Online dating. WTH!

Ed98043

Most people (not a gender exclusive issue) lie to some degree when it comes to appearing attractive. if you're a male and not 6 foot tall, lie about it. That is unless you're really short, then just up it by two inches. Height is an attractive quality to women.

But why lie about something that's going to be so obviously a lie if you ever meet? For the record, I'm 5'7" and just prefer that the guy be taller than me so I'm not ruling anyone out if they're not 6'. But I *would* rule them out if they're a liar.

As for people who use old photos or underplay their body size, often times it's because they don't think they're being deceptive at all. They might look at a 10 year-old photo of themselves and think "Yep, I look like that". There was a study proving that people's self-image is usually "set" at a certain point and doesn't really change with time. Look at how many people on this site say they had an "OMG I'm fat!" moment when they saw a photo of themselves. These are people who have functioning eyeballs and look in mirrors on a regular basis, yet they just don't see the way they really look. And pretty much everyone thinks they look younger than they really do. Just last week my mother told me how insulted and hurt she was when someone cheered "Go granny!" when she was driving a go-cart...she's 70 but doesn't see herself as looking like a granny (she does, not that I would tell her that). Self-perception is a funny and complicated thing. It works both ways with weight, too - people who used to be fat often have a hard time seeing themselves as slim after they lose weight.

HOWEVER - the way someone thinks they look is subjective, but height and age are not subjective numbers. If you put the wrong number in knowing it's wrong, you're just a liar.

Mrsallypants

I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Are you telling me you'd be happy with a woman who doesn't work, has no career prospects and little money? Are you genuinely able to say "I don't care"? Most men can't - I know. I've been ill for a long, long time and my illness has pushed people away online and offline. I am not a "desirable" person to be with, basically. I DO agree that SOME women will look for those attributes but I also know that MEN look for certain parameters too, so it's not one sided.

I'd prefer if she worked so we could both live independent lives, but as far as career prospects and money goes, not too concerned. I'm more concerned with the person, not their money or career prospects. I've dated doctors before and had nothing in common with them. I'd rather date a waitress at Denny's than a doctor because prestige, wealth, career prospects don't mean that much to me.

Sometimes she may not have a job either because of a bad economy, so not having a job doesn't disqualify her either, especially if she is hot. haha.

On what dating sites do females initiate the conversation on a normal basis? I've never seen it and I've used many different types of dating profiles.

rml_16

No, most of them are not gold diggers, but at a certain age they get into family building mode and "my biological clock is ticking" mode and begin to look for men who can provide with their resources.

Poor generalisation is poor - again.

Yep

I'm at that "certain age." All my friends are having babies. I had my tubes tied last year.

I still want potential relationship prospects to have jobs.

Mrsallypants

No, most of them are not gold diggers, but at a certain age they get into family building mode and "my biological clock is ticking" mode and begin to look for men who can provide with their resources.

Poor generalisation is poor - again.

What dating site do you use?

glovepuppet

ha! i totally get the smell thing. a guy has to smell right.
a canadian flew over to meet me last year and i had him mail a worn t-shirt in advance, just to make sure.

Wait what? dirty shirt?

yes! poor guy was seriously self conscious about that.
but he smelled yummy, so everything was fine.

Now I want to know what happened? was the guy who flew over to meet you fantastic?

Yes! He's lovely. Charming, attractive, fun and twisted in all the right ways.
He'll make a lucky woman very happy some day.

SteveJWatson

No, most of them are not gold diggers, but at a certain age they get into family building mode and "my biological clock is ticking" mode and begin to look for men who can provide with their resources.

Poor generalisation is poor - again.

What dating site do you use?

None. I have a feeling that my wife would have slight issues if I did. :bigsmile:

However, I have been on actual dates with actual people, you know, prior to getting married and you can't put the entire of one gender into a "wants this out of life" box.

glovepuppet

No, most of them are not gold diggers, but at a certain age they get into family building mode and "my biological clock is ticking" mode and begin to look for men who can provide with their resources.

Poor generalisation is poor - again.

Yep

I'm at that "certain age." All my friends are having babies. I had my tubes tied last year.

I still want potential relationship prospects to have jobs.

I've dated men who were between jobs. These are tough times and it happens, and not just to losers.

whierd

No, most of them are not gold diggers, but at a certain age they get into family building mode and "my biological clock is ticking" mode and begin to look for men who can provide with their resources.

Poor generalisation is poor - again.

Yep

I'm at that "certain age." All my friends are having babies. I had my tubes tied last year.

I still want potential relationship prospects to have jobs.

I've dated men who were between jobs. These are tough times and it happens, and not just to losers.

I would argue that they should be more focused on the financial/career aspect of their life if they are between jobs rather than being concerned about their romantic life.

Mrsallypants

Most people (not a gender exclusive issue) lie to some degree when it comes to appearing attractive. if you're a male and not 6 foot tall, lie about it. That is unless you're really short, then just up it by two inches. Height is an attractive quality to women.

But why lie about something that's going to be so obviously a lie if you ever meet? For the record, I'm 5'7" and just prefer that the guy be taller than me so I'm not ruling anyone out if they're not 6'. But I *would* rule them out if they're a liar.

As for people who use old photos or underplay their body size, often times it's because they don't think they're being deceptive at all. They might look at a 10 year-old photo of themselves and think "Yep, I look like that". There was a study proving that people's self-image is usually "set" at a certain point and doesn't really change with time. Look at how many people on this site say they had an "OMG I'm fat!" moment when they saw a photo of themselves. These are people who have functioning eyeballs and look in mirrors on a regular basis, yet they just don't see the way they really look. And pretty much everyone thinks they look younger than they really do. Just last week my mother told me how insulted and hurt she was when someone cheered "Go granny!" when she was driving a go-cart...she's 70 but doesn't see herself as looking like a granny (she does, not that I would tell her that). Self-perception is a funny and complicated thing. It works both ways with weight, too - people who used to be fat often have a hard time seeing themselves as slim after they lose weight.

HOWEVER - the way someone thinks they look is subjective, but height and age are not subjective numbers. If you put the wrong number in knowing it's wrong, you're just a liar.

Wear shoe inserts if you're a guy. The average height for a man is about 5'9, so shoe inserts can add 2-3 inches. Don't take your shoes off until the deed is done, then the balance of power sways in your direction. How Machiavellian I know, but dating websites are anomalies where you can be instantly disqualified for the most superficial reasons due to the availability of so many men.

Women always lie about their age, weight, and number of sex partners, but I understand because people judge her for those things, but people judge men too, and height (and age, he is must be 2.5 years older and no more!) is one of those things.

People who use old photos are using deception to generate attraction, but to protect their ego (I'm not a liar!) they will justify it as something else.

SteveJWatson

I would argue that they should be more focused on the financial/career aspect of their life if they are between jobs rather than being concerned about their romantic life.

Firstly, you can meet someone you like whatever else is going on in your life. Who knows, it could be the girl that works in the Job Centre.

Secondly - You can't spend 100% of your time looking for work if you are out of work, you'd go crazy. Jobs aint that easy to come by at the moment and to put your life on hold because of economics is odd, to say the least.

Goddessmaker1

Yea I do put what I'm seeking and still got douche bag types who are just looking to fornicate. There are lot of poser ie married men playing as single. I think again one shouldn't be there if they aren't serious. I have wasted a many of good dates,dresses and time into something that wasn't real. It's really not a nice thing. To me again if your looking for something just to do ie sex or nothing serious then being a dating site and then say your seeking something more is wrong. I forgot this site has alot more liberal folks here which isn't bad but not my pov.

Mrsallypants

No, most of them are not gold diggers, but at a certain age they get into family building mode and "my biological clock is ticking" mode and begin to look for men who can provide with their resources.

Poor generalisation is poor - again.

What dating site do you use?

None. I have a feeling that my wife would have slight issues if I did. :bigsmile:

However, I have been on actual dates with actual people, you know, prior to getting married and you can't put the entire of one gender into a "wants this out of life" box.

There are statistical patterns in behavior such as girls like pink more than boys, but it doesn't apply to all members of a group, just a significant majority. There are good generalizations and hasty ones, and then there are stereotypes which are bad generalizations.

whierd

I would argue that they should be more focused on the financial/career aspect of their life if they are between jobs rather than being concerned about their romantic life.

Firstly, you can meet someone you like whatever else is going on in your life. Who knows, it could be the girl that works in the Job Centre.

Secondly - You can't spend 100% of your time looking for work if you are out of work, you'd go crazy. Jobs aint that easy to come by at the moment and to put your life on hold because of economics is odd, to say the least.

1. You could, but I wouldn't recommend actively seeking someone when unemployed.

2. 100%? Of course not, you have to eat, sleep, etc. But the bulk of your waking time should be spent on looking for work. The fact that they aren't easy to come by means you need to be looking pretty damn hard and being unemployed DOES put your life on hold.

glovepuppet

No, most of them are not gold diggers, but at a certain age they get into family building mode and "my biological clock is ticking" mode and begin to look for men who can provide with their resources.

Poor generalisation is poor - again.

Yep

I'm at that "certain age." All my friends are having babies. I had my tubes tied last year.

I still want potential relationship prospects to have jobs.

I've dated men who were between jobs. These are tough times and it happens, and not just to losers.

I would argue that they should be more focused on the financial/career aspect of their life if they are between jobs rather than being concerned about their romantic life.

I would argue that nobody could job hunt 24/7 and remain sane. Even poor people need social interraction and time to unwind.

He certainly earns plenty now, so it worked out ok for him.

SteveJWatson

I would argue that nobody could job hunt 24/7 and remain sane. Even poor people need social interraction and time to unwind.

Surely not! Shouldn't they be busy trying to steal off richer people or something?

Delicate

I aint going for anyone that says 'doesnt do fatties' if they are a fatty themselves

I look after myself, i expect them to have the same consideration! nothing is more attractive than seeing someone deadlift with a nice backside you can spank.

And if you say you're about 6ft then you're smaller than me when im in my heels, you is a lying douche!

overcompensation for alot of things, plus wax, its or reduce hair, or i'm going au natural in the hair department.

mattschwartz01

by the way, what is wrong with someone being upfront about "actively seeking a relationship"?

I guess I just look at it as if it happens, it happens.

And actively seeking a relationship tells me you are going to try and force the issue and/or try to move things more quickly than they should move.

Not necessarily ... It could mean that the person is serious and not playing game

whierd

I aint going for anyone that says 'doesnt do fatties' if they are a fatty themselves

I look after myself, i expect them to have the same consideration! nothing is more attractive than seeing someone deadlift with a nice backside you can spank.

And if you say you're about 6ft then you're smaller than me when im in my heels, you is a lying douche!

overcompensation for alot of things, plus wax, its or reduce hair, or i'm going au natural in the hair department.

:laugh:

missybct

I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Are you telling me you'd be happy with a woman who doesn't work, has no career prospects and little money? Are you genuinely able to say "I don't care"? Most men can't - I know. I've been ill for a long, long time and my illness has pushed people away online and offline. I am not a "desirable" person to be with, basically. I DO agree that SOME women will look for those attributes but I also know that MEN look for certain parameters too, so it's not one sided.

I'd prefer if she worked so we could both live independent lives, but as far as career prospects and money goes, not too concerned. I'm more concerned with the person, not their money or career prospects. I've dated doctors before and had nothing in common with them. I'd rather date a waitress at Denny's than a doctor because prestige, wealth, career prospects don't mean that much to me.

Sometimes she may not have a job either because of a bad economy, so not having a job doesn't disqualify her either, especially if she is hot. haha.

On what dating sites do females initiate the conversation on a normal basis? I've never seen it and I've used many different types of dating profiles.

Yeah, but working = money, which is integral to life, really. Therefore, you stating that women are out to nest and are bothered by the amount of money a man earns at the same time as saying it's a "gender" issue is a bit hypocritical. If you were given two identical people, one with no money and one with £100k in the bank, you'd take the richer one because it's human nature. I'm not condemning or supporting women who do this because it's always been against my principles, but I think it's a slightly unfair statement to say we are, in the majority, looking to nest and get ourselves a fella with a good job.

The "if she's hot" comment was probably in jest, but if not - ugh, I'm not even going to bother.

I wouldn't say it was "normal" - I would say it occurs far more than you seem to experience.

My0WNinspiration

Just write "no fatties" on your profile.

i love it when people do that. it's as good as a flashing, neon, *kitten* alert.

Why do you get auto-tagged as a *kitten* for it? Aren't we all entitled to our physical attractions?

because more than half the time the dudes that do that are fairly chunktastic themselves

LOL chunk-tastic

smalls9686

Sounds like online dating isn't for you, especially since you're not okay with people being up front about what they want out of a relationship. Also because you seem to be completely focused on appearance and meeting up really quickly, rather than trying to get to know someone through their profile and chatting. Online dating is different than meeting people in more traditional places.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This

missybct

Also, can I just add to the "Women who only want men who are xxx height" -

I have a friend who is 45 years old. She has routinely been dismissed based on the fact she is 41 and she is out of the age range for some men. She lied on her profile as an experiment and found out that if she lowered her age to 39 (so a 2 year difference, and she could pass for 35) she had three times as much interest. It works both ways

Stump_Likker

I tried it as well and I stopped. I said that i was looking for dating, nothing serious. I was answered by guys who were looking for sex. Not into hookups. Also I stated that I am 5'8" and was looking for at least my height or taller. Nope, 5'5", 5'7". I can't date a guy shorter than me. Sorry.

Really just so many dishonest people. I am exactly what I say I am on my profile and state exactly what I'm looking for. The only things carved in stone were 1. height 2. no drugs 3. not just looking for sex.

One guy was nice. We went out three times. The first time he told me that I was "too good for him.' Who says that?! After three dates he asked me to be his girlfriend. Too soon I said. I didn't even know his last name. He told me that he makes great money and buys expensive Christmas presents. I showed him the door. Since then it's been liars and guys with fetishes. I'll go back to the old-fashioned way of meeting people.

smalls9686

by the way, what is wrong with someone being upfront about "actively seeking a relationship"?

I guess I just look at it as if it happens, it happens.

And actively seeking a relationship tells me you are going to try and force the issue and/or try to move things more quickly than they should move.

Dude, then don't write them!
WTH, online dating is no different than real-life dating except you can weed out people even quicker..you don't like what they say, or what they are looking for than move on to the next, what's the big deal. Seems you need to make your profile VERY specific about who you do and don't want. Like no one over 10 pounds over there ideal weight, nonsmoker, someone who isn't in a rush for marriage , someone not looking for a committed relationship, someone ONLY looking for fun and the possibly seeing where that may lead in the future, ect. if you are that specific you will naturally weed out you pool and your choices will be much smaller to choose from.....maybe let them come to you and you can spare yourself all the agony of reading and looking at all the dreadful profiles you don't want to see.

MyChocolateDiet

I would argue that they should be more focused on the financial/career aspect of their life if they are between jobs rather than being concerned about their romantic life.

Firstly, you can meet someone you like whatever else is going on in your life. Who knows, it could be the girl that works in the Job Centre.

Secondly - You can't spend 100% of your time looking for work if you are out of work, you'd go crazy. Jobs aint that easy to come by at the moment and to put your life on hold because of economics is odd, to say the least.

1. You could, but I wouldn't recommend actively seeking someone when unemployed.

2. 100%? Of course not, you have to eat, sleep, etc. But the bulk of your waking time should be spent on looking for work. The fact that they aren't easy to come by means you need to be looking pretty damn hard and being unemployed DOES put your life on hold.

Honestly with the way the economy has been so bad for so long. If I found myself in the uncomfortable and unlikely and unforeseen circumstance of being single again. I'd first get a job making sure I can hold down the fort, then seek a jobless male for a husband next time around. I love my current job having husband but I've paid my stay at home mom dues, and probably could find a job easier than some guys out there and wouldn't mind being someone's sugar momma at all. So if I were dating online, I'd just focus on personality traits and attraction as factors. Which is I think what men do usually so I see nothing wrong with that. I'd like him to be jobless so that we could spend more time together because I've liked the more amount of time spent together me and hubby have from my just simply being more available due to not having conflicting schedules. This lifestyle has made it's impression on me, and I'd continue it in the future. I'd try to be as generous, and organized and supportive and respectful as I've seen modeled through my husband.

glovepuppet

I tried it as well and I stopped. I said that i was looking for dating, nothing serious. I was answered by guys who were looking for sex. Not into hookups. Also I stated that I am 5'8" and was looking for at least my height or taller. Nope, 5'5", 5'7". I can't date a guy shorter than me. Sorry.

Really just so many dishonest people. I am exactly what I say I am on my profile and state exactly what I'm looking for. The only things carved in stone were 1. height 2. no drugs 3. not just looking for sex.

One guy was nice. We went out three times. The first time he told me that I was "too good for him.' Who says that?! After three dates he asked me to be his girlfriend. Too soon I said. I didn't even know his last name. He told me that he makes great money and buys expensive Christmas presents. I showed him the door. Since then it's been liars and guys with fetishes. I'll go back to the old-fashioned way of meeting people.

The expensive gifts thing is off putting, right? It places an unspoken burdon of expectation. a lot of people feel like you owe them something for it. I'm not for sale and i'd rather have a modest gift that came from the heart.

Stump_Likker

I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)

I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.

MyChocolateDiet

I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Are you telling me you'd be happy with a woman who doesn't work, has no career prospects and little money? Are you genuinely able to say "I don't care"? Most men can't - I know. I've been ill for a long, long time and my illness has pushed people away online and offline. I am not a "desirable" person to be with, basically. I DO agree that SOME women will look for those attributes but I also know that MEN look for certain parameters too, so it's not one sided.

When I was in this position, I was sought after. I did lose a fiance at the beginning of my illness who could not cope on many levels with my illness. Then the earth cracked open and the sky parted after I got over him, and the world was filled with men who COULD handle my set of circumstances at the time. Welcomed me with open arms. I had my pick. I picked well. YOU must not project your feelings onto the world around you or you will find exactly what you project. You MUST envision a person who will not only accept but WANT you the way you are and they will manifest. Give them the room to come into your life. They are out there. It's not only one. You must adjust yourself first though. To accept that person when he shows himself and to let yourself be who you currently are with no facades, or defenses based on your current discomfort with yourself. I had that and when I let that go and accepted my situation so did others. And then I understood myself better, and men.

LonLB

by the way, what is wrong with someone being upfront about "actively seeking a relationship"?

I guess I just look at it as if it happens, it happens.

And actively seeking a relationship tells me you are going to try and force the issue and/or try to move things more quickly than they should move.

Dude, then don't write them!
WTH, online dating is no different than real-life dating except you can weed out people even quicker..you don't like what they say, or what they are looking for than move on to the next, what's the big deal. Seems you need to make your profile VERY specific about who you do and don't want. Like no one over 10 pounds over there ideal weight, nonsmoker, someone who isn't in a rush for marriage , someone not looking for a committed relationship, someone ONLY looking for fun and the possibly seeing where that may lead in the future, ect. if you are that specific you will naturally weed out you pool and your choices will be much smaller to choose from.....maybe let them come to you and you can spare yourself all the agony of reading and looking at all the dreadful profiles you don't want to see.

Dude, I don't write them.

Stump_Likker

I tried it as well and I stopped. I said that i was looking for dating, nothing serious. I was answered by guys who were looking for sex. Not into hookups. Also I stated that I am 5'8" and was looking for at least my height or taller. Nope, 5'5", 5'7". I can't date a guy shorter than me. Sorry.

Really just so many dishonest people. I am exactly what I say I am on my profile and state exactly what I'm looking for. The only things carved in stone were 1. height 2. no drugs 3. not just looking for sex.

One guy was nice. We went out three times. The first time he told me that I was "too good for him.' Who says that?! After three dates he asked me to be his girlfriend. Too soon I said. I didn't even know his last name. He told me that he makes great money and buys expensive Christmas presents. I showed him the door. Since then it's been liars and guys with fetishes. I'll go back to the old-fashioned way of meeting people.

The expensive gifts thing is off putting, right? It places an unspoken burdon of expectation. a lot of people feel like you owe them something for it. I'm not for sale and i'd rather have a modest gift that came from the heart.

Exactly. I make very good money myself and the LAST thing I am is materialistic. Unfortunately many women (and men) are, and to them, money is all that matters.