Stay at home parents- (kind of long)

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  • Ashley_Panda
    Ashley_Panda Posts: 1,404 Member
    Why don't you study online for your master's when you start staying at home?

    I love being at home with my kids but once both of them are in school I'd like to be able to do something for me too. :)
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    While obviously your first priority is your family, you also have to make sure you put yourself at the top of the list and not get completely caught up in motherhood or career. You just have to find a healthy balance. My MIL completely dedicated her life to her children and now that my husband and his brother are grown up with families of their own, she kind of stumbles through life, unsure of how to spend her days.

    I love being a SAHM but I also don't want to completely lose myself in the process.

    I def know it will be important to make sure I don't lose myself. I know if I stay home I would volunteer or after I get in awesome shape maybe I could instruct a few classes while my little one is at school :)
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    On the other hand, I know lots of working mommies who think that they are better mommies because they don't stay home. That's a valid position as well.

    This is very true. I don't take anything away from a parent who works or does not work. It is a personal choice.
  • BAMFMeredith
    BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,810 Member
    I feel like such a weirdo here! Am I the only woman alive who has zero interest in being a stay at home mom???
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    As much as I enjoy my job and the fulfillment that I get, I would much rather be at home when they are home and already have the household chores done so that I had more quality time with my children. I think it's a personal choice though that each parent should make on his/her own.

    I actually didn't consider how nice it would be to have time to do chores during the day so that evenings and weekends could be spent having quality family time. Great point!
  • morgansmama
    morgansmama Posts: 23 Member
    I've been a SAHM since my daughter was born which was last February. I had worked since I was 14 at high intensity jobs that required me to stay on my feet for the majority of the day. I have always wanted to be a SAHM so when I became pregnant, my husband and I sat down and talked about it. We went over the financial aspects and found out that if I had continued to work and sent our daughter to a daycare, we would actually be losing money due to high costs in our area, and my lack of education. At first, I had a little depression just because I had gone from walking all day and doing stuff to keep me busy (all the way up until two days before I gave birth) to being at home all day, cleaning and taking care of our newborn. As she grew though, our Parents as Teachers consultant told us that she was EXTREMELY advanced in every area. She started walking at 8 and a half months and problem solving well before a year. She has excelled in everything and for a 15 month old, she's extremely smart and talented. It's been rough, obviously, and we've had to work through some hard times financially but I wouldn't trade these years for anything! We plan on me staying home with our children until they get into all day school. Then I will go back to college and get a job to keep me busy, but just enough so I don't miss any aspect of their life. My parents were and continue to be workaholics and it made me incredibly mad when other parents took more responsibility for me during school events than they did. So I want to be there for all of their events and school functions. :) It's an incredibly rewarding experience so I would say that if you feel that you want to stay home, stay home and experience your children. If you don't think you could handle it, then it might be best to ease into it with a part time job. Some people just can't handle being around their children 24/7 and it's not a bad thing. :) Hope it helps!
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    I have a friend who is fond of saying "When my kids were little I needed to be home to make sure that they didn't play in the medicine cabinet...now that they're teens, I need to be here to make sure they don't play in the medicine cabinet" (She is saying this tongue in cheek as she has amazing kids, but its still true)

    Not having "your own" $ may be a bit of an adjustment but if you and hubby and both on the same page, write up a budget, and stick with what you agree to that might help to pre-empt any difficulties. Good Luck with your descision!

    Ha, how funny! Thanks for your advice about making a plan together to prevent issues, makes great sense!
  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,010 Member
    From a personal standpoint I would love to be a stay at home parent.....Spending every day with my kids and watching them grow........From a social aspect I am 100% sure that our kids going to daycare has been great for them and there are no regrets. I know I am generalizing but most kids with SAH parents are not as well socialized (there are exceptions I said most). Also recently we did kindergarten registration recently and of the sampling that we heard while we were there the kids not enrolled in school scored significantly lower than those in school.

    All that said what is your overall goal? Do you want to keep them home and home school them forever or will they go to public schools at 5? If public schools what is so different about years 1-5 as 5-18?

    Again....Just my opinions and they obviously differ from most posting in here......
  • TheFitHooker
    TheFitHooker Posts: 3,357 Member
    I was a stay at home mom for 8 years, I recently started working a part time job, but I'm still home with my daughter during the day and my husband is home with the kids at night. We have 2, my son is nearly 9, and my daughter is 16 months old. I refuse to do day cares.

    Honestly I love being with my kids, but at the same time for the past 8 years I didn't have "Me Time" and it put me into a depression which caused a lot of my weight issues. I am not blaming being a stay at home for my poor choices, I'm just saying that not having a life out side my kids caused me to not care. Now that I work I have more, I mean I love being with my kids, they are the world to me, but I now have friends, extra money so I can go do things once in awhile. I don't feel trapped in the house all the time.

    My husband and I both agree that the money that is made between him and I is our money not his and not mine. We both pay bills, our money goes into 1 account and that is that. It's not weird at all, after 10 years together nearly 9 married, I think its a great thing. We only have 1 car, so he works days and I work nights.

    My husband would prefer me to stay home, I made the choice to go back to work, he is hoping for a raise at work, but he thinks if he gets one, I'll quit my job, I don't want to quit my job. Me having a job isn't about money, it's about getting out of the house a few nights a week, being around people my own age, and being able to keep my sanity lol. I spent the past 8 years a SAHM and while I loved being with my kids and tending to the house, I still do that, it's a never ending job, and it's nice to have that little bit of "Me" time. I'm also thinking about going back to school soon.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    I look back and LOVE the fact I was able to walk them to/from school, have lunch with them, have play dates, and just in general, be there for them. You choose to have a career, and you choose to have kids, only one of them are you really happy about when you look back on your life.

    :) reading this literally made me smile!
  • Diary_Queen
    Diary_Queen Posts: 1,314 Member
    I think if it's an agreeable situation for both parents, then by all means do it!

    {PERSONAL OPINION} For me, it's not something that I could forsee. Not that I don't love my children and want to spend time with them, but they're 7 years old and in school all day long. I would be scrubbing the walls with bleach everyday with a big case of household OCD on my hands if I didn't have a part time job or volunteering or something. See, I grew up as the child of a single parent and from a broken home (my parents divorced when I was 3). I'm a single parent and never married the father of my children. That bred a ton of trust issues about being supported by a partner. Is it possible that one day I could meet a partner that I would love and trust to support me and our family so I could stay home, sure... possible. Would it be extremely difficult for me to leave my career and put myself in a position to depend on my partner to provide the financial stability in this economy for me to stay home, very much so.... I've always worked and made my own way (sometimes barely) and giving that up is not something that would work for me at this time. {/PERSONAL OPINON}
  • Jesea
    Jesea Posts: 376 Member
    When my oldest son was born, I went from teaching full time to teaching music 3 days a week, but when he was 6 months old, we moved with my husband's job and it was too far to commute to the sitter's and school, so I became a SAHM. When he was 18 months old, I began babysitting a friend's little boy a few days a week to supplement our income and give my son a playmate. Then when he was 5, I gave birth to our second son. He turned 2 last summer, and I started substitute teaching, at first 2 days a week, then sometimes as many as 4 or 5. It has been the best of both worlds. My husband travels a lot on business, and sometimes his travel plans change from day to day, so subbing has been great from a flexibility standpoint. When one of the boys is sick or has a field trip/performance at school, I have the option of not working. I plan on subbing at least until my youngest is in kindergarten, but it may take longer to find a permanent position, but that's ok with me!
  • mandamama
    mandamama Posts: 250
    I am a SAHM I wouldn't trade it for the world.Are there things you have to sacrifice financially? SURE but is the sacrifce worth it? absolutely. I will do anything to be able to stay with my children and be the one raising them. I don't think I could handle someone else telling me they saw my children taking their first steps, talking, pottying etc etc. That being said I know it DEFINITLY isn't for everyone. I have friends that say they don't understand HOW I can do it all day every day. I feel like... My child(ren) are only going to be babies once.. I have all the opportunity in the world to do career stuff once they are in school full time. I would reccomend a good support system, and play groups... You really do not realize how much you miss adult interaction until you are talking to a baby for most of your waking hours LOL I Love my kids. I love staying home with them (stayed at home with my 8 year old until she was in school, then now again with my 17 mth old. There is no amount of money that would make me do it any other way. So as long as we can swing it, it is our plan to do so :) You know what they say... The pay sucks... but the benfits are out of this world :)
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    im a stay at home dad. :) (was a lawyer before that)

    Awesome! I know one other Stay at home dad. His wife is a pediatrician. He loves it!
  • mandamama
    mandamama Posts: 250
    Oh, and I don't feel like its HIS money we live off of. he works out of the home for 8 hours a day with scheduled breaks and works ends when he walks out the door... mine is 24/7 365 no sick days no call ins I feel like I do my share of input to our family being home :)
  • BAMFMeredith
    BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,810 Member
    I look back and LOVE the fact I was able to walk them to/from school, have lunch with them, have play dates, and just in general, be there for them. You choose to have a career, and you choose to have kids, only one of them are you really happy about when you look back on your life.

    :) reading this literally made me smile!

    You're only really happy about your career or your kids and not both? Sorry, but I COMPLETELY disagree.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    Personally, I have been doing some thinking on this as well... I currently work 40 hours and have DD in a daycare full time... I have talked to my husband and when she turns 5 and goes into Kindergarten, I want to work part time... that way I'm there when she goes to school and I'm there when she comes home... but I still have a somewhat of a career so if something happens and I have to go back to work, I am not looking at menial jobs that I am overqualified for and have no interest in doing, but will only do so for the income...

    Tough decisions. It comforts me to have work experience and a degree if I ever need or want to pursue a career again.
  • ItsLessOfMe
    ItsLessOfMe Posts: 374 Member
    I've been a stay at home mom for 7 years. I will only say one thing. I dont regret not one moment
  • modernmom70
    modernmom70 Posts: 373 Member
    I feel like such a weirdo here! Am I the only woman alive who has zero interest in being a stay at home mom???

    Nope...I'm with you! I took 6 months with my oldest as that was all Employment insurance covered and I took a year with my son. But I could not wait to go back to work after a year! I like working, and I also would not like to rely on someone else for a paycheque! Definately not for me, I love my job and I don't think it takes anything away from my kids....in fact because I would be miserable I think it would take away from them if I had to stay at home. Mom needs to be happy for the kids to be.
    Also I never miss a single school event for my kids.
  • kimmydear
    kimmydear Posts: 298 Member
    Just remember that whatever your choice, it doesn't have to be forever. I have lots of friends who have gone onto second careers after being moms at home, have jumped back into their original careers, have gone to school again for something totally different, whatever. IMHO, staying home with the kids if financially possible (and we do it and yes, it's painful sometimes from a financial standpoint) is best.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    You're only really happy about your career or your kids and not both? Sorry, but I COMPLETELY disagree.

    I don't think it's true for all people, but for some it def is. My mom had an incredible career and is now retired at 52. She regrets how much she missed out in in regards to parenting. I think it really depends on if you have a true passion for your career and how you manage your work/family balance. If you love your job and are happy with the balance than you def would be happy about both. Right now, I feel that. When my husband works crazy hours though, maybe nights, weekends and holidays depending on his specialty, I fear I will look at my career with regret if I don't make the sacrifice to make sure one of us is around as much as we'd like.
  • LilGiselle21
    LilGiselle21 Posts: 110 Member
    I became a sahm last november just before my sons 6 bday my daughters 4th and other daughters 2nd bday. The hour we ent at home to eat dinner as a family was not enough. It took me a while to decide to stay at home and a while to adjust I feel like I'm beginning to adjust. It has it's ups and down but it's awesome not worrying who's taking off work to care for a sick child or trying to make time for groceries or am I going to be late to get them from daycare. Financially I almost feel like we are doing better because child for 3 kids was a lot plus gas for work maintence and work supplies. I still occasionally do my job from home (dog grooming) but I do not let it interfere with my children and their activities. I do plan on officially opening my own business (mobile grooming) when all of them are in school all day and will only work while they are in school and still not everyday to be able to volunteer and take them to do sports and stuff. I also babysit my friends kids occasionally.
    Don't get me wrong my mother worked a lot for many years and even though she did her best I wish she was around more. Im the oldest she did a lot for me when I started school but my sisters didn't get that because she was always working and she couldn't
    It all of us in activities and be at work and other places all at once. I am lucky I have the chance to do this and sometimes still feel guilty for not being there for my son in the beginning but what counts is now he knows I'm not always rushing we have time to talk and I can actually hear about his day. People tell me all the time they can't believe I'm staying home what if he leaves blah blah blah but if I was afraid that would happen I would probably still be a stay at home because I have the chance to do it now.
    Moneywise well I had to make a budget and calculate everything and so far so good neither one has been restricted. I learned how to grocery shop and stock up by paying close attention to sales (im horrible with coupons). I plan family sundays that are free or cheap and make big lunches to take with us. Save up sometimes for the bigger more expensive stuff but normally dont have to wait more the 4 weeks to go out and splurge. As a matter a fact we just bought a new car in feb and he got a motorcycle last week. Something we talked aout since way before I stopped working but couldn't afford. Overall after adjusting I love it and am kind of dreading when they are all in school because I Amy just get bored!!!!
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    I suspect she had a clone.

    I really think it's up to the individual. I would not choose to be a stay at home parent. First of all, my son is in school now, so there's not really a reason for me to be home all day, and secondly, it does not make me as happy and fulfilled as working AND parenting do. I love my career. I love making my own money. I love meeting new people through my job. And I love leaving work, picking up my son, and taking him to the gym with me, or to t-ball practice/games, or home to hang out. I love going to the park with him on the weekends and taking him to church on Sundays. That's what works for our family best, and my son will not grow up and think "gee, my mom sure wasn't around much." His dad on the other hand....well that's another story for another thread lol

    My best friend from high school, however, is OVERJOYED at being able to stay home with her kids. It's like she was born to be a stay at home mom. I just never wanted that for myself. I don't see one as being better than the other, just different for every person.

    Ha, a clone! I def always pictured doing both like you do. I am similar to you right now. I love my job and feel I dedicate enough time to my son. When I dated my husband he was not on track to go to med school. In fact, it wasn't until we were pregnant that he decided to go! His hours are crazy already and he is not working yet. If he does have a specialty which could be called on 24/7, I think "staying home" will be the right choice for me although I don't plan on "staying home" so much!
  • tistal
    tistal Posts: 869 Member
    I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years. Our kids are 8 and 5. We refused to put our kids in day care. We cut out every possible extra expense so I could stay at home with them. This fall my son will be in kindergarten and I will try to find a job that allows me to have time to take them to school and pick them up on time. If I cant find one then I will continue to be a SAHM but will always be looking for something that will work around my schedule. Luckily my hubs is a mechanic so as far as vehicles go, we will never have a problem. I drive a 92 Chevy Beretta (2nd owner) that just rolled over 200K miles and runs like its new!
  • luvsherhubby
    luvsherhubby Posts: 135 Member
    I always find it kind of odd the question of to work or not to work. I asume you have a decent paying job or someone to watch your son for free. I have taken care of my stepson since he was 3 and worked up untill he was almost 7 when I had my other son. I worked from home though so it was a lot different. Me and my hubby decided that I would not work after I had my other son becasue its not finacialy reasonable. Daycare is expensive!! I am still going to college ( im 21) and any job I could get at this point would only cover childcare cost and gas to get to work. So there is no way I was going to work to have someone else watch my kid. I recently read an article about this that it cost more for moms to work than to stay home.

    That being said I still think its most important to be home for your kids. My mom used to work for my grandpa and she was alwasy home or I was at work with her. Then she had to get another job, the "freedom" i felt was unreal and i went buck wild and did a lot of things I regret that I know I wouldnt have had teh oportunity to do if she was there. I think that your kids would be best served if someone was there with them. The years go by FAST. a job can come and go, your kids are forever.

    as for finances as a dr it doesnt seem like yall will have an issue, but for us my husband works a rather medocre job as h is still in school to, and God always provides some way or another.
  • c_muschany
    c_muschany Posts: 37 Member
    Well, my husband and I are both full time workers. It works well for us and we are lucky because he leaves pretty early and is home as soon as the kids get home most of the time. I am here in the morning before they leave and home pretty quickly after they are. I am a teacher, so I am home during the summer months, if we have snow days, Christmas and other breaks. Unfortunately, I am not in the same district and have to drive 20 min. each way but I am still here fairly soon.

    When my first was little, I worked nights so one of us was with him all the time. It didn't stay that way though and I wish we had been able to always work it out that way, but I went to school to finish my degree and feel that if I have to work out of the home, teaching is the best profession to have as a mom. My principal is extremely understanding if my kids are sick and I have to leave, and I love what I do, so....

    Would I have preferred to stay home year round, yep, but wasn't feasible for us. Good luck!
  • tanyakay87
    tanyakay87 Posts: 223 Member
    It is a VERY tough decision! I have just let my company know I won't be returning and it was really hard for me to do. On the one hand, you want what is best for your children and to know they are being looked after and getting the best life possible. On the other hand, you have worked so hard to get where you want career wise!

    What made it for me was my parents. I don't want to scare you, please don't think that this is how all families are but unfortunately both my parents had to work and I, and my siblings, got up to all kinds of mischief after school etc. because we were unsupervised or with someone who had no say in what we did. It is not my parents fault, they gave us the best life they could but I can't help but think how things would have been different had one of them been at home!

    The other thing about financial freedom was the biggest thing for me. In the end, we decided to each have spending money for the month, whatever is best for you, so for example you both get £100 for whatever you want like downloading movies or songs of iTunes, buying clothes, CDs etc. etc. that way I don't feel like I have to keep asking him every time I want to spend money. That also helps our relationship because he has the same amount and, while he NEVER would say this, he can't spend more money and then say he earns it so he can use it.

    At the end of the day though, it is entirely based on your circumstances. This works for us for the time being but in a few years when my little one is in nursery or whatever, I may want to return to work even if it is part time.

    Good luck with it and always remember that communication is key! If something is not working, you must talk to your partner about it as it can get tough from both parts. The stay at home parent may feel neglected because the working partner is away all day or all night and then might want to go out for drinks after work with a colleague even though you never get a break with the baby and the working partner might feel that the house is dirty or the dinner isn't made and don't understand what you do all day because they've never had to look after the baby 24/7

    Sorry for the essay lol - good luck with it xx
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    There's nothing saying that a stay at home parent has to be engulfed by the stereotypes, either... you can stay up to date on world events, work on your education part-time by correspondence, and have a get-together with like-minded friends on a fairly regular basis so you're not completely out of the loop. I have two kids who I homeschool, but we're hardly homebound. :o)

    Incidentally, when I ran the numbers we realized that if I did go get a full-time job, we'd actually be in the hole by about $2000 per year. And that was based on making $15/hr. Instead, I generate income from home - I do web design, I babysit, I teach piano, I do move-out cleaning for people... a little of this and a little of that and it all adds up nicely but without the hassle of having a boss or co-workers, and there are none of those nasty payroll deductions to worry about. I don't start paying income tax until I've actually earned enough to require it, I'm not EI-eligible, no pensions or dues, etc. Plus there are business-use-of-home deductions that help a LOT with the final income tax tally.

    Great points!
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    Why don't you study online for your master's when you start staying at home?

    I love being at home with my kids but once both of them are in school I'd like to be able to do something for me too. :)

    You make a great point!

    I am certainly considering it. I keep thinking about summers and breaks though. I thought maybe going for education so that I could have the best of both worlds down the road. In my dream job I would be a counselor of sorts, if I could manage to make a successful home practice, I would be over the moon!
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    I feel like such a weirdo here! Am I the only woman alive who has zero interest in being a stay at home mom???

    Not at all. I never even considered it myself until my husband and I were discussing my Masters/ our careers last week.
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