Last year they went through the most bitter and vicious divorce I have ever witnessed, to my complete surprise. Even knowing them my whole life, I was shocked by how they acted (and still act); they hate each other now.
You can't live for what might eventually happen, just take things as they come.0 -
I was married October 2007 & called it quits by Feb 2009. My relationship was rocky from day one, He was an *kitten*, but once we got married he thought that he "owned me" and the way he treated me got worse and worse. He was making plans with girl 10+ years younger that him behind my back & I eventually saw in his email that he had joined a dating website & had the nerve to tell me "that's not me"... his saying on the site was "if you can keep a secret, you can keep me"...lol... Wow, That when I called it quits & moved out & filed for divorce (should have left alot sooner BUT I guess I always thought things would get better)
Would I get married again? Highly unlikely. But that's just me.0 -
Would everyone agree that having read their text messages beforehand would have prevented a lot of heartbreak later? Am I right?
You are so incredibly right. Ex boyfriends/lovers/guys too. damn technology. makes it so easy.0 -
Together for a year but knew each other since we were 17 and 15.. got married at 22 and 20.
Things did change after we were married on both our parts. We definately married too young and for the wrong reasons. He was completely in love/ infatuated as was I, but it was very codependent as well. That got old after a while... and yeah then he started cheating.
We were married for 10 years. The big cheating incident happened 3/4 years before I finally pulled the damn plug. Best decision ever!!!
Honestly, nobody can tell you what will happen. You don't even know. If you would have told me when I was walking down the aisle during my beautiful wedding that my husband (now ex) would be cheating on me in a year and a half (1st was emotional affair with an ex), I would have betted you my life that you had the wrong guy.
You just never know. You can live in fear and protected but that's the not the beauty of love. It's being free.
But like someone else said, if you're not ready- don't do it. Simple.
Ex moved out in Oct of last year. I've never been happier. I'm not sure if I'll ever remarry but if I do, it'll be because the guy rocks my world in every single way. Even then, I'll walk in knowing that he could fail me and while it'd shock me that he'd cheat on me, my world will never be shaken the way it did when I found out my ex did what he did. I'm now aware that we are all human and I can't put my life in someone elses hands. I'm not bitter, just realistic.0 -
I've been married twice and divorced once.
Next month we will celebrate 8 years. We were both married before and had kids in the first marriages. Having a blended family is hard. We have been thru alot because of outside influences, ex's * MIL's We've been thru rough patches and lots of happy times too. I love him more then I ever thought possible, when we met we made sure each of us knew our kids came before ANY one else.
No relationship is perfect.
If you start to feel like as a couple you are having more bad days then good, its time to reassess your relationship. Marriage is hard and it takes lots of work. GOOD LUCK!0 -
I was with my ex for 2 years before we got married. We were married for 7 before he started cheating, or I found out...
I'm currently married to the most wonderful man in the world.
You have to decide for yourself what is right for you. :flowerforyou:0 -
HS sweethearts...so together forever by the time we got married when we were 27/28
No doubt at the time
Things only changed after we had kids...in mid 30's..than he became a cheating pig..came as a COMPLETE surprise.....
Take it slow if that is what you want...no rush..if you feel at all like something is missing or doesnt feel right...DONT DO IT!!!!!
good luck!
Agreed.
Basically same thing here. We were together 11 years. Married for 6. Got married at 18/19. 2 kids and Iraqi Freedom tour later...it all fell apart. He became a cheater and abusive. We've been divorced 3 years now, and he still sends me texts talking about how he misses "us". It messed me up pretty bad. :"( I don't trust men. Not just cause of him. He was the one I thought I could trust. I thought he loved me, and never EVER thought we wouldn't be together, but here we are. Looking back, there were things I ignored. Hindsights 20/20 they say. Open your eyes to everything, do not excuse anything...trust your gut and ultimately Pray.
I don't think all men are dogs...just most of them.
I do believe there are good guys out there...somewhere. You may very well have found one. I hope so!!! 0 -
I've been divorced like five years - and I'm getting remarried in about six weeks. Marriage is and definitely can be a really wonderful thing if you find the right person. My exH was the right person for a pretty long time - but when things went bad, they were BAD. We were better people without each other. My current fiancee is amazing, and as a much older and wiser woman, I am fairly certain we've got it right. But, we didn't rush anything. We dated for a year before moving in together, and just celebrated our four year date-iversary. We took our time and weathered a few storms together before making a huge commitment like marriage.0
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we were together six years before marriage. Married eight...divorce will be done next month. Looking back I think I always knew it wasn't going to work. we led seperate lives...once we had a child it was like we were roommates. Now we never really fought, and still get along now (except when his head it up his booty).
Most of our family and friends were caught off gaurd by the split as well. We kept a lot of thing quiet and just between us. even the friends I confided in didnt know the full extent of the unhappiness.
But, at least for me...the good years we had, even if not ideal, I wouldnt change for anything.
I agree 100% with everything you said except having a child brought us closer, marriage turned us into roommates.0 -
HS Sweethearts that got married a year after graduation. Found out he was cheating on my after I was in a major car accident Divorced 6 months later. Total lenght of marrage was 4.5 years.0
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Omg! Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait!!!
If he wants to know 7.5 months into the relationship if you want to get married in a few years say NO. Period. End of story. Then the ball is in his court to decide to stick around or not. Why should you have to try and predict the future? You are young and to me it is a red flag he wants that kind of commitment so early. Does he want involved in most aspects of your life?
My experience? Married after 1 year dating. Divorced. Married after 18 months dating. Divorced. Married after 5 years. Still married 26 years later.
And trust me i knew i was making those first 2 mistakes but us silly women think things will be better after marriage. And it will. It will be worse.
Dont be guilt tripped into anything. Ever!0 -
We were together 3 years prior to marrying, thought it was great. He stayed faithful the first year of marriage and cheated the next three. We seperated last year and divorced.
But I have seen some great marriages also, just wasn't in the cards for me.0 -
my parents met only 2 months before they got married. my mom was engaged to another guy at the time, whom she had been dating for a couple years. my dad was THE ONE, and she knew it in a short enough amount of time even after already being engaged. theyve been married 26 years now and they always will be. they give me hope
im deeply in love with my boyfriend and we've been together about a year and 4 months now. i know he's the one, forever. and we've talked about getting married but thats in the future. the reason i know that marriage would not be a mistake with us is that i couldnt image myself with anyone else, and if he wasnt in my life it would be entirely empty. ive never felt that way about anyone before.
my advice is, if you have to wonder if youd want to marry the guy, DONT GET MARRIED. so many people actually think its the right thing to do and then it doesnt work out. if theres any doubt, its wrong. also, the fact that youve only been together 8 months and he's bugging you for a decision just shows how youre not on the same page.. also its strange for a guy to behave that way- not saying its wrong or bad, but it should be taken into consideration as a warning sign.0 -
Hello I'm not divorced but have been married for 27 years!!I married at 18 and only dated for a year before we met!To young!!But i know that u really need to listen to your gut and never settle!!!:)0
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Omg! Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait!!!
If he wants to know 7.5 months into the relationship if you want to get married in a few years say NO. Period. End of story. Then the ball is in his court to decide to stick around or not. Why should you have to try and predict the future? You are young and to me it is a red flag he wants that kind of commitment so early. Does he want involved in most aspects of your life?
My experience? Married after 1 year dating. Divorced. Married after 18 months dating. Divorced. Married after 5 years. Still married 26 years later.
And trust me i knew i was making those first 2 mistakes but us silly women think things will be better after marriage. And it will. It will be worse.
Dont be guilt tripped into anything. Ever!
THANK YOU!
He tells me how he's such a great guy and he's a catch and there won't be another guy like him around...and he's probably right. I mean he worships the ground I walk on, he would do anything for me, and wants commitment and a family. We have a TON of stuff in common--music, hobbies, love for animals, values.
Basically, I'm dating myself, but from 3 years ago. I was also very clingy, demanding, emotional, and sensitive. I don't know what to do when he cries! Which happens often! And he babytalks the animals which drives me nuts. And he passes gas around me even though he knows I can't stand it. And he used to throw tantrums but thankfully he's stopped that.
I love to hang out with him and we laugh together a lot. But I would rather be his friend than sign up to be his wife in 2 months.0 -
I think the worst part is that he's so sweet to me all the time. There's really no reason why I shouldn't want to marry him, and I thought I wanted to in the beginning, but then he became totally dependent on me. He's so focused on being with someone I feel bad for him. He's afraid of being alone but I'm not, and he knows it, and it upsets him. He's very romantic and I'm more realistic. He thinks I need to seek therapy because I'm uncomfortable around him when he cries and I don't want to think about marriage now.0
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I love to hang out with him and we laugh together a lot. But I would rather be his friend than sign up to be his wife in 2 months.
Yeah, um that's not a good sign.
I want a best friend as well but one that I want to *kitten* non-stop (yes, I've been married before and I know we all go through dry spells but I should still tingle in my pants for him!!!). If you rather be his friend than wife (no matter for how long).. there's your answer hun.0 -
Maybe I'm just slow about these things, but I didn't know I wanted to marry my husband until we'd been together a couple of years. I'd been with other people that long and broken up, so at some level, I think I was waiting until after the 2 year mark. *shrug*0
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I love to hang out with him and we laugh together a lot. But I would rather be his friend than sign up to be his wife in 2 months.
Yeah, um that's not a good sign.
I want a best friend as well but one that I want to *kitten* non-stop (yes, I've been married before and I know we all go through dry spells but I should still tingle in my pants for him!!!). If you rather be his friend than wife (no matter for how long).. there's your answer hun.
I agree... that's just, not how I would want someone I want to marry to feel about me.0 -
He throws tantrums and babytalks??
I mean... to each their own... but I wouldn't want to hump that either.0 -
What a depressing thread. All these divorce stories. So sad. :frown:0
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What a depressing thread. All these divorce stories. So sad. :frown:
Yes, it is sad. But a topic about divorce is likely to be full of divorcees 0 -
He throws tantrums and babytalks??
I mean... to each their own... but I wouldn't want to hump that either.
LMAO, well, I have nothing more to say then ditto ^^0 -
He throws tantrums and babytalks??
I mean... to each their own... but I wouldn't want to hump that either.
Yea... today I came clean to him about the frequent crying. And he knows I don't tolerate the tantrums; almost broke up over that about a month ago.
It sounds awful, but...sometimes I feel to masculine around him. Sex hasn't really been happening...at all...partly because of my medication but also because of this stuff.0
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