My Husband!.... NOT ATTRACTED TO ME!
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mumblemagic wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »mumblemagic wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »mumblemagic wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »acorsaut89 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »My hubby and I get into huge fights that last for days if I catch him leering at another woman!! Let alone something like what OP"s gone through. ..
Reality check guys, woman were not put on this earth just for your pleasure
Anyway, my point is I couldn't forgive and forget. But that's me, I know what I'm like and what I can and can not handle..
Fights that last for days if your husband looks at another woman? Really? That seems a little excessive.
I've had times when my partner was straight up bought drinks at a bar during a friend's birthday and he ordered what he know I drank and gave them to me. If he checked out another woman or said something like hey she's wearing a cute dress or check out those jeans or hair or she's got big boobs, I had no issues. It's perfectly healthy to appreciate another person's looks and be attracted to another person. We had this running joke because I love Jason Statham that needed to make sure he was on top of things in bed just in case Jason Statham ever showed up and I had to choose between the two of them. I was totally ok with him appreciating another woman's physical appearance. That being said, he never hit on them, he mentioned it to me afterwards, he never texted other women (with the exception of like his sister in law and his friends wives/girlfriends when making plans) and he never crossed any kind of line. I had zero reservation about trusting him when it came to things like that.
I am of the mindset that checking out other people is totally ok . . . healthy even, acting on it or hitting on or flirting with others may be crossing a boundary, depending on the relationship you have.
Can you honestly say you don't check out other guys? Or you can't appreciate when a guy makes you do a double take? Our partner's aren't just the only ones we find physically attractive (OMG - can you imagine if they were? lol) but they are the ones we are the most intimate with. And the ones we share our lives with - there's so much more to it than physical attraction. He isn't crossing any boundaries by appreciating another woman's physically appearance, so why let it cause cracks in the foundation of your marriage?
It's all about respect for me. You just do not gawk at another woman while the one you supposedly love is by your side.
I feel sorry for those women whose husbands are perves, i literally look at them and think "you poor woman"
There's physically cheating, but there's also emotional cheating...And nope i don't look nor have any interest in other men. Why? Because i'm totally devoted to this one. The day i start leering and/or lusting after other men, will be the day i know i don't love him anymore. Neither of us are 18 anymore, we can keep our hormones in control 
Oh and I don't come here on the forums while he's around because he has a fit if he sees avatars of muscle men etc etc So i stay on my phone as the avatars are mostly too small to see properly. It's just respecting and understanding eachothers feelings
So your man gets angry with you if you see someone else topless, even if you do not seek to. Sounds totally healthy..... Also, that basically rules out going to the beach, ever.
Yep, admittedly i would to. And there is NO way i would ever go to the beach with him, that would be a recipe for disaster
Do you not find that terribly restrictive and controlling? Should you not have the right to go to the beach if you want? Or watch a film that might have nudity in? Also, having to go behind his back to go on your fitness app seems rather extreme. Seeing someone else semi-naked does not necessarily mean that you will be attracted to them and in any case even if you are, it does not mean you will cheat. I could not be in a relationship with someone that showed that level of mis-trust of me.
ETA: no offense intended BTW. Just expressing my opinion
No offence taken at all. As i get where you're coming from. I make triple sure i don't get movies with naked slags in them, imo it's just pointless and has zero to do with the story line, it's there for the men. Now if it was fair, and they also showed naked men with their shlongs flapping about for no reason, that would make it easier to take, not that they i have any interest, but whats good for the goose and all that.
I know my thinking is unreasonable in some ways, but i can't switch it of, i wish i could. I have no problem with respecting his feelings and not doing something that i know will upset him, and i expect the same from him.
I guess we're kind of at the opposite end in some ways, in that we watch naughty movies together I don't really mind if he watches them on his own, either. I think everyone is entitled to their fantasies and 'alone time'. Plus if I banned him from having alone time, I wouldn't be allowed to enjoy my steamy novels..... This has the added benefit to our sex life together in that we get ideas from elsewhere to share with each other and try out.
It's very different, for me, seeing a complete stranger semi-naked or naked and fantasising about it, than it is to oggle a friend. Looking at strangers is window shopping. You already have an emotional connection to a friend, which makes it a whole lot closer to an affair if you start finding them physically attractive too.
We never watched dirty movies together - they didn't do anything for me but he liked them so if he watched one he really liked we had this kind of fake rule where if we were both home and I was in bed or something he would wake me up and we had some of the best freakin sex like that. If I was out of town for work we would have phone sex. We had a really great sex life.
Also - dirty books got me so worked up and he loved it because I would be reading on like a Saturday afternoon and he would come home and I would just be ready to go lol. Sorry if that's TMI but I totally get where you're coming from. Alone time can add a lot to a couples sex life and keep things fresh. Sex is important.
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Something you might not want to hear, but at the same time not a statement on your physical attractiveness; he may have fallen out of love, or was a D-bag and was never in love. "Not Attracted" might have to do with this aspect. I know, because near the end of my marriage, neither of us were "attracted" to the other anymore, and looks played no part. She was and still is a physically beautiful woman. We weren't emotionally attracted.
I know this sounds depressing, but this might be where you can focus, and see if the marriage, this young, can be repaired or gotten out of with minimal emotional scars. And know physically, you are still attractive.0 -
I am sorry you are going through this. His behaviour is not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of himself and his character.0
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pineapple_peach10 wrote: »I am sorry you are going through this. His behaviour is not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of himself and his character.
so very true
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labeastette wrote: »Sorry to hear you are going through this.
IMO... If I were you, I would leave him and move on with your life as painful as it is. You are so much more deserving of love and respect than what he is giving you. Don't waste your life trying to change someone. Life is too short. It'll be hard for awhile, but you will find yourself and what you are capable of in the end. You are stronger than you know!
I think that is a lot easier said than done. Being married is not like bf/gf status. This is a whole lot more work and discussion. Then, if ready, counseling if she wants to take it that far.
Good luck with this issue. Just don't let someone make you feel *kitten*. Definitely bring it up.
Peace0 -
You don't want to spend the rest of your life with a partner that you can't trust. It has nothing to do with your weight and you deserve a husband who lives up to the vow he took. What he did isn't acceptable, regardless of your weight.
I'd confront him, let him know you heard him, and find out what is going on. Don't let this go on for years. Get out now rather than later.
An Annulment is different from a divorce.
Seeing how you haven't been married for too long, you might qualify going 1 route vs another, IF this is something that has crossed your mind.
Its sad that you've been "together" for 4 yrs and yet only married for 5 months with this now going on...maybe couples counseling, that way you have more perspective and more of a clear mind on where to go from there.
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yopeeps025 wrote: »Fat2Fit145 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »How much weight could have increased in 5 months?
I gained about 10 pounds. I was 185 around our wedding. the scale said 196.5 this morning
It can be a lot depending on weight distributions. You didn't gain a lot IMO. What does he expect when you get pregnant if that is the plan? This is a very serious issue and I put more blame on him too.
Well said... Unless you don't want kids. I personally think he has a sex addiction and he's been hiding it or he's gay.0 -
firemama28 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »Fat2Fit145 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »How much weight could have increased in 5 months?
I gained about 10 pounds. I was 185 around our wedding. the scale said 196.5 this morning
It can be a lot depending on weight distributions. You didn't gain a lot IMO. What does he expect when you get pregnant if that is the plan? This is a very serious issue and I put more blame on him too.
Well said... Unless you don't want kids. I personally think he has a sex addiction and he's been hiding it or he's gay.
Uhm, what? That is a huge jump, we know nothing about this guy except that he was texting with some woman something he shouldn't have. You don't have to have a sex addiction or be gay to do that?? lolz.
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labeastette wrote: »Sorry to hear you are going through this.
IMO... If I were you, I would leave him and move on with your life as painful as it is. You are so much more deserving of love and respect than what he is giving you. Don't waste your life trying to change someone. Life is too short. It'll be hard for awhile, but you will find yourself and what you are capable of in the end. You are stronger than you know!
I think that is a lot easier said than done. Being married is not like bf/gf status. This is a whole lot more work and discussion. Then, if ready, counseling if she wants to take it that far.
Good luck with this issue. Just don't let someone make you feel *kitten*. Definitely bring it up.
Peace
Well, here is the thing..... they BOTH have to WANT to work it out for that to work. If one party really is not invested, then no matter how much the other one wants it, it ain't gonna fly. There are tons of people who will pretend they want it just to keep the peace, all the while still trying to run around cheating. Or, sometimes, not even cheating, just going through the motions when they don't want to go find someplace else to live, separate, divorce, and all that entails, even when they really don't love their spouse any more.
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KrissyMuree wrote: »Relationships are not easy. Marriage (or long term monogamy) is even harder.
I haven't read all of the other replies, but my fiance went through this with me four years ago. We managed to work through it and work past it and rebuild the trust and our relationship is actually ten times better than it was then. It was him, and me, and it was through a lot of talking and therapy that we came to a conclusion about his misgivings (only texting/sexting other women). He was at a very low point in his life, very insecure and felt very alone - there was no excuse for it, but there it is. He sought attention elsewhere because he felt he wasn't getting it enough from me, and he didn't feel he could open up to me. So he went to someone else.
I can also admit at the time that I was far from the loving, much more understanding woman that I am now.
That being said, these things can be worked on and worked past. I'm not on team "throw it away". As many older couples have said, once upon a time, if something was broken, you'd fix it - not throw it away.
If he were incapable of communication, refused to talk it through and seek therapy or simply did not have the capacity to admit his wrongdoing and understand the dilemma fully and how much it hurt me, I would have left him. But I gave it my all first. As did he.
Also, there's three sides to every story. His side, your side and the truth.
I felt heartbroken, angry, betrayed, hurt and devastated when it happened to me - but did not realize how unsupportive, critical and platonic I had been towards him.
That may not be the case for you, but again, relationships are never easy.
Do what is best for you, your sanity and your future. Don't settle for less, but don't break into a run when things get rough either. No one knows your relationship better than you and your husband.
BEST ADVICE!!!
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I haven't read all of the above replies. I'm so sorry you have gone through this. It sounds horrible. You need to both sit down together and talk about this situation and say exactly how you feel. I'm not married myself so probably can't give the best advice. If you feel like you need a chat about anything you can always message me. Nothing's every to silly. It's always best to get it out and not suffer in silence. I hope you both get through it x0
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I am so sorry for what you're going through...I can't imagine how difficult it is and how you may think it's you. As many other posters have said, it's NOT a 10 pound weight gain on your part, it's definitely your husband. I have a dear friend who just went through this and had been married 5 months as well, it was so hard on him! I have been married almost 9 years and have 4 children, I weigh 30 pounds more than when we got married and am in the process of losing. My husband has never done anything but tell me how beautiful I am and that he doesn't love me for my body.
Know that you are worth more than what he is giving you, because that's ridiculous!! Again as others have stated, he obviously has a wandering eye and I doubt that will change. Advice from a 9 year marriage, it's tough as heck but can be the biggest blessing in your life if the person you are with is going to fight for you and what you have in your marriage! If it was me, get fired up, get mad and don't put up with it! As heartbreaking as it may be, there will be happiness again and you will find someone who deserves your love!0 -
Girl... I know exactly how you are feeling. Just ended a five year relationship for the same thing. Actually he ended it!Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Well... I never thought I'd be here...ALREADY!. Ive been married for almost 5 months. This weekend I saw my husband talking to another female on his phone about our sex life. He told her he was not physically attracted to me. He also told her he is attracted to her... his exact words TO HER, "i'm attracted to u". I'm devastated and really cant believe i'm experiencing this already. It is the MOST hurtful thing EVER!. I admit I have put on a few more pounds since we got married, HE HAS as well. And I have taken note of it and started exercising. Sadly , on one end I cant blame him for not being attracted to me, I am not even attracted to myself. I HATEEE What I see in the mirror. Im not sure what hurts the most, the fact that I think he is justified in not being attracted to me, or that he is not, and is attracted to another woman. This hurts super bad!
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WOW!!! No. No. No. It is one thing to feel like physical attractive is lacking, but he should be confiding in YOU about that. And where the heck is the love? Where is the loyalty? He is not being loyal to you, and there is NO excuse for that. If he loved you he would SUPPORT you. He would say "Hey let's workout together and get healthy". You are worth more than your appearance. Only 5 months into a marriage and he is basically emotionally cheating on you. There will be nothing but heart ache with this fella.0
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firemama28 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »Fat2Fit145 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »How much weight could have increased in 5 months?
I gained about 10 pounds. I was 185 around our wedding. the scale said 196.5 this morning
It can be a lot depending on weight distributions. You didn't gain a lot IMO. What does he expect when you get pregnant if that is the plan? This is a very serious issue and I put more blame on him too.
Well said... Unless you don't want kids. I personally think he has a sex addiction and he's been hiding it or he's gay.
I agree with the first part. You are making assumptions. Don't worry that has been going around this thread a lot.0 -
Get professional counseling and legal advice.0
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You are accepting advice from people, such as myself, but you can't identify or research the competence of the responder. You know what to do with your life. You know what to do with your husband. Stop asking for advice and start picking up your phone.0
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Sorry your going through this but honestly I don't feel your weight is the issue for your husbands lack of respect for you. You also have to start respecting yourself and make some decisions that will change your life forever. None of this has anything to do with weight or looks its about "respect" and "excuses". He is making the choice to seek conversations and lord knows what else outside of your relationship and using your weight as an excuse because hey its the "easy" target...personally I wouldn't let him get off that easy...nor would I care in the long run if he ever saw me at "my best". Don't stick around to try and prove that once you lose the weight he will be attracted to you....get healthy for yourself "ALONE" it will make you a stronger person....Good luck.0
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His behavior is more about him than about you or your excess weight.
He's probably still attracted to you (and about 98% of the women between 17 1/2 and 80 that he sees) but he has to tell the girl on the phone that. Homewreckers don't like to hear that they are just the flavor of the month or soup du jour. They like to beleive that they deserve the guy more or are saving the *kitten* from a loveless marriage with their dazzling vagina and heart of gold.
Think about it...would you date a guy who admits to loving someone else?...he already did that by marrying you, now he's gotta talk you WAY down to convince her to ride his Baloney Pony Express while still wearing his symbol if undying love to you on the finger he uses to...
Well, that's enough, I think you get the point.
Just.
Break.
Up.
He is flawed. You may or may not be still. Save yourself.
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The fact that you justify his behavior is shameful in itself... So in this 5 whole months you've been married you have gained 10lbs and you can't blame him for not being attracted to you? I hate to say it but you have some serious issues if you think you did something to cause him to be sexting with another woman after only 5 months of marriage... I have gained 39lbs since my husband and I were married 13 years ago... birth of children, medical issues, death of both of my parents etc... all of the things life throws at you and me being an emotional eater didn't help. I am not proud of my new super sized body but it would be a cold day in hell that I would justify my husband having extra circular activities because of it... My new sized body hasn't changed how my husband feels about me... he still chases me around like he did when we first met he is not out there talking to another woman.... Why? because weight didn't change the woman he fell in love with? I would be questioning his love for you at this point instead of wondering what you did to make him be the *kitten* he obviously is...5 months and he already lost interest because of 10lbs... what happens 20/30 years from now when life sets in, looks fade, wrinkles, sagging??? sorry if that is harsh but you are newlyweds and he is sexting another woman telling her he isn't attracted to you? Doesn't sound like he made a life time commitment...0
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