My boyfriend likes me heavier :(

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  • aliann30
    aliann30 Posts: 291 Member
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    I wouldn't call him an unsupportive jerk - no one on here knows him or your relationship. Like previous posters have said, he may just be trying to let you know that he loved you before you lost weight - I mean, let's be honest, a lot of women put guys in a catch-22 situation too...

    "Is this dress too tight?" -- "Um yeah?" - "So you're calling me FAT????"

    "Is this dress too tight?" -- "Definitely not." - "Wait, definitely meaning what? It's not sexy enough for you? What did you mean by that, really?"

    I love my husband...but I'm learning to not go to him for advice on things like this. Sometimes he really does have an opinion, but sometimes he's just scrolling through responses to try to find the right one. :wink:

    I would continue doing what you're doing - unless he's being verbally abusive or starts getting too possessive or something....or even sabotaging your efforts. But I definitely wouldn't do any speculating or take too much to heart the multitude of opinions others will have to give. If it bothers you that much, I would definitely tell him - tell him that you feel great about yourself and your self-confidence will be a HUGE bonus to him in the relationship. Less chance that you'll be overly and unnecessarily jealous and sensitive to his comments.
  • michelejoann
    michelejoann Posts: 295 Member
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    I think a lot of men just don't know how to react--not that he necessarily expects/wants you to be fatter. Like most other people, I think there are explanations.

    1) He might be worried about you (people, particularly here, can be REALLY obsessive about weight loss...to the point, I imagine, it might put a strain on their relationships). How hard core have you been about losing? How quickly did you lose?

    2) He may also just not know how to compliment you on your weight loss without sounding like a **** (ie: he thinks you're way hotter than you were, implying you were not hot before)...Additionally, he may be trying to show you that your size REALLY doesn't matter to him.

    3) Have you ever seen Napoleon Dynamite? The scene where he hits on Deb by telling her that she "could drink 2% if she wanted" (meaning he thinks she's fit). Sometimes people joke about fattening you up when you look thin.

    All these posts that say things like "LOSE HIM!" are totally insane and really impractical. In my opinion, talk to him and tell him you want him to support you, **and let him know HOW he can support you**, so that he doesn't have to flounder while figuring out how to do it. This is definitely NOT the biggest issue a couple can face in life--just talk it out and work through it.

    this
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
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    A lot of people are telling you to leave him which is kinda immature. Maybe he liked you the way you were and haven't gotten use to the new you. Give him some time.
  • sobriquet84
    sobriquet84 Posts: 607 Member
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    So MFP community,

    I've been losing weight with the help of MFP for about 3 months now and have been met with great success. The support from this community has been overwhelming, and has motivated me to really go for my goals! I love how I fit in pants now and I feel better about myself, feel good about what I see in the mirror.

    However, my boyfriend is not as happy. He likes me with a bigger cup size, and prefers me heavier. When he sees my pants are loose now, he says things like, "We'll get you some lasagna and help you get those 5-10 lbs back."

    I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because I LOVE how I look and feel now - I feel so beautiful b/c everything I'm doing for my body is healthy, and my workouts make me feel great. But I also want to please him and make him happy. I feel like I can't do the right thing.

    What is your perspective on this? Do you have a spouse that likes you heavier? Really need some opinions and feedback, I'm so confused. . . :(

    if you're not underweight, tell him to suck it.

    if you are, then he might have a point.
  • mmmyotwnz
    mmmyotwnz Posts: 119 Member
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    I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because I LOVE how I look and feel now - I feel so beautiful b/c everything I'm doing for my body is healthy, and my workouts make me feel great. But
    You can not change people nor should you try, and the fact that YOU want to make changes health-wise, the right man for you will be the one that supports that, no questions asked. Good luck to you. Remember this ten years down the road b/c the control issues start out just like this, simple and silly things that seem to not be a big deal. Trust me, I live this every day. Get it squared away now, make the decisions best for you, and keep up the good work!!!

    Dear OP,

    If I am being honest, I would have to say to your comment ^^ NO BUTS!!! That statement is YOU! You can only be responsible for you now, before you are married with children. A supporting partner loves you unconditionally, period. Unless you were doing some sort of addicting behavior, practicing bulimia or became anorexic, then someone who loves you should step in. Loosing weight so you are healthier, practicing life long healthy behaviors are only good things. You should not have to be put into a position to loose you to keep anyone. You are worth it, you are better than that, you matter. No matter what size you are or aren't. He needs to understand in a calm honest conversation that this is not a choice for you, it is a matter of health for your life.

    The quote from this person above is dead on! Trust me, I am married to that..

    My husband even had a convo with my 19 year old daughter two days ago to get her tell me to stop going to the gym and doing this diet BS. That it wasn't working for me.....and someone should tell me how foolish I look now. He also added that "this gym time away from the family is about to stop". She didn't validate him and no way in hell should she have to be put into that position with her father.
    I have been told this following statement many times before, careful what you wish for.
    "After all, fat wives stay married and loyal to their husbands because no one else wants them and they are not out looking, once a woman looses a bunch of weight, she is getting ready to leave"

    Your weight loss is just as valuable as mine is.
  • Joanne_8595
    Joanne_8595 Posts: 64 Member
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    Like I always say - sit down with your boyfriend and talk - have a heart to heart. Explain why you are doing this and how his comments, however well intentioned, seem to not be supportive. No one can read anyone else's mind so like some were saying it could be his own insecurity, he could be afraid if he starts complimenting you on the weight you lost then what happens if you fall off the wagon and gain it back (a reality when dealing with weight issues) will you hold it against him, it could be a control thing, etc. You just don't know until you talk to him. Then there is also the reality that some men find a heavier woman attractive. If that is the case then the two of you need to decide can you both get what you need out of the relationship and if you can both be happy - again the only way you will figure all of this out is if the two of you talk. Good luck - I know it is not easy but all we are doing is guessing only your boyfriend can give you the answers!!:flowerforyou:

    Totally agree!!! Talking is always the best answer, it's easy to walk away but it's hard to work things out. In the end though your relationship will be much healthier if you talk it out and come to a compromise or at least get things out in the open.
  • acm130
    acm130 Posts: 100 Member
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    I've experienced this in the past, my BF and I have been together almost 10 years and we've been through a lot of ups and downs including my weight.When we met I was about the size I am now but 6 mos in I was down 10 lbs (my GW) then over the last 3-4 years my weight has crept up to a high of 150+ lbs. When I've been on the thinner end of my spectrum he would say stuff about my M.I.A. booty :) and the depletion of my "upper body assets":laugh: But I've learned when I feel better about ME, more confident in how I look, I'm a better partner and honestly I'm glad to be with a guy who doesn't pressure me to be a size 2. He once told me the comments he made in the past were partly his way of saying "don't stress you look great now, you looked great then and I love you no matter what." So if your boyfriend persists and you feel like he's not being supportive have a talk. Either way you have to keep making good decisions FOR YOU in terms of your health & wellness.
  • kicker3333
    kicker3333 Posts: 5
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    Its about being healthy and happy - If he loves you whatever your size thats great but wanting you heavier and less happy is just wrong!
    Is he insecure with a sexier looking you? Do you get less male attention when your heavier? Just a thought!
  • Erinthebodo
    Erinthebodo Posts: 215 Member
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    ok I LOVE this!
  • ShawnaCurley
    ShawnaCurley Posts: 82 Member
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    My husband loves me at any size! But supports my decision to lose weight. :smile:
  • sglato
    sglato Posts: 28 Member
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    A lot of people are telling you to leave him which is kinda immature. Maybe he liked you the way you were and haven't gotten use to the new you. Give him some time.
    Agree with this ^
  • Josette89
    Josette89 Posts: 244
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    I thought this might have been an issue with my bf, but he was just telling me not to worry about him. If I get healthy and fit he'd be happy. I hope your man can realize this as well. Tell him this is what you want and you would like his support. He will eventually see how he may have been an a** and adore you for your new confidence and health.
  • Hezzietiger1
    Hezzietiger1 Posts: 1,256 Member
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    You are happier now. You feel more attractive now. You are more confident now. You are more comfortable now. You love yourself more now. But has your love for him changed because you lost 10 lbs?

    I don't see a reason for you to stop focusing on fitness and weight loss and loving yourself more, building your confidence, being more comfortable in your skin, and increasing your attractiveness because he is less attracted to you physically.

    If you are pursuing a life long relationship with each other things are going to change over the years and physical attraction is going to take the back burner to everything else anyway. I doubt his love for you is based on 10 lbs. HIs love for you is based on your heart, spirit, soul, personality, attitude, mind, etc.

    Keep up the hard work and keep loving him for all the reason's you love him and let him love you for all the reason's he loves you.. and forget about the comments.

    That's my advice :)

    Hezz
  • cmwhited6204
    cmwhited6204 Posts: 210 Member
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    First and formost, you lose weight and get in shape for yourself. Second if he cant support something this small in the scheme of life, walk away now!
  • beyondjupiter
    beyondjupiter Posts: 247 Member
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    There are a million reasons why a guy would say or think that. Not a single one is healthy or conducive to a healthy relationship.

    Agreed.

    My first thought was insecurity, my second thought was shallow, and my third though was not worth it. I know I love my husband no matter how he looks and he says the same to me. He wants me to be healthier and happier but that comes from within, not my pants size. My husband has gained weight and lost weight and I told him, and meant it, that as long as he was happy, I was happy. I don't like bulky muscles personally, but if that made him happy, I would be happy too. That is how relationships work. Obviously this guy isn't there yet. I think dumping him outright is a little drastic but talk it out, if he keeps it up, let him go. Find someone who loves you with or without 5-10 extra lbs. Because last time I checked, weight shouldn't have much to do with what you love about your significant other.
  • katoato
    katoato Posts: 26 Member
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    MFP Community,

    I log off for work and come back and see so many amazing comments. Thank you SO SO much! I have read every single one and every single one means so much to me - you took the time to lend your wisdom and expertise, thank you so much.

    As far as the other questions you have posed -

    Are you healthy, what is your size, and are you doing anything that's bad for your body?, I am 5'4", 140lbs, cup size C (which is why I thought it was ridiculous for him to make the boob comment, there is plenty to go around! And even if there weren't, HELLO, they're STILL BOOBS and BE HAPPY!). I'm a medium-large frame. I now fit into size 6 pants, and have realized I have no desire to go smaller, have been losing at the rate of about 4 lbs/month, and am almost ALWAYS over my calorie goal for the day pre-exercise. I have no problem eating, my relationship with food is actually pretty healthy! Yay for that.

    Is your boyfriend overweight? Yes, he is. He has a very skinny frame and is 215 at 6'4", but I would guess his body fat percentage is rather high. He eats a lot of crap. It makes me sad. Still trying to figure out how to best tackle this because he is stubborn.

    Do you like the way you look? How do YOU feel? I love the way I look. I have a body that is healthy and can do wonderful things, run 6 miles, climb rock walls, and look cute in a pair of jeans. I love my body now. Every moment dedicated to this endeavor has been worth it.

    These are all I can remember right now, if you have more, please ask! Thank you so much for all of your help. The resounding advice has been to do what makes me feel right. In addition to communicating with him about my feelings. And I am going to do those things. Thank you for your help. If this continues to be a problem that talking cannot solve, I will reevaluate my goals in the relationship.

    Thanks to each and every one of you. I now have a much clearer way forward! Best wishes and many blessings to everyone on this thread. So happy. Thank you everyone.
  • JeSuisPrest
    JeSuisPrest Posts: 2,005 Member
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    Kat....so glad you wrote back and updated us. Sounds to me like this story will have a happy ending!! Kudos to you!!
  • kissenkate15
    kissenkate15 Posts: 28
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    My boyfriend has told me over and over that he thinks I am perfect the way I am. However, I don't agree and I don't care what he thinks. (I do about most everything but this) If I want to lose weight and tone my body that is my choice. He loves me and he will get over it. He has actually come around to the new 10 pounds lighter and toner me. He thinks I look great and is being supportive now. We live 4 hours apart and I made him make a deal with me that he will not Skype with me unless I work out. And it has really helped!!! I am the last person to ever want to work out so him refusing to Skype till after I work out is the best motivation ever! Do what you want. If your boyfriend is worried about your cup size and not how you feel he's not a good boyfriend. Good luck!
  • NYChick84
    NYChick84 Posts: 331 Member
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    What is his body like? Do you think that he doesn't want you to be skinnier because you're going to look at him differently? Or maybe he thinks that you'll get the "wandering eye" and leave him. Does he have sef image issues within himself that he's afraid you may leave him? My ex did that to me...HENCE the reason he's an ex. He used to get upset at me for looking and feeling better about myself. He always thought I was going to leave him. I had enough of his crap, and DID eventually leave him. Maybe try incorporating him into your exercise regimen. Maybe he'll understand why you are doing this. Just food for thought.....calorie free too! lol
  • KariQuiteContrary
    KariQuiteContrary Posts: 274 Member
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    Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.

    THIS. All day long. Period.

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