Tell me a joke! :D

Motorsheen

iMago wrote: »

a duck walks into a bar. he orders a beer and tells the bartender, "put it on my bill".

the bartender stares at him. the duck, with a smile, repeats "i said put it on my bill"

the bartender, realizing something is amiss within this reality, wakes from the dream he's been experiencing.
he turns over to tell his wife about the strange dream he just had.
she pretends to remain asleep as he gently shakes her by the shoulder.

the bartender rolls back over and cries himself softly back to sleep as he laments his failing marriage.

Ducks love this joke.....

babygurl48

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"


"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!

babygurl48

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers?

lorri71

I keep shouting out broccolli and cauliflower in public, I think I have florettes.....

queen4evr125

Why did the chicken go to KFC? Because it wanted to see chicken strip !!!😎🤑🤗🥳😜

cee134

What do you call a lame person who has telepathy?
Telepathetic

lauragreenbaum

A guy walks into a bar and sits next to a giant grasshopper. He says, "Hey! Did you know they named a drink after you?" And the grasshopper responds, "They named a drink 'Kevin'?"