Does this constitute cheating to you?

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Replies

  • 2April
    2April Posts: 285 Member
    I would dump him and let him focus his money and attention on getting you back. It sounds like he takes you for granted. If this turns out to be some kind of compulsion that he can't give up then I would break up for good. ( I would also continue to breach his privacy so I could make an informed decision about whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and whether I wanted him to be the father of my children).
  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
    Honey, I'd have a serious talk with him. If he can't commit to stop completely, then it's time to break it off. Whether you call it cheating or not isn't the real issue. A label isn't going to make or break it. The point is you're not even married yet and already he's decided that he needs something else. If he's not willing to wait until you're married, what will he do after you are married?

    In addition, he's spending money to do this, which is worse b/c it's a waste of money. You already know he's looked for local women. There's no reason to do this unless he intended to meet up with them. You know this even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. I'm not trying to hurt you, but I think you already know this. Either he agrees to quit entirely or you need to realize that he's not going to be faithful and call it off.

    hugs
    Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.

    Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
    I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).

    He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

    I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

    I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.

    What would you do???
  • Dudagarcia
    Dudagarcia Posts: 849 Member
    YES
  • dansls1
    dansls1 Posts: 309 Member
    Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
    Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
    The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
    Communication is key.
    Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
    The best things in life are worth fighting for.

    Exactly. It's not cheating because he's intereacting with webcam girls, it's cheating because he's doing it behind your back.
  • Stymie977
    Stymie977 Posts: 12 Member
    If you have to ask then it probably is.
    Next you have to dig deep and be honest with yourself. Is this something you are going to be able to "let go", or will it haunt you forever. If you think it may be in the back of your mind always, then it may be time part ways. If tt will be something that you are always going to be wondering or thinking about, you probably arent going to be happy.
    At the same time you know him better than any of us, and we have only what you have said. If you believe your relatinoship can move past this, whether it is on your own or with the help of a pro, then dont give up. No relationship works without communication. You both need to talk about it. Try to keep an open mind, and remeber to listen, and think before you speak.
    Just my opinion.
  • HLeAnn
    HLeAnn Posts: 261 Member
    Porn is not a big deal. My bf and I both watch it on occasion. But what you described is NOT just a quick visual fix to get off. Paying live women to do things on camera is crossing the line, in my opinion. Especially if he's searching locally. I'm sorry...hopefully you two can have an open conversation about this issue and work through it. If you can achieve that, I wouldn't call this issue a deal-breaker.


    Good luck:flowerforyou:
  • theoneandonlybrookie
    theoneandonlybrookie Posts: 341 Member
    I personally wouldn't consider that cheating, but clearly it is to you because of your reaction to it. That's what matters.

    I believe that we all have different boundaries in our relationships, and he needs to respect yours.
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    I don't think it matters whether other people think it's cheating or not - I think what matters is that it upset you.

    From your post - it sounds like it upsets you on two (maybe 3) levels - he's watching this as opposed to having sex with you, he's searching for local women which make the possibility that he will meet them seem real, and he's paying for it.

    That last one may seem like no big deal - but it is. Fiscal issues are a huge deal when you're married and I believe those sites can be really pricey. The sex issue is also a huge deal, particularly since he is still feeling sexual - just not toward you.

    Doesn't matter whether it's cheating or not. All that matters is that you work it out BEFORE you get married.
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
    I'd be more upset with his poor fiscal decisions. That is a lot of money just to watch something over a crappy webcam.


    my sentiments exactly is more like a sexual addiction if you are creeping around and paying for it being dishonest .. that's a lot of covering to do ..

    ** as far as cheating for me goes.. if he was just watching porn it wouldn't be a big deal , if he has to watch porn away from you or tries to cover it up its sketchy, if he is searching people in your area then I would guarantee that he was planning or seriously fantasizing peeping out these other broads. between the money the women and the questions of his possible fidelity I would give him the boot. to many levels of dishonesty for me.

    What if the tables were reversed Guys .. would it be cheating to you if a girls spending money making some guys perform webcam tricks? what if shes looking for men in her area , Men are pretty territorial as far as I have seen and I am pretty sure that "girl" would get the boot.
  • DieVixen
    DieVixen Posts: 790 Member
    Its not cheating yet.I would have no issue with whats going on,but the searching for local women is a bit of a red flag. I would also be pissed if he was spending OUR money on webcame *kitten* since he can get it for free from porn hub or you porn
  • barongaston
    barongaston Posts: 109
    I think you are missing the larger issue, If you ever trusted him, you don’t trust him anymore. The rest is fluff. You demonstrated that you don’t trust him by probing his other accounts looking for justification to call him a cheater and take your next actions.

    Communication is great, Communication is indeed the key but if you don’t trust what he is saying . . . . . walk away now. You have to be 100% honest with yourself or you’ll drive yourself nuts every time he gets on the computer wondering if he is trolling for "local girls"
  • ladylu11
    ladylu11 Posts: 631 Member
    so if you stay with him considering ALL the issues going on in this relationship. Do you honestly think a ceremony is going to make it better???

    Seriously, I'd be concerned about what he would be thinking he could get away with after he puts a ring on your finger if you stay through this.

    you need to marry a man that wants you and only you.
  • dmf80
    dmf80 Posts: 60
    Real men don't view porn, they get laid. Period.
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
    Well at least he wasn't going to strip clubs.
  • gumigal82
    gumigal82 Posts: 350
    It doesn't matter what I think, or what we here think, it's about what you think. You obviously view it as a betrayal of trust, and disgusting, which it is. If you believe it to be cheating, have a discussion with this guy about it. About what you think cheating is, and what he thinls the definition is. If you can, ask why he was doing what he was doing...if the answers mean anything.
  • chanstriste13
    chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
    cheating or no, the real question is if you can and will tolerate it.

    i would not.

    see? i'm walking away already.

    all the best to you. {{{hugs}}}
  • adrian_indy
    adrian_indy Posts: 1,444 Member
    Real men don't view porn, they get laid. Period.

    Real men/women have profile pics and open pages.
  • felice03
    felice03 Posts: 2,644 Member
    Set up your own site and him pay you?
  • cfriend71
    cfriend71 Posts: 207 Member
    That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

    Not ideal........

    This would concern me. If he's not having sex with you, then he may be getting it elsewhere.
  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
    this guy has other underlying issues. he needs to face them and decide if he can make a true commitment to you.

    you need to decide if he is capable of addressing those issues.

    do you really want this sort of baggage in a union that is set up for a life together?

    Go talk to him...but the truth might hurt you.
  • Darlingir
    Darlingir Posts: 437
    I guess it all depends on where YOU set Your bar for being with a person of integrity and honor. It would more than a red flag for me...
  • karinefitness
    karinefitness Posts: 336 Member
    At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.

    Exactly. It is not cheating to ME, but I guess it depends.
    Still, I'd be pissed... I'm not sure why or how I can explain this but paying some cam girls for shows is worse than watching random porn on the web, in my opinion. Maybe it's because there is interaction with those girls... I would be pissed... and then I'd be sad I guess.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    in my eyes, that would be cheating. Not so much the webcam part, though that would be upsetting and disturbing to me, but the searching for and messaging girls in your area seems shady.... You really need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him exactly how that made you feel and ask him how it would make him feel if roles were reversed, especially if you want to work things out.
  • karinefitness
    karinefitness Posts: 336 Member
    ... And searching for 'escorts' in the area? Well, that would be too much for me I guess :/
    Maybe it's only on webcam for now but what's next?
  • madyncaden
    madyncaden Posts: 290 Member
    i think it is cheating to some degree. my bigger concern would be what it could turn into. porn addiction is very real and has caused problems in marriages. i have a friend that her son started doing this, as people call it "innocent" but it became nothing but a HUGE problem. he began doing other things past the internet looking and he is now in some heavy counseling facility because of the other things that became involved. I know this is one case, but if it happened to him i believe it can happen to anyone. just some info, hope everything turns out for you. and just remember you are worth someone that only has eyes for you:) best wishes!!
  • Rhea30
    Rhea30 Posts: 625 Member
    If it was just the webcams then might be okay but the whole combination of web cam and looking up women in your area would bother me since it seems he's trying to get on a more 'personal' level then just looking at normal porn. Also if he wasn't honest in the first place and never let you know he was watching that stuff how are you going to know when he is telling the truth that he hasn't been with an escort or anything? He could easily wipe that stuff on the computer. You have to have honesty in a relationship.
  • Tybalt71
    Tybalt71 Posts: 1,064 Member
    Maybe the OP's BF is just looking for an opinion from the girlz on the webcam to discuss his personal private relationship to search for answers, he may have the same concerns as you and needs to vent-Ty just saying
  • buffybabe
    buffybabe Posts: 180 Member
    I feel like you could be dating my ex...In all seriousness though, I caught my ex with the SAME exact stuff. That being said, he was super upset that he was caught and apologized and I forgave him. Then he cheated on me. I guess I feel like someone that breaks a trust in one way, will do it in another. He obviously has some sexual issues, and from my experience, it only gets worse. I'm sure it's really hard since he is your fiance and all, but trust is such a huge issue.
  • CharleneExtreme
    CharleneExtreme Posts: 372
    Okay at first i found what he was doing disrespectful, yet slightly (very, very, VERY slightly) understandable because i falsely assumed he was compensating for you having a low sex drive. I wasn't even going to comment because i knew "men" and maybe some women would try and take his side. But the fact you've a higher sex drive than him - and yet he still did that, is downright disgusting. I say look at your username and do what it tells you; Run Rog, Run! You can do better - MUCH better. Get out of there before he does cheat. Or if you're a "Don't get angry, Get even" person, i suggest playing him at his own game and see how he likes it!!
  • galegetsthin
    galegetsthin Posts: 1,340 Member
    Apparently, I am the weirdo chick..........



    I would be pissed that he was spending money on it and I didn't get to watch it too. Porn is fun. Interactive porn is even MORE fun. It sounds like it bothers YOU though, and if it does, then it will cause major problems down the road. Either change the way you see it, or move on, but if you dislike it now, it will only bother you more and more............ You may wanna get some videos and some really sexy outfit and surprise him one night...... but try to actually enjoy it. When you watch, don't just see two people humping. Watch it and think about how it would feel for that to be you, or imagine doing that with her, or whatever. You may be surprised how much you like it if you give it a shot.........

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