My boyfriend likes me heavier :(
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Like I always say - sit down with your boyfriend and talk - have a heart to heart. Explain why you are doing this and how his comments, however well intentioned, seem to not be supportive. No one can read anyone else's mind so like some were saying it could be his own insecurity, he could be afraid if he starts complimenting you on the weight you lost then what happens if you fall off the wagon and gain it back (a reality when dealing with weight issues) will you hold it against him, it could be a control thing, etc. You just don't know until you talk to him. Then there is also the reality that some men find a heavier woman attractive. If that is the case then the two of you need to decide can you both get what you need out of the relationship and if you can both be happy - again the only way you will figure all of this out is if the two of you talk. Good luck - I know it is not easy but all we are doing is guessing only your boyfriend can give you the answers!!:flowerforyou:0
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I can't tell from your profile whether you're going from an unhealthy place to a healthy one, or vice versa, so I can't make a call on your boyfriend's position.
The only thing I can say is that whatever the situation, you need to have a proper, even tempered conversation with him. Maybe he liked you the way you were? Or he may feel threatened by the changes you're making and you need to reassure him that you're still you. He may be concerned that you're getting too thin.
Before you make up your mind that he's being shallow about your body - you must talk to him properly.0 -
Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.
^^ 100%. This^^. Good luck!0 -
Give him some time to get use to it.0
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Some guys just like curves.
This is so true! Even when I'm "in shape" I still have quite a bit of curve to me, and that's part of what attracted my husband to me. He didn't want a girl who he felt like he would snap like a twig when he touched her. That being said, he has never been intimidated by me loosing weight or doing other things that make me feel better.0 -
After going through an awakening of sudden girl power a few years ago, I wish every woman would understand how important their happiness and well-being is over a boyfriend!! Whether you're deeply in love with him or not, he should respect your choices and love you for it. Wouldn't you think he was an *kitten* if he liked you skinnier and you were heavier instead? It's the same thing.
Any man is a supplement to your life. YOU are what matters in YOUR life. One day, he may be gone and you'll have to live with how you are because of him. Don't live your life according to a guy because things change.0 -
Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.
Short, sweet and true.0 -
Well its ur health and ur decision... He has to be supportive wid your choice.. :flowerforyou:
I had dis guy(not BF:yawn: ) after me for like 4 years.... whenever I lost some weight n got into good shape.. He would tell me "you look so undernourished... (undernourished:noway: ????? Dude I am 20kg overweight:sad: )...
In the end i had to yell at him to stop looking after me as he is not my bf n he can not have control over my life and decisions :grumble:
and he himself was 6"4 and all skinny... :ohwell: he would have been with me if he would have been a good friend0 -
My husband likes chubby girls, but he prefers a happy wife. If your boyfriend is worth keeping, he ultimately feels the same way. I encourage you to talk with your boyfriend about his comments make you feel. He may not even realize it because, let's face it, men aren't the best in the emotional IQ.0
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Get some new jeans that are nice and snug to show off your assets just as well?
I had this same issue with my husband, but he seems to have developed a fondness for muscle definition now as well, but I found being able to show off the highlights of the nice new you helped a lot.0 -
Maybe he doesn't mean it the way it sounds?? I hope.
My husband (who is a skinny minny... lol) loved me at almost 400lbs and after gastric bypass he still loves me now.... Saggy baggies and all... LOL. He always tells me who I am is more important than what I look like.... and he still tells me I'm pretty. Come to think of it... I have a pretty awesome turd for a hubby!! :-)
As long as you're happy... all that matters. I'm sure there are things about him that you don't like or approve of either. lol Maybe just tell him it hurts your feelings... maybe he's insecure about himself or that you will leave him?
Best of luck to you on your weight loss and in your relationship!!0 -
There are a million reasons why a guy would say or think that. Not a single one is healthy or conducive to a healthy relationship.0
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So MFP community,
I've been losing weight with the help of MFP for about 3 months now and have been met with great success. The support from this community has been overwhelming, and has motivated me to really go for my goals! I love how I fit in pants now and I feel better about myself, feel good about what I see in the mirror.
However, my boyfriend is not as happy. He likes me with a bigger cup size, and prefers me heavier. When he sees my pants are loose now, he says things like, "We'll get you some lasagna and help you get those 5-10 lbs back."
I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because I LOVE how I look and feel now - I feel so beautiful b/c everything I'm doing for my body is healthy, and my workouts make me feel great. But I also want to please him and make him happy. I feel like I can't do the right thing.
What is your perspective on this? Do you have a spouse that likes you heavier? Really need some opinions and feedback, I'm so confused. . .
I haven't read the whole thing, but here's my take. If he loves you for YOU, he's going to love you even if your body type changes. Because he'll want you to be happy and healthy and confident, rather than wanting you to stay stagnant just because of his preferences.
My husband prefers my hair short. But I still grow it out sometimes, because I want to. He also prefers me without makeup, but I don't always feel confident without it (bad skin), so I wear it anyway. And he still loves me and tells me I'm beautiful, because he thinks I am, even when I'm not exactly the way he'd prefer. I prefer him with a beard, but if he ever decided to shave it off, I'd be ok with that, because it's his face, not mine.
Talk to him about how you feel, and about how his comments make you feel. If he's insistent that you not lose any more weight and will not back off from it, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship and your personal priorities. But have the conversation first, and keep it calm and reasonable. He's allowed to have a preference, and if that's all it is, that's ok. But if that preference crosses the line into controlling, that's not ok.0 -
That's just his insecurity talking. He knows if you loose weight you're self-esteem will go up and you'll end up finding someone that does appreciate you the way you are.
Dump him now and focus on what you want in life.0 -
Wow. It sounds like he may feel threatened and is deflecting on you. I would try to feel him out on that, but truth be told a a partner should support you in all was. You wouldn't say what he said to you back at him.0
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There are a million reasons why a guy would say or think that. Not a single one is healthy or conducive to a healthy relationship.
Jealousy over the changes, loss of control or an attempt to control your self esteem, guilt over any of the above feelings, fear that you may leave him now that you have "changed" and a myriad of other reasons.0 -
I'm wondering how serious these comments are. The one example you gave sounds to me like it could've been a joke about your pants no longer fitting, rather than an indication of his desire to see you at a heavier weight.
If it bothers you, tell him, and do it in a non-confrontational/accusatory way. Don't assume the worst about him, like several of the responders on this thread have. If he starts to get insistent about you not losing any more weight, then it's decision time for you. But he may very well mean nothing at all by his comments and be completely unaware that you're taking him so literally.0 -
Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.
This and you have to ask yourself why he would prefer you fatter, less healthy, less happy and less confident?0 -
Yeah my hubbie is the same! He complains all the time about how my butt is smaller and how he doesn't like it.
I ignore him now. This is for me, not him! If he doesn't like it, too bad. He does do things to sabatage my successes too. Like not giving me time to go workout, or complaining/guilt trip when I do/argueing. I try to ignore that too and be assertive. He's either with me or can STFU. It's been over 4 months now and has gotten better. I think he finally has started to accept this is my new lifestyle.
Stick with it! If he only wants you for what was on the outside not what's inside, he's not worth your time or energy. A lot of ppl grow distant when one person decides to change. He needs to chose if he's a part of your change or not. This has nothing to do with you. Stop revolving your life around him and focus on your needs and health. If he's worth it he''ll stick around, if not you can find someone who wants you no matter what.0 -
There are a million reasons why a guy would say or think that. Not a single one is healthy or conducive to a healthy relationship.
THIS0 -
Some guys like their ladies fat to cut down competition.
Whatever....
Just, ignore him, and do what's right for you.
He'll either get over it or get out.
You'll be fine either way, because you'll be fit, healthy and happy. He can either get on the train or get out the way.
Once you're thinner, better guys will be available, and he knows this.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:0 -
I'd be pretty mad about him commenting on the bra size.
Not nice.
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I think that he's jealous because the heads are turning to take a look. Stay strong and forget what he's saying. You are doing this for you because you want to be healthier. One day he will realize how hot you are.0
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Is it just me, or are all the "dump the jerk" comments coming from women? Bitter women are bitter.
Seriously.... talk with him. Let him know your intentions with the weight loss... ask him why he wants you a certain way..... talk it out.... don't "dump the jerk"... his comments don't seem mean or degrading.... it would be plain stupid to do so. Be happy with yourself..... and don't gain the weight back for him because eventually you will resent him for it.0 -
You might have to kick him to the curb. Trust me, your own happiness in your own skin is ten billion times more important than what he wants. Don't try to please him, just make yourself happy. If he can't be happy for you then he is just jealous and doesn't deserve you. I still have a long way to go so I am not even looking to get into another relationship right now. For years I had to deal with guys telling me that I looked fine and being a bad influence on my eating habits to the point where I gained way too much weight and didn't think there was anything wrong with it. However my self-esteem and confidence went completely down the drain. With the weight that I have already lost I already feel more confident and more secure in my own self worth. Maybe he is scared that you will get too confident and see that you are out of his league and he fears that you might end the relationship and find yourself someone who is more worthy of a catch like you
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So MFP community,
I've been losing weight with the help of MFP for about 3 months now and have been met with great success. The support from this community has been overwhelming, and has motivated me to really go for my goals! I love how I fit in pants now and I feel better about myself, feel good about what I see in the mirror.
However, my boyfriend is not as happy. He likes me with a bigger cup size, and prefers me heavier. When he sees my pants are loose now, he says things like, "We'll get you some lasagna and help you get those 5-10 lbs back."
I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because I LOVE how I look and feel now - I feel so beautiful b/c everything I'm doing for my body is healthy, and my workouts make me feel great. But I also want to please him and make him happy. I feel like I can't do the right thing.
What is your perspective on this? Do you have a spouse that likes you heavier? Really need some opinions and feedback, I'm so confused. . .
1st - ALWAYS DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!
2nd - IF HE DOESN'T SUPPORT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF THEN OH WELL.
3rd - IT SOUNDS LIKE HE MAY BE JEALOUS OR WORRIED THAT YOU WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT AND MOVE ON.
I have definitely learned that if I am not happy with myself, I cannot be fully happy with others and in life. Make you happy and you will make others happy too! Including him. Maybe he just needs more time to adjust!
Good luck!0 -
My husband likes "curvy" women as well. I've lost 100lbs so far and am finally to the point where I am losing the extra fluff. I asked him if he wanted me to stop. He said, "what would be super hot, is you being confident about you body." Love that man.0
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A bit of perspective. She is dropping 20 lbs, total. Honestly I can't see that being a life threatening weight. Men in general don't like change in their spouses/significant others unless it's a reversion to what attracted them in the first place. But, it is something that you are working on, and working hard on, as well. Perhaps a bit of communication about how important it is that he be supportive would help.
On a related note, my wife has made the same type of comments, about how I've lost my *kitten*, how she doesn't like me this thin, how I should stop before I get very thin, etc. I don't let it phase me, she lets it go after a comment or two. When you are involved with someone you are essentially both living the same life, and people don't like to see changes in their lives that they have no control over. If he is adamant about not supporting you, or tries to sabotage you after you have made your concerns clear, then yeah, likely time to move on.0 -
Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.
Exactly!0 -
If your clothes have gotten baggy, maybe he just misses seeing your curves. If you love the way you look now, maybe buy some clothes that show off your NEW curves.0
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