VERY personal ~ TMI

1Corinthians13 · September 2009

Yes, incredibly simplistic example, but why would you hurt someone you love intentionally?

Exactly!! I remained very good friends with my ex after we stopped dating, but it made my bf uncomfortable even though he said he trusted me and knew nothing would happen. We'd been dating for a couple of months and it still made him uncomfortable and he asked me to stop seeing him. I then had to make the choice, stay friends with my ex, or be with my bf. i could've gone behind his back and stayed friends with the ex....but i didn't want to hurt him since i knew how much it meant to him.

I do agree completely. It takes both sides though - there has to be a compromise. In the original post, it's clear that her bf knew beforehand how she felt and still went behind her back. In my own situation, I knew from date one and didn't have an issue with it. There definitely is a difference, and I know that my bf wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me. Nor would I do anything to hurt him.

I think the issue isn't porn.
I think it's trust and open communication.
(I think that is the case in most issues that arise in marriage.)

Agreed.

:drinker: We agree!

fallangfit · September 2009

I didn't read everyone's post so maybe someone already suggested this but oh well...

I had a similar issue with my boyfriend when we started dating. He still wanted to be able to look at porn when I wasn't around (we were long distance and I kind of understood that) but I didn't want him to be looking at other girls. This may also be a little TMI, but as our compromise we decided that he could still look at naked pictures but that they would be of me. :blushing: I was VERY nervous about it and it made me self conscious at first but it definitely helped me gain confidence and actually added something to our relationship in the end, I think. Now we finally live in the same place and he still has the pictures of me and SOMETIMES I let him see other girls - but I am always there with him so that I feel like a part of it. I just feel better about it when I am a part of it.

CrystalT · September 2009

However, most women (including myself) do not want to give their man the same amount of attention that they would like. I'm just saying that if I'm not willing to give it to him, I have no problem with him taking care of himself. If he isn't looking at it in a physical picture, he's still picturing it in his mind. What's the difference??

I agree with your point and know what you're saying, but not all women are like that. Unless I'm physically not home or unable...I am more than willing and at least 50% of the time the initiator. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I just felt the need to defend horny women like me.

I would like to give him all he wants, but I need at least 6 hours of sleep. There are time when we don't manage to find the time until I'm just too tired and its so late it would make me tired for the next day, too. As long as that's not a problem, we're good to go. :smokin: I can actually say that he's turned me down more lately than I've turn him down. :laugh: But he's never turned me down in favor of anything else.

CrystalT · September 2009

I think the issue isn't porn.
I think it's trust and open communication.
(I think that is the case in most issues that arise in marriage.)

Agreed.

:drinker: We agree!
[/quote]

Absolutely!!!!

1Corinthians13 · September 2009

However, most women (including myself) do not want to give their man the same amount of attention that they would like. I'm just saying that if I'm not willing to give it to him, I have no problem with him taking care of himself. If he isn't looking at it in a physical picture, he's still picturing it in his mind. What's the difference??

I agree with your point and know what you're saying, but not all women are like that. Unless I'm physically not home or unable...I am more than willing and at least 50% of the time the initiator. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I just felt the need to defend horny women like me.

I would like to give him all he wants, but I need at least 6 hours of sleep. There are time when we don't manage to find the time until I'm just too tired and its so late it would make me tired for the next day, too. As long as that's not a problem, we're good to go. :smokin: I can actually say that he's turned me down more lately than I've turn him down. :laugh: But he's never turned me down in favor of anything else.

I get that. That happens to us during the week. Only he's the one who's too tired - he's 7 yrs older and works as a contractor - he runs his own business so not only does he do the manual labor, but he also has to deal with the customers and his employees. The week is tough unless we get it in before dinner or early in the morning.

Phoenix_Rising · September 2009

I think the issue isn't porn.
I think it's trust and open communication.
(I think that is the case in most issues that arise in marriage.)

Agreed.

:drinker: We agree!

Absolutely!!!!
[/quote]

:flowerforyou:

CrystalT · September 2009

A man looking at porn doesn't mean that he thinks his gf or wife is unattractive. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her with all his heart. My guy HAS taken pictures of me...and uses those instead of porn now. But it's proven that men's brains are different than ours. They are visual, whether we like it or not.

Ditto, to you, too!! :laugh:

(Sorry sis, if you see this. I know, TMI!!)

But by using this argument, you are saying that women -- being more mentally stimulated -- should be allowed to heavily flirt and even have cyber s3x, because that is what does the trick for us. ? :huh:

My mom once caught a friend's husband peeping in on her as she was changing. Mom was disgusted and informed her friend. The friend said, "I don't care who pumps up the tires as long as I get to ride the bike."

:sick: Not my style, for sure. Maybe I'm just greedy and needy, but I need ALL his attention.

Yet another person who likes to twist what other people say. I was not saying that at all. There is a difference between looking at an inactive person in a picture and involving another active person which both flirting and cyber s3x do.

And I bet if you really wanted ALL of your man's attention, you would have it. I KNOW I would have my man's. However, most women (including myself) do not want to give their man the same amount of attention that they would like. I'm just saying that if I'm not willing to give it to him, I have no problem with him taking care of himself. If he isn't looking at it in a physical picture, he's still picturing it in his mind. What's the difference??

Slippery slope there, suggesting men turn to nudie pics because their women aren't attentive.:indifferent:

Not if there are clear boundaries. Which part of having open communications. Hubby knows he can look at pictures, but he can't talk to other women. My husband and I talk and set up clear, defined boundaries not just with sex but also money and other things that cause people to fight. We rarely argue and when we do it is usually because of an extreme ammount of stress and is it always over something stupid and petty. Last time, it was over having to run to PetSmart to buy food for his leopard geckos. Just dumb.

llywyn · September 2009

Figured I'd throw my hat into the ring on this one.

I left my Ex- husband for this very reason. I left my job because the stress from it has literally hospitalized me (IBS, PTSD, and other issues). So I was a stay at home wife for about 2+ years, couldnt drive, no outside social interaction... a literal shut in at the age of 23.

He was my only interaction with the outside world... so when he got home instead of being with me, he went straight for the PC.

I finally got the strength to leave him somehow and went back to work, etc about 6 months later.

For me it was about the attention factor. Had he wanted to be with me the other stuff wouldnt have been as much an issue. But he stopped touching me intimately at all. That was a HUGE problem to me and my self esteem.

So super hugs to Phoenix and all the others that have been there. You are not alone.

April0815 · September 2009

I agree with alot of the posters on here on both sides. When me and my husband got serious I was the one to ask him if he wanted to watch porn together. Ofcourse, we didn't make it our 8:00 movie everynight, but once in awhile we would watch it and believe it or not it's a different kind of sex. We would get magazines to look at together. We have been married for 11 years and still have sex like we are newlyweds, I can't rub against him without him ready to do something. We don't watch porn anymore we just kind of got over it. The sex is still great. He would only want to do it together never alone. He use to say he didn't understand how men would just sit and watch it alone.

Now as far as the ex , that crosses the line. He has brought it to another level. That is something that needs to be discussed by yall together.

LittleEva44 · September 2009

So is a lap dance cheating?

Would he be comfortable if the roles were reversed and other men, including his buddies, were seeing you naked? (And yes, some men would be comfortable.)

(I hope no one reads "attitude" in my question. I promise there is none. I like debating points is all! )
*******************************

Phoenix, I just came back from Holy Bible Study and had a chance to respond. My huband is 40 years old and HAS been to titty bars. He points to our Zebra and other "Gentleman's club" and signs (ASL - American Sign Language), "I don't like those places! I went in there one night and spent $75.00" (mind you, that was many, many moons ago). He tells me, "All they want is your money" . DUH! (I actually signed D-U-H). He and I both agree :glasses:

For MOI, I don't need to do that. Heck, we don't SWING since I'm greedy :devil: :devil: I want my MAN all to myself :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:

Blessings!

Eva

BrendaLee · September 2009

What if you had just gotten over YOUR dislike for it and let him have HIS sexual freedom in his privacy? Then he wouldn't have to be secretive about something that shouldn't be a problem anyway, and you wouldn't have felt betrayed? It's not like you have to look at it just because he does. Just a thought.

Did you miss the part where he's "talking" to his ex online and the fact that this isn't just porn, but local women?

iplayoutside19 · September 2009

I've been lurking in out of this thread all day and just now have a chance to respond.

I've been happily married for 8 years. My wife may drop in on this conversation, she's a member too.
That being said. A lot of the examples listed above with porn are symptoms of something else going on in the relationship, and the porn is either an addiction or a way of acting out against another problem.

I've seen my share of porn. In college I had a subscrition to Playboy, and for the first part of our marriage I had a subscrition to Maxim Magazine, if you consider that porn. Currently I don't seek it out, but freinds will send texts and emails. I look at it, and delete it. There's the occasional trip to the strip club on a business trip or with a bachalor party. Having been to them a few times I have no use for them.

Just like you look at other men. Men are going to check out women, always have always will. Yes, there is self control involved. But to think you're going to stop it, you're just niave.

That being said If your guy loves you, no amount of porn, or hotties walking down the street are going to matter to them. Yes their eyes will wonder, but my expiernce it just gets us more excited to see the woman we love. If we love you, it is not about what you look like. If we love you we'll find a way to work what it out, whatever the problem is.

numberscolors · September 2009

personally, i think it's completely natural to enjoy pornography, whether you are male or female.

that said, in the past, i have been hurt by finding out about boyfriends viewing porn, because i felt that women that looked like me (chubby/fat/whatever) were never represented. or, if there were larger/normal-sized women in pornography, they were fetishized. i would get upset because i felt that i could never live up to the unrealistic, incredibly plastic way the women in porn appear and that my boyfriends preferred to look at those women over me.

i'm currently in a very committed long-term relationship with a man who looks at porn from time to time (maybe more, but that's his business). now that i have a little bit more self confidence and understanding of the human psyche, i recognize that he likes watching naked ladies and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me or our relationship.

he doesn't hold me to unrealistic beauty standards, just as i don't hold him to unrealistic "private time" standards. and EVERYONE (male or female) deserves some "private time"! :blushing:

dlestermfp · September 2009

There are a lot of sub-topics floating around in this thread. They all share a common theme, but they are each separate in their own way.

For the person who is getting together on-line with ex-girlfriends, there are precious few women who are going to be tolerant or understanding of that. I have a couple ex-girlfriends as Facebook friends, but I don't ever chat or private message with them, and my wife is a friend (as she should be) and can see all the same stuff I can. I have nothing to hide. I have a very simple rule I always follow. If I am about to do something I wouldn't want to do in full sight of my wife, I don't do it.

The recreational viewing of adult video (porn, whatever) is, for most anyway, a recreational choice. Those who find it offensive are usually hard-pressed to explain why. They will make up statements about women being degraded, which is rarely the case, or that it is morally reprehensible, which is a judgement based on values that not everyone shares.

Most of those excuses are just that; excuses. The real issue, most of the time, is the offended partner, which is nearly always a woman, is personally insecure and feels threatened by the material. Men are grossly outnumbered here, so I am probably about to get inundated with hate mail, but the reality is that these are your personal issues. You are with a man that likes to view beautiful women. Guess what? That is why he looked at you in the first place.

I am no spring chicken. I have had my share of years trying to change things about my partner and having my partner trying to change me. Luckily that is all behind me and my wife loves and accepts me for who I am, just as I do her. You cannot change your man's natural character any more than you can change your own. You can play the 'if you loved me you would...' card all you want, but he is not going to change. Love him, accept him, or leave him. It is that simple. You can find a man that doesn't have raging testosterone. The irony is that if you find him you won't want a thing to do with him.

Marla64 · September 2009

three cheers for the male perspective here-- thanks, guys-- iplay, and Lester, thanks for putting faces to this--

igmom · September 2009

My ex husband had a portrait studio set up at his sister's second home. He was taking pictures of naked college girls he recruited on the internet. This is why he is my ex.

My last boyfriend of over a year fessed up to an addiction to lapdances (the extra special kind that can transmit STDs). This is the reason that we are no longer together.

I haven't dated in over a year now. Can you blame me?!!! I do not blame my appearance for all of this. I do however blame my judgement in men.

As for men who simply look, are you kidding me?!!! I'd be happy to find one of those!

1Corinthians13 · September 2009

There are a lot of sub-topics floating around in this thread. They all share a common theme, but they are each separate in their own way.

For the person who is getting together on-line with ex-girlfriends, there are precious few women who are going to be tolerant or understanding of that. I have a couple ex-girlfriends as Facebook friends, but I don't ever chat or private message with them, and my wife is a friend (as she should be) and can see all the same stuff I can. I have nothing to hide. I have a very simple rule I always follow. If I am about to do something I wouldn't want to do in full sight of my wife, I don't do it.

The recreational viewing of adult video (porn, whatever) is, for most anyway, a recreational choice. Those who find it offensive are usually hard-pressed to explain why. They will make up statements about women being degraded, which is rarely the case, or that it is morally reprehensible, which is a judgement based on values that not everyone shares.

Most of those excuses are just that; excuses. The real issue, most of the time, is the offended partner, which is nearly always a woman, is personally insecure and feels threatened by the material. Men are grossly outnumbered here, so I am probably about to get inundated with hate mail, but the reality is that these are your personal issues. You are with a man that likes to view beautiful women. Guess what? That is why he looked at you in the first place.

I am no spring chicken. I have had my share of years trying to change things about my partner and having my partner trying to change me. Luckily that is all behind me and my wife loves and accepts me for who I am, just as I do her. You cannot change your man's natural character any more than you can change your own. You can play the 'if you loved me you would...' card all you want, but he is not going to change. Love him, accept him, or leave him. It is that simple. You can find a man that doesn't have raging testosterone. The irony is that if you find him you won't want a thing to do with him.

Excellent post. Excellent and true.

iplayoutside19 · September 2009

You can find a man that doesn't have raging testosterone. The irony is that if you find him you won't want a thing to do with him.

That's kind of the way I feel.

I don't want to be a defender of the male gender because there are plenty of d-bags out there. Just like there are plenty killer biatches out there.

CrystalT · September 2009

There are a lot of sub-topics floating around in this thread. They all share a common theme, but they are each separate in their own way.

For the person who is getting together on-line with ex-girlfriends, there are precious few women who are going to be tolerant or understanding of that. I have a couple ex-girlfriends as Facebook friends, but I don't ever chat or private message with them, and my wife is a friend (as she should be) and can see all the same stuff I can. I have nothing to hide. I have a very simple rule I always follow. If I am about to do something I wouldn't want to do in full sight of my wife, I don't do it.

The recreational viewing of adult video (porn, whatever) is, for most anyway, a recreational choice. Those who find it offensive are usually hard-pressed to explain why. They will make up statements about women being degraded, which is rarely the case, or that it is morally reprehensible, which is a judgement based on values that not everyone shares.

Most of those excuses are just that; excuses. The real issue, most of the time, is the offended partner, which is nearly always a woman, is personally insecure and feels threatened by the material. Men are grossly outnumbered here, so I am probably about to get inundated with hate mail, but the reality is that these are your personal issues. You are with a man that likes to view beautiful women. Guess what? That is why he looked at you in the first place.

I am no spring chicken. I have had my share of years trying to change things about my partner and having my partner trying to change me. Luckily that is all behind me and my wife loves and accepts me for who I am, just as I do her. You cannot change your man's natural character any more than you can change your own. You can play the 'if you loved me you would...' card all you want, but he is not going to change. Love him, accept him, or leave him. It is that simple. You can find a man that doesn't have raging testosterone. The irony is that if you find him you won't want a thing to do with him.

Awesome post!!

leavinglasvegas · September 2009

There are a lot of sub-topics floating around in this thread. They all share a common theme, but they are each separate in their own way.

For the person who is getting together on-line with ex-girlfriends, there are precious few women who are going to be tolerant or understanding of that. I have a couple ex-girlfriends as Facebook friends, but I don't ever chat or private message with them, and my wife is a friend (as she should be) and can see all the same stuff I can. I have nothing to hide. I have a very simple rule I always follow. If I am about to do something I wouldn't want to do in full sight of my wife, I don't do it.

The recreational viewing of adult video (porn, whatever) is, for most anyway, a recreational choice. Those who find it offensive are usually hard-pressed to explain why. They will make up statements about women being degraded, which is rarely the case, or that it is morally reprehensible, which is a judgement based on values that not everyone shares.

Most of those excuses are just that; excuses. The real issue, most of the time, is the offended partner, which is nearly always a woman, is personally insecure and feels threatened by the material. Men are grossly outnumbered here, so I am probably about to get inundated with hate mail, but the reality is that these are your personal issues. You are with a man that likes to view beautiful women. Guess what? That is why he looked at you in the first place.

I am no spring chicken. I have had my share of years trying to change things about my partner and having my partner trying to change me. Luckily that is all behind me and my wife loves and accepts me for who I am, just as I do her. You cannot change your man's natural character any more than you can change your own. You can play the 'if you loved me you would...' card all you want, but he is not going to change. Love him, accept him, or leave him. It is that simple. You can find a man that doesn't have raging testosterone. The irony is that if you find him you won't want a thing to do with him.

Excellent post. Excellent and true.

I agree, and also with songbyrdsweet!

Instead of calling men pigs and degrading them, the real topic is how YOU feel about this. If he is looking at porn (even local women) and it makes you uncomfortable that points to your own self-esteem issues and lack of trust in the relationship as it does not necessarily mean he has a problem. If there is a chance that he could cheat with a local woman and you don't trust him, there is no need to continue the relationship. No trust=constant judgement and stress.
So focus on why you are insecure, not why he is wrong. Whenever we feel uncomfortable it is always easier to find fault in the other person rather than deal with our own issues. Be strong and by that I mean, talk to him as openly as you have on here, let him know your expectations and insecurities. He may want you to participate, he may be ready to move on or he may just be a total d-bag. It doesn't matter, what matters is that YOU take charge of your end of the relationship and do your part.
If you don't approve of his actions and the two of you can't find common ground.... then there is no further discussion, you can't change him, he can't change you. Therefore there is no need to continue the relationship. End of story. (Walk away if that is what is necessary, with you head held high and forgiveness in your heart.) ((Forgiveness is for you, not him.))

I'm not at all trying to sound harsh and I am sorry if I do. I've had some relationships that resulted in cheating. The fact of the matter was that he had the problem, not me. I could have blamed him and held on to the dead relationship with anger, but there is no point in letting him have power over me. Sometimes its just time to move on and the first person who realizes it doesn't always handle it in the best way. (Women are just as A-hole-ish as men, we ust don't notice because we are supporting our sisters unconciously.)There are decent men out there, alot of them actually. Unfortunatley for me the ones around here are either married or gay:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

VERY personal ~ TMI

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