Absence Before Marriage
Replies
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It's not for me, I embrace my body and my hormones. My husband and I waited for a while but it wasn't by choice...we were stuck in other countries and I was pregnant when we got married. I think maintaining a healthy sex life is important for a relationship.
For those who say they are old fashioned and born to another time period, lets not forget that it was common and socially acceptable to have mistresses in the early 20th century. Some how people miss that. I would rather be a good partner for my husband so he would never have to think twice about going astray.0 -
What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?
Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?
Or would you feel like that was an admirable thing to do?
My thoughts? If it works for you, groovy. If not, also groovy.
No, I probably wouldn't date a man who wouldn't give it up before marriage. I'm all for waiting to get to know each other and taking time (I've got a 120 day rule, after all) but I'm not going to pledge my life to you and not know about the goods.
It's no more or less admirable than any other sexual choice.0 -
I rather know if he's any good.
Exactly. It would suck to marry someone and realize they don't know anything about the opposite sex's genitalia.0 -
What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?
Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?...........
Sexual compatibility is important to me...no way I would ever marry anyone without sex first. I dated plenty of girls in the past who were great, until we hit the sack...no sexual compatibility. It's important...and I'm not religious. Also, sex is just sex...there are far more intimate things in a relationship, especially a marriage.0 -
I don't think that sex is morally wrong, and I feel sorry for people who do. I don't think that the meaning of life, if any, is that the person who denies themselves the most pleasure wins at the end.
I think this comment projects far too much onto OP and to others who may feel like OP.
This is probably waaaay way waaaay TMI for something that will come up on google, but ...honestly...I don't like it if I'm not totally smitten with the person I am with. And I'm super super super picky...so I don't get smitten all that easily. If I were to go a super long time without having those warm fuzzy feelings about someone, I'm not feeling like I'm "denying myself pleasure" or that "sex is morally wrong." To force myself to do it to keep up with some weird expectation that I be sexually active regardless of how I feel about it would be unpleasurable for me. I would have a much better time doing something else.
That being said, when I am smitten with someone, they better have some stamina!0 -
Do I still need to be abstinent if I never want to get married?0
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Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??
Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?
Good question.
Some have already alluded to the answer.
If there has been a difficult divorce situation, I believe God can restore that intimacy and trust between the new husband and wife by healing past hurts.
Following the death of a spouse, I believe God could help the widow/widower deal with the grief and move on to a place where that person would be emotionally ready to marry again.
To clarify, I was more referring to those who chose to have sex with no real desire for commitment and marriage.
In essence, they're just using the other person to gratify a physical need rather than wanting to develop a true relationship which takes time, patience and mutual respect.
On that vein, I had read where many posters have replied by "trying out" a potential mate to see if they're "any good" for them.
That's selfish.
Marriage isn't all about me, my wants, my satisfaction.
It's about wanting what is best for the other person.
It's about life not always being rosy, about irritations, about annoyances.
And most importantly, it's about how you allow those less than ideal circumstances to build your character and become a better person.
The selfless person God created you to be.0 -
Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??
Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?
Good question.
Some have already alluded to the answer.
If there has been a difficult divorce situation, I believe God can restore that intimacy and trust between the new husband and wife by healing past hurts.
Following the death of a spouse, I believe God could help the widow/widower deal with the grief and move on to a place where that person would be emotionally ready to marry again.
To clarify, I was more referring to those who chose to have sex with no real desire for commitment and marriage.
In essence, they're just using the other person to gratify a physical need rather than wanting to develop a true relationship which takes time, patience and mutual respect.
On that vein, I had read where many posters have replied by "trying out" a potential mate to see if they're "any good" for them.
That's selfish.
Marriage isn't all about me, my wants, my satisfaction.
It's about wanting what is best for the other person.
It's about life not always being rosy, about irritations, about annoyances.
And most importantly, it's about how you allow those less than ideal circumstances to build your character and become a better person.
The selfless person God created you to be.
I know I may be one of the few people on here who agrees so I will just say yes and yes. Love is selfless.0 -
I prefer a blank slate so I can train them and mold them into my loveslave.0
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Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??
Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?
No, of course their sex, intimacy, etc. would not be any less meaningful. I can say that my husband is the man I was created to be with, but if something happened and he died, I am free to remarry. And, I'd love that person with just as much love. Although, I am not sure if I'd ever remarry personally. That is not to say one can't. If I truly love someone then I will trust them as it says in that definition of love I gave before. Thank you for asking.
If it is your personal preference to only have sex to someone you are married to because you think that there is a god and that is something your god is very interested in that is fine for you.
That concept will not fly with me because I don't think that there is an actual god out there and even if there were one I would be highly disappointed if a being of such scope would concern itself with such trivial matters as who I had sex with and when.
That does not mean that I think the act of sex is meaningless. I have had many sexual encounters in my life some were one on one and some were threesomes but none of them were cheap. They were very important meaningful and treasured experiences that I would not change any of them. I have no regrets and I still care about and respect each and every one of them. Ironically the one exception to that is my ex-wife who I did actually wait to have sex with until after we got married.
The point is just because you have an opinion about what makes a relationship meaningful or what makes sex meaningful don't forget that it is an opinion. It isn't an objective truth that is true for everyone.0 -
What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.0
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What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?
Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?
Or would you feel like that was an admirable thing to do?
I'm replying before reading any other posts, so you're going to get the pure, straight dope from me.
I abstain. Other things I've done have me convinced sex will feel AWESOME. But I'm holding off until I'm married.
I would be lying if I said my faith system had nothing to do with it, but there are other factors. One of them was that, when my parent's had "the talk" with me (and I was only about 4 or 5 when they gave me the book "Where did I come from?"), the idea was that it was something a husband and wife did. They didn't say anything negative about having sex outside marriage. The idea that sex was something that happened between married people was simply allowed to be an understood element of my knowledge on the subject.
It was somewhat reinforced in my mid-twenties when I worked under a commander who was married but had not waited for marriage and he said "In my opinion, having sex outside marriage just isn't really worth it. I can't point to something in my life that is better because I operated that way."
But I've got more pragmatic reasons for it.
On one hand, I've seen the devestation that can come when one individual thinks the sex means something and the other person doesn't share that feeling. I had a very good friend who was badly burned when he thought the sex meant the relationship was serious but it turned out she basically just wanted to have some fun that night.
My main reason, however, is the fact that, In the course of my life, I've seen EVERY form of birth control fail. This includes a couple where both the man and woman had their respective tubes tied. So, even though the odds may be small, I look at sex with the recognition that conception is always possible. If I father a child, i'm going to commit to that child. Therefore, it only makes sense to hold off on taking that risk until I'm with a woman to whom I'm already committed.
I've also noticed that, when these surprise pregnancies happen, it seems that couples who were already committed who had the least trouble. One couple had two condom-babies. Decades later, they're doing fine. Their lives may not have taken the path they expected, but they haven't fallen apart by any means. My cousin impregnated a girl he was dating and married her as a result. They have made the marriage work, but it has taken a lot more effort because, while they've committed to each other, they weren't necessarily the best most natural matches for each other. Then, there was one young woman who was in extremely dire straits because she was a single mother who, among other things, hadn't been able to finish High School and was astranged from her family because the pregnancy was the result of her having an affair with a married man.
I also had a fairly extreme experience. Not long ago, I had to process and investigate a suicide of an indivual from our unit. In the process of trying to discover the reason why, we didn't find much about his life that stood out from any other member. But there was one thing. The results of his sexual behavior meant that he had fathered 3 children with 3 different women. This introduced a large amount of personal stress, to include the fact that they confirmed #2 was his after he'd married the mother of #3. It also meant he had a large amount of financial stress because his paycheck, with which it would be difficult to support a wife and single child, was forced to include two separate child support payments in additon to his family.
It's just my personal assessment, but I simply don't think a brief endorphine high is worth risking these headaches. It's not worth the headaches of paying child support or explaining the situation to my [hypothetical] wife. And I'm not going to make a woman put up with the stresses of being a single mother while raising a child I've fathered. If a woman's life is sidelined by a pregnancy, I'm not going to be the one who did it.
Then there's my emotional reason: Being in the military, I've wound up doing just about anything you can do with another human with people I've trained or worked with. That includes living, eating, going to the bathroom, showering (hooray, for gang showers), crying, cheering, looking to the future, thinking "there's a good chance I won't live to see tomorrow", and all that kind of stuff. I've made commitments that, at times, may even override any relationships I have had or will have in the future. I've even had deep, emotional experiences that I may not really be able to share with my wife if she hasn't been in the military.
So I want my wife to know that there's a part of me and my life that I've saved JUST FOR HER beyond filing jointly for taxes and social security. To me, sexual intimacy is that one gift I can safeguard.
Would I date someone who did not abstain?
Maybe, maybe not. To me, the issue is that there's a whole spectrum of behaviors that constitute sex before marriage. Someone who waited until she was engaged or in a very serious relationship doesn't worry me as much as someone who has made a habit of having sex with random partners on a weekly basis.
I know people can change. I've seen some who, as far as I know, have managed to remain faithful after having pre-marital sex with others. Still, my job as a cop has shown me that there are some leopards who don't change their spots as much as they may say, if at all.
I want to be able to know that, when Uncle Sam sends me around the world or something happens in my life that means I'm not there to be intimate with my wife, I don't need to worry about the possibility of her going back to her old ways. I hope that my wife would be able to take the fact that I've abstained from sex as a sign that I won't be playing around behind her back, either.
If you're someone who likes a lot of variety or leads a sexually active life before getting married, that's fine. You're just probably not the woman for me.
Do I think abstaining is admirable? Yes. I think it is a behavior that shows a form of personal discipline and self control.
I mentioned that I'm saving sex for my wife so that she has a special part of my life that I've shared ONLY with her. I'd like to think she has been able to do the same for me. One way I heard someone put it was like this: "Why should I wait until I'm married before I'm faithful to my spouse?"0 -
YaYY for you!! I think abstinence is a treasure for your spouse! I agree that sex is special. Those who want to try out their potential mate for compatibility don't have it quite right, IMO. Many things can happen physically to hamper a sexual experience. Yeast infections can cause numbness. Surgeries or other illnesses will causes changes in sensations or performance issues. As in every other area of your married life, sexual intimacy and maintaing that relationship takes work.
What if you think a guy is perfect then you sleep with him? he doesn't perform up to your standard. he could have had 1 too many drinks. He could have had a stressful day at work and been very tired. You break up because you aren't compatible. He could have been a stud but for that one night and you lost Mr. Perfect.
This may be reaching but my point is that 1 sexual experience cannot and should not define your whole relationship. Nothing worth having comes easy and that includes a good sex life. After 23 years of marriage, I can promise you, even there, it is for better or worse. Most of the time, it is wonderful. Sometimes, one of us is off our game. Work in progress!!0 -
What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.
If only we could all agree on what God said!0 -
Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??
Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?
Good question.
Some have already alluded to the answer.
If there has been a difficult divorce situation, I believe God can restore that intimacy and trust between the new husband and wife by healing past hurts.
Following the death of a spouse, I believe God could help the widow/widower deal with the grief and move on to a place where that person would be emotionally ready to marry again.
To clarify, I was more referring to those who chose to have sex with no real desire for commitment and marriage.
In essence, they're just using the other person to gratify a physical need rather than wanting to develop a true relationship which takes time, patience and mutual respect.
On that vein, I had read where many posters have replied by "trying out" a potential mate to see if they're "any good" for them.
That's selfish.
Marriage isn't all about me, my wants, my satisfaction.
It's about wanting what is best for the other person.
It's about life not always being rosy, about irritations, about annoyances.
And most importantly, it's about how you allow those less than ideal circumstances to build your character and become a better person.
The selfless person God created you to be.
I have already addressed the idea that these types of assessments are all based on the unproven assertion that god is real so I won't harp on that point too much here.
Instead I would like to look at this claim that wanting a mate that is able to sexually satisfy you is selfish. I don't know what sort of mind you have to concoct this line of reasoning but I would say it is either not selfish or it is justifiably selfish.
Since your post gives me the impression that you are Christian I will assume that is true for now and you can correct me if I am wrong. If that is true then that means you believe marriage is a life long commitment. You are basically saying. Get married to this person without having sex with them and if they are terrible at sex and you get no satisfaction relax. The commitment will only last until one of you is dead.
There is nothing selfish about wanting to get to know someone as thoroughly as possible before entering in to a commitment that carries so much gravity. Furthermore caring about these things does not mean you think the whole marriage is all about selfish desires. You can still sacrifice for the other person.0 -
What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.
There was a time when the word of god was pretty much treated as the law of the land. It was called the dark ages.0 -
What comforts me is that there has only been one post with someone using their faith in God to take a swipe at people who have had premarital sex, by implying they don't "really love" each other. Even others who abstain from sex for religious reasons have managed to express this without lamenting the state of the world because of us "fornicators".What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.0 -
Csuhar: :flowerforyou:
LBNOakland brings up an excellent point.
Life holds no guarantees.
I believe the assumption has been that we are all able bodied adults.
What if your husband is in a car accident, is paralyzed and can no longer "perform"?
What if your wife has a stroke and lives in a nursing home.
Obviously, they are no longer any "good" in bed.
Do you kick them to the curb and go looking for hotter prospects?
When we were first married, my husband told me that no matter what may happen to me he would always be by my side.
This means so much more to me than any "test drive" ever could.0 -
What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.
Which version of this Word? The one where women are stoned to death for damaging their resale value?0 -
I have been in a loving relationship for awhile, I told my boyfriend I wanted to wait until marriage(week 1). He is super supportive and doesn't pressure me at all. If, you want to wait it's a personal choice. Just find someone who loves you and understands you morals and you will be happy. As for all the saying about being compatible in sex lets just say everything takes practice. I think you are awesome for sticking to your personal beliefs good luck.0
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What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.
So the world is sh!tty because of non-believers and fornicators? Riiiiight :huh:0 -
Csuhar: :flowerforyou:
LBNOakland brings up an excellent point.
Life holds no guarantees.
I believe the assumption has been that we are all able bodied adults.
What if your husband is in a car accident, is paralyzed and can no longer "perform"?
What if your wife has a stroke and lives in a nursing home.
Obviously, they are no longer any "good" in bed.
Do you kick them to the curb and go looking for hotter prospects?
When we were first married, my husband told me that no matter what may happen to me he would always be by my side.
This means so much more to me than any "test drive" ever could.
So you think that if something were to happen to my wife I would not be by her side? How does having sex before marriage mean that I will kick her to the curb if she is in an accident? You have some very harsh judgements of people who don't think just like you.0 -
In before the lock! Since I have no plans to ever marry, nor remain sexless, not gonna work for me.0
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Abstinence before marriage makes as much sense to me as playing Russian Roulette. If you wanna play that game... go right ahead. I really do respect people who walk the walk, make it work. More power to you.
Personally, I think it's obsolete now. We have birth control and DNA tests and courts and laws - we don't need to socially sanction men and women (yes, BOTH -- you're fooling yourself if you think men don't get it too) anymore into chastity, just order to figure out who's baby belongs to who.0 -
LOL God's words were written by humans. Wrap your mind around that.What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.0 -
Csuhar: :flowerforyou:
LBNOakland brings up an excellent point.
Life holds no guarantees.
I believe the assumption has been that we are all able bodied adults.
What if your husband is in a car accident, is paralyzed and can no longer "perform"?
What if your wife has a stroke and lives in a nursing home.
Obviously, they are no longer any "good" in bed.
Do you kick them to the curb and go looking for hotter prospects?
When we were first married, my husband told me that no matter what may happen to me he would always be by my side.
This means so much more to me than any "test drive" ever could.
So you think that if something were to happen to my wife I would not be by her side? How does having sex before marriage mean that I will kick her to the curb if she is in an accident? You have some very harsh judgements of people who don't think just like you.
Well said. Sex does not equal morality.0 -
interesting. bumping for later. I haven't read the whole thread but I don't think there's anything wrong with it. its your decision.
I will say that personally, that is not something I would do or have done with someone whom I was not in a serious relationship with and had no plans or hopes for marriage. guess I am kind of old fashioned too.0 -
What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.
You mean the God who hates gays, thinks it's ok that priests diddle boys, the God who will smote people just for fun or because they were "bad"?
Yeah, that's a guy I want to listen to.
To the OP: If you choose to abstain from sex before you get married then that's your choice and the more power to you.
I personally would not (and did not).0 -
What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.
There was a time when the word of god was pretty much treated as the law of the land. It was called the dark ages.
I would like to give you a high five0 -
What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.
There was a time when the word of god was pretty much treated as the law of the land. It was called the dark ages.
Not everyone who abstains does it for God. I'm not abstaining because teh bible tells me sex before marriage is a sin. I'm abstaining because I dont' want to give up a part of myself to someone unless I'm ready. I think that doing it because someone else, no matter WHO that someone else is, isn't true. It's a lot easier to just look at yourself in the mirror and say that you're not ready, and you don't know when you'll be ready, but when you find the right guy you'll know, than to say 'Well God told me so, which means I have to.' That's how my cousin looked at it and she was six months pregnant at her wedding, she was only eighteen almost nineteen at the time, and she always tells me she's glad she waited for the man she was in love with, she doesn't regret that, she regrets promising to stay a virgin because the bible said she had to.0
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