Absence Before Marriage

JessiBelleW

Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??

Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?

RunForChai

I know someone who did this and much later, heartbreak realized her husband was gay [he didn't realize he was gay when they married and loved her, just not in that way].
Like most other responders here, it is a personal choice and only you [and your partner] get to decide---BUT, I worry that your/or his expectations and understanding of sexuality may be unrealistic.

Good luck.

soldier4242

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

I didn't say just women. I fully mean this to apply to men, too.

So you're slut-shaming both men and women.......wonderful. :grumble:

Yeah, it's pretty low to compare your own body to a market commodity. Have some self respect. Your sexuality only deepens and enhances as you gain experience. Restricting that experience on the notion that you can "use up" your sexual value is a sick, twisted idea.

I was responding to the people who used the cars analogy, with another car analogy, to express how silly it is to think of people in terms of cars. It's cute how the analogy can be used to DEFEND anti-abstinence, but is ridiculed and attacked when it's put on the other foot and used to counter it, huh?

That's fair lets not get hung up on the analogy itself and look at the meaning that is actually being conveyed. In the first analogy where they say "test drive the car" they are trying to say that the reason they don't go the abstinence route is because they want to know what they are getting in to.

Now lets look at your analogy where you say "the car loses value the second it is driven off the lot." You are saying that the act of having sex cheapens a person. Yet somehow it doesn't cheapen the person if you are married? I can't say that makes sense to me personally because if sex cheapens a person then why would marriage magically change that. Either way for the sake of progressing the conversation we will just grant you that.

Lets look at what you are saying here. You are blatantly telling me that I am cheap because I had sex before marriage. You are telling me that my wife is cheap as well. Surely you don't have much respect for our marriage either since it was just a couple of cheap people getting together.

What you are saying comes across as very judgmental. You think you are better than me and my wife because you didn't have sex before you got married assuming you are married or you think you are better because you are still a virgin. I don't know if you realize that is what you are saying when you say we are cheapened but it is. When you say something is cheapened you are saying it has lost value. You haven't lost value and I have. I don't accept that as true.

CorvusCorax77

absence.

haha.

micheabr

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?

Or would you feel like that was an admirable thing to do?

Our culture is different then it use to be around that topic, but since no one seems to talk about abstaining from it, I wanted to see what others thought.

I think of it as a gift before the person I choose to marry; but I know from experience several guys who are put off by the idea. Maybe I am old fashioned, but it's not like I go and tell others who choose not to go that way that what they're doing is wrong. It's their choice, this one has been mine.

I'm in the same boat. Although I just choose to go for people with the same values too make life easier for myself.

DalekBrittany

Bwahahahaha. Ask my fiance what he thinks of that! :laugh:

dennik15

Being married for 5 years really makes you aware of the importance of sex in a relationship. It isn't just about denying yourself simple pleasures, but rather insight in to how well you relate to your partner. I know that when our sex life dwindles so does our relationship. If we didn't have that sexual compatibility we wouldn't have much of a marriage.

While I completely agree that sex is an important part of marriage, it certainly shouldn't define it. If not having it means your marriage is tanking, there are bigger issues. I've been married 18 years and never once thought that our marriage was in danger because we weren't having sex enough.

Oh, and to answer the OP...I didn't abstain before marriage, but my husband is the only man I've been with. You should do what you're comfortable with and not let anyone else define your moral compass.

krithsai

In before the lock...

Best comment. You've evidently been here long enough

mommy3457

Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??

Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?

No, of course their sex, intimacy, etc. would not be any less meaningful. I can say that my husband is the man I was created to be with, but if something happened and he died, I am free to remarry. And, I'd love that person with just as much love. Although, I am not sure if I'd ever remarry personally. That is not to say one can't. If I truly love someone then I will trust them as it says in that definition of love I gave before. Thank you for asking.

mammakisses

I rather know if he's any good.

VanCityFit

It's not for me, I embrace my body and my hormones. My husband and I waited for a while but it wasn't by choice...we were stuck in other countries and I was pregnant when we got married. I think maintaining a healthy sex life is important for a relationship.

For those who say they are old fashioned and born to another time period, lets not forget that it was common and socially acceptable to have mistresses in the early 20th century. Some how people miss that. I would rather be a good partner for my husband so he would never have to think twice about going astray.

Achrya

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?

Or would you feel like that was an admirable thing to do?

My thoughts? If it works for you, groovy. If not, also groovy.

No, I probably wouldn't date a man who wouldn't give it up before marriage. I'm all for waiting to get to know each other and taking time (I've got a 120 day rule, after all) but I'm not going to pledge my life to you and not know about the goods.

It's no more or less admirable than any other sexual choice.

ladymiseryali

I rather know if he's any good.

Exactly. It would suck to marry someone and realize they don't know anything about the opposite sex's genitalia.

cwolfman13

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?...........

Sexual compatibility is important to me...no way I would ever marry anyone without sex first. I dated plenty of girls in the past who were great, until we hit the sack...no sexual compatibility. It's important...and I'm not religious. Also, sex is just sex...there are far more intimate things in a relationship, especially a marriage.

CorvusCorax77

I don't think that sex is morally wrong, and I feel sorry for people who do. I don't think that the meaning of life, if any, is that the person who denies themselves the most pleasure wins at the end.

I think this comment projects far too much onto OP and to others who may feel like OP.

This is probably waaaay way waaaay TMI for something that will come up on google, but ...honestly...I don't like it if I'm not totally smitten with the person I am with. And I'm super super super picky...so I don't get smitten all that easily. If I were to go a super long time without having those warm fuzzy feelings about someone, I'm not feeling like I'm "denying myself pleasure" or that "sex is morally wrong." To force myself to do it to keep up with some weird expectation that I be sexually active regardless of how I feel about it would be unpleasurable for me. I would have a much better time doing something else.

That being said, when I am smitten with someone, they better have some stamina!

FussyFruitbat

Do I still need to be abstinent if I never want to get married?

Mustang_Susie

Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??

Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?

Good question.
Some have already alluded to the answer.
If there has been a difficult divorce situation, I believe God can restore that intimacy and trust between the new husband and wife by healing past hurts.
Following the death of a spouse, I believe God could help the widow/widower deal with the grief and move on to a place where that person would be emotionally ready to marry again.

To clarify, I was more referring to those who chose to have sex with no real desire for commitment and marriage.
In essence, they're just using the other person to gratify a physical need rather than wanting to develop a true relationship which takes time, patience and mutual respect.

On that vein, I had read where many posters have replied by "trying out" a potential mate to see if they're "any good" for them.
That's selfish.
Marriage isn't all about me, my wants, my satisfaction.
It's about wanting what is best for the other person.
It's about life not always being rosy, about irritations, about annoyances.
And most importantly, it's about how you allow those less than ideal circumstances to build your character and become a better person.
The selfless person God created you to be.

mommy3457

Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??

Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?

Good question.
Some have already alluded to the answer.
If there has been a difficult divorce situation, I believe God can restore that intimacy and trust between the new husband and wife by healing past hurts.
Following the death of a spouse, I believe God could help the widow/widower deal with the grief and move on to a place where that person would be emotionally ready to marry again.

To clarify, I was more referring to those who chose to have sex with no real desire for commitment and marriage.
In essence, they're just using the other person to gratify a physical need rather than wanting to develop a true relationship which takes time, patience and mutual respect.

On that vein, I had read where many posters have replied by "trying out" a potential mate to see if they're "any good" for them.
That's selfish.
Marriage isn't all about me, my wants, my satisfaction.
It's about wanting what is best for the other person.
It's about life not always being rosy, about irritations, about annoyances.
And most importantly, it's about how you allow those less than ideal circumstances to build your character and become a better person.
The selfless person God created you to be.

I know I may be one of the few people on here who agrees so I will just say yes and yes. Love is selfless.

Rosplosion

I prefer a blank slate so I can train them and mold them into my loveslave.

soldier4242

Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??

Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?

No, of course their sex, intimacy, etc. would not be any less meaningful. I can say that my husband is the man I was created to be with, but if something happened and he died, I am free to remarry. And, I'd love that person with just as much love. Although, I am not sure if I'd ever remarry personally. That is not to say one can't. If I truly love someone then I will trust them as it says in that definition of love I gave before. Thank you for asking.

If it is your personal preference to only have sex to someone you are married to because you think that there is a god and that is something your god is very interested in that is fine for you.

That concept will not fly with me because I don't think that there is an actual god out there and even if there were one I would be highly disappointed if a being of such scope would concern itself with such trivial matters as who I had sex with and when.

That does not mean that I think the act of sex is meaningless. I have had many sexual encounters in my life some were one on one and some were threesomes but none of them were cheap. They were very important meaningful and treasured experiences that I would not change any of them. I have no regrets and I still care about and respect each and every one of them. Ironically the one exception to that is my ex-wife who I did actually wait to have sex with until after we got married.

The point is just because you have an opinion about what makes a relationship meaningful or what makes sex meaningful don't forget that it is an opinion. It isn't an objective truth that is true for everyone.