Folks who are divorced/divorcing...

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  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,377 Member
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    Kind of sounds like you already know what you need to do. Don't let guilt be a reason to stay in a relationship.

    Agree 100%
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    Kind of sounds like you already know what you need to do. Don't let guilt be a reason to stay in a relationship.

    Agree 100%

    I am such a guilty person too! When I care about someone I don't want to hurt them. I am easily manipulated in that way...
  • JesiDM
    JesiDM Posts: 268 Member
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    I met mine when I was 12. We got married when I was 14 (he lived in a different country(still does) and I was there off and on. Where he lives thats how they do things. I had many misgivings and wasn't sure if I should, but being 14 I was young ans stupid. A month a half later I got pregnant. I came back to America when I was 7months along. I haven't seen him since, but we were filing for him to get a visa to come here. I've been wanting a divorce for a while now, but I have a 4 yr old who wants her dad(they've never met). He ended up losing his passport and all paperwork and that was the last straw for me. So now I'm 19 going through a divorce. My advice is to make sure your ready and that you want it. Don't let yourself be rushed into anything. I've wasted 5 yrs of my life on a man I can't trust. Now that I'm going through this divorce I feel the best I have in years.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    I met mine when I was 12. We got married when I was 14 (he lived in a different country(still does) and I was there off and on. Where he lives thats how they do things. I had many misgivings and wasn't sure if I should, but being 14 I was young ans stupid. A month a half later I got pregnant. I came back to America when I was 7months along. I haven't seen him since, but we were filing for him to get a visa to come here. I've been wanting a divorce for a while now, but I have a 4 yr old who wants her dad(they've never met). He ended up losing his passport and all paperwork and that was the last straw for me. So now I'm 19 going through a divorce. My advice is to make sure your ready and that you want it. Don't let yourself be rushed into anything. I've wasted 5 yrs of my life on a man I can't trust. Now that I'm going through this divorce I feel the best I have in years.

    Oh I'm so sorry :( I'm glad you have moved on! You're very strong!
  • fraser112
    fraser112 Posts: 405
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    No matter how much affection you give him he will never change until youve dumped him and he suffers through not having you.

    when a guy is like that its more obsession than love. If im right he seems real affectionate but deep down its just maipulation.

    I was just like that with my ex and it almost destroyed me. Constant obsession, arguments sleepless nights ect .

    It sounds like you pity him more than anything
    your his supportive mother more than a wife from the sounds of it.

    run
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    your his supportive mother more than a wife from the sounds of it.

    He definitely expected me to dote on him when he got emotional, but I refused.

    Did your ex end it?
  • fraser112
    fraser112 Posts: 405
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    yes over and over and over

    then we moved in together.

    mistake after mistake

    if you dont feel atracted to him at all end it.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    yes over and over and over

    then we moved in together.

    mistake after mistake

    if you dont feel atracted to him at all end it.

    Can I ask how you feel now? And how you felt when it really ended?
  • JesiDM
    JesiDM Posts: 268 Member
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    I met mine when I was 12. We got married when I was 14 (he lived in a different country(still does) and I was there off and on. Where he lives thats how they do things. I had many misgivings and wasn't sure if I should, but being 14 I was young ans stupid. A month a half later I got pregnant. I came back to America when I was 7months along. I haven't seen him since, but we were filing for him to get a visa to come here. I've been wanting a divorce for a while now, but I have a 4 yr old who wants her dad(they've never met). He ended up losing his passport and all paperwork and that was the last straw for me. So now I'm 19 going through a divorce. My advice is to make sure your ready and that you want it. Don't let yourself be rushed into anything. I've wasted 5 yrs of my life on a man I can't trust. Now that I'm going through this divorce I feel the best I have in years.

    Oh I'm so sorry :( I'm glad you have moved on! You're very strong!


    I'm glad too. Thank you! It's defintitly a lesson for me.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    I met my current husband (who I am working through a separation with) when I was 23, he moved in with me when I was 24 and we lived together for a year and a half. We will have been married for 20 years next month.

    He is a nice person. He really is. He is also a lazy person and has been addicted to alcohol and drugs during our marriage. The drugs are what drove the biggest wedge in between us, on my part, I was so angry over his abuse of them. He quit them 6 years ago, but the verbal abuse and the neglect on his part had already done the damage by then. I have supported him completely financially (other than his disability payments) for 10 years. I am emotionally exhausted.

    I am also heartbroken because he is heartbroken. I never have wanted to cause another human pain and I am tearing him apart right now because I want out of this marriage. I haven't been happy for years. He has, I haven't. I can't stay in this relationship any longer. But I am hurting him badly by wanting out. It's horrible.

    If you have the red flags you have now, end it now before he becomes even more dependent on you and you end up causing him tremendous heartbreak. Because no matter how much you want out, it will break your heart, too.
  • Hoover8it
    Hoover8it Posts: 107 Member
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    I was with my boyfriend for 1 year, engaged for 20 hours, married just shy of 13 years and divorced for almost 2 years:brokenheart: . The ex and I grew apart we were more like roomates. NOW ge get along great. We figured we still have a child to raise so we have to make it the best for her.:bigsmile:
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    Because no matter how much you want out, it will break your heart, too.

    That is what I'm dealing with now. I just hate the thought of hurting him.
  • ryall70
    ryall70 Posts: 519 Member
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    I have been married twice and divorced twice. It seemed that both men absolutely changed about mid-way through the marriages (about 5 years in).

    My first marriage, I married too young (19) and found out later he was abusive but have two wonderful girls from that marriage.

    Second marriage, just really stupid of me, never should have happened. I remember at the wedding thinking..."what am I doing?" If you are not absolutely sure you want to be married then don't do it.

    After saying all this, I do believe in marriage and think marraiges can last and be a wonderful thing.
    Sounds familiar.... first marriage lasted 5 yrs- I remember the first two years alright- mentally abusive & gambling & alcohol addiction. I had 2 children. Second marriage was an escape from the first. Lasted 7 yrs. I figured pout real early I had messed up but didn't want to believe I had made a mistake. Both of them, I had misgivings saying I do. I didn't used to believe in divorce and thought it would last forever.
  • DesignGuy
    DesignGuy Posts: 457 Member
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    Was married for about 10 years, with her for about 16 years. Was I certain? Nope. Actually, I knew better, but I was younger and a little dumb.

    I think the main issue was me growing up over that time and her not so much (she was older than me too). And she's beyond lazy. I told her I'd support her financially, etc 100% for the next 10 years so she could achieve something and be on better ground going forward.

    Ten years past and nothing. She watched TV mostly, went to parties and other stuff. Although she did talk about going to college or getting medical training (or whatever that week's dream was) about 2-3 times per week, so that's something.

    Oh well. :)

    You learn and move forward or you become bitter and damage everyone else that comes into your life. If you hold onto the past, you stay there.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    He definitely has some growing up to do. I hope he pursues that emotional development.
  • nursedb
    nursedb Posts: 313 Member
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    Wow, this makes me sad... just asked mine for a divorce/sep. and he said NOPE...what the hell do ya do then...I want out...we are co'existing...attempting to retain some normalcy for the kids but basically I'm gonna have to leave if I want this to happen...I make more so I'm SCREWED! UGH! Totally into the whole over the top holier than thou nonsense and I cannot stand it anymore!
  • dotmertsky
    dotmertsky Posts: 43
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    we knew each other 6 months about a year after marriage things changed. He was a workaholic, very low sex drive and by the time we hit 9 years he was cheating . 7.5 months is NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!! Don't let him push you into something you will regret later if you don't give it time. You need time to get to know each other...... for us 6 months wasn't long enough. Make that closer to 2 years.
  • mommyX3wants2bahottiexxx
    mommyX3wants2bahottiexxx Posts: 18
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    GOT MARRIED ON OUR 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY I WAS 24 HE WAS 22 .. I WAS 7 MOS PREGNANT AT OUR WEDDING AND CRIED AT OUR DINNER AFTERWARDS ( PROB HORMONES OR MAYBE DEEP DOWN I KNEW IT WOULDN'T LAST) AFTER 4 YEARS OF HIM GAMBLING OUR MONEY AWAY AND HAVING TO MOVE TO A TINY TOWN IN TEXAS.. AND GOING TO PARTIES WITHT HE YOUNG KIDS HE WORKED WITH AND LEAVING ME HOME THEN MOVING US RANDOMLY BACK TO VEGAS WHERE HE QUICKLY PICKED UP HIS OLD HABITS .. HIS FRIENDS AND BEER WERE MORE IMPORTANT THEN ME AND OUR DAUGHTER.. FINALY AFTER A 4TH OF JULY PARTY WHERE HE AND HIS FRIENDS WERE THROWING WATER BALLOONS IN OUR HOUSE AROUND THE COMPUTER AND HIM YELLING AND CALLING ME EVERY NAME IN THE BOOK AND THEN PROCEDING TO THROW A HOT PIECE OF STEAK AT MY FACE AND HITTING ME WITH IT INFRONT OF OUR 4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER I LEFT.. WENT FROM BEING A SAHM TO WORKING FULLTIME AT A DAYCARE WHERE I COULD TAKE MY DAUGHTER AND IN MY OWN APARTMENT WITHIN 2 WEEKS..

    OCTOBER 2OO6 MET MY CURRENT HUSBAND.. HE ALSO HAS A DAUGHTER SHE WAS 5 AND MINE WAS 4... IT HAPPENED RATHER QUICKLY HE SEEMED SO CARING AND LOVING AND AFTER WHAT I HAD WENT THROUGH IF ELL FOR IT.. WE WERE TOGETHER 2 YEARS WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT AND OR SON WAS BORN IN JULY 2008 AND WE WERE MARRIED IN AUGUST THE SAME YEAR.. IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY BLENDING A FAMILY.. WE HAVE HAD SOME ROUGH TIMES.. A MONTH BEFORE OUR WEDDING HIS MOM WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BREAST CANCER ( I WAS CLOSE TO HER AS WELL) SHE COULD NOT HAVE THE SURGERY.. MY HUSBAND CHANGED DRASTICLY .. I PSHED US TO JOIN THE GYM ETC HAVING JUST HAD A BABY.. HE LOST 100 PLUS POUNDS IN LESS THEN 3 MONTHS BECAUSE HE TURNED INTO A TOTAL MANOREXIC.. AND HE WAS MOODY AND MEAN AND DEALING WITH HIS MOTHERS ILLNESS AND OUR FIRST YR OF MARRIAGE WAS AWFUL.. WE NEARLY SPLIT UP 100 TIMES WE SAID MEAN THINGS BACK AND FORTH AND I STOPPED LOVING HIM.. FOR A WHILE ANYWAYS.. THEN OUR SECOND YEAR WE GREW A LIL CLOSER .. STILL ALOT OF FIGHTING.. AND THEN ON MAY 1 2011 WE LOST HIS MOM TO BREAST CANCER.. IT BROUGHT US CLOSER WE RECONNECTED BUT HAVE STILL STRUGGLED WITH FIGHTING OVER STUPID STUFF LIKE MY DAUGHTER BEING MEAN TO HIS OR VICE VERSA.. HE TENDS TO PICK ON HER BECAUSE HE HATES HER DAD ( FOR GOOD REASONS) AND I TRY TO TELL HIM NOT TO TAKE IT OUT ON HER.. I TRY HARD TO MAKE US A FAMILY WE HAVE GROWN CLOSER BUT WE STILL HAVE ALOT OF WORK TO MAKE THIS WORK FOREVER...THERE IS NO GUARANTEE WITH LOVE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE SOMEONE IT DOESN'T ALWAYS LAST PEOPLE CHANGE THROUGH THE YEARS AND THE WAY YOU ARE TODAY MAY NOT BE THE WAY YOU ARE IN 5 YEARS WHEN YOU ADD 3 SCREAMING KIDS, BILLS, A MORTGAGE AND STRESS IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW YOU HANDLE IT TOGETHER AND PICKING AND CHOSING YOUR BATTLES AND LEARNING TO SAY I'M SORRY I SCREWED UP ROYALY.. AND NOT FORGETTING HOW YOU CAME TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE AND THAT'S FALLING IN LOVE .. ITS ALOT OF WORK BEING MARRIED BUT I STOP AND THINK OF ALL THE EFFORT WE HAVE PUT INTO THESE 6 1/2 YRS TOGETHER AND EVEN THOUGH WE FIGHT LIKE CATS AND DOGS SOMETIMES AND I REALLY HATE HIM SOMETIMES AND WE HURT EACHOTHER DEEP DOWN I LOVE HIM AND COULDN'T REALLY SEE MYSELF SPENDING AN ETERNITY WITHOUT HIM.. JUST DONT RUSH IT IF YOU ARE NOT READY AND HE LOVES YOU HE WILL WAIT.. 7 MONTHS IS NOT VERY LONG BUT THEN AGAIN SOME PEOPLE MEET EACHOTHER AND MARRY IN A MONTH AND IT LASTS FOREVER.. BEST OF LUCK
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    My update from my other thread...

    Thank you EVERYONE! I received such kind, thoughtful advice. You all are so wonderful.

    Last night I ended the relationship. He was really upset and tried tactics to get me to change my mind (begging, crying, asking me to hook him up with one of my friends, deleting all our FB pictures and de-friending me...lol). But his emotional immaturity just solidified my decision.

    This morning I went to a counseling session with him, but I made it VERY clear that my decision has been made and these counseling sessions are to help him gain closure. They're actually nice for me too...I mean how many times do you get counseling through a breakup?

    This weekend his parents are coming down to help him move. He also needs his mom to come down and support him...which is a little odd at 27 years old, IMO. When my parents divorced, they were only 24 and my mom took me from my dad, and he handled it on his own.

    I know I made the right decision. I feel sad for hurting him, but I am hopeful he will learn and grow from this like I did from my painful breakups.
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,377 Member
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    You are so strong! I'm very proud of you, even though I really don't know you. That's great that you went to counseling, too. Gosh, I just want to hug you right now! So glad you followed your head on this. Don't let him talk you into meeting him anywhere private! My ex is still trying to kiss me and stuff every time he comes to see the kids, and it's been 7 yrs since we split. :noway:

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