Does this constitute cheating to you?

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Replies

  • em9371
    em9371 Posts: 1,047 Member
    My rule of thumb is, if you have to hide it from your spouse then you shouldn't be doing it.

    If I caught my husband watching porn, I wouldn't care.

    But if I caught him paying for a live webcam show, I'd kill him.

    this!!!
    I would totally kick my husband's *kitten* for doing this, and I'd expect him to do the same to me!
    it all depends on your views, but to me prerecorded porn is totally different to interacting with a real person, even if it is only online and especially if he is paying for it !!!
  • HauteP1nk
    HauteP1nk Posts: 2,139 Member
    I think that is disgusting and a waste of money. He has a $ex drive for that but not for you then why are you marrying him?
  • BaldyLover
    BaldyLover Posts: 26
    Oh. In that case I would put the wedding on hold for the time being. If you stumbled upon it then it 'may' have been going on longer than you know about. I only found out about the 'no strings' sites because he got lazy and forgot to get rid of the evidence.

    Trust is important in any relationship. While I'm not sure that paying women to do certain things over a webcam is cheating (I see it similar to him paying for a lap dance, and maybe he has a fetish?), it still seems there is something missing for him. Men often go off sex with their partner when they are mentally involved elsewhere - its a twisted guilt thing.

    Really hope everything works out for you x
  • Cindym82
    Cindym82 Posts: 1,245 Member
    If you're ok with him going to strip clubs and these nasty women actually touching him IRL that what is the issue with this?? Don't you find it more "safe" he obviously isn't going to have sex with them through a computer but if u pay enough at a strip club u can. I don't see what the big deal is. Also, how did you find out about it? Because snooping around his personal stuff is not right.
  • Smuterella
    Smuterella Posts: 1,623 Member
    Just talk to him, you need to know why he is doing this when he seems to have little sex drive.
  • Steelheart7
    Steelheart7 Posts: 1,056
    Trust me when I tell you .. this is only the tip of the iceburg. If he is this far into it already, there is alot more "porn" related things that you don't know about. It will only get bigger as time goes on.

    I am speaking from experience. My exhusband was big into porn and as the years went by it got bigger. I thought maybe it was me, that it wasn't exciting enough for him .. blah blah blah .. but I have recently found out that his now girlfriend is discovering his porn addiction and left him for it. It is an addiction for some people. At first it was just magazines and then it was videos ... then it was watching it online, then it was streaming it online .. then it was what you have discovered .. then it turned into text messages with girls.

    So .. its not you .. its not going to change. I don't believe HE ever thought it was cheating. I don't know if I would classify that porn part as cheating but when they start dealing with "live" people .. then I see it as cheating.

    When my exhusband was found out he swore he would stop and he even destroyed all the tapes he had etc etc .. but a few months later I found some hidden in the tool box in the garage .. LMAO! It doesn't stop. You can message me if you want. =)
  • HMD7703
    HMD7703 Posts: 761 Member
    I only checked his Facebook in response to this happening. I stumbled across the porn thing.

    I didn;t have trust issues. I do now.

    the wedding is 11 months away (supposedly) and he has had as many ideas for it and has planned it as much (if not more) than I have. I am not a crazy - weddings / bridezilla type so there is no pressure there.

    Ummm... ok.
    I have a hard time believing any woman (not just you) that claims she "stumbled" across anything like this. I just think this is a huge flashing neon warning sign for you. Open your eyes girl. .... Please don't tell us that you hope he will change post marriage?!?!

    run-like-hell_s.jpg
  • dlwyatt82
    dlwyatt82 Posts: 1,077 Member
    Hmm... that's a tough call. Assuming he's telling the truth, he hasn't actually dated or had sex with any other woman. I'm inclined to think of it as cheating (or at least heading in that direction), mainly because he sought out women, even local women, to do this. If he had just loaded up a site full of different live cams and watched them, I might think of it more as just another form of porn movie.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
    I agree with the above poster who said there are trust and communication issues. As your fiance, he should feel comfortable telling you that he either wants to have more sex, watch more porn, or watch the webcam girls. He was probably embarrassed, or maybe he assumed it wasn't a big deal because you don't care about regular porn or strip clubs. Why does this bother you so much? Does it change his character? Is he apologetic? Are you more upset that he didn't tell you, or that he's looking at a 'real' girl (they're all 'real') on a computer screen instead of looking at you? Do you talk openly about your sexual wants? All good questions to ask, IMO.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I don't think I could stay in that relationship. But it's not my choice to make. It's yours.

    Counseling is always an option. I think if you were married or there were children involved, I'd recommend that before saying maybe it's not a good idea to stick it out. But I wouldn't blame you one bit if you dumped him.
  • tabinmaine
    tabinmaine Posts: 965 Member
    I would have two issues with this...

    1) if he has a low sex drive and not into having real life relations with you very often than he has no right to be on a site like that, he should be bringing it to the bedroom and use anything he has left over for this internet stuff , keeping you happy should be his 1st priority if he has low sex drive, I am not knocking him for this but he needs to consider that any time he is "in the mood" it should be directed at you since it does not happen often...or so he says....

    2) The $ involved....You could have bought a new heartrate monitor for that that costs for 15 min LOL
  • Christina1007
    Christina1007 Posts: 179 Member
    Right, so I have a very!!! similar situation to yours. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and recently he has been visited escorts websites and watching porn online.

    I have nothing against watching porn(I do it too) and it is harmless as long as it doesn't affect your sex life.

    Visiting escorts sites is a different story altogether. You can actually meet up with one of these girls and have real sex.

    Now, that I find cheating. Of course, he might not go that far, but still the thought was there. I made a huge deal about it and split up for a couple of days. I made him crawl back and have sex with me for as long as I wanted him to and now we're ok. If he ever refuses sex with me, I will always hold this against him :)
  • FITnFIRM4LIFE
    FITnFIRM4LIFE Posts: 818 Member
    This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

    This
  • Tybalt71
    Tybalt71 Posts: 1,064 Member
    Right, so I have a very!!! similar situation to yours. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and recently he has been visited escorts websites and watching porn online.

    I have nothing against watching porn(I do it too) and it is harmless as long as it doesn't affect your sex life.

    Visiting escorts sites is a different story altogether. You can actually meet up with one of these girls and have real sex.

    Now, that I find cheating. Of course, he might not go that far, but still the thought was there. I made a huge deal about it and split up for a couple of days. I made him crawl back and have sex with me for as long as I wanted him to and now we're ok. If he ever refuses sex with me, I will always hold this against him :)
    CALLME, i'll be your rebound-Ty
  • sunshinedazed
    sunshinedazed Posts: 61
    As someone whose (now ex) fiance used the internet as an avenue for cheating, I'd say.. be wary. Porn is porn. Paying a woman to do things specifically for you isn't porn. It's infidelity, and as someone else manged, fiscally irresponsible. How you choose to take your journey from here is your choice... but I'd reccomend counseling PDQ. If you can't sort out your communications issues BEFORE you're married...

    Well. It's pretty expensive to break up with a cheater once those papers are signed.
  • cainie19
    cainie19 Posts: 126
    To me, that sounds utterly vile. What he's done is a gross betrayal of trust and if you let it go and forgive him you could just open the flood gates to a whole host of other things which are worse and DO count as cheating - I would get RID.
  • ctraill
    ctraill Posts: 89 Member
    This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

    This

    That's silly. It's not as if she's tarnishing his reputation by talking to all their mutual friends about it -- this is something she needs to vent/solicit some advice about. If it were me, I'd feel way more comfortable on an online forum than telling my girlfriends who know him and possibly changing their opinion of him while I was figuring out what I wanted to do. Sometimes things happen in relationships where you need to go outside of the nest and talk to other people about what you're feeling. It's healthy and normal.
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
    I agree with the above poster who said there are trust and communication issues. As your fiance, he should feel comfortable telling you that he either wants to have more sex, watch more porn, or watch the webcam girls. He was probably embarrassed, or maybe he assumed it wasn't a big deal because you don't care about regular porn or strip clubs. Why does this bother you so much? Does it change his character? Is he apologetic? Are you more upset that he didn't tell you, or that he's looking at a 'real' girl (they're all 'real') on a computer screen instead of looking at you? Do you talk openly about your sexual wants? All good questions to ask, IMO.

    This.
  • Smuterella
    Smuterella Posts: 1,623 Member
    This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

    This

    That's silly. It's not as if she's tarnishing his reputation by talking to all their mutual friends about it -- this is something she needs to vent/solicit some advice about. If it were me, I'd feel way more comfortable on an online forum than telling my girlfriends who know him and possibly changing their opinion of him while I was figuring out what I wanted to do. Sometimes things happen in relationships where you need to go outside of the nest and talk to other people about what you're feeling. It's healthy and normal.

    Agreed. this is the "chitchat" section and anything can be posted here as long as it is within the site rules.
  • LovesGG
    LovesGG Posts: 241 Member
    I think that's your first huge red flag. Not only is he betraying your trust but he's also spending money on it? I think you need to be careful before stepping into marriage with him. It's not my place to tell you exactly what to do but if it were me, I'd walk out. I respect marriage as something that's sacred and I would prefer someone who is as committed I am physically and mentally.

    How do you put things into perspective? Think if it happened to your girlfriends, what would you tell them to do?
    It really helps to look from an outsider's perspective.
  • frosty73
    frosty73 Posts: 424 Member
    Trust me when I tell you .. this is only the tip of the iceburg. If he is this far into it already, there is alot more "porn" related things that you don't know about. It will only get bigger as time goes on.

    I am speaking from experience. My exhusband was big into porn and as the years went by it got bigger. I thought maybe it was me, that it wasn't exciting enough for him .. blah blah blah .. but I have recently found out that his now girlfriend is discovering his porn addiction and left him for it. It is an addiction for some people. At first it was just magazines and then it was videos ... then it was watching it online, then it was streaming it online .. then it was what you have discovered .. then it turned into text messages with girls.

    So .. its not you .. its not going to change. I don't believe HE ever thought it was cheating. I don't know if I would classify that porn part as cheating but when they start dealing with "live" people .. then I see it as cheating.

    This ^^^^^^

    I have no problems with porn, but it's a whole different ball of wax when you are dealing with a porn addiction. That is definitely what it sounds like to me. Normal men can enjoy porn but they will also jump at the chance for a real woman (i.e. YOU). If he's not that interested in sex with you, it sounds like he has a serious problem, something that has nothing to do with you.

    My advice would be to put the wedding on hold. I don't, honestly, think this will resolve and if you have your wits about you I think you'll end up going in separate directions. But I know how difficult it is when you are engaged, to call it off. Believe me, it's better than living with misery and ultimately ending up divorcing.
  • kurenaikumo
    kurenaikumo Posts: 271 Member
    I don't necessarily categorized the paying for porn sites as cheating, but it certainly is a big waste of money. Coupled with the fact he has searched up other women/escorts nearby, and has been making efforts to hide his porn watching, however, says to me there's definitely an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Personally, I wouldn't deal with it- big red flag IMHO.

    Bottom line- you're not married to the guy yet, no one says you have to marry him, either. If you don't like what he's doing, then simply let him go. After you marry them, their ugly habits only become more annoying and intolerable... TRUST ME.
  • stephyy4632
    stephyy4632 Posts: 947 Member
    I`m realy laid back when it comes to things like this as my hubby and I watch (porn) together and I am all for him going to the dance clubs to watch its just not a big deal to me and I think that helps our relationship because I trust him completely looking isn`t touching IMO. (not to mention the fun I have when he gets home lol "blush")
    With that said him looking in your local area (and his low sex drive tward you) for girls doing these things is kinda fishy to me I would be questioning that nothing wrong with alittle porn but when he starts searching for people local thats getting to be alittle more than just looking at kwim.
  • adrian_indy
    adrian_indy Posts: 1,444 Member
    You should be more worried about fact that this guy couldn't figure out where the free porn sites are. Doesn't sound like he's good with money.
  • Tybalt71
    Tybalt71 Posts: 1,064 Member
    BUSTED!-Ty
  • iuangina
    iuangina Posts: 691 Member
    To answer your question, no it is not cheating to me.
  • Wolkensdorfer
    Wolkensdorfer Posts: 6
    That's a really tough spot you're in. This happened to my girlfriend 10 years ago as well. She discovered he was doing this on a daily basis. I believe it is an addiction that will not get better and maybe even get worse.

    Onlly you can determine what's right for you and what you are willing to accept in your relationship. Good luck and keep the faith.
  • Christina1007
    Christina1007 Posts: 179 Member
    Right, so I have a very!!! similar situation to yours. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and recently he has been visited escorts websites and watching porn online.

    I have nothing against watching porn(I do it too) and it is harmless as long as it doesn't affect your sex life.

    Visiting escorts sites is a different story altogether. You can actually meet up with one of these girls and have real sex.

    Now, that I find cheating. Of course, he might not go that far, but still the thought was there. I made a huge deal about it and split up for a couple of days. I made him crawl back and have sex with me for as long as I wanted him to and now we're ok. If he ever refuses sex with me, I will always hold this against him :)
    CALLME, i'll be your rebound-Ty

    :smooched: Thanks Ty! payback time?!
  • rossi02
    rossi02 Posts: 549 Member
    Wow.. I'm really sorry. My take on it, be glad you two are just engaged and not married already. I would see this as a huge warning to get out. This should be the fairy tale part of your relationship, because getting married doesn't make things better, things get even harder. The fact that he's paying someone to do something for him, even if it is over webcam is what bothers me the most. Especially when he's denying you gratification that he's getting elsewhere. I would end things immediatly, take the time to deal with this and if you two are able to work things back out.. start the relationship over from scratch. I would not continue what you have going on now.

    Again, very sorry.. I can't image how hurtful it had to be to find this.
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    Maybe try to find out what he likes about the webcam thing and see if there's anything you can do that would turn him on. Maybe he has some sort of fetish but he's too shy to talk to you about it. If not just let him know he can watch all the porn he wants as long as he doesn't spend any money on it and doesn't chat with live girls.

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