My Husband Doesn't Understand - I Need Advice
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You and I are different. When I want something done, I just figure out a way to do it myself. And that's exactly what I would do if I were you. I'd do it myself.0
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I always worry that my husband gets sick of hearing about my weight loss and the next race happening in Utah. But you understand that balance in a conversation is important. I love to run or ride my bike and my husband just isn't interested in working out. However, we've started a new thing where He will choose the next location for me to run while he, being a hunter, scouts for deer, ducks etc., while I'm running around the pond. We've also had little trips where he rides a bike and scouts out duck while I'm running behind him making it a new challenge to keep up with his pace. That is the only way he will enjoy my workouts with me. If you get your husband and family involved, I believe it will make a world of difference.0
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2 hours a day of daily workout is a bit much. And if you are just talking to him about proteins, carbs, and just food in general then it seems you have lost balance in life.
While health is important, being "healthy" is also about balance. And it sounds to me like you're focus is just totally on you. You need to focus on him too.
I'd say drop an hour. You DON'T need to work out that much if you're balance is right.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
This is good advice too. I would suggest replacing your morning workout with an hour at the gym and using your evening workout to play a board game with your husband and daughter (or any other family activity). Don't talk so much about the fitness and nutrition at home. I think this could work out much better for you.0 -
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Tone back your crazy for a week or two. Go have something unhealthy and delicious from a restaurant. When your P90x is a few days from finishing, just casually mention it and ask him for a hand getting the bench set up.
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^^^ this and suggest a garage sale to get rid of some of the 'stuff' in the basement. All the toys and stuff you don't use. Just packing it up and lugging it out will be your weight workouts til you can get the bench set up. Spend the proceeds on something for the family - an outing or something fun.0 -
Tone back your crazy for a week or two. Go have something unhealthy and delicious from a restaurant. When your P90x is a few days from finishing, just casually mention it and ask him for a hand getting the bench set up.[
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^^^ this and suggest a garage sale to get rid of some of the 'stuff' in the basement. All the toys and stuff you don't use. Just packing it up and lugging it out will be your weight workouts til you can get the bench set up. Spend the proceeds on something for the family - an outing or something fun.
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Well, I'm going to tone down my crazy (ha! That makes me laugh!) definitely. I'm not going to let go of P90X though b/c we are taking a 10 day vacation in August and a long weekend in a couple weeks. So I won't be doing it then.
But I'll tone it down, focus on my family, and enjoy life for awhile. Try to let go of my obsession.0 -
The OP is asking for the most normal thing in the world... a bit of me time, to be fit and healthy, and a bit of space clearing out disused junk from the basement to do some weights at home.
Her training is done totally outside family time as she finishes work early afternoon.
However, smoking, non-exercising hubby, who thinks nothing of going fishing for 3 hours gets his knickers in a twist... and instantly some people are having a moral outcry of the OP neglecting her duties as a wife and mother, needs to reign it in, remember her place in life and go back to being a good girl pronto... and poor OP comes back with posts saying she is feeling guilty and ashamed.
Well done. I feel like someone has transported me back into the middle ages.
^^^^^ Exactly what I was thinking..thank you!0 -
There are a ton of responses here and I honestly didn't read them all so I don't know if my reply has been expressed already. My wife and I have been married 20 years and we've been together 25. There have been numerous times over the years when we're not in sync with each other regarding our interests. She started MFP about 6 months ago and became what I thought of as obsessed...entering her food on her smart phone while we were actually eating and our daughters were talking about their day at school, refusing to eat certain dinner foods that I had prepared (I was a chef in college so I do the cooking) and taking time away from work to go to the gym (she runs her own business so time away from work is revenue not earned). I started out upset but over time I realized there were a lot of good changes happening to her...physically & emotionally. There were other benefits (of a marital nature) that were also a result of her physical & emotional transformation and I started to realize I needed to either join her or risk losing her. I joined her and it's been great. I've lost 20lbs and have a new goal to lose another 30 and we're doing this together which helps us maintain a closeness born of shared goals that often is lacking when couples start to drift away from each other when the kids get older. For men, their wives are often their closest or possibly even their ONLY strong emotional relationship. Women routinely have emotional outlets and connections with their mothers, sisters, girlfriends, neighbors, MFP friends, etc. If we're lucky, men have one and are jealous and protective of their connection with their wives. Deep in our hearts we want you to be obsessed with us. If you understand this and work with this (ie: making sure when you are with him...be with him...don't be distracted by other obsessions - make sure he feels like he comes first) then eventually he will gain the confidence, maturity and wisdom to allow your other interests into the circle. The discussion of "bulking" is only an issue to distract from the emotional insecurity that all men feel but don't talk about. It took me all of my 46 years to figure this out...many men in their 20's and 30's wont understand this about themselves or be conscious of the issues. Until your husband develops this wisdom, set up the bench yourself but only use it when he's not around seeking his emotional connection with you. Better still, go to a gym and use their equipment while he's at work. Balance your new found (healthy) obsession with understanding his emotional needs. People in committed long term relationships do this...they understand each other's needs and work with them even if there needs to be a little compromise and/or manipulation in the mix. In my humble opinion....
^^^ Awesome!0 -
I've decided also to go back to making Wednesdays my rest days, since it's already a later evening.0
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I honestly can’t believe all the people on here that are saying "do it anyway" even if your husband does not want you to. Relationships are defined by compromise. He gives some and you give some.
He hasnt, as far as the basement goes. Its mostly HIS stuff down there that he doesn't use. I see no reason why she cant set up a weight bench to do a workout in the afternoon after work, that she does anyway. and still have the evening with the family.
Because it will start a fight. I agree with seeking a compromise on the issue.0 -
I honestly can’t believe all the people on here that are saying "do it anyway" even if your husband does not want you to. Relationships are defined by compromise. He gives some and you give some.
He hasnt, as far as the basement goes. Its mostly HIS stuff down there that he doesn't use. I see no reason why she cant set up a weight bench to do a workout in the afternoon after work, that she does anyway. and still have the evening with the family.
Because it will start a fight. I agree with seeking a compromise on the issue.
It would be like going behind his back to do something. The only way for me to make room in the basement and do it myself is to move around stuff that belongs to either him or our daughter - his daughter, my STEPdaughter. I can't do that. Even if she were my biodaughter, I wouldn't force her to get rid of her things or give them away without my husband's knowledge and support.
It's not that I need his PERMISSION. It's called mutual respect within a marriage. I don't even run to the store on my way home without giving him a heads up, so he knows I'll be a bit later than usual and doesn't panic. Half the time, he probably wouldn't even notice that I was home later. But it's out of respect and consideration for him that I tell him anyway.0 -
have you stopped to think about what this must be like from your husbands point of view? it sounds like you are so obsessed you even seem to resent your daughters toys taking up space that you could otherwise be using. maybe he is fed up of you doing nothing but exercise, healthy eating, reading about it, doing workout dvds etc, maybe you should go and do something together instead of always doing things by yourself. i know the quest for being slim attractive and healthy can be obsessive, and it sounds like your poor husband is getting bored of it all. no point in being slim if you wake up one day and find he has moved out!! go build the relationship up and give him some attention for once, surely he deserves it?0
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have you stopped to think about what this must be like from your husbands point of view? it sounds like you are so obsessed you even seem to resent your daughters toys taking up space that you could otherwise be using. maybe he is fed up of you doing nothing but exercise, healthy eating, reading about it, doing workout dvds etc, maybe you should go and do something together instead of always doing things by yourself. i know the quest for being slim attractive and healthy can be obsessive, and it sounds like your poor husband is getting bored of it all. no point in being slim if you wake up one day and find he has moved out!! go build the relationship up and give him some attention for once, surely he deserves it?
Have you even read the other posts throughout this thread?
I DO realize I've been neglecting him recently (and according to him, it's only been recently).
I do NOT RESENT my daughter's things - trust me. The basement filled with her things has already been an issue that my husband and I have discussed because she truly does not play with just about anything that's there. We've discussed efforts to go through it and give some things away because the girl has so much. Before my exercise equipment ever became an issue.
Please take the time to read my other posts and realizations throughout the thread before accusing me this way. That's not productive and only makes me resent YOU. There are better ways to suggest I give my husband more of my time.0 -
I think in your heart you know what to do. It's nice to ask and receive support, but go with your inner voice and trust it.0
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True, but what about those of us who desire more?Orthorexia is just as bad as anorexia, IMHO! Two hours a day? That's a bit much and not necessary for health or fitness.
I exercise 3 hours daily because of my love for sports and the desire to win. I am an athlete - not just some guy wanting to suck in his gut and buckle those pants. Goals change as we move up the mountain.
And consider this:
Most Americans watch 4 or more hours of TV per day.
Just sayin...:flowerforyou:
I'd like to address that too. I have to work out at least or almost 2 hours a day, or I don't lose. It is a fact of life.. the rest of my day is pretty sedentary, so i don't think two hours is that outrageous.0 -
I think in your heart you know what to do. It's nice to ask and receive support, but go with your inner voice and trust it.
I think you're right. And I guess it took...sort of fleshing it all out here to figure it out.
I'm going to make today a rest day. I'm dedicating the evening to my family. Period.
And we'll go one day at a time.0 -
Clean the basement out get rid of the toys and make room for the wii which is great for whole family and put the bench in yourself. That will be a tiny workout all in itself. When you want to obsess and talk about turkey jerky and workouts reach out to your computer and do it here. Save everything else for hubby
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I say ask a friend to come and bring the pinball machine to the dump or see if someone who fixes those things would like to buy it for a discount, then I'd put the foozeball table that nobody uses up on craigslist. Toys that your daughter doesn't use any more can be donated to Goodwill where another child can use them and you can get the tax right off and boom, tons of space for your weight bench.
I just saw a teeshirt that says "Obsessed is what the lazy call the dedicated" Not that your hubby is lazy, but if he's sitting watching TV why can't you be working out? I say go for it.0 -
I get the impression from reading your original post that he doesn't share the interest or enthusiasm for working out that you do. If not lifting or P90X maybe there is something else you can do together or with your daughter also that may not be an optimal workout for you, but still exercise and time together.
Another thing being a paranoid person that I am and overthinking everything. If you are always looking for the newest or best thing to add to your workouts, maybe you are looking for better in other things as well. It could be paranoia or fear that you'll ultimately want someone who shares your passion for fitness more. Sort of an "I'm not good enough anymore" type of thinking.
I'm not accusing at all, just something I thought could be possible.0 -
He's probably been feeling this way for a while, and the weight bench was a tipping point. Sounds to me like it's a good time to clean out the basement of things you no longer use and have a garage sale. You can use the money from the sale to do something together as a family. Making sure to have at least one night a week as a family will help keep him from getting jealous. Not sure how old your daughter is or if she's at an age where it would be appropriate, but she might enjoy working out with you. My mom is a runner and starting when I was 8 or 9 she began taking me to her Wednesday night track workouts. It was a fun way to spend time with her and got me started building healthy habits early.
You're not doing anything wrong by working out, just staying healthy and looking good, which he should support of course. My BF gets a little annoyed too when I go on my fitness rants, so I try to keep it to a minimum and make sure I ask him about things he likes like fishing. Try to find another friend you can chat fitness with so your hubby isn't the only one 0 -
Here's something you can do with your family. Clean your basement. Just to have a clean basement.
If you daughter is not ready to get rid of the toys down there, then buy some stackable bins & label them, sort the toys into them and stack 'em up. Write the date on them. If they are unopened in 6 months, drop them off at the Goodwill (do not open).
Check with your town/county for the next hazardous waste disposal day and get rid of the giant unused tv. Or put it on freecycle.
Regarding your 'obsessiveness' -- it's hard to tell if you are being over the top, or if your spouse is controlling, or maybe a bit of both?
On the one hand, if a majority of your conversations with your husband revolved around your fitness 'hobbies', well I can see where that could be boring, as it is not a shared interest for the two of you, so the 'conversation' is more of a monologue.
On the other hand, you say, " I DO want the weight bench, he sighs and looks at the TV or computer or something else he's doing and says "All right" or "We'll talk about it later" in that way that means he doesn't want to do it at all. "
Why does he get to blow off your request for help? Because it is not important to him? It sounds like he might be bit controlling (like saying you'll bulk up - don't you get to decide that?) But again it is hard to tell, it could just be heightened concern and a thoughless comment.
I guess what I'm saying is, ask yourself -- What do I want? -- then ask : Is it unreasonable? Is it unhealthy? Does it detract from family time? Is it harmful or hurtful? Is it taking my attention away from important issues/acting as a deterrant from maintaining a close bond with my spouse/family?
If the answers to these questiosn are "yes" then your spouse may have a point. But if the answers are No's, you might need to ask him these questions.0 -
have you stopped to think about what this must be like from your husbands point of view? it sounds like you are so obsessed you even seem to resent your daughters toys taking up space that you could otherwise be using. maybe he is fed up of you doing nothing but exercise, healthy eating, reading about it, doing workout dvds etc, maybe you should go and do something together instead of always doing things by yourself. i know the quest for being slim attractive and healthy can be obsessive, and it sounds like your poor husband is getting bored of it all. no point in being slim if you wake up one day and find he has moved out!! go build the relationship up and give him some attention for once, surely he deserves it?
I didn't get that at all. Lets face it, most kids can do with a lot less toys. If they are playing with 20% of their toys 80% of the time why not donate the ones they aren't using? Nobody is saying dump the toys without permission, but why not ask the child, how about we donate some of these toys you don't play with anyone more to children that don't have enough toys. Nobody needs all that clutter in their house.0 -
True, but what about those of us who desire more?Orthorexia is just as bad as anorexia, IMHO! Two hours a day? That's a bit much and not necessary for health or fitness.
I exercise 3 hours daily because of my love for sports and the desire to win. I am an athlete - not just some guy wanting to suck in his gut and buckle those pants. Goals change as we move up the mountain.
And consider this:
Most Americans watch 4 or more hours of TV per day.
Just sayin...:flowerforyou:
I'd like to address that too. I have to work out at least or almost 2 hours a day, or I don't lose. It is a fact of life.. the rest of my day is pretty sedentary, so i don't think two hours is that outrageous.
2 hours isn't that much and I don't think is obsessive. I will do a workout tape that is an hour and then usually go for an hour walk with a friend.0 -
I guess it's about compromise - you're already working out 2 hours a day and from his perspective, he is now hearing that you want to spend more time on your own doing your own thing that he is not involved in. If the situation was reversed would you perhaps feel a little left out?
I really do admire your efforts in terms of exercise and fitness. Maybe if you were thinking of doing the lifting instead of one of your other workouts though he'd not have an issue, but to add it to those AS WELL is just adding to the time you're spending apart. Maybe he just wants to spend more time with you.
Good luck, I hope you can find a way of working things out. 0 -
have you stopped to think about what this must be like from your husbands point of view? it sounds like you are so obsessed you even seem to resent your daughters toys taking up space that you could otherwise be using. maybe he is fed up of you doing nothing but exercise, healthy eating, reading about it, doing workout dvds etc, maybe you should go and do something together instead of always doing things by yourself. i know the quest for being slim attractive and healthy can be obsessive, and it sounds like your poor husband is getting bored of it all. no point in being slim if you wake up one day and find he has moved out!! go build the relationship up and give him some attention for once, surely he deserves it?
I didn't get that at all. Lets face it, most kids can do with a lot less toys. If they are playing with 20% of their toys 80% of the time why not donate the ones they aren't using? Nobody is saying dump the toys without permission, but why not ask the child, how about we donate some of these toys you don't play with anyone more to children that don't have enough toys. Nobody needs all that clutter in their house.
Exactly what we've done in the past and exactly what we are planning to do at some point. 0 -
I guess it's about compromise - you're already working out 2 hours a day and from his perspective, he is now hearing that you want to spend more time on your own doing your own thing that he is not involved in. If the situation was reversed would you perhaps feel a little left out?
I really do admire your efforts in terms of exercise and fitness. Maybe if you were thinking of doing the lifting instead of one of your other workouts though he'd not have an issue, but to add it to those AS WELL is just adding to the time you're spending apart. Maybe he just wants to spend more time with you.
Good luck, I hope you can find a way of working things out.
This is it exactly. As I've fleshed it out here, I realize that his issue is that I'm not PRESENT when I'm PRESENT with him. He has no issue with my workouts or the amount of time spent working out. That's not what it's about at all. It's about sitting there wit him while my attention and focus is elsewhere.0 -
never had this problem.... but maybe you can link quality time and fitness together. Like family hikes or bike riding. Then your family isnt "neglected" but you can get in the exercise you clearly want. As for the weight bench, make a trade with him. Tell him if he makes room and sets it up for you will do something for him (Im not sure what that would be but Im sure you can come up with something).0
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This is it exactly. As I've fleshed it out here, I realize that his issue is that I'm not PRESENT when I'm PRESENT with him. He has no issue with my workouts or the amount of time spent working out. That's not what it's about at all. It's about sitting there wit him while my attention and focus is elsewhere.
That's good insight 0 -
He hates riding bicycles. The only sort of thing I can get him to do is hike, and the last time we did that, he was discouraged by my energy and his lack thereof. It's due mostly, I'm sure, to his years and years of smoking.
*sigh*
It seams to me that your husband may be afraid of being "left behind" in life. He said to you to get other interestes, but seams that he doesn't have many of his own? I could be wrong, but you mentioned he plays on the computer and watches TV and can't keep up in physical actities... so.....
I agree with some of the other posts...
1. if you want it, set it up yourself, enlist help of friends.
2. for your own mental wellbeing... purge your basement of all unneeded/broken/unused items. Since I started working on my health, i truly started with my home and how I don't want to live all cluttered and boxed in, too.
3. don't talk about fitness to your husband for a while, let him come around to you, and if he doesn't, that may be a compromise you make for your marriage.
4. ABSOLUTELY do NOT let his negativity infect your progross.
I am lucky, my husband is totally supportive, willing to help me try just about any thing I come accross because he likes to see me excited about something and happy about myself. (of course he wouldn't be my husband if he wasn't this way...
)
Good luck! 0 -
This is it exactly. As I've fleshed it out here, I realize that his issue is that I'm not PRESENT when I'm PRESENT with him. He has no issue with my workouts or the amount of time spent working out. That's not what it's about at all. It's about sitting there wit him while my attention and focus is elsewhere.
That's good insight
Thank you.
And to degan, he does have his own interests. Fishing, and woodworking, mainly. And he runs his own business and works himself to hell, physically and mentally (he runs a drywall/painting contrcting business.).0 -
Wow, it sure seems like everyone is over thinking this. Six pages of comments? I would just lay off the talk for a while and when things settle down, have a real conversation with him about his thoughts. Maybe he's afraid you are going back to your days when you had the eating disorder. Maybe he's just tired of hearing it. I think if you were just a health nut, that is one thing. But if you have a history of eating disorders, then I would be concerned your fixation on working out so much is leading you to an unhealthy path. But it's hard to know for sure because I do not know you or your husband. I guess I'd just turn off the tv and have a real conversation about it. Then you can figure out a way to compromise.0
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