Fiance tries to stop me going to Zumba?

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  • mommyhof3
    mommyhof3 Posts: 551 Member
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    hey, people, come on. This sounds like a regular insecure guy who just wants his woman around all the time. You have no idea what their relationship is like.

    Do you work nine to five?
    You have three children, are you a budget friendly family?

    Sometimes other factors come into behavior when people act this way. It doesn't neccesarily mean she's in an unhealthy relationship. I would talk to him. See if he just misses time with you, and going out to zumba takes what little time you have together away. Maybe he's jealous that you're going out and he's stuck at home. I would do what others suggested and take walks together and talk. Talking is the best way to work through things. Some times all it takes is a little communication and people feel more secure and happier to let you do your own thing without worrying about things. You know? but they are right, if you don't get into the habit of communicating your feelings together, then things will get worse when you do get married.
    Best response so far. Communication is vital in any relationship.

    I wonder how many of the 'omg dump him' people are happily married/able to carry on a functional relationship? From the other comments in most of those posts, I'm guessing not many. I don't take advice on how to be healthy and fit from unhealthy people. I definitely wouldn't take advice on relationships from people who are unable to have a healthy one.

    The fact that you are posting on an internet message board before you talk with him about this doesn't bode well. Why don't you ask him what specifically is bothering him, and discuss what you can do to make this work for both of you? Don't listen to the "it's all about you!" crowd... they are dysfunctional human beings who will never be able to maintain a healthy long-term relationship. Relationships only work when BOTH people spend more time thinking about the OTHER person in the relationship than they do about themselves.

    Also, all the 'it gets worse when you get married' people make me sick. Why did you get married to someone who makes you unhappy? I just don't understand these people.

    ^^^This. My husband was similar to this. I didn't back down but I did talk to him. He wasn't trying to control me; however, he was concerned that if I lost weight I would find someone else. I reassured him that I loved him and was only doing this for me and that he is the one to reap the benefits. It took some time for him to come around but he did. Now we are doing P90x together. I didn't push him, he just started to see the differences in me. I am doing great! He is doing great! We are doing better than we ever were (17 years together). I couldn't imagine if I would have taken advice like this and left him :brokenheart:

    PS: He didn't like me to go out to long when the kids (3 of them) were younger because he felt overwhelmed. He is fine now that the youngest is 7. Do you leave the kids with him when you go out?
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Thanks for all your replies but overwhelmed

    I went to Zumba
    Before I went I said if you keep saying don't go & don't go on date nights were not getting married

    Got back I asked for real reasons

    1. He misses me when I go
    2. He likes us to spend time in the evenings together
    3.Date nights due to restricted money, we just brought a new business

    I'm not leaving him he's got insecurities
    I have asked him why before
    We have our own business so are together a lot

    Leaving someone you love as they are insecure isn't going to sort it out taking the children away and losing our business if we split

    I agree we need to do more talking he's said we will go on walks & for drinks alone and talk about it

    I wanted to see if anyone else had an unsure partner

    I appreciate you all taking the time to reply

    Btw I am going to zumba
    I don't dump on him
    He's said he's scared I'll go off with someone else

    x
  • sobriquet84
    sobriquet84 Posts: 607 Member
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    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:

    yup. if its bad BEFORE marriage, then think about how bad it'll be AFTER getting married.

    pssssst red flag.
  • MogwaisGrandma
    MogwaisGrandma Posts: 196 Member
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    Have date nights at home then. When the weather is better go out into the garden/back and set up the table and chairs. Light a Chiminea ( if you have one) and spend time together there.

    I agree dumping him is not what you need to do. You love the guy, he loves you and so you need to work through each issue.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
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    I was married to a 'insecure' aka controlling possessive husband....wasted 12 of my life waiting for him to change. Tears, frustration, fights, sacrificing some of the things I love the most. Guess what....he never changed. I got smart and dumped his *kitten*. I'm in a happy healthy relationship now. My X was not half the man my boyfriend is now!!! Just think....i might have stayed with my X because after all he was only 'insecure'. I'm so glad I got the courage to leave!

    Good Luck, I'm glad you 'talked' to him. I hope you realize that it's going to take a lot more than talk to make it work. It's going to take change!
  • Jugie12
    Jugie12 Posts: 282 Member
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    If he's not somebody that encourages you to have a healthy life in whatever way you want to go about having it, I would seriously reconsider the relationship.



    Exactly.
  • julieh1973
    julieh1973 Posts: 128 Member
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    I have been with my husband 18 years and we were both jealous and insecure in the beginning. Since our relationship has matured well this is my advice:

    Time apart brings more to the relationship, if you only talk to him and the kids after a while you are boring, he is bored and you are resentful. Secondly, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, he has to respect your needs and not make you feel guilty for pursuing them- you respect his, reassure and encourage him to do something that he enjoys without you. Absence makes the heart fonder and can also ignite a passion. Positive reinforcement also has its benefits, when he is supportive of you, let him know how much you appreciate him and let him know how sexy his self confidence is when he is not being insecure.

    The economy stinks so come up with creative ways to have cheaper dates: kids at babysitter then dinner and movie at home, picnic & a walk in the park, some woman (myself) enjoy dressing up and having somewhere to go - so eat dinner at home then go somewhere nice and split an appetizer and enjoy a couple of drinks, another option is that lunch dates are typically cheaper than dinner dates.

    Good luck and if you can not get him to make some progress you seriously should evaluate the relationship before you grow to resent the control.
  • lmalaschak
    lmalaschak Posts: 346 Member
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    This isn't the way a man is supposed to treat his wife. I have a husband who is fabulous, always wants to spend time alone with me and take me on dates, and is always looking for ways to make sure that I am enjoying life. He makes sure to clear his schedule sometimes so that I can go and have an afternoon out or do something with my sister, etc. We both go out of our way to do for each other. Your guy has problems.
  • lmalaschak
    lmalaschak Posts: 346 Member
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    But if you are parents, please find a counselor to talk to for the sake of your child. Go even if he won't go with you. Maybe things will improve!
  • westdove
    westdove Posts: 174
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    Glad you are not married yet....that is the biggest red flag ever, just waving in your face. Wake up!
  • childofArtemis24
    childofArtemis24 Posts: 334
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    yes when you get married it will get worse. And i would tell him that the class makes me feel great about myself. I tke a class 3 days a week and I love it. I am getting toned and feeling great about who I am . So just keep working on him. He needs to know that you 'need your time', too, so you can have fun and feel great.
  • iwantahealthierme13
    iwantahealthierme13 Posts: 337 Member
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    Don't marry this guy. I'm kinda sad for you because you wasted 9 years with a guy who treats you like this. You may say it's not that bad but deep down you'll know it's a lie.

    I was in a similar situation, but stayed only 2 and a half years (a year too long, as the second year was horrible and stressful as he tried to control everything and didn't let me be myself.

    RED FLAGS are waving at you!
  • kurairakuen
    kurairakuen Posts: 15
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    It kills me how everyone assumes that the OP is innocent and are not concerned about her real motives for wanting to go to Zumba.
    You're right. OP, are you wearing perfume and the FDS when you go to Zumba?
    Does your wife do that too? You need to nip it in the bud now.

    When I catch my husband doing that, I kick the gym bag out of his hand and tell him to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
  • joehempel
    joehempel Posts: 1,761 Member
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    Wow...the OP gave a very direct response about everything, and how they've talked about it, how he misses her when she's gone, and everyone is still like...OMG you need to leave!!

    WTF is wrong with everyone?? You have ONE side....ONE....that's it, it takes two....this who community needs to grow the hell up.
  • atjays
    atjays Posts: 798 Member
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    Sounds like he's overweight and afraid you'll meet someone better. Get him involved and on the healthy lifestyle track. Or tell him this is something you're doing for yourself and he needs to support you in your goals. Either way he's being unfair and unsupportive. Best of luck in your remaining weight loss!
  • grasshopper62999
    grasshopper62999 Posts: 1 Member
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    This is obviously important to you and makes you feel good about yourself. You are a person, not a possession - he does not own you and it sounds like he is not treating you with respect. You also need to treat yourself with respect, love who you are, and be who you want to be. If Zumba feels right for you, then keep going and have a great time! ... and find someone who will appreciate you.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Wow...the OP gave a very direct response about everything, and how they've talked about it, how he misses her when she's gone, and everyone is still like...OMG you need to leave!!

    WTF is wrong with everyone?? You have ONE side....ONE....that's it, it takes two....this who community needs to grow the hell up.

    Thankyou , your spot on.
    No wonder there's so much divorce & single parents when people leave at any problems.
    It was 'nice' to have replies but most of the ones who said Run, Red flag etc are very young or have had very bad relationships.
    To the people who are suggesting I'm not going to Zumba then I really think your being a troll
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Sounds like he's overweight and afraid you'll meet someone better. Get him involved and on the healthy lifestyle track. Or tell him this is something you're doing for yourself and he needs to support you in your goals. Either way he's being unfair and unsupportive. Best of luck in your remaining weight loss!

    Sounds like he's overweight ?
    He's 150lbs 5ft 10 & has a toned body he's a builder.

    Yes he's in confident
    I'm the one who's overweight, but I've more confidence.
    Thanks for good luck
  • kurairakuen
    kurairakuen Posts: 15
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    Wow...the OP gave a very direct response about everything, and how they've talked about it, how he misses her when she's gone, and everyone is still like...OMG you need to leave!!

    WTF is wrong with everyone?? You have ONE side....ONE....that's it, it takes two....this who community needs to grow the hell up.

    ^ This
  • Chubbyhulagirl
    Chubbyhulagirl Posts: 374 Member
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    From the OPs first post all I heard was she wants to go out. She could do zumba at home but would rather go outand pay to do it. She would like to go on dates with him but as a responsible father he doesnt want to leave their children and two arent even his. She took longer than expected having a coffee and he asked why. Really, no one else would do that? So, if your wife/hubby went to grocery shop, get their hair done or haircut or even workout and took double the time or even 30 minutes over normal you wouldnt ask what happened when they walked through the door? Thats not controlling, atleast when I ask, im just curious.
    Her second post shed a little more light showing that he does have some insecurities about her losing weight which is sad but still pretty typical for a large number of people who have spouses that are working out and getting fit while they do nothing. She also says they are financially frugal, whether by choice or necessity is unknown but they own a business so it makes since that they must be careful since their income comes from one source. He is willing to go on family walks and seems more than willing to communicate and look for solutions to his irrational fears. He seems like he has a little bit low self e steem but other than that a very responsible and caring husband/father. Jeez people judge much. Has no one had insecurities or low self esteem. Sometimes you can be ridiculous and thats where communication should come in, not hey gtfo! Seriously, not every guy is a controlling *kitten*.
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