Absence Before Marriage

KatrinaWilke

Hell no! I would not date anyone who was into abstinence. That may well be because I'm 46, divorced and am not planning on getting married again. Marriage might happen one day, but I'm not going to rush it. In the meantime, I plan on living, and sex is a healthy, natural part of a relationship. Luckily, my girlfriend agrees with me ;-)

I tell my children (a boy and 2 girls) that it is OK for them to have sex before they get married if they want to, although I do hope they wait at least until they are really sure they want to. I insist they use birth control! Abstinence-only sex education is the primary cause of unwanted pregnancy and abortions.

If you want to "save yourself" that's fine. Do what you want. But I'm probably never going to see abstinence as something virtuous or noble.

Well said!! I was raised by parents who taught abstinence and personally understand the consequences...

devil_in_a_blue_dress

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

I didn't say just women. I fully mean this to apply to men, too.

So you're slut-shaming both men and women.......wonderful. :grumble:

Thanks for the personal attack, but no. If you had bothered to read my original post without running your mouth first, you'd have seen that I specifically said I did NOT judge anyone for doing it differently. And seeing as neither my husband nor I were virgins when we married, I can't very well "slut-shame" (whatever that even means, anyway) anyone without calling myself a slut.

But yay for attacking people who believe differently from you! It's nice to know that it's not just Christians who do it! :flowerforyou: :noway:

Not attacking you. Just going by what you said. You said that sex before marriage cheapens, which sounds like you're saying that those who don't wait are cheap, which is another term for "slut". So don't get mad that I came to this conclusion based on your own words. If that's not what you meant, then you should have worded your post more carefully.

No, in this case I chose my words carefully and I do not wish to reword them. I said "cheapen" as in it cheapens the experience, not the person. If you were less defensive toward people who live different lifestyles you might not have jumped to such a harsh conclusion. I always do my best to not assume the worst of people, but hey, that's just me. You have a nice day, now.

Um, nothing in my past has cheapened the experiences I have with my husband. No experiences with my husband make me regret the past. Your arbitrary theories about sex aren't applicable to anyone outside of yourself.

ladymiseryali

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

I didn't say just women. I fully mean this to apply to men, too.

So you're slut-shaming both men and women.......wonderful. :grumble:

Thanks for the personal attack, but no. If you had bothered to read my original post without running your mouth first, you'd have seen that I specifically said I did NOT judge anyone for doing it differently. And seeing as neither my husband nor I were virgins when we married, I can't very well "slut-shame" (whatever that even means, anyway) anyone without calling myself a slut.

But yay for attacking people who believe differently from you! It's nice to know that it's not just Christians who do it! :flowerforyou: :noway:

Not attacking you. Just going by what you said. You said that sex before marriage cheapens, which sounds like you're saying that those who don't wait are cheap, which is another term for "slut". So don't get mad that I came to this conclusion based on your own words. If that's not what you meant, then you should have worded your post more carefully.

No, in this case I chose my words carefully and I do not wish to reword them. I said "cheapen" as in it cheapens the experience, not the person. If you were less defensive toward people who live different lifestyles you might not have jumped to such a harsh conclusion. I always do my best to not assume the worst of people, but hey, that's just me. You have a nice day, now.

Um, nothing in my past has cheapened the experiences I have with my husband. No experiences with my husband make me regret the past. Your arbitrary theories about sex aren't applicable to anyone outside of yourself.

Thanks for explaining it better than I would be able to. I don't think my experiences have cheapened the experience I now have with my fiance. Practice makes nearly perfect

TheRunningGuppy

My husband and I waited. I was 20, he was 21 when we got married. We'd been dating/engaged for 2 years. Yes it was hard to wait, and there were a couple times we came very close to not waiting, but we respected each other enough to not go through with it. Our 13th anniversary is coming up on Monday. And I have to say that yes, sex was awkward and a bit uncomfortable at first, but it got better. In fact, these days it's pretty mind blowing, awesome, and totally amazing!

My reason for choosing abstinence, which I explained to my husband before we started dating, was my older sister got pregnant as a teenager, and I saw how hard it was for her, and I knew I did not want that for myself. As much as I love my sister & nephew, it just wasn't for me (BTW, she's happily married with 3 kids and my nephew is 21! Holy cow, how did that happen???)

Also, I happen to be a Christian. Some of you may say I'm just being religious, but that wasn't my main motivator in my actions. The above story was, although my faith also played a part.

KatrinaWilke

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

I did not abstain from sex before marriage. I like sex.

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?

My husband was a virgin when I married him. But we did elope after two weeks of dating....I don't think he wanted to wait any longer!

Or would you feel like that was an admirable thing to do?

I do not admire anyone for abstaining, but I do not judge them either. It's your choice.

firstsip

I feel you should know the person before you marry them. But I HAVE heard of very loving mail-order brides.

redheaddee

In before the lock...

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Sex in and of itself is not "morally wrong".

I believe God designed it as a special gift between a husband and wife.
It is the most intimate part of your relationship.

When you wait you are demonstrating a selfless type of love that says, I love you so much that I am willing to deny myself in order to do what is best for you and our marriage.
It is the highest level of respect you can give someone.

I don't see it as a restriction but rather as a protection from a loving God.
He wants the very best for people and knows that more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner.

As somebody with many sexual partners, I have felt no great intimacy emotionally or physically than with my husband. That is why he is my husband. I don't think this bond would have been in anyway intensified had either of us been virgins. I have in no way disrespected my husband or our marriage. Our marriage is no less than the marriage of two virgins.

mommy3457

Sex in and of itself is not "morally wrong".

I believe God designed it as a special gift between a husband and wife.
It is the most intimate part of your relationship.

When you wait you are demonstrating a selfless type of love that says, I love you so much that I am willing to deny myself in order to do what is best for you and our marriage.
It is the highest level of respect you can give someone.

I don't see it as a restriction but rather as a protection from a loving God.
He wants the very best for people and knows that more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner.

I believe this very much so. As a Christian, I waited to have sex before I became married. I do not think people should not marry someone just because they had sex before they were married. Grace comes from God for us to give to others.

mandylgibbs

Being married for 5 years really makes you aware of the importance of sex in a relationship. It isn't just about denying yourself simple pleasures, but rather insight in to how well you relate to your partner. I know that when our sex life dwindles so does our relationship. If we didn't have that sexual compatibility we wouldn't have much of a marriage.

jennyrebekka

Gotta test drive that car first, if the engine has too many miles on it just thank the salesman for the ride and move on to another vehicle.

Yeah, or once you do get married, if the car has problems shifting gears i guess you should just move on and get another car - one with an automatic transmission..?

bio01979

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

I did not abstain from sex before marriage. I like sex.

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?

My husband was a virgin when I married him. But we did elope after two weeks of dating....I don't think he wanted to wait any longer!

Or would you feel like that was an admirable thing to do?

I do not admire anyone for abstaining, but I do not judge them either. It's your choice.

this!

I don't admire or judge anyone for abstaining, nor do I admire or judge anyone for not abstaining. It is a personal choice. To each their own.

I don't view sex in terms of "morality". I do not believe it is morally right to abstain nor is it morally wrong to not abstain.

Have sex when you are ready and ONLY when you are ready - whether that is before marriage or not will depend on you

for me it was definitely before ;P

highmaintnance

I, personally, couldn't and didn't abstain before marriage. I have no opinions on people who do. I just hope the sex is good for them!

TheStephil

I wouldn't buy a car before testing driving it.
I wouldn't buy a house without looking inside.
I wouldn't marry someone before findong out if that aspect of the relationship is good.

bio01979

Being married for 5 years really makes you aware of the importance of sex in a relationship. It isn't just about denying yourself simple pleasures, but rather insight in to how well you relate to your partner. I know that when our sex life dwindles so does our relationship. If we didn't have that sexual compatibility we wouldn't have much of a marriage.

lol even my 90yr old grandma who will be married 70 years next year says that sex is important in a marriage. she may have waited (very different times then) but she has no issue with the fact that none of her many grandchildren waited

Mustang_Susie

So far I have seen no regret expressed by any who abstained before marriage.
Any dissenters?

meredithkrueger

Sex in and of itself is not "morally wrong".

I believe God designed it as a special gift between a husband and wife.
It is the most intimate part of your relationship.

When you wait you are demonstrating a selfless type of love that says, I love you so much that I am willing to deny myself in order to do what is best for you and our marriage.
It is the highest level of respect you can give someone.

I don't see it as a restriction but rather as a protection from a loving God.


Amen! I TOTALLY agree.
He wants the very best for people and knows that more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner.

pnuthaymama

I have to agree with Mustang_Susie when she said that sex was a gift from God for a married couple. My husband and I waited 4 1/2 years until we married. He has always been my best friend. We've been happily married now for 31 years. Sex in and of itself is not the usual reason a couple has problems. It usually comes down to lack of communication in various parts of their life together. Whether it's lack of communication in how you spend your money, how you raise your children, how you treat each other and other people, etc... the normal 'stressers in life!

If a person chooses to "wait" and then find they need to work on the sex life, then good communication (being able to talk about anything and everything) will ultimately fix the 'problem'. Many other people in my life have chosen the less restrictive path. I haven't seen that their "test driving" marriage BEFORE marriage made their relationship better (which is supposed to be the reason for the test drive, right). I've actually observed that their life in general doesn't appear to be as close as it could be. Most tend to take each other for granted because they don't hold anything (including their sex life) as special and/or precious.

But hey, this is just my opinion. I tend to try to live my life according to the ultimate road map (the Bible). I've always found that it's always easier in the end because I don't have to backtrack and get something in my life fixed!

holothuroidea

So far I have seen no regret expressed by any who abstained before marriage.
Any dissenters?

Wow, confirmation bias much? Re-read the thread.

mommy3457

Gotta test drive that car first, if the engine has too many miles on it just thank the salesman for the ride and move on to another vehicle.

Yeah, or once you do get married, if the car has problems shifting gears i guess you should just move on and get another car - one with an automatic transmission..?

I'm not 100% sure how you said what you said, but I think it shows one of the problems with society today. Sex has become the relationship rather than the commitment and love. Self-interest has overtaken love in relationships nowadays. They say, "What can I get from this person?" rather than "I love you with selfless love." There is no better definition of love than this.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13"4-7