Am I being selfish?

KnM0107

I would not expect my husband to go to an event where he would be sitting by himself for hours. That sounds horrible and unfair IMO. I don't know what definition people are using for "support", but my husband doesn't have to follow me around like a puppy for me to consider him supportive. MFP is a horrible place to ask for relationship advice, but it is easy to see why the divorce rate is so high...

AskTracyAnnK28

OP - reading your post makes me glad I'm single. There's no way in hell I'd let a man tell me what I can and can't do with my money.

Tell him to stay home if he's going to be a big baby about it. Then when the race is done create an match.com account and replace him

(just kidding about that...kind of)

tracie_minus100

I don't think his "precious weekend" excuse is a good one. It's not like it is going to take up his entire weekend - he will still have over half of it to relax. And supporting you in something important to you should be worth losing 6 or so hours of relaxing time.
If he had just expressed to you that he wasn't overly interested, I would cut him some slack. But since he is being completely immature and selfish about it, and throwing the money issue in your face, no slack for him.

JoRocka

Fortunately there are people out there who aren't like that- possessive and nit picky and selfish.

So don't give up hope. My BF and I make it work pretty well and I'm fairly "needy" in terms of wanting alone time- or upholding my schedule he's pretty supportive- and we are okay saying you have a thing- and I have a thing- this is the best use of our collective time or this is a waste of time or not... or if that's what you want- then do it and I'll help pay and support you if need be.

That's the way it should be- and no one is ever perfect- but there are ways to make it work and be okay. I'm grateful at this point I'm not single any more- I don't know if I could take dating in this world at this point- *kitten*'s crazy!!!

JeriAnne84

It is one friggen day. He can suck it up.

mahanaibu

KombuchaCat wrote: »

mahanaibu wrote: »

wow, I really see it differently. Though he went off the rails a little when it came to the part about your wasting money and so forth, the half-marathon is your love and your decision, and I could see where it wouldn't be much fun for him. Sure, I know significant others who are great about supporting their loved ones on these things, but though that's nice, I sure don't think of it as required. Just as when I got heavily into hiking, and then started leading hikes, it was so terrific that my husband helped out on them, and became my regular hiking partner. But I wouldn't have thought less of him for not being interested.

If it's your thing, go do your thing. But don't expect it to be his thing, too, even from the sidelines.

But he already agreed to go. If he didn't want to go he should not have agreed to it. I can't believe that someone who lives in this county could be that naive about what going to a marathon entails...

Yes, he shouldn't have agreed and then moaned. I don't see that as a big deal. He was obviously not asked if he'd like to, but rather pressed to do it, as the OP indicates. I just don't see it as this big thing. It's HER big thing, and I applaud her. And I would go if my husband were doing this, and I think he would go if the situation were reversed. But I just wouldn't have my knickers in a stitch if he didn't.

There are real and serious issues that confront couples, and I don't see this as one of them or reason to consider breaking up or to conclude that they have moved in different directions so they won't have much in common anymore. After years of bugging my husband to eat better and get more exercise, to no avail, he finally agreed to join a nutritionist-led program with me where we learned to eat right. He transformed his eating habits at age 57, lost almost 50 pounds, kept it all off and goes for regular walks.

Love and a successful long-term relationship depend on far more important things than this.

tracie_minus100

The base issue - whether he goes to the race with her or not - is not the real issue here I don't think. I don't necessarily blame him for not wanting to go, even though I do think supporting his partner is important.
In my opinion, it's the way he handled it that is the issue.

redheadrules

Hi mahanaibu,
This is redheadrules formerly redhearted. I missed you. Can we be friends again with my new nom de plume. I can't figure out how to befriend you through my new account. Maybe you can. Yikes!!

katherine_startrek_fan

Homestly, I'd tell my husband before signing up and getting his agreement on it, in part because we share a car and in part because it's an expensive race. However, he'd be pretty much likely to agree unless we had something else going on, or we would compromise by trying to find a closer or less expensive race.

Personally, I would have no problem with my husband not wanting to attend a race of that distance because it would take a long time. However, my husband would never miss a race. In fact, the coordinator of the last race I attended came over to me after the race and let me know that my husband was one of less than ten spectators to actually wait outside for the entire length of the race.

You need to find a way to work through this with your guy now. If you can't get the support you need now, you won't get it when you're married.

EddieHaskell97

<standard MFP reply > You should leave your fiancee.</standard MFP reply >

jennifer_417

So wait...because HIS job is stressful, he expects you to absolutely nothing every single weekend except sit and watch him play video games? Wow.

VeryKatie

I suppose if it were me... I would have only briefly mentioned it to him in the first place. If I were asking my fiancé about the race it would have gone something like this:

"Hey babe, I signed up for a half marathon on [insert winter date] at [insert place 1 hr away]. I'd love if you would come watch me (or better yet, run with me), it would make it more fun for me! But I understand that since it will be flipping cold out and take [insert approximate time] if you'd rather pass. What do you think? Or you could let me know a few days before if you want. You could bring a friend or go to a movie while I'm running or something."

And he would say "I'll think about it" or "I will consider it but I likely won't want to come since it's a weekend and it's cold out, but I'll let you know".

And then we would have revisited it the week of the race and it never would have been an issue. So my recommendation is to approach future situations differently - put yourself in his shoes before asking for support and consider why he might decide to join/not join you - what would you feel like doing in the situation? Personally, winter sucks and I wouldn't want to stand outside for 3 hours while NOT watching my fiancé run only to be there for the post run snack. So I would expect him to NOT want to go either and I certainly wouldn't consider it as "not supporting me" if he decided not to go.

In fact that's almost exactly how it went the other way around when my fiancé was doing the half and it was early and raining - he suggested I not worry about it when I offered to come since I wouldn't get to watch him anyway. Of course when I did a 5 k I think I complained a bit too much so he ended up running with me (which was amazing, but I probably should have stopped pushing sooner than I did in hindsight). Live and learn - and you have this chance now!

So I suspect it's an issue on both sides - perhaps you are being too demanding and he is being too stubborn and both of you let your emotions get the best of you.

The video games/money/weekend treasure/complaining/stress are different issues entirely that you need to sort out independently of this particular event.