Fiance tries to stop me going to Zumba?

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Replies

  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    Somebody has some major insecurity going on. He seems concerned with you being out in the world, being exposed to DUN DUN DUN other people.
  • meg7399
    meg7399 Posts: 672 Member
    I find people who are telling you that you need to run and NOT get married are not being really helpful. He is allowed to have opinions and vocie them to you. At the same time you get to be your own person and he should let you. So far it only sounds like he is a homebody and doesn't like you leaving. Do you leave a lot, work long hours, not have places for the kids to go? These are all things we don't know and maybe he feels he has a lot dumped on him. Not that you should every change your habits...but find ways to work with him. Just because you like going out and he likes staying does not mean the marriage won't work. My BF usually prefers staying in...I like going out. When he does go out he likes time with his boys. We make it work and sometime dinners alone at home are the best times I have with him. He is important enough to me that I would never ditch him over difference of opinions like this. Once you have ALL these things in mind then you can decide if its worth working for or not.
  • Dayna154
    Dayna154 Posts: 910 Member
    Control issues are a precursor to later abuse..
    Talk to him, get some help or be prepared to live your life as he sees it or have a constant fight..
    Seriously look at your relationship.. I hope I’m wrong but do some research...
  • melissanne81
    melissanne81 Posts: 34
    He sounds controlling. If I were you I'd think twice about marrying him.
  • jaxbeck
    jaxbeck Posts: 537 Member
    RUN :noway:
  • alexiaans
    alexiaans Posts: 113 Member
    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:

    THIS.

    You are about to marry this guy so clearly its not as bad as it seems right? Just know that it WILL not change without work that you AND HIM are willing to do, TOGETHER.

    Good luck.
  • monipie
    monipie Posts: 280 Member
    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:

    i agree, somewhat. every situation is different but i do think that you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. he is being a bit controlling. it is best to nip it in the bud before it gets worse. best of luck!
  • chantels1
    chantels1 Posts: 391 Member
    He sounds very insecure. My BF is the same way and that is why I won't marry him. We recently found out he has Dependent Personality Disorder. I know the stress they put you through when you want to go out, but you need to do it. This controlling behavior is not acceptable, and you are a grown woman. Just because you want to improve yourself doesn't mean you will cheat or lose interest in him! Stand your ground and eventually he will come around. Usually after a big blow up from me, mine comes around, but a relationship is two individuals coming together as a family, and if you can't be an individual, you should get out our you will feel suffocated the rest of your life. Maybe counseling will help him?
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:
    ^^^


    ^^^^This resolve this issue now!...or live a lifetime with a clingy, possessive, controlling husband.

    sorry Hun I wish you the best!
  • LeggyKettleBabe
    LeggyKettleBabe Posts: 300 Member
    stupidity is not a reason for marrying. please reconsider and dump the controlling jerk.
  • mdmchoco
    mdmchoco Posts: 15 Member
    Don't marry him! A successful long term relationship should never prevent you from doing what you want to do, within reason of course.
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    I don't want to scare you or make you think that this example is your life... I have been through alot of it...My ex used to be so controlling of me loosing weight well after we got divorce I found out that he didn't want me to better myself and move on.....(he had been refusing to work out or help me but was "working out" with another woman) Also DATE NIGHTS are VERY VERY important something I have had to learn the hard way from my last marriage.

    And I agree with the others.... Getting married will only make those issues worst. Marriage in my opinion and experience NEVER fixes issues like that.

    I hope you are able to articulate and hopefully he understands and respects you. I have an issue with my husband now on his effective communication skills...(they suck) and it can make it very hard when one person says one thing (like their ok with you planning something) but really doesn't want it and then you find out months later via a fight that they never wanted to do it...

    Prayers you way my dear. I only wish you the best.
  • ttaylor68913
    ttaylor68913 Posts: 320 Member
    i read the title of this thread... and swear to god the words "KICK HIM THE NUTS AND GO ANYWAYS" flew out of my mouth...my husband now thinks i've lost it...
  • Circle12
    Circle12 Posts: 22
    Yikes.......I had one of those and threw him back into the Pond.. I hate to even say this but if he cannot support you in something so personal as weight you have more problems in the relationship than you thought. Time to clear the air and get the real story.
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
    Get out now. This is NOT a healthy relationship and by giving into him, you are reinforcing his insecurities. It will ONLY get worse.
    GET OUT NOW!

    but don't listen to me- go ahead & ruin your life while you're young sweetie

    You'll have your old age to regret it, if he doesn't kill you

    exaggerate MUCH!? This is so extreme, I don't even know what to say.
  • seebeachrun
    seebeachrun Posts: 221 Member
    Sounds to me like he's afraid you're going to lose weight and get fit and then attract other men. He's probably afraid that you'll be so hot that you'll be irresistable to other men that are better looking than him and that as a result you might decide to dump/not marry/divorce him for some other guy. It's only going to get worse unless he also chooses to lose weight and/or get fit with you. You need to figure this out now before you get married because as PP's have said, it's only going to get worse once you're married and you probably shouldn't be married to someone that wants you to be unhealthy.
  • elguapo911
    elguapo911 Posts: 33
    I would run as it is not going to get any better. You've got yourself a control freak. Seriously he *****es because of an hour and half with your mom? Does he have any friends? Is he insecure? As a dude I never really understand this kind of crap. Tell him to come with you or get the eff out of the way and get a life of his own.
  • new2locs
    new2locs Posts: 271 Member
    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:

    What she said^^^^
  • CIndyTilton
    CIndyTilton Posts: 5 Member
    My first thought was that he seems to be controlling. Bottom line is that that without open communication things will not work. If he loves you then he would be supportive of your changes that you are making to improve yourself and your health. If something makes you happy such as spending time with your mother he should respect the fact that you have a good relationship with her. You are not even married and there are problems so I would definately not allow things to progress andy further.
  • cheeky1095
    cheeky1095 Posts: 83 Member
    Im sorry to say this but I have been here, child from previous relationship etc & it doesn't turn out well. He got to the point where I wasn't allowed out, he would bad mouth all my friends, tell me they had reputations & that if I hung out with them I'd be tarnished with the same reputation. He even made me cancel a holiday I had planned with my friends before I even got with him. Needless to say I eventually "snuck out with my friends" on a night out, he found out & got physically abusive, the physical abuse then turned out to be a regular occurence whenever he felt I had done something wrong.
    I have my parents to thank for making me see that he was controlling my life & I shouldn't ever let a man raise their hand to me, they also pointed out that considering he wasn't my childs father what sort of an example was I setting for her. For her to grow up thinking that it was ok to be controlled by her partner?! I didn't want my daughter growing up to think that, I wanted her to grow up seeing that relationships are equal & loving. So I did the best thing I ever did, I kicked him out of my house & never spoke to him again.
    We can all tell you what to do but I think it's safe to say that if you have put up with your partner & his ways for 9 years you are more than likely going to continue to do so!
  • onedayillbeamilf
    onedayillbeamilf Posts: 966 Member
    I find people who are telling you that you need to run and NOT get married are not being really helpful. He is allowed to have opinions and vocie them to you. At the same time you get to be your own person and he should let you. So far it only sounds like he is a homebody and doesn't like you leaving. Do you leave a lot, work long hours, not have places for the kids to go? These are all things we don't know and maybe he feels he has a lot dumped on him. Not that you should every change your habits...but find ways to work with him. Just because you like going out and he likes staying does not mean the marriage won't work. My BF usually prefers staying in...I like going out. When he does go out he likes time with his boys. We make it work and sometime dinners alone at home are the best times I have with him. He is important enough to me that I would never ditch him over difference of opinions like this. Once you have ALL these things in mind then you can decide if its worth working for or not.


    I'm sorry, but if someone is nagging because they didn't like you being gone 1.5 hours with your MOM, then something ain't right. There's a difference between enjoying spending time with someone and being straight up controlling. Telling her she can't leave the house 2 times a week....that's controlling.
  • wackyfunster
    wackyfunster Posts: 944 Member
    hey, people, come on. This sounds like a regular insecure guy who just wants his woman around all the time. You have no idea what their relationship is like.

    Do you work nine to five?
    You have three children, are you a budget friendly family?

    Sometimes other factors come into behavior when people act this way. It doesn't neccesarily mean she's in an unhealthy relationship. I would talk to him. See if he just misses time with you, and going out to zumba takes what little time you have together away. Maybe he's jealous that you're going out and he's stuck at home. I would do what others suggested and take walks together and talk. Talking is the best way to work through things. Some times all it takes is a little communication and people feel more secure and happier to let you do your own thing without worrying about things. You know? but they are right, if you don't get into the habit of communicating your feelings together, then things will get worse when you do get married.
    Best response so far. Communication is vital in any relationship.

    I wonder how many of the 'omg dump him' people are happily married/able to carry on a functional relationship? From the other comments in most of those posts, I'm guessing not many. I don't take advice on how to be healthy and fit from unhealthy people. I definitely wouldn't take advice on relationships from people who are unable to have a healthy one.

    The fact that you are posting on an internet message board before you talk with him about this doesn't bode well. Why don't you ask him what specifically is bothering him, and discuss what you can do to make this work for both of you? Don't listen to the "it's all about you!" crowd... they are dysfunctional human beings who will never be able to maintain a healthy long-term relationship. Relationships only work when BOTH people spend more time thinking about the OTHER person in the relationship than they do about themselves.

    Also, all the 'it gets worse when you get married' people make me sick. Why did you get married to someone who makes you unhappy? I just don't understand these people.
  • Expialidojess
    Expialidojess Posts: 441 Member
    Um, yeah, NOT cool. You've been with him for this long and he can't even bear for you to leave his side to go workout or spend time with your mother?? You say he's always like this when you lose weight. Red flag! Stand up for yourself or it will only get worse!
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
    Since you already have a child and have been together for quite some time this is probably not advice you want to hear or will take any notice of. But personally, I'd suggest you consider DTMFA.
  • GasMasterFlash
    GasMasterFlash Posts: 2,206 Member
    It kills me how everyone assumes that the OP is innocent and are not concerned about her real motives for wanting to go to Zumba.
  • Di3012
    Di3012 Posts: 2,247 Member
    Hi I'm getting married in December we've been together 9 years I'd like to have an extra 50lbs off by then including the 25lb I lost. (I've 70lbs to goal )
    My fiancé always tries to get me to stay home and not go to Zumba I do it 4 times a week at home and 2 classes but he's like stay home don't go di it here etc , I know he thinks it's a waste of money but I need to go its something for me as I never go 'out'
    He's the same when I went for coffee in a cafe with
    my mum I was gone 1.5 hours went looking round shops when I got back he was like why you take so long?

    We never go out as a couple we've a daughter together and I've 2 from my ex marriage it's his birthday Tuesday he choose to go for a family meal Sunday which is nice but I'd like date nights.

    Felling abit sad ...... It always gets like this when I lose weight, well we rarely go out but used to a few years back

    Any ideas? I have talked to him he's like No babysitter ... My mum offered !

    He is finding excuses why not to go out, how convenient it is that he uses the babysitter as his reason.

    You best make it clear that you want to go out, as a couple, without the kids in tow on the odd occasion and if that means your mum babysitting, then so be it.

    Not being funny, but how dare he even question your coffee time and your zumba. Does he not go out to do his own thing?
  • Di3012
    Di3012 Posts: 2,247 Member
    Get out now. This is NOT a healthy relationship and by giving into him, you are reinforcing his insecurities. It will ONLY get worse.
    GET OUT NOW!

    but don't listen to me- go ahead & ruin your life while you're young sweetie

    You'll have your old age to regret it, if he doesn't kill you

    Flipping heck, that is a little bit strong, you make him sound like the Yorkshire Ripper!!!! LMAO
  • TheWinman
    TheWinman Posts: 684 Member
    Huge RED flag with this potential marriage. He either does not trust you, is insecure and does not want you to lose weight because of the attention you will be getting from other guys, is a jerk or all of the above!
  • AmberLee2012
    AmberLee2012 Posts: 540
    He sounds very controlling. He should be rooting you on to be your best and healthiest self. He may be afraid that if you slim down, you might not want to be with him any longer. I've been in a relationship similar to this before and it's very unhealthy. Controlling behavior such is this is a form of abuse in my opinion. You don't really get to live your life when you have to constantly answer to someone. I hope you continue with your Zumba and don't let him deter you. This is for you, and for your children, so you can be around for them in the future.

    My ex would call me if I was 3 minutes late from getting home from work. He would move his truck and park it behind my car in our driveway. He would screen my calls. When we first met we did a lot of things together and then when I moved in with him, I wasn't allowed to see my friends, talk to my family, etc. I left him after he asked me to marry him. I went back once, for a week, and it made me realize that my choice to leave the first time was the right one. We were just roommates for the most part.

    I met my now husband soon afterwards and we've been together for almost 8 years. He supports me and even is doing the C25k with me even though he doesn't need to lose weight. We still do a ton together and he encourages me to see my friends and family. I know you probably weren't looking for this type of response, but trust me when I say, guys like him do not change. You deserve to be happy and healthy. We have one life, we need to live it! <3

    If you are looking for buddies, feel free to add me :)
  • HeealthyMee
    HeealthyMee Posts: 62 Member
    After reading your post I felt sad. Your taking control of your eating and exercise, now take control of your life. Tell your fiancé that it's important to you to get out and do things you love. Be honest with yourself and him. You HAVE to take time for yourself and NOT feel guilty about it. We have your back.

    This. Absolutely. You have one life to live and it is yours. Your significant other should support you and push you to meet your goals, not sabotage them. I'm not going to offer advice on the relatipnship as I'm not in the relationship, but you need to look long and hard at what makes you happy. Whatever that is - do it. And don't let anyone stop you.
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