Absence Before Marriage

drojen

Sex confuses feelings and emotions expecially when relationships are newer. To get caught up in all that passion can delude people into thinking they feel something they dont because they are so blinded by the "bliss" that closeness creates that they tend to overlook other less than compatible attributes of their partner.

I relate to this completely. Made many a mistake of jumping in too fast and regretting it later when I was younger. Could never be sure if the relationship was about sex or a "real" relationship. So, now, being much older and wiser , I would definitely have a waiting period before taking that step - but I wouldn't wait until marriage. That said, I've been a single mom since my now 15 yr old son was a fetus and there hasn't been one date in all these years. I might spontaneously combust if presented with the opportunity to have sex with someone. :laugh: .

Waiting is a personal preference. I have no judgement one way or another. But if you're looking long term, I definitely advise having a good, solid relationship based on common goals, values whatever you want to call it, before taking that step.

holothuroidea

I believe that the concept of "virginity" comes from a very harmful place and I'm totally against the whole abstinence thing, but I understand that there are people who conceptualize it differently than I do.

How is the concept of virginity coming from a harmful place? I just want to understand as I can't figure that out at all...

It comes from a very patriarchal system that places value on women based on their sexual inexperience and turns female sexuality into a service (or, more romantically referred to as a "gift") rendered for males, essentially negating it as something worthwhile for the female. In addition to that, it's cis-het specific. What is the homosexual equivalent for losing one's virginity? Are all homosexuals virgins? (They don't think so.) There's also the whole issue of the concept of sexual economy, but I don't really want to get into that right now.

I just think it's twisted. When you first have sex, do you lose something ("virginity") or do you gain something (an experience)?

I know for me, at least, I didn't lose anything.

BlueInkDot

Absinthe before marriage will probably lead to you doing some embarrassing things and leave you feeling very headachey in the morning. I think it would be the same after marriage as well.

holothuroidea

There's a lot of emphasis on sexual compatibility. Sure, you will probably have issues if you have drastically different sexual preferences. But how can you say that "sex is a huge part of a relationship" while also saying sex is not "special"? I guess it just depends on the purpose of sex in your relationship. Sex bonds people together. Sex creates life. What about relationships in which one or both parties is physically unable to have sex, either regularly or at all?

I'm just asking these questions because I've always been curious as to why sex seems like either a big deal, or not that important at all. Help me understand, people. LOL.

Eating is a huge part of life. You wouldn't be able to survive without eating. But it's not special. Everybody eats. It's a huge but normal part of life. It is so important that it is completely not special or unique.

The same goes for sleeping, washing yourself, and being sexual.

silvergurl518

abensce makes the heart grow fonder.



^just say no.

jwdieter

Would not date. Best for everyone involved. Find someone who shares values and things will work out better.

Lone_Wolf70

im sure this has been said, but abstinence happens AFTER marriage.

Sqeekyjojo

I believe that the concept of "virginity" comes from a very harmful place and I'm totally against the whole abstinence thing, but I understand that there are people who conceptualize it differently than I do.

How is the concept of virginity coming from a harmful place? I just want to understand as I can't figure that out at all...

It's like selling a car on the basis of being straight from the factory or with a couple of previous owners.

Francl27

Personally, no. It's not because I couldn't abstain, but because having chemistry in sex is a very important part of a relationship, IMO, and it's kinda necessary to know if you get along in that aspect before getting married.

CantStopWontStop92

That is the macro cosmic level.

Macro cosmic... lolcats

skullshank

i first got laid at 17, and it was awkward. poking and prodding around like a crazed sloth in the back of my car.
been working on honing this craft ever since.
i certainly dont have it down perfect yet, but i know my wife is glad i had some practice before her.

holothuroidea

im sure this has been said, but abstinence happens AFTER marriage.

how sad

holothuroidea

I believe that the concept of "virginity" comes from a very harmful place and I'm totally against the whole abstinence thing, but I understand that there are people who conceptualize it differently than I do.

How is the concept of virginity coming from a harmful place? I just want to understand as I can't figure that out at all...

It's like selling a car on the basis of being straight from the factory or with a couple of previous owners.

I am not a car. I am not property and it is not possible to own me.

This is exactly why I think it's wrong and harmful.

AlongCame_Molly

I don't think that sex is morally wrong, and I feel sorry for people who do.

Why would you "feel sorry for" someone who believes sex outside of marriage is morally wrong?

I don't think that the meaning of life, if any, is that the person who denies themselves the most pleasure wins at the end.

First, it sounds sad that you're not sure if there is a meanging of life at all. Secondly, denying ourselves certain pleasures is about more than just trying to win a game in the end.

This. I am the one sorry for you, because you have doubts about the meaning of life. Really. Not being rude at all. That's a sad thing for me to imagine. I certainly hope you find direction and something to believe in and hope for one day. It's brought me so much joy, that I wish everyone can have the chance to experience it.

But I digress. Getting back to OP's question, yes, I think it's extremely important to wait until marriage. I'm not judging anyone who does differently, (because I didn't always believe this) but I believe sex is meant to be the ultimate expression of love and shouldn't be passed around like free candy. Sex is very emotionally binding, and if you bind yourself to someone you're not married to, it can cause the most awful pain and emotional scarring when you pull apart. I speak from personal experiences, here.

Neither my husband or I were virgins when we got married, but we abstained from each other until the wedding night. We have had no problems, in terms of satisfaction and compatibility.

I think if a couple are mature enough to communicate their expectations in the bedroom to each other before marriage, there is no need to try each other out to "see if you are compatible". Marriage is always about compromising and learning to give and take, and it shouldn't be any different with sex, IMO. To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

kidsrmakinmenuts

I would never buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first. I don't have to try on every pair in the store, and I don't have to buy them just because I tried them on. But if I am going to be wearing those shoes for a while, I have to know they are going to be comfortable.

Sqeekyjojo

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

richardheath

Hell no! I would not date anyone who was into abstinence. That may well be because I'm 46, divorced and am not planning on getting married again. Marriage might happen one day, but I'm not going to rush it. In the meantime, I plan on living, and sex is a healthy, natural part of a relationship. Luckily, my girlfriend agrees with me ;-)

I tell my children (a boy and 2 girls) that it is OK for them to have sex before they get married if they want to, although I do hope they wait at least until they are really sure they want to. I insist they use birth control! Abstinence-only sex education is the primary cause of unwanted pregnancy and abortions.

If you want to "save yourself" that's fine. Do what you want. But I'm probably never going to see abstinence as something virtuous or noble.

I_Will_End_You

Ugh. Out. No thanks. Never. If someone is that religious that they won't do it before marriage, I don't want to date them because we obviously would not be compatible.

It's not always a religious thing sometimes it's as simple as a personal prefrence. To assume it's always a religious thing is just silly.

I have yet to meet someone who did the whole...waiting till marriage thing that wasn't religious. It's always "god's will" or "as god intended" type stuff.

ladymiseryali

I wouldn't buy a car before test-driving it first. I don't believe in abstinence, as it appears to be a religious thing more than anything. I wouldn't marry someone I wasn't sexually compatible with, since sex is part of a healthy marriage and relationship.

I don't care if anyone else chooses abstinence, but it's not for me.

sweebum

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

I wouldn't do it. I broke off an engagement as we were not sexually compatible.

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?

Absolutely not. Sexual compatibility is a must!

joleenl

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

Yeah I agree. As a female, if you are waiting because you want to give your virginity to your husband as a "gift" or because you think it makes you more "valuable" as a women that is just plain wrong. IMO if you are waiting for marriage then you should expect the same from your partner. Women are "not" gifts to men. Having sex out of wedlock does not devalue a women. IMO waiting is cool when it's a mutual thing between man and women.

holothuroidea

@Squeakyjojo- I am so glad I'm not the only person disturbed by all the car analogies.

AlongCame_Molly

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

I didn't say just women. I fully mean this to apply to men, too.

peleroja

I'm not religious, and I have some pretty strong ideas about the "purity" concept as a way to control women. I read a lot of books including "The Purity Myth" by Jessica Valenti in my late teens which really influenced my feelings on the subject. I'm not a big fan of marriage generally either, so I think my stance on the subject is probably pretty clear. I wouldn't date anyone who believed in the necessity of abstinence before marriage because there would obviously be some incompatible core values there. Fortunately, though, I have the perfect man for me already.

MaryJane_8810002

Im abstinent and 24 but I doubt that I will stay this way before I Get married. I wanna try ALL the Kool Aid flavors before I settle for Tropical Punch!

ndj1979

why is this on MFP?

Or did the over lords make this a non fitness site?

KANGOOJUMPS

um, no,,, I need to know if they are good in bed or not,

ladymiseryali

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

I didn't say just women. I fully mean this to apply to men, too.

So you're slut-shaming both men and women.......wonderful. :grumble:

3foldchord

I was engaged for 2 months (dated for 7months before that)*, my husband and I were both abstinent before marriage, and have been married almost 22 years.
It works for some people apparently.

* time of dating included for folks who think it is needed to live together for 2 years first. not saying that it is needed too NOT, but 'different strokes for different folks'

smframe1

I would agree with waiting until you are married. It's worth it. Even if someone has not waited until marriage there can still be restoration from past hurts. We have a very loving and forgiving God.:) I guess I'm just old fashion.