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MyFitnessPal Community

Does this constitute cheating to you?

runrogrun

Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.

Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).

He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.

What would you do???

Replies

cjpg

Just because it's over the internet with a little anonymity does not discount the fact that he is having his own private 'sessions' behind your back. It's a trust issue.

People are weird. And people do crazy things. But this is something that he should have been open with you about because there's clearly some 'need' in his life that he is not getting elsewhere and is being pushed into this act.

Any conversation after this point should be in a place of understanding. Depending on if you want to patch things up with him, the only way it would work is to achieve more solidarity in the relationship by bridging gaps. Why did he feel the need to reach out to a random strangers and pay for it? Why is he keeping this from you? Why is he ashamed that you discovered this?

It's obvious to me that the place he has found himself in has lead him to become a person he doesn't like. So talk to him about it and don't hide from that big questions. You deserve for that man to look you in the eye and be honest with you. Otherwise it would be very hard to continue a relationship with distrust growing.

crisanderson27

This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

I don't agree... Sometimes the best advice, or the best way to see things more clearly is to get it from a person that has no stock in the situation...

Really? So have you hears his side too?

Because if not...you have no place to be helping anyone see anything. You don't KNOW any better than anyone else.

Uh-oh...sounds like someone is making a personal connection to this topic :laugh:

Did you seriously just say that?

First of all...I'm single. Second of all, I don't pay people to perform sexual acts. I haven't even been to a strip club in pushing 9yrs. Third...in my last major relationship..it was ME that was cheated on, ME that was lied to, ME that was used. And it was MY kids that suffered when their mother turned to all her friends and family with her lies (which she fully has convinced herself is truth), looking for support for cheating and abandoning her kids 800 miles away to be with some moron who could care less about the consequences of HIS actions as well.

IF I'm making a personal connection (and I'm more than ok standing up for this part of it), it's to that. The fact that people don't stay out of others business. I've had, and seen...more relationships destroyed by people giving one sided advice without any thought to the circumstances or realities of the situation, to the other persons side...or to the consequences of giving their advice in the first place. It ruins families, and thank God there's no children involved this time, because who knows what kind of effect all this wonderful advice might have on THEIR lives.

I'm 150% sure that if your boyfriend/husband were turning to others to help him judge you for things you may, or may not have done, with only his side of the story as evidence, you might be seeing things from a different viewpoint.

All I'm saying out of this, is that no one knows what's going on on the other side of the fence. He could have a disorder, he could be in a depression, he could be any of a million things. WE DON'T KNOW...and that's my point. But hey, you guys are the MFP judges and jury! I mean, after all...you can't see the carnage from YOUR laptop.

So, personal? Maybe...but certainly not to the aspect that you're suggesting.

Unrulychik

I totally consider it cheating..... I'm with the others, this isn't pre-made porn.... he's interacting with LIVE girls. Sorry, it's a no-no in my book.

Bahet

This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

I don't agree... Sometimes the best advice, or the best way to see things more clearly is to get it from a person that has no stock in the situation...

Really? So have you hears his side too?

Because if not...you have no place to be helping anyone see anything. You don't KNOW any better than anyone else.

OK, I'll bite. You're right. We don't know his side. However, I cannot think of a single legitimate excuse for wasting money webcam sexing with strangers online and running searches for hookers in the local area unless he's studying to be a psychiatrist specializing in sex addiction. But based on the fact that she didn't say that and said he apologized I'm going to bet that's not the case.

So, what could his side possibly be that would have everyone saying "Oh, OK, I didn't know that. Now it makes sense and seems perfectly reasonable."??

Scott613

What would you do???

I'd leave you for invading my privacy:flowerforyou:

crisanderson27

This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

I don't agree... Sometimes the best advice, or the best way to see things more clearly is to get it from a person that has no stock in the situation...

Really? So have you hears his side too?

Because if not...you have no place to be helping anyone see anything. You don't KNOW any better than anyone else.

OK, I'll bite. You're right. We don't know his side. However, I cannot think of a single legitimate excuse for wasting money webcam sexing with strangers online and running searches for hookers in the local area unless he's studying to be a psychiatrist specializing in sex addiction. But based on the fact that she didn't say that and said he apologized I'm going to bet that's not the case.

So, what could his side possibly be that would have everyone saying "Oh, OK, I didn't know that. Now it makes sense and seems perfectly reasonable."??

I don't think you're understanding. I'm not defending him...at all. I don't know him, I don't care to know him...additionally I don't know anything about their situation.

Neither do you, except the parts you've read on an internet forum. Because we all know the internet is littered with unbiased posts from level headed people who have no emotional stake in what they're posting about...right? No one comes to the internet for advice in a situation like hers...without any preconceptions, and with all the information (some of it she may not even be open to SEEING yet!) so people she doesn't even know can make judgements on her situation.

Of course not.

/sigh

KrisyKat

This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

I don't agree... Sometimes the best advice, or the best way to see things more clearly is to get it from a person that has no stock in the situation...

Really? So have you hears his side too?

Because if not...you have no place to be helping anyone see anything. You don't KNOW any better than anyone else.

Uh-oh...sounds like someone is making a personal connection to this topic :laugh:

Did you seriously just say that?

First of all...I'm single. Second of all, I don't pay people to perform sexual acts. I haven't even been to a strip club in pushing 9yrs. Third...in my last major relationship..it was ME that was cheated on, ME that was lied to, ME that was used. And it was MY kids that suffered when their mother turned to all her friends and family with her lies (which she fully has convinced herself is truth), looking for support for cheating and abandoning her kids 800 miles away to be with some moron who could care less about the consequences of HIS actions as well.

IF I'm making a personal connection (and I'm more than ok standing up for this part of it), it's to that. The fact that people don't stay out of others business. I've had, and seen...more relationships destroyed by people giving one sided advice without any thought to the circumstances or realities of the situation, to the other persons side...or to the consequences of giving their advice in the first place. It ruins families, and thank God there's no children involved this time, because who knows what kind of effect all this wonderful advice might have on THEIR lives.

I'm 150% sure that if your boyfriend/husband were turning to others to help him judge you for things you may, or may not have done, with only his side of the story as evidence, you might be seeing things from a different viewpoint.

All I'm saying out of this, is that no one knows what's going on on the other side of the fence. He could have a disorder, he could be in a depression, he could be any of a million things. WE DON'T KNOW...and that's my point. But hey, you guys are the MFP judges and jury! I mean, after all...you can't see the carnage from YOUR laptop.

So, personal? Maybe...but certainly not to the aspect that you're suggesting.

Dude...RELAX!!! No one wants to hear your sad story. We're offering our opinions to the OP, not your defensive *kitten*!!! Obviously, none of us know the "full story" or, as you would put it, the multitude of viewpoints that result in people doing shady *kitten*.

I merely pointed out that YOUR RESPONSE showed a personal connection to the topic of cheating; which, according to your comments above, is 100% true.

If you're going to get all butt-hurt about what people say in forums, perhaps you should stop reading them!!!

HonkyTonks

I don't consider it cheating. To me it is the equivalent of going to a strip club and ordering a lapdance.

But clearly you have some trust issues that you need to work on.

MeBeEmmDee

It's cheating. If he's replacing you with a website or anything else, it's cheating.

chrisc16

That's a betrayal of trust. Is it cheating? That's up to you to decide if that is acceptable to you from someone who loves you. Only you can answer that question, as only you have to live with the answer.

Good luck.

marcia724

I'm so sorry...I think any type of porn is a form of cheating.

myogibbs

Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
Communication is key.
Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
The best things in life are worth fighting for.

I agree. I would feel betrayed. It kind of raises a red flag to me that he is looking in your area. Sounds like you both have some soul searching to do. Best of luck to you...been there & it isn't pleasant, but the growth you gain is totally worth it in the end. You are stronger than you think...whatever you do, please just don't settle....you are worth it....

Sierra_419

its not cheating but he IS wronging you. .
sounds like these acts will or have already lead to him cheating on you..
idk... id give him one chance to clean it up & not do it anymore .. maybe figure out why he started doing this stuff in the first place & go from there.... *it all depends on your relationship.

SkettiGurl

I think you've had your answer on this and I gather you feel cheated on. but here is my 2 cents worth...

I'm on the fence about the porn thing. If it takes away from your sexual relationship then yes it's a problem.

Live Cam I would say Yes, defininitely qualifys as cheating. He is INTERACTING with these women, it is no longer a fantasy.

I would suggest counselling to see if you can fix your relationship. Good luck hun.

crisanderson27

This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

I don't agree... Sometimes the best advice, or the best way to see things more clearly is to get it from a person that has no stock in the situation...

Really? So have you hears his side too?

Because if not...you have no place to be helping anyone see anything. You don't KNOW any better than anyone else.

Uh-oh...sounds like someone is making a personal connection to this topic :laugh:

Did you seriously just say that?

First of all...I'm single. Second of all, I don't pay people to perform sexual acts. I haven't even been to a strip club in pushing 9yrs. Third...in my last major relationship..it was ME that was cheated on, ME that was lied to, ME that was used. And it was MY kids that suffered when their mother turned to all her friends and family with her lies (which she fully has convinced herself is truth), looking for support for cheating and abandoning her kids 800 miles away to be with some moron who could care less about the consequences of HIS actions as well.

IF I'm making a personal connection (and I'm more than ok standing up for this part of it), it's to that. The fact that people don't stay out of others business. I've had, and seen...more relationships destroyed by people giving one sided advice without any thought to the circumstances or realities of the situation, to the other persons side...or to the consequences of giving their advice in the first place. It ruins families, and thank God there's no children involved this time, because who knows what kind of effect all this wonderful advice might have on THEIR lives.

I'm 150% sure that if your boyfriend/husband were turning to others to help him judge you for things you may, or may not have done, with only his side of the story as evidence, you might be seeing things from a different viewpoint.

All I'm saying out of this, is that no one knows what's going on on the other side of the fence. He could have a disorder, he could be in a depression, he could be any of a million things. WE DON'T KNOW...and that's my point. But hey, you guys are the MFP judges and jury! I mean, after all...you can't see the carnage from YOUR laptop.

So, personal? Maybe...but certainly not to the aspect that you're suggesting.

Dude...RELAX!!! No one wants to hear your sad story. We're offering our opinions to the OP, not your defensive *kitten*!!! Obviously, none of us know the "full story" or, as you would put it, the multitude of viewpoints that result in people doing shady *kitten*.

I merely pointed out that YOUR RESPONSE showed a personal connection to the topic of cheating; which, according to your comments above, is 100% true.

If you're going to get all butt-hurt about what people say in forums, perhaps you should stop reading them!!!

Or yourself, making random judgements on people you know nothing about? There's very little difference between your sarcastic comment aimed at me, and my sarcastic comment aimed at members of this forum passing judgement on someone they don't know either. The cheating aspect that you're claiming now is my 'personal tie'....it isn't even relevant...that was well over a year ago, I won custody of my kids...and she's busy wallowing in the misery her lies created for her. The LAST thing I harbor is bitterness over THAT mess. The only negative aspect I do still hold onto is some frustration for my childrens sake, in that if people had forced her to look at her actions, instead of making judgements without ANY information...she might have ended up getting the mental help she needed, and my kids lives wouldn't have been ripped to shreds.

Anyhow, it's the lack of personal responsibility inherent in handing out advice on someone elses relationship that I find pathetic.

And again, to everyone else...I don't condone what she said he's done...regardless of whether the act itself is cheating, IF he did what it is she says he did behind her back it's wrong. I simply refuse to judge it other than to tell her only she can choose, and all the 'help' she gets from all these people online...isn't going to help her a bit.

Nikki_42

Girl, get real... step out of your denial stage and kick his *kitten* to the curb!! This is beyond your average porn, he is seeking out other women... if hasn't cheated already, he's planning on it. His spending money seeking "other" women... ok... get it????? " Other women, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!! I don't wanna sound cruel, but you did come to "us" for advice and thoughts, but if I were you.. I'd be seeing a doctor and getting myself checked out. Stop and ask yourself... are you not more deserving than this??????????????

^^This.

2April

I don't consider it cheating. To me it is the equivalent of going to a strip club and ordering a lapdance.

But clearly you have some trust issues that you need to work on.

I'd consider it cheating (and creepy) if he went to a strip club alone and ordered lap dances. I think that is different than going with a bunch of friends.

acrossthesea_

I consider this cheating, but hey, that's just me.

Nikki_42

I would NOT consider that cheating. Porn is healthy and normal and fun. I think it's silly to get upset over something so small.

It's small that...."He'd also searched on <the internet> for women in our area - most of these people are escorts"? Wow. Really?

Fieldsy

I would NOT consider that cheating. Porn is healthy and normal and fun. I think it's silly to get upset over something so small.

Lol, yea and searching for local women.

He is having fun alright. If I were the OP Id chop his nuts off.

connie_messina

At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.

exactly!!!

cass89

That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

Not ideal........

i have this exact same problem, however i am grateful my boyfriend only looks at porn ... not women in our area ... but yes, he's not intereseted in having sex with me but always looks at internet stuff. it's a horrible feeling but i have offered him we can do anything he wishes ect but still wont take the bate. but if he was looking for women in our area i'd be shattered.

emmlovesyewx3

uhhhh i wouldnt be okay with that.

ForeverIrish

Porn is one thing. Done together, it might actually make for an interesting evening.

The webcam thing, paying for 'stuff' and searching local escorts makes me squirm.

In principle I agree with Fieldsy regarding the nut chopping, but knowing that law enforcement would not appreciate hauling you away, the best thing I can tell you is...

RUN. Don't walk away from this guy.

And as for fiscal irresponsibility: You're engaged and probably trying like hell to pay for a nice wedding, and he's spending money on THIS? Egad.

AlayshaJ

Once upon a time I was 7 months pregnant and my husband watched porn on my computer. I threw a sippy cup full of liquid at the back of his head. I did not hold back.

*It was the hormones, normally I don't care. I just wanted to tell someone the story.

Its cheating. I would leave him. I have weird issues though from growing up with my parents. Leaving someone you love is inevitable at some points in your life. Its a pick and choose battle. Sometimes you just need to leave. This would be one of those situations for me. I have a policy "If you have to say sorry in the first place, you don't deserve forgiveness" Saying sorry just pisses me the f off, there is no meaning behind just simply saying "sorry" then feeling bad about it. Telling me that you didn't realize it would hurt me, that was not your intention, and you won't do it again, while being genuine is the ONLY thing I accept and will consider forgiveness. I'm pretty unforgiving though... My husband is a saint when it comes to dealing with me. ;P lol

But yeah. Thats not acceptable.

vickthedick

Depends on your rules, that is where communication comes in. i kiss girls, the fiance watching a whole barrel of porn but it is ok because we've established ground rules. If you don't talk how is anyone to know where the lines are.

Amanda_Rae_Rae

I see it as cheating.... Reconsider marrying this guy. He has eyes for other women and you aren't even married yet.

Fieldsy

Any guy who watches porn that has a girl with a high sex drive has red flags all over it.

RachFace1000

I see cheating as doing whatever you wouldnt want your partner to know about, or if your partner did this would you consider it cheating (when it comes to YOUR inner morals about cheating). I think that because he was so upset about you finding out (and he was obviously keeping it as a secret) that i would consider it cheating. but that's really up to you do decide. It all comes down to how comfortable you really are. I would also personally take this as a red flag that it could continue further from there. Best of luck sweetheart

Lolli1986

At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.

yeah, totally agree. looking in your area is dodge.

I have the same problem with my misses. I have a higher sex drive. Maybe he does just want to be more adventurous. Maybe he's too tired for the real thing so would rather use porn for quickness lol. Talk to him.

These are good questions. Too tired is lame though... there are lots of ways around this.

Also, wtf... you have the higher sex drive but he is the one seeking porn? Something's up for sure, and hopefully it is just a curiosity thing, but I've been on both sides of the 'higher' or 'lower' sex drive...if mine was higher I sought other means, if his was higher he sought other means. Not the other way around. o_O