Z. Class that causes me marriage stress part II.

Well some of you may remember me! (I'm the guy who wanted to cut his hands off in another topic, involving the gym, my wife, and my lifting schedule) Several of you recommended that I go to Zumba Class, at first I thought you guys were just card carrying members of the crazies club. After 7 days of the scorn of my wife (Which involved neat tricks like the skin from her face melting and turning into a fire breathing skeleton head to my laundry getting turned pink Yes pink, my favorite gym shirt is now pink.) I've realized maybe you guys aren't the crazy club members I need to watch out for. I decided, okay I can give Zumba a try against ALL my MANLY INSTINCTS telling me.. NO JR.... Doing Zumba will be something you will regret. I didn't listen to my man power, I just didn't listen....

So I put on my work out clothes (A t-shirt I cut the arms off and some thick wind breakers) and my wife comes out of our bedroom wearing what one can only describe as a moving planet/star/small sun. It was a matching neon yellow piece of clothing that I can only imagine was made by little Chinese kids wearing welding helmets it was so bright. (Sorry if that offended any of you.) I was about to ask, Are you going to wear that to the gym? BUT this time my Manly instincts said...JR Don't say that, you will get kick in your nards.. just don't do it. I started to say something but could tell she had her legs in kicking range so I stopped myself. Thus we headed off to the gym.

So we get to the gym and I found it hard not to go straight to the weights area. Instead we traversed into a room/planet I've never entered. It was a rather large room with mirrors all around. Felt like I was in a house of horrors mirror room. Then stage 1 of the Zumba tap was sprung. In a flurry of colors, many which could be seen by the blind women in all these cute outfits started to show up, I started thinking... OH hey, this could be good.. oh.. yeah... Using the ole' checking out the room method to check this out (Men you know what I'm talking about, the whole, oh I've never been in here, kinda neat trick!) I started to calm down and realized while I may look like a one legged man who's been lobotomized in this class, that there is a positive side.

Then it came crashing down. So class started we did our little booty shake warm up thing, then we started the pelvic thrust maneuver to the booty bump/shake/rump/money maker maneuver. Women started to huffing and making fish faces while doing this and something snapped in me. I just lost it, I started cackling and laughing at this site. Literally gasping for air I had to leave, I couldn't handle this. It was like someone who REALLY hated the Spanish Dance culture wanted to punish it by adding move that no respectable man would be caught doing and thus playing a HUGE prank on womankind by getting them to pay for this. I felt like these women should of had shake weights and this would of been the ultimate insult to humanity everywhere.

So I ended up leaving and went and lifting and was talking to the guys. Classes apparently ended by the string of bright colors that passed us. I noticed 3 colors were moving in my direction pretty fast. Low and behold, one was my wife and apparently two "friends". As they rushed over towards me my flight or fight kicked in and for some reason I just froze. I was given a look that I'm pretty sure stopped my heart for a few minutes but I was too stunned to know a difference. Now not only do I not want to spend time with her, I embarrassed her in front of the whole class. I never should of went to Zumba and somehow it turned out my fault that I went with her. Her friends just kinda stood back and did the whole head nod thing.

So in the end, wife still isn't happy. I'm starting to see a pattern here! I've been looking for Mexican Coyotes to sneak me into a new gym but so far haven't found any on my local Craig's list.

Just thought you guys would like an update. So far, I'm still in the dog house! Men don't make my mistake, if you are tempted or begged to Zumba...Just don't do it, You'll never forgive yourself!

Lastly, why the heck do women have such a hard time picking out work out pants. I went with the wife to shop for new pants for this Zumba class (Apparently me starting to go along was going to be like a high school graduation or something where you have to dress up, but only with workout clothes) She seriously tried on 12-15 pairs of pants and complained about all of them. HOLY HECK LADIES that do that. I went to ****'s sporting good, found some that were colors that were palpable. (Meaning not pink, not purple, and not sea foam green.) and bought a couple. Didn't even try them on!

So, you might be reading this and asking yourself, BUT JR are you ever going to go to Zumba again?

Let's look at the pro's and con's.

Pro's
-Eye Candy
-Music was average

Con's
-You look like you have de-evolved
-You will laugh if you laugh easily, thus resulting in scorn from women.
-The Spanish Salsa culture dies a little inside every time you attempt Zumba.
-Other men will know that you are 100% whipped if you go to Zumba class.
-Your self respect is replaced with a hole that you will never be able to fill again.

From looking at that chart and thinking about the experience I will have to abstain from Zumba again. I am glad it works for some people, but it was not a great fit for a meathead like me.

Til next time!