Does this constitute cheating to you?

Options
24567…22

Replies

  • TheReese1206
    TheReese1206 Posts: 238
    Options
    In my marriage that would be considered a form of cheating. That's also a huge blow to your relationship. I would sit down and discuss where to go from here. Express your hurt to him. You both need to be on the same page. Let him know (in a calm manner) exactly how you see this. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but you can hopefully pull together through this.
  • runrogrun
    runrogrun Posts: 36 Member
    Options
    I haven't got angry at him at all, I just feel really weary and disappointed. It probably doesn't help that I didn't sleep at all last night really.
    He is giving himself a hard time, but so he should. I've said we will talk about it after work.

    I am just gutted because we have been planning our wedding and he has been at least as excited as I have, which hasn't been the case with some of my friends when they have been planning a wedding. Now whatever happens, the sheen has been taken off it for me.

    I'm with some of the others who say porn is one thing, but actively interacting with a real life person, basically only seperated by a computer screen, is a lot worse than just watching porn on TV.

    It just makes me really sad.
  • Nerple
    Nerple Posts: 1,291 Member
    Options
    I'd be more upset with his poor fiscal decisions. That is a lot of money just to watch something over a crappy webcam.
  • BaldyLover
    BaldyLover Posts: 26
    Options
    Is the wedding soon? I'm not making excuses for him, but maybe the pressure is taking its toll on him? Maybe by paying the women on webcams to do what he wants is his way of getting some control back? Has this only be a recent thing closer to the actual wedding? If the answer is yes to any of these, you still have a problem as its the wrong way to deal with a problem he's having, but if he's had a perfect record until now, it may explain some of it. You say he's been as excited as you about the wedding but has he had any involvement in the planning of it, or any input to how it happens?
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
    Options
    Whether it is cheating or not can be argued all day long with no exact right answer.

    What it does indicate is that he has a possible addiction to this sort of thing and that is why his sex drive with you is low.
    No relationship is going to last with that being a fact.
    Intimacy and pleasure are an essential part of it and if he can only get gratification via porn or this venue then your one on one relationship will fail no matter what name you apply.
    In essence no matter if you call it cheating or something else the end result will be the same.
  • Tybalt71
    Tybalt71 Posts: 1,081 Member
    Options
    NOPE! -Ty
  • HMD7703
    HMD7703 Posts: 761 Member
    Options
    He needs to run; fast and in a hurry. No, both of you need to run in separate directions!

    You checked his messages? His FaceBook?

    HUGE trust issues going on there. Granted, they are founded, but that is his personal space.
    He obviously likes porn - live or otherwise. That is something you can accept or not.

    Not the best way to start a marriage, for either of you.
  • angieleighbyrd
    angieleighbyrd Posts: 989 Member
    Options
    My rule of thumb is, if you have to hide it from your spouse then you shouldn't be doing it.

    If I caught my husband watching porn, I wouldn't care.

    But if I caught him paying for a live webcam show, I'd kill him.
  • dinovino_59
    dinovino_59 Posts: 1,700
    Options
    He needs to run; fast and in a hurry. No, both of you need to run in separate directions!

    You checked his messages? His FaceBook?

    HUGE trust issues going on there. Granted, they are founded, but that is his personal space.
    He obviously likes porn - live or otherwise. That is something you can accept or not.

    Not the best way to start a marriage, for either of you.

    I totally agree with you! My wife reads my e-mails and checks my FB...I don't like it!
  • runrogrun
    runrogrun Posts: 36 Member
    Options
    I only checked his Facebook in response to this happening. I stumbled across the porn thing.

    I didn;t have trust issues. I do now.

    the wedding is 11 months away (supposedly) and he has had as many ideas for it and has planned it as much (if not more) than I have. I am not a crazy - weddings / bridezilla type so there is no pressure there.
  • em9371
    em9371 Posts: 1,047 Member
    Options
    My rule of thumb is, if you have to hide it from your spouse then you shouldn't be doing it.

    If I caught my husband watching porn, I wouldn't care.

    But if I caught him paying for a live webcam show, I'd kill him.

    this!!!
    I would totally kick my husband's *kitten* for doing this, and I'd expect him to do the same to me!
    it all depends on your views, but to me prerecorded porn is totally different to interacting with a real person, even if it is only online and especially if he is paying for it !!!
  • HauteP1nk
    HauteP1nk Posts: 2,139 Member
    Options
    I think that is disgusting and a waste of money. He has a $ex drive for that but not for you then why are you marrying him?
  • BaldyLover
    BaldyLover Posts: 26
    Options
    Oh. In that case I would put the wedding on hold for the time being. If you stumbled upon it then it 'may' have been going on longer than you know about. I only found out about the 'no strings' sites because he got lazy and forgot to get rid of the evidence.

    Trust is important in any relationship. While I'm not sure that paying women to do certain things over a webcam is cheating (I see it similar to him paying for a lap dance, and maybe he has a fetish?), it still seems there is something missing for him. Men often go off sex with their partner when they are mentally involved elsewhere - its a twisted guilt thing.

    Really hope everything works out for you x
  • Cindym82
    Cindym82 Posts: 1,245 Member
    Options
    If you're ok with him going to strip clubs and these nasty women actually touching him IRL that what is the issue with this?? Don't you find it more "safe" he obviously isn't going to have sex with them through a computer but if u pay enough at a strip club u can. I don't see what the big deal is. Also, how did you find out about it? Because snooping around his personal stuff is not right.
  • Smuterella
    Smuterella Posts: 1,623 Member
    Options
    Just talk to him, you need to know why he is doing this when he seems to have little sex drive.
  • Steelheart7
    Steelheart7 Posts: 1,056
    Options
    Trust me when I tell you .. this is only the tip of the iceburg. If he is this far into it already, there is alot more "porn" related things that you don't know about. It will only get bigger as time goes on.

    I am speaking from experience. My exhusband was big into porn and as the years went by it got bigger. I thought maybe it was me, that it wasn't exciting enough for him .. blah blah blah .. but I have recently found out that his now girlfriend is discovering his porn addiction and left him for it. It is an addiction for some people. At first it was just magazines and then it was videos ... then it was watching it online, then it was streaming it online .. then it was what you have discovered .. then it turned into text messages with girls.

    So .. its not you .. its not going to change. I don't believe HE ever thought it was cheating. I don't know if I would classify that porn part as cheating but when they start dealing with "live" people .. then I see it as cheating.

    When my exhusband was found out he swore he would stop and he even destroyed all the tapes he had etc etc .. but a few months later I found some hidden in the tool box in the garage .. LMAO! It doesn't stop. You can message me if you want. =)
  • HMD7703
    HMD7703 Posts: 761 Member
    Options
    I only checked his Facebook in response to this happening. I stumbled across the porn thing.

    I didn;t have trust issues. I do now.

    the wedding is 11 months away (supposedly) and he has had as many ideas for it and has planned it as much (if not more) than I have. I am not a crazy - weddings / bridezilla type so there is no pressure there.

    Ummm... ok.
    I have a hard time believing any woman (not just you) that claims she "stumbled" across anything like this. I just think this is a huge flashing neon warning sign for you. Open your eyes girl. .... Please don't tell us that you hope he will change post marriage?!?!

    run-like-hell_s.jpg
  • dlwyatt82
    dlwyatt82 Posts: 1,077 Member
    Options
    Hmm... that's a tough call. Assuming he's telling the truth, he hasn't actually dated or had sex with any other woman. I'm inclined to think of it as cheating (or at least heading in that direction), mainly because he sought out women, even local women, to do this. If he had just loaded up a site full of different live cams and watched them, I might think of it more as just another form of porn movie.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
    Options
    I agree with the above poster who said there are trust and communication issues. As your fiance, he should feel comfortable telling you that he either wants to have more sex, watch more porn, or watch the webcam girls. He was probably embarrassed, or maybe he assumed it wasn't a big deal because you don't care about regular porn or strip clubs. Why does this bother you so much? Does it change his character? Is he apologetic? Are you more upset that he didn't tell you, or that he's looking at a 'real' girl (they're all 'real') on a computer screen instead of looking at you? Do you talk openly about your sexual wants? All good questions to ask, IMO.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Options
    I don't think I could stay in that relationship. But it's not my choice to make. It's yours.

    Counseling is always an option. I think if you were married or there were children involved, I'd recommend that before saying maybe it's not a good idea to stick it out. But I wouldn't blame you one bit if you dumped him.

Categories