Fiance tries to stop me going to Zumba?

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Replies

  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    I think if you are going to reply then its best if you read all my responses

    I HAVE TALKED TO HIM
    HE TOLD ME HE MISSES ME
    HES ONLY LIKE THIS WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT
    IM NOT CHEATING OR LYING IM GOING TO ZUMBA AS ITS GOOD FOR ME
    I DONT LET HIM TELL ME WHAT TO DO,I GO AHEAD AND DO IT
    WE HAVE TALKED I EXPLAINED THIS
    I CAME ON HERE TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAD SIMILAR EXPERANCES
    WHY WOULD I LEAVE A GUY FOR INSECURITY
    WE HAVE SPENT 9 YEARS TOGETHER MARRIAGE WONT MAKE IT WORSE I WAS MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS TO ANOTHER GUY MARRIAGE DOESNT CHANGE A PERSON?

    If you had read my responses you would of known what was wrong,he misses me and is insecure as I lose more weight Ive reassured him I love and we spend everyday together we are self employes

    Thanks though appreciate you telling me to leave and split my family up as he had issues of losing me NOT

    If all it honestly boils down to is he's insecure and feels like there is a possibility of losing you from your weight loss, then maybe he needs to seek some counseling? It would give him a safe haven to express his worries and the therapist could suggest ways to help him become more confident and secure. At the same time maybe you could go a step further in your attention or affections towards him to basically reassure him. If he's worried where you really are, then call or text him every so often. Such as if you're leaving Zumba and going for coffee, say "hey Zumba just let out and [person's name] and I are grabbing coffee at [coffee shop name]. If I'm more than an hour I'll call/text you back." Or if he thinks you're not going to Zumba in the first place and he has the time, invite him to go with you and just sit in on the class.

    It may sound ridiculous or even like enabling his insecurity but if you go out of your way even just a bit to say "hey I'm really doing this" or "I'm not going to leave you just because I'm losing weight" then, hopefully, it will add up and build up that trust that he feels is waning or just lacking. You've been with the guy a long time, you have a family and you plan to get married, that's too much to throw away just because he feels like he's not good enough anymore. That can be fixed, but it takes time.

    And I know that last sentence is directed at others, but I wanted to say I'm always an advocate for people staying together and working things out unless it's something like actual abuse. Too many people want to crucify the other half in the situation from what is or isn't said or make up things to justify their need to say "you deserve better, kick 'em to the curb." I had that done to my relationship. I don't like seeing it done to others.

    Hopefully some of what I've said can help or lead to better ideas. I'm no expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I just wanted to be one of the people who weren't going to automatically tell you to hit the road and run when your situation doesn't even warrant entertaining the thought.
  • misssephy
    misssephy Posts: 23 Member
    I think if you are going to reply then its best if you read all my responses

    I HAVE TALKED TO HIM
    HE TOLD ME HE MISSES ME
    HES ONLY LIKE THIS WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT
    IM NOT CHEATING OR LYING IM GOING TO ZUMBA AS ITS GOOD FOR ME
    I DONT LET HIM TELL ME WHAT TO DO,I GO AHEAD AND DO IT
    WE HAVE TALKED I EXPLAINED THIS
    I CAME ON HERE TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAD SIMILAR EXPERANCES
    WHY WOULD I LEAVE A GUY FOR INSECURITY
    WE HAVE SPENT 9 YEARS TOGETHER MARRIAGE WONT MAKE IT WORSE I WAS MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS TO ANOTHER GUY MARRIAGE DOESNT CHANGE A PERSON?

    If you had read my responses you would of known what was wrong,he misses me and is insecure as I lose more weight Ive reassured him I love and we spend everyday together we are self employes

    Thanks though appreciate you telling me to leave and split my family up as he had issues of losing me NOT



    Ok, everyone calm down and stop telling the lady to leave her partner. Some of you obviously seem to have never had an adult relationship. Its not good for her, its not good for her three kids, and its not good for her partner to just throw in the towel.

    Now, you obviously know your fiance, why do you think he is insecure? Is he overweight himself but hasn't made the decision to try and work it off? He might feel threatened by that and feel you will lose interest in him as you grow healthier and he doesn't. It happens a lot.

    Is he worried about the cost of going to Zumba? I know before I got a gym membership that included fitness classes it was really expensive once I added up all the costs. Over £100 a month to be exact!

    Does he feel you are neglecting him and the kids to get fit?


    You could try and see if he wants to come along to Zumba with you or if he wants to try and get healthier too. If its about money cut down on other things you don't really need like booze or similar things.

    Once of the hardest things about being a couple is realising that you don't own each others time, even if you would like to.

    Overall you want to get fitter and healthier and thats the choice you have made for yourself. Your partner can't interfere with that. He is going to have to address why he is so insecure even after all this time of being together. If he can't, well its going to make the relationship really difficult and just depress you both.

    Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing?
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    I think if you are going to reply then its best if you read all my responses

    I HAVE TALKED TO HIM
    HE TOLD ME HE MISSES ME
    HES ONLY LIKE THIS WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT
    IM NOT CHEATING OR LYING IM GOING TO ZUMBA AS ITS GOOD FOR ME
    I DONT LET HIM TELL ME WHAT TO DO,I GO AHEAD AND DO IT
    WE HAVE TALKED I EXPLAINED THIS
    I CAME ON HERE TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAD SIMILAR EXPERANCES
    WHY WOULD I LEAVE A GUY FOR INSECURITY
    WE HAVE SPENT 9 YEARS TOGETHER MARRIAGE WONT MAKE IT WORSE I WAS MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS TO ANOTHER GUY MARRIAGE DOESNT CHANGE A PERSON?

    If you had read my responses you would of known what was wrong,he misses me and is insecure as I lose more weight Ive reassured him I love and we spend everyday together we are self employes

    Thanks though appreciate you telling me to leave and split my family up as he had issues of losing me NOT



    Ok, everyone calm down and stop telling the lady to leave her partner. Some of you obviously seem to have never had an adult relationship. Its not good for her, its not good for her three kids, and its not good for her partner to just throw in the towel.

    Now, you obviously know your fiance, why do you think he is insecure? Is he overweight himself but hasn't made the decision to try and work it off? He might feel threatened by that and feel you will lose interest in him as you grow healthier and he doesn't. It happens a lot.

    Is he worried about the cost of going to Zumba? I know before I got a gym membership that included fitness classes it was really expensive once I added up all the costs. Over £100 a month to be exact!

    Does he feel you are neglecting him and the kids to get fit?


    You could try and see if he wants to come along to Zumba with you or if he wants to try and get healthier too. If its about money cut down on other things you don't really need like booze or similar things.

    Once of the hardest things about being a couple is realising that you don't own each others time, even if you would like to.

    Overall you want to get fitter and healthier and thats the choice you have made for yourself. Your partner can't interfere with that. He is going to have to address why he is so insecure even after all this time of being together. If he can't, well its going to make the relationship really difficult and just depress you both.

    Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing?

    I have covered this
    He's 150lbs 5ft 10 a builder toned and fit
    Zumba costs me £24 p month
    I don't neglect him, I spend most my day with him we are self employed
    The children aren't young 17...13 our daughter is 7 she's his responsibility as well as mine
    I never go out other than Zumba and coffe with my mum or friend
    He has my attention every day

    He used to get :/ when I used to go online but just mainly use my phone as I'm not for sitting at a pc

    We are in the uk and we don't go to counselling like a lot of other countries I've had counselling for the way my father was but my partner wouldn't go to one as its not that common here

    We all have insecurities I don't believe anyone who denies that I have but he voices his

    Thanks for your thoughts
  • misssephy
    misssephy Posts: 23 Member
    I'm in the UK (Glasgow) too and I went to Relate and they were really good at helping me and my fiance solve our problems after things got tough. I would give them a call and see what they can do. Its a lot more common than you might think, loads of people go, We had a 3 month waiting list so trust me lots of people go, they just don't advertise it.

    Overall this is an unsustainable situation and its going to make you both unhappy if the two of you don't address it. That's what happened with me and my partner and we were literally ready to kill each other.

    Something has to give and you don't want it to be your future marriage. You have said you have talked to him and he has been a bit meh tell him that can't go on.

    If he loves you he will take on board what you say and take it at face value. If he keeps letting his insecurities get in the way of your relationship tell him it is only going to become worse as time goes by as you will both end up resenting each other.

    You have to force him to make and effort to change, only you know him well and you have to make the choice to try and make him feel happier and less insecure.

    Marriage does change people, if it didn't then what would be the point in getting that bit of paper? Serious relationships are about compromise and working together to benefit the relationship and it sounds like that's not happening somewhere along the line.

    There is absolutely no reason for him to be like this so you have to be cruel to be kind.
  • gardengals
    gardengals Posts: 46 Member
    Sounds like a control issue......
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    I'm in the UK (Glasgow) too and I went to Relate and they were really good at helping me and my fiance solve our problems after things got tough. I would give them a call and see what they can do. Its a lot more common than you might think, loads of people go, We had a 3 month waiting list so trust me lots of people go, they just don't advertise it.

    Overall this is an unsustainable situation and its going to make you both unhappy if the two of you don't address it. That's what happened with me and my partner and we were literally ready to kill each other.

    Something has to give and you don't want it to be your future marriage. You have said you have talked to him and he has been a bit meh tell him that can't go on.

    If he loves you he will take on board what you say and take it at face value. If he keeps letting his insecurities get in the way of your relationship tell him it is only going to become worse as time goes by as you will both end up resenting each other.

    You have to force him to make and effort to change, only you know him well and you have to make the choice to try and make him feel happier and less insecure.

    Marriage does change people, if it didn't then what would be the point in getting that bit of paper? Serious relationships are about compromise and working together to benefit the relationship and it sounds like that's not happening somewhere along the line.

    There is absolutely no reason for him to be like this so you have to be cruel to be kind.

    Relate friends have gone and it wasn't good , so tbh in all honesty is your relationship now perfect? There's nothing wrong at all ?
    We have been together longer than most marriages, we've been through a lot of awful stuff most relationships wouldn't survive. No marriage doesn't change most people I was married with my ex 6 years then married 10 years 16 years and marriage didn't change us I didn't stay in the relationship due to personal things which I won't say as I'll get torn apart for

    Every relationship has problems at some point I simply came here seeking someone's experiences who had experience with this being 80% say run tells me they run at the slightest problem in life.

    He's insecure ..... Basically that's it he doesn't want to go out as money's tight
    I got my answers I explained many times and people don't seem to read my responses

    The day someone shows me they're perfect relationship that has not one issue I will say hey well done.
    Thing is most if the people who keep dating marriage changes you are going by they're partners

    I Thankyou for your reply but I regret asking for a persons thoughts as I've been told do this do that which is 100% more controlling than he ever had been ?
  • Blondeweightloss
    Blondeweightloss Posts: 70
    Sadly I agree totally, he will think that a ring equates to ownership.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    Sadly I agree totally, he will think that a ring equates to ownership.


    Haha why's that because you know him

    I'm sorry but I'm asking for this to be locked now as 4-5 people only have made sense have experience

    ADMIN PLEASE LOCK THIS THREAD
    Thankyou
  • jjelizalde
    jjelizalde Posts: 377 Member
    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:

    Yep

    yes

    This.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:

    Yep

    yes

    This.
    Come back after 9 years with your husband 3 children a business ill parents and you are still together ill then say your justified to give a unthought about reply.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    This is my last response & view of my post

    I'm not leaving
    He's simply insecure
    All you who tell me to run take a look at your relationships look back after 9 years together and then you can give advice if you've experience of this subject

    I never tell people what to do
    I never give advice unless I've 1st hand experience

    Why

    How can you know anything about it?

    Think before you reply & then ask yourself why would you run out on a long relationship split a family up make yourself homeless a single parent as your partner misses you when your not there?


    Thanks to those who bothered with though out replies
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
    He sounds very insecure! 1.5 hours for coffee with you Mom and he is questioning you? I am sorry, but that is just wrong. He must have some serious trust issues to be jealous of you spending time with your Mom. Difficult as it may be (and easy for others to say), but it sounds like you need to move on OR get help from a counselor so he can work on his issues. You should be with someone who supports your goals and family relationships, not someone who wants you under their watchful eye and with them all the time. It just sounds unhealthy. If he can get help with his issues, maybe he can be that person? Take him to Zumba if he misses you so much?

    Good luck :)
  • Effervescent17
    Effervescent17 Posts: 61 Member
    If my husband did that to me...I would just tell him straight up it's my life and my me time and I need my time and there's really nothing you can do about it. That's me though, I don't know if you can talk to him like that. I have a very dominant personality and if he told me I couldn't go out and do zumba I would be so livid and he would never hear the end of it.
  • becoming_a_new_me
    becoming_a_new_me Posts: 1,860 Member
    Ummm....talking from experience I hear warning bells. Make sure he isn't going to be super controlling because that is the worst thing to have happen when you are married. Is he feeling a little insecure, or is he being controlling. You have to ask yourself "do I want to be with someone who doesn't want me to do anything but stay home with him all the time??" I mean, an hour or so to yourself doing coffee and shopping is not a long time at all...heck, that would take me all day. You need a man that will respect your space, so maybe it is time to sit down and discuss space and priorities.
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