Relationship advice
Replies
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Couple of things.
First, lets not tell the OP what in her mind the importance of that piece of paper should be. Its important to her. That should be the end of discussion right there...some people like having that piece of paper.
You're still going on about changing yourself. I donot understand that. I mean I understand that a person can and should change and evolve in or out of a relationship but...can you change your personality for this guy? Are you going to "stop nagging" for the rest of your live because if not then you're just putting up a fake front which (1) he will easily be able to tell and (2) if he's dumb enough to not detect the fakeness and endsup proposing it'll make one or both of your lives miserable.
Third and this is a big one for me. I, at the young age of 28, have been with enough women, heard enough crap to realize that at the end of the day, I want a woman who is, for a lack of a better word, not a b!tch. But you keep bringing up again and again about this "not nice" thing which is showing that either he's manipulating you to think that you're a rude/mean person or that you genuinely are not a nice person (sorry, its the internet, I don't know you so I don't know your personality and am goign by what you've mentioned). In either case, you might wanna think about the fact that him manipulating or you being mean isn't just something that you can change easily and should think about going from there
It has been brought to my attention by a co worker as well. That I'm a little selfish. As far as him he says I used to be nice, before we lived together..I'm not sure. I guess because i complain to him, nag. Bottom line is before we only saw each other on weekends only, so he never saw some of my bad points. So, in his mind we moved in together and I became mean. When in reality he just never saw all of me.! The good, the bad and the ugly...
i can see how living together makes u see another side to people u weren't able to see before. not cuz u were hiding it just cuz its more obvious now that u see each other every day. i'm not saying u shud keep being selfish but at the same time now he knows what he's getting into - take it or leave.
same with u, do u wanna be with someone who u have to keep constantly walking on eggshells for? i'm not encouraging u to end things i'm just giving u some things to think about.0 -
? I know i have a llittle anxiety, and slight OCD, but thought I had it pretty under control without relying on some pill or whatever. All these posts are just bringing me down now.
Therapy? I mean, I guess everyone could use a therapist at times, but no I have never been. Not ignoring any advice, if I didn't want to hear anything negative, wouldnt have asked, just saying there's a way to say things, without the rudeness, but I guess some can't help it...have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.
thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?
the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.
As you say, most people could benefit from therapy at some point in their life. It's not an insult to suggest that you may benefit from an assessment to find out if you are one of them. You sound like a nice person. It's quite possible from what you have written to infer that not having everything in it's place causes you a high degree of anxiety, to the degree that makes it difficult for people to live with you. There is a possibility that you may have OCD which is under-diagnosed. Many, many people have it to a mild/moderate degree and lead perfectly ordinary lives but struggle a great deal with problems like this. There is effective treatment which for mild cases can take as little as 10 weeks. If this is what is behind your problem, you may struggle to change your current behaviour on your own.
If you decide to check this out then look for a national register of qualified cognitive behavioural therapists or ask your doctor to recommend someone. The way I see it, if you go and find out your not affected, you have lost little, whereas if you don't and you are, you may lose your chance at happiness with someone you love. That's a very unequal equation, please don't let the stigma of mental illness prevent you from taking every opportunity to be happy. Good luck :flowerforyou:
Who mentioned pills? I think all anyone is saying is that you ought to go get checked out by a qualified psychiatrist and see if there is anything that may be able to help you. Medication is an option, but there are lots of non-medication treatments as well if you're opposed to taking pills.0 -
pills? why would you think you need pills?? I know i have a llittle anxiety, and slight OCD, but thought I had it pretty under control without relying on some pill or whatever. All these posts are just bringing me down now.
you don't strike me as a person who needs drugging up.
you strike me as a person who really needs to talk about the things she's not dealt with yet.0 -
Pretty much all " therapists put ya on meds...and no,I definitely don't need drugging up, and it's nice to let things off my chest at times. If only I had the time,..sigh.
Nola chick, I'm from new Orleans too, live on north shore now....0 -
? I know i have a llittle anxiety, and slight OCD, but thought I had it pretty under control without relying on some pill or whatever. All these posts are just bringing me down now.
Therapy? I mean, I guess everyone could use a therapist at times, but no I have never been. Not ignoring any advice, if I didn't want to hear anything negative, wouldnt have asked, just saying there's a way to say things, without the rudeness, but I guess some can't help it...have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.
thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?
the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.
As you say, most people could benefit from therapy at some point in their life. It's not an insult to suggest that you may benefit from an assessment to find out if you are one of them. You sound like a nice person. It's quite possible from what you have written to infer that not having everything in it's place causes you a high degree of anxiety, to the degree that makes it difficult for people to live with you. There is a possibility that you may have OCD which is under-diagnosed. Many, many people have it to a mild/moderate degree and lead perfectly ordinary lives but struggle a great deal with problems like this. There is effective treatment which for mild cases can take as little as 10 weeks. If this is what is behind your problem, you may struggle to change your current behaviour on your own.
If you decide to check this out then look for a national register of qualified cognitive behavioural therapists or ask your doctor to recommend someone. The way I see it, if you go and find out your not affected, you have lost little, whereas if you don't and you are, you may lose your chance at happiness with someone you love. That's a very unequal equation, please don't let the stigma of mental illness prevent you from taking every opportunity to be happy. Good luck :flowerforyou:
Treatment for OCD and anxiety doesn't have to be in the form of a pill. Behavior modification doesn't involve any drugs. And in terms of those as medical conditions, without a diagnosis from a doctor, you don't really know what you have, if any thing. If it really is causing problems in your relationship, talk to you doctor and find out what you can do about diagnosis and treatment.0 -
my boyfriend and I have been together for 6.5 years and I think about engagement all the time, especially while lots of my friends are reaching engagement and marriage. if it's meant to be, it will happen in due time.0
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So far from these posts, I basically been called a *****, I need a therapist, no wonder my boyfriend hasn't proposed, I need to ditch him, he's just saying I'm not nice as an excuse to not marry me..oh lawd, I have a headache now!! Lol.0
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Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better.
blah blah....bring on the flames....0 -
Lol! Love these replies. We have had the talk, he wants to marry, but wants me to be nicer. So I guess I really need to work on my attitude and maybe not be so uptight with the house. I can't blame him, but something's about yourself are hard to change....
You dont get it do you.
You are asking him to change but you arent willing and sort of blowing off why you should change because its too hard. Double standard much.
I'd say he just caved to shut you up... Is getting married by nagging someone really good way to start a marriage?
Im not trying to sound mean, just some unjaded hard truths perhaps from an outsider that is chocolate coating anything for you.
This^^^
Nobody, man or woman should want to change their SO, but you should want to be a better version of yourself for them0 -
Have you asked him exactly why he doesnt want to marry you yet? If his answer is about you being 'a nicer person' then tell him he loves you for being you. this is the person you have always been and you shouldnt change for anyone but yourself. I personally would give the 'marry me or leave' speech just yet. you may have been together 4 years but only living together for one of those years. As men do, he may need more time to adjust to life. If it was me I'd prob ask him if he is completely happy with how the relationship is going. find out if he feels pressured over the marriage thing. if he does want to marry you in the future. and also say that you love him and you feel strongly about this because of how much you love him. if he does have a few things that he isnt completely happy with, see if there is a solution. give yourself 6 months to a year and see where you are after that. after the long wait bring the subject up again. if he still has the same answers then he is (sorry to say) one of those guys that isnt the marrying kind. then you'll have to think about your relationship and if you want to carry on just living together without the paperwork. But if you love him, does the piece of paper really matter? ultimately its your choice, and your choice alone that can really decide if you want to keep you relationship. Hope i've been some kind of help!0
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The problem with asking people things on the interwebs is that you're asking people on the interwebs. Lol0
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This I agree with 100%. If the guy is not ready to step up, then it is time for you to move on.Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better.
blah blah....bring on the flames....0 -
Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better
Hmmmm interesting,opinion. I don't get it, ****, I would have married me years ago! Lol!! My nice version anyway. I don't think it's an excuse, but Ido think he's afraid of the M word.,,
blah blah....bring on the flames....0 -
a good therapist won't put you on pills you don't need, and you don't have to take meds just because they suggest it.Pretty much all " therapists put ya on meds...and no,I definitely don't need drugging up, and it's nice to let things off my chest at times. If only I had the time,..sigh.
you seem, from your reaction, to think that getting therapy is admitting you failed, that suggesting therapy is accusing you of being a flake. you're wrong.
you keep saying you haven't the time, but what could be more important than investing in yourself? you make time to go to the hairdressers, right?
i had therapy for a year. originally i went to deal with a rape, but we ended up talking out so much more. looking back, i can't believe i wasted so much time carrying all that emotional baggage around. it was only one year but it'll be helping me for the rest of my life.0 -
Have you asked him exactly why he doesnt want to marry you yet? If his answer is about you being 'a nicer person' then tell him he loves you for being you. this is the person you have always been and you shouldnt change for anyone but yourself. I personally would give the 'marry me or leave' speech just yet. you may have been together 4 years but only living together for one of those years. As men do, he may need more time to adjust to life. If it was me I'd prob ask him if he is completely happy with how the relationship is going. find out if he feels pressured over the marriage thing. if he does want to marry you in the future. and also say that you love him and you feel strongly about this because of how much you love him. if he does have a few things that he isnt completely happy with, see if there is a solution. give yourself 6 months to a year and see where you are after that. after the long wait bring the subject up again. if he still has the same answers then he is (sorry to say) one of those guys that isnt the marrying kind. then you'll have to think about your relationship and if you want to carry on just living together without the paperwork. But if you love him, does the piece of paper really matter? ultimately its your choice, and your choice alone that can really decide if you want to keep you relationship. Hope i've been some kind of help!
Yes, good advice...he does feel pressured I'm sure. He moved far to live with me so he says obviously its headed in that direction, but he's not gonna propse until things are good with us and consistent...0 -
Seems like he is happy-ish with the way things are. If you aren't it's time to find another relationship. No marriage should ever be the result of an ultimatum.0
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a good therapist won't put you on pills you don't need, and you don't have to take meds just because they suggest it.Pretty much all " therapists put ya on meds...and no,I definitely don't need drugging up, and it's nice to let things off my chest at times. If only I had the time,..sigh.
you seem, from your reaction, to think that getting therapy is admitting you failed, that suggesting therapy is accusing you of being a flake. you're wrong.
you keep saying you haven't the time, but what could be more important than investing in yourself? you make time to go to the hairdressers, right
Hairdresser, barely...I go when I get off work on Fridays. My job doesn't have many vacation days, and have none left this year.dont think therapy is failure. I'm sure it helps, just don't see it happening.0 -
I have been with the same guy for almost four years, and living together for one. I am ready to get married and have a child ( I'm divorced with a five yr old)...he knows how I feel, but says he doesnt want a time clock, and until I'm nicer there's no way hes rushing down the aisle. I understand but I don't want to be spinning my wheels forever. And I hardly think four years is rushing..when is it time for an ultimatum, or is that a bad idea?? Thoughts, appreciated
Here is the thing, you asked, you are going to have to stop fussing at him. I know many women do this and it makes their man unhappy, lowers his self esteem, bad for the kids, and ends in divorce. Stop sweating the small stuff or you will be on your 6th divorce if you are not careful. To those fussy women, we dont like it, no matter how much we love you, who likes to be fussed at all the time. Stop it.
I cant blame him for not wanting to marry you if fuss at him alot, that tells me he is unhappy now so he is scared to marry and have a child with you. He loves you but is scared. Im sure you are a good woman but judging your stuf you wrote, you are driving him crazy. Focus on happy things and enjoy life and be happy you have a guy who loves you. Work together as a team by communicating, setting goals, and plan to work towards keeping things clean and preventing messes.
Not sure if this applies to you but alot of women say im an ich and am itchy to him but he loves me. They may love you but they will leave you if you dont stop. I dont care how hot a woman is, no guy will put up with it forever. Stop it, you women are not real princesses. Life is no storybook fairy tail. You have periods just like all other women so you not better than anyone. Also, you will age and this you can not escape. Keep this attitude up, you will be single and alone, its hard for old women to find men, its easy for you now to replace a man with a text, it wont be that way when you are 40 and up. Ask women on here, they will tell you.
I dont know you but you asked and I do see this alot. The key is communication, trust, maybe read some self help books, seek professional help, and observe older successful marrie couples who really are happy. Talk to them, they have so much knowledge. You seem like a good person so dont ruin a good thing and its so admirable that you came to here for help instead of running to another guy like most and that says alot about you and that is you are a good woman. I wish you all the best and take care.0 -
Sounds like he's (semi!) happy with the way things are at the moment, so why upset things.
I understand where you're coming from though, my other half does tell me off if I moan at home, which I know I shouldnt do, and I try not to (seeing as he pays the rent :laugh: - and I pay utilities and do the cooking/cleaning etc) but there are times when I get frustrated with the lack of help around the place - I do like to keep the place clean and tidy - but its kind of hard when you have a housemate that is 37 going on 15 (not my fiancé by the way) - at least I know my fiancé can do some things without having to be asked!
Oh and we've been together 10 years, engaged for 8 of those, and yet we're in no hurry to get married - we'll do it eventually, just not at the moment, things are working as they are :happy:
But I hope you manage to sort out your situation - I would of thought you'd be thinking of your child as well in all of this - does he/she like your partner, are they happy being around them? If so, what would happen to them if you and your partner did split over this, how would it affect them? Don't forget its not just you in the realtionship 0 -
he should love you for all your strengths and faults regardless . . . why should you have to change so that he decides to put the ring on your finger . . . to me it sounds like he is scared of commitment0
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After reading more of the posts, I would suggest focusing on sorting out your problems before worrying about marriage. The two of you need to talk about where you are having difficulties, what the issues actually are (ie, being more specific than "not nice"), and what can be done to fix it. I think couple's therapy might be a good idea. It is often helpful to have an impartial moderator in these situations who can offer an outside perspective. A therapist can also give you tools to help you solve relationship conflicts in the future. If you don't want to see a therapist, and if you are religious, you might want to consider checking with your religious congregation to see if they offer anything like this for couples.
Even if you don't see a therapist, do talk to your partner. Take this as an opportunity to develop your communication skills. Good communication is essential in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Once you have found a way to deal with your conflicts in a healthy way such that everyone is happy with the results, come back to the question of marriage. Both of you will be in a much better place to talk about it.0 -
Calvert- agree, thanks. Guess I need to chill out a little..l think,I suck in relationships...0
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Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better
Hmmmm interesting,opinion. I don't get it, ****, I would have married me years ago! Lol!! My nice version anyway. I don't think it's an excuse, but Ido think he's afraid of the M word.,,
blah blah....bring on the flames....
What don't you get? If I wasn't clear I would love to elaborate. And I'm not sure what **** meant? Oh, I totally agree with you. I would have married you years ago too.
Maybe I wasn't as clear as I thought I was. Men say they are afraid of the "M" word. But when a man is head-over-heels in love, he's not afraid of ANYthing. It's like that movie called "He's Just Not That Into You". Don't know if you've seen it (though it wasn't dead-on in every single respect) it was surprisingly accurate to a certain degree. I am saying, I think you're a better woman than that and that you deserve better. Not saying he's a total dirt-bag, just saying you deserve better. Of course, you have to believe in your heart that you deserve better too.
And just fyi....happily married for 11 years this September and if you would like my wife to comment on our marriage, I'm sure she'd be more than willing.0 -
Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better.
blah blah....bring on the flames....
This is what I am talking about - your wife is very lucky 0 -
Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better.
blah blah....bring on the flames....
This is what I am talking about - your wife is very lucky
awww Sharee....thank you, thats very sweet.0 -
I waited 7 years for marriage... I don't personally think 4 is that bad... but who am I to judge your relationship. lol... Good luck
If you guys really love each other, I'm sure it will be worth the wait. :flowerforyou:0 -
Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better.
blah blah....bring on the flames....
This is what I am talking about - your wife is very lucky
awww Sharee....thank you, thats very sweet.
You are very welcome :drinker:0 -
Try being nice and see what happens.0
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Ultimatums are NEVER a good idea......
He should love you for who you are. By saying he's waiting for you to be "nicer" he wants you to change who you are. People never really change, you are who you are. If you really love each other then just keep living together. In most states it only takes a few years and your legally married whether you want to be or not so then all you have to do is get that fancy wedding you ladies are always wanting.0 -
then all you have to do is get that fancy wedding you ladies are always wanting.
I'd quite happily get married in jeans, trainers and my "Delightfully White Trash" Stewie Griffin t-shirt :happy:0
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