Fiance tries to stop me going to Zumba?

Options
1234568

Replies

  • Articeluvsmemphis
    Articeluvsmemphis Posts: 1,987 Member
    Options
    eh good luck with the marriage? :huh:
  • Topsking2010
    Topsking2010 Posts: 2,245 Member
    Options
    Living with a controlling person leads to a bad relationship!!! If you still want to get married consider pre martial counseling!!!
  • lamos1
    lamos1 Posts: 167 Member
    Options
    I agree with everyone else. This is only going to get worse. If it were me: I wouldn't be marrying him until he can stop being so insecure and let you be you. You don't have to stick up under him 24/7. He has some deep underlying issues that need to be address before you guys tie the not!
  • kympow
    kympow Posts: 145 Member
    Options
    .
  • gussde
    gussde Posts: 61 Member
    Options
    You need better support from a mate than what he is providing.
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    Options
    Sit him down and have a serious discussion. Let him explain to you exactly why he doesn't want you going to Zumba or why he seems to hound you about where you've been or the time it took. Basically let him tell his side of things, why he says no to some things, yes to others, decides on things with or without you, etc. The whole time do nothing but listen. If you get mad, tell him plainly that you would like to discuss this as these are important issues, but you want to do it without anger and then excuse yourself. When you're calm, whether that takes a few minutes or a few days, sit back down again and discuss your side. Do not accuse, point fingers, play the blame game or anything, simply let him know how you feel.

    The point is, you have to communicate with him and do it effectively instead of being passive aggressive about what he does/says or letting him get mad at you for things you know are not a big deal or could be easily handled. If you two can't do that by yourselves, get a couple's counselor to mediate and put you both in a neutral territory where you can talk there, get emotional there, and then LEAVE it there and not carry it home.

    Unless you're both making equal effort to effectively understand one another's views then yes your marriage may not last. You obviously see something in him worth marrying and he sees something in you worth marrying. It's the bad habits, the different views, and general relationship kinks you have to work out so you can keep seeing that reason or you can see that said reason isn't strong enough and go ahead and leave and have a valid reason to aside from simple lack of effective communication.
  • futuremalestripper
    futuremalestripper Posts: 467 Member
    Options
    It's amazing the amount of people that STILL continue to say leave.

    Jesus Christ....it's called working it out. You just don't give up on the person you're with because of one friggen thing. Especially after 9 years!

    I was recently divorced, married for 10 years (almost 11), and am now engaged to the woman of my dreams. Shes absolutely beautiful, the most beautiful woman I've been with (she's on this site we met here). Am I insecure about how good she looks, and about other people looking at her? YES. Is it something I'm dealing with...YES. Does that mean she should leave me...no!

    Look, he's not telling her to stay fat and un-happy, and doesn't sound like he's blaming the OP for anything, and it doesn't even sound like he is putting his foot down and crying like a 12 year old about her going....he's just saying he's not happy about it....and they are having a discussion....you know...like ADULTS DO!! Apparently 90% of the people on this forum haven't had an adult relationship. If you have had one, you know that giving up on someone over one goddamn thing is the most immature way to handle it.

    This ^
  • Semperfione
    Semperfione Posts: 109
    Options
    Love and Respect. Can you say you love him, can he say he loves you? Can you say you respect him brings a whole different meaning to him and you. No win situation here. Someone is not going to be happy.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    Options
    I think if you are going to reply then its best if you read all my responses

    I HAVE TALKED TO HIM
    HE TOLD ME HE MISSES ME
    HES ONLY LIKE THIS WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT
    IM NOT CHEATING OR LYING IM GOING TO ZUMBA AS ITS GOOD FOR ME
    I DONT LET HIM TELL ME WHAT TO DO,I GO AHEAD AND DO IT
    WE HAVE TALKED I EXPLAINED THIS
    I CAME ON HERE TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAD SIMILAR EXPERANCES
    WHY WOULD I LEAVE A GUY FOR INSECURITY
    WE HAVE SPENT 9 YEARS TOGETHER MARRIAGE WONT MAKE IT WORSE I WAS MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS TO ANOTHER GUY MARRIAGE DOESNT CHANGE A PERSON?

    If you had read my responses you would of known what was wrong,he misses me and is insecure as I lose more weight Ive reassured him I love and we spend everyday together we are self employes

    Thanks though appreciate you telling me to leave and split my family up as he had issues of losing me NOT
  • tammeegirl
    tammeegirl Posts: 27 Member
    Options
    I am not purposely being negative....but I would run as far away as I possibly could. He is a control freak, I had the same type of smothering relationship......THATS HORRIBLE FOR YOUR SELF ESTEEM. To be asked why you took an hour and a half with your Mother.....OMG he is very insecure for whatever reason. Someone that was loving and suportive of you WOULD WANT YOU TO BE WHO YOU ARE, THEY WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY, not keeping you inside all the time and discouraging you from having any interests outside the home......SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. :noway:
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    Options
    I think if you are going to reply then its best if you read all my responses

    I HAVE TALKED TO HIM
    HE TOLD ME HE MISSES ME
    HES ONLY LIKE THIS WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT
    IM NOT CHEATING OR LYING IM GOING TO ZUMBA AS ITS GOOD FOR ME
    I DONT LET HIM TELL ME WHAT TO DO,I GO AHEAD AND DO IT
    WE HAVE TALKED I EXPLAINED THIS
    I CAME ON HERE TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAD SIMILAR EXPERANCES
    WHY WOULD I LEAVE A GUY FOR INSECURITY
    WE HAVE SPENT 9 YEARS TOGETHER MARRIAGE WONT MAKE IT WORSE I WAS MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS TO ANOTHER GUY MARRIAGE DOESNT CHANGE A PERSON?

    If you had read my responses you would of known what was wrong,he misses me and is insecure as I lose more weight Ive reassured him I love and we spend everyday together we are self employes

    Thanks though appreciate you telling me to leave and split my family up as he had issues of losing me NOT

    If all it honestly boils down to is he's insecure and feels like there is a possibility of losing you from your weight loss, then maybe he needs to seek some counseling? It would give him a safe haven to express his worries and the therapist could suggest ways to help him become more confident and secure. At the same time maybe you could go a step further in your attention or affections towards him to basically reassure him. If he's worried where you really are, then call or text him every so often. Such as if you're leaving Zumba and going for coffee, say "hey Zumba just let out and [person's name] and I are grabbing coffee at [coffee shop name]. If I'm more than an hour I'll call/text you back." Or if he thinks you're not going to Zumba in the first place and he has the time, invite him to go with you and just sit in on the class.

    It may sound ridiculous or even like enabling his insecurity but if you go out of your way even just a bit to say "hey I'm really doing this" or "I'm not going to leave you just because I'm losing weight" then, hopefully, it will add up and build up that trust that he feels is waning or just lacking. You've been with the guy a long time, you have a family and you plan to get married, that's too much to throw away just because he feels like he's not good enough anymore. That can be fixed, but it takes time.

    And I know that last sentence is directed at others, but I wanted to say I'm always an advocate for people staying together and working things out unless it's something like actual abuse. Too many people want to crucify the other half in the situation from what is or isn't said or make up things to justify their need to say "you deserve better, kick 'em to the curb." I had that done to my relationship. I don't like seeing it done to others.

    Hopefully some of what I've said can help or lead to better ideas. I'm no expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I just wanted to be one of the people who weren't going to automatically tell you to hit the road and run when your situation doesn't even warrant entertaining the thought.
  • misssephy
    misssephy Posts: 23 Member
    Options
    I think if you are going to reply then its best if you read all my responses

    I HAVE TALKED TO HIM
    HE TOLD ME HE MISSES ME
    HES ONLY LIKE THIS WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT
    IM NOT CHEATING OR LYING IM GOING TO ZUMBA AS ITS GOOD FOR ME
    I DONT LET HIM TELL ME WHAT TO DO,I GO AHEAD AND DO IT
    WE HAVE TALKED I EXPLAINED THIS
    I CAME ON HERE TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAD SIMILAR EXPERANCES
    WHY WOULD I LEAVE A GUY FOR INSECURITY
    WE HAVE SPENT 9 YEARS TOGETHER MARRIAGE WONT MAKE IT WORSE I WAS MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS TO ANOTHER GUY MARRIAGE DOESNT CHANGE A PERSON?

    If you had read my responses you would of known what was wrong,he misses me and is insecure as I lose more weight Ive reassured him I love and we spend everyday together we are self employes

    Thanks though appreciate you telling me to leave and split my family up as he had issues of losing me NOT



    Ok, everyone calm down and stop telling the lady to leave her partner. Some of you obviously seem to have never had an adult relationship. Its not good for her, its not good for her three kids, and its not good for her partner to just throw in the towel.

    Now, you obviously know your fiance, why do you think he is insecure? Is he overweight himself but hasn't made the decision to try and work it off? He might feel threatened by that and feel you will lose interest in him as you grow healthier and he doesn't. It happens a lot.

    Is he worried about the cost of going to Zumba? I know before I got a gym membership that included fitness classes it was really expensive once I added up all the costs. Over £100 a month to be exact!

    Does he feel you are neglecting him and the kids to get fit?


    You could try and see if he wants to come along to Zumba with you or if he wants to try and get healthier too. If its about money cut down on other things you don't really need like booze or similar things.

    Once of the hardest things about being a couple is realising that you don't own each others time, even if you would like to.

    Overall you want to get fitter and healthier and thats the choice you have made for yourself. Your partner can't interfere with that. He is going to have to address why he is so insecure even after all this time of being together. If he can't, well its going to make the relationship really difficult and just depress you both.

    Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing?
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    Options
    I think if you are going to reply then its best if you read all my responses

    I HAVE TALKED TO HIM
    HE TOLD ME HE MISSES ME
    HES ONLY LIKE THIS WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT
    IM NOT CHEATING OR LYING IM GOING TO ZUMBA AS ITS GOOD FOR ME
    I DONT LET HIM TELL ME WHAT TO DO,I GO AHEAD AND DO IT
    WE HAVE TALKED I EXPLAINED THIS
    I CAME ON HERE TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAD SIMILAR EXPERANCES
    WHY WOULD I LEAVE A GUY FOR INSECURITY
    WE HAVE SPENT 9 YEARS TOGETHER MARRIAGE WONT MAKE IT WORSE I WAS MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS TO ANOTHER GUY MARRIAGE DOESNT CHANGE A PERSON?

    If you had read my responses you would of known what was wrong,he misses me and is insecure as I lose more weight Ive reassured him I love and we spend everyday together we are self employes

    Thanks though appreciate you telling me to leave and split my family up as he had issues of losing me NOT



    Ok, everyone calm down and stop telling the lady to leave her partner. Some of you obviously seem to have never had an adult relationship. Its not good for her, its not good for her three kids, and its not good for her partner to just throw in the towel.

    Now, you obviously know your fiance, why do you think he is insecure? Is he overweight himself but hasn't made the decision to try and work it off? He might feel threatened by that and feel you will lose interest in him as you grow healthier and he doesn't. It happens a lot.

    Is he worried about the cost of going to Zumba? I know before I got a gym membership that included fitness classes it was really expensive once I added up all the costs. Over £100 a month to be exact!

    Does he feel you are neglecting him and the kids to get fit?


    You could try and see if he wants to come along to Zumba with you or if he wants to try and get healthier too. If its about money cut down on other things you don't really need like booze or similar things.

    Once of the hardest things about being a couple is realising that you don't own each others time, even if you would like to.

    Overall you want to get fitter and healthier and thats the choice you have made for yourself. Your partner can't interfere with that. He is going to have to address why he is so insecure even after all this time of being together. If he can't, well its going to make the relationship really difficult and just depress you both.

    Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing?

    I have covered this
    He's 150lbs 5ft 10 a builder toned and fit
    Zumba costs me £24 p month
    I don't neglect him, I spend most my day with him we are self employed
    The children aren't young 17...13 our daughter is 7 she's his responsibility as well as mine
    I never go out other than Zumba and coffe with my mum or friend
    He has my attention every day

    He used to get :/ when I used to go online but just mainly use my phone as I'm not for sitting at a pc

    We are in the uk and we don't go to counselling like a lot of other countries I've had counselling for the way my father was but my partner wouldn't go to one as its not that common here

    We all have insecurities I don't believe anyone who denies that I have but he voices his

    Thanks for your thoughts
  • misssephy
    misssephy Posts: 23 Member
    Options
    I'm in the UK (Glasgow) too and I went to Relate and they were really good at helping me and my fiance solve our problems after things got tough. I would give them a call and see what they can do. Its a lot more common than you might think, loads of people go, We had a 3 month waiting list so trust me lots of people go, they just don't advertise it.

    Overall this is an unsustainable situation and its going to make you both unhappy if the two of you don't address it. That's what happened with me and my partner and we were literally ready to kill each other.

    Something has to give and you don't want it to be your future marriage. You have said you have talked to him and he has been a bit meh tell him that can't go on.

    If he loves you he will take on board what you say and take it at face value. If he keeps letting his insecurities get in the way of your relationship tell him it is only going to become worse as time goes by as you will both end up resenting each other.

    You have to force him to make and effort to change, only you know him well and you have to make the choice to try and make him feel happier and less insecure.

    Marriage does change people, if it didn't then what would be the point in getting that bit of paper? Serious relationships are about compromise and working together to benefit the relationship and it sounds like that's not happening somewhere along the line.

    There is absolutely no reason for him to be like this so you have to be cruel to be kind.
  • gardengals
    gardengals Posts: 46 Member
    Options
    Sounds like a control issue......
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    Options
    I'm in the UK (Glasgow) too and I went to Relate and they were really good at helping me and my fiance solve our problems after things got tough. I would give them a call and see what they can do. Its a lot more common than you might think, loads of people go, We had a 3 month waiting list so trust me lots of people go, they just don't advertise it.

    Overall this is an unsustainable situation and its going to make you both unhappy if the two of you don't address it. That's what happened with me and my partner and we were literally ready to kill each other.

    Something has to give and you don't want it to be your future marriage. You have said you have talked to him and he has been a bit meh tell him that can't go on.

    If he loves you he will take on board what you say and take it at face value. If he keeps letting his insecurities get in the way of your relationship tell him it is only going to become worse as time goes by as you will both end up resenting each other.

    You have to force him to make and effort to change, only you know him well and you have to make the choice to try and make him feel happier and less insecure.

    Marriage does change people, if it didn't then what would be the point in getting that bit of paper? Serious relationships are about compromise and working together to benefit the relationship and it sounds like that's not happening somewhere along the line.

    There is absolutely no reason for him to be like this so you have to be cruel to be kind.

    Relate friends have gone and it wasn't good , so tbh in all honesty is your relationship now perfect? There's nothing wrong at all ?
    We have been together longer than most marriages, we've been through a lot of awful stuff most relationships wouldn't survive. No marriage doesn't change most people I was married with my ex 6 years then married 10 years 16 years and marriage didn't change us I didn't stay in the relationship due to personal things which I won't say as I'll get torn apart for

    Every relationship has problems at some point I simply came here seeking someone's experiences who had experience with this being 80% say run tells me they run at the slightest problem in life.

    He's insecure ..... Basically that's it he doesn't want to go out as money's tight
    I got my answers I explained many times and people don't seem to read my responses

    The day someone shows me they're perfect relationship that has not one issue I will say hey well done.
    Thing is most if the people who keep dating marriage changes you are going by they're partners

    I Thankyou for your reply but I regret asking for a persons thoughts as I've been told do this do that which is 100% more controlling than he ever had been ?
  • Blondeweightloss
    Blondeweightloss Posts: 70
    Options
    Sadly I agree totally, he will think that a ring equates to ownership.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    Options
    Sadly I agree totally, he will think that a ring equates to ownership.


    Haha why's that because you know him

    I'm sorry but I'm asking for this to be locked now as 4-5 people only have made sense have experience

    ADMIN PLEASE LOCK THIS THREAD
    Thankyou
  • jjelizalde
    jjelizalde Posts: 377 Member
    Options
    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:

    Yep

    yes

    This.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    Options
    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:

    Yep

    yes

    This.
    Come back after 9 years with your husband 3 children a business ill parents and you are still together ill then say your justified to give a unthought about reply.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories