Online dating. WTH!
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I think you would be better off just meeting people in person, in real life. That way you gravitate towards the women you find appealing, attractive and that you have chemistry with and like their personality (and whatever qualities attract you). And you can find out right away if they are also interested in you or not.
I also just wanted to quote this for all the people that say women care more about their hair then men do. See, for this guy hair color is a deciding factor. Btw, if a women has dyed her hair, she can dye it back again (or grow it out). Sometimes hair color is temporary.Or don't like the hair color.0 -
This is all terrible advice.
It's not pretty, but effective. Online dating for men is a long arduous war.0 -
Do you know how many times a reasonable attractive woman is approached for casual sex on dating websites? For me it was at least 2 time per day, everyday. Since I already has a friend who fulfilled my more causal needs, I also had a note about the type of the relationship I was looking for in my profile. It's difficult when you are a woman in your mid to late 20's - even early 30's -- many men that age aren't interested in a serious relationship, let alone considering marriage yet. If that's the place you WANT to be in, what is wrong with saying that's your goal and not a more casual situation?
As to the weight thing -- seriously, most men I know wouldn't choose "overweight" as a search criteria because it has a negative connotation, but a large portion of those men wouldn't actually mind dating a woman 30-50 pounds overweight. Women know this and mark their body type accordingly. I marked "curvy" and several men tell me I wasn't "curvy" because I wasn't "fat". Those dudes didn't get a shot. If you are looking for a particular build and that actually matters more than personality, it really is best to say that and let the people who are offended by that be offended. Or you could say something like "I am committed to living a healthy lifestyle and a seeking somebody with similar interests" and then mention MFP or something. Honestly, a woman who is say 5'4 and 75 pounds overweight probably wears a 14/16 which is pretty average these days. Average doesn't mean "healthy weight according to the BMI".0 -
i think i for the most part have given up on dating whilst on my weight loss journey. Dudes generally want the finished product, waiting around while someone works their *kitten* off (literally
is boring. as for the actively seeking I think for me personally at 28 my youngish wild bar hopping, party till dawn, serial dating days are over. Doesn't mean i am going to change my facebook status to in a relationship on the third date, and stalk your profile, just means that a real honest to goodness actual grown up relationship is something that would be taken seriously in the future. I dunno maybe my expectations are too high but if you find someone with the stubbornness to make serious life changes, they tend be the ones who stick by you during your own life struggles. ya that sounded f*cktasticly idealistically naive even to me lmao but hey one can hope.
I wouldn't give up on dating until your the "finished product" why would you want a guy who only wanted you because you were skinny anyways? Believe it or not there are plenty of guys (the decent ones) that arn't superficial
And this way when you are the "finished product" you gave the right guy some serious eye candy who actually deserves it 
I agree with both of you, however I, too, have given up on online dating whilst I'm on my weightloss journey. This is for a couple of reasons. Predominantly, it's down to insecurity - I personally want to be 'the finished product', or as close to it as possible, before I put myself out there again. It's not because I think guys will only want me when I'm skinny and I want to change myself for them - it's because I will feel much better about getting close to someone when I feel a lot less insecure about my weight. All the relationships I've had whilst I've been overweight have resulted in me pushing the guy away because I'm just not comfortable with myself.
I'm not one for putting up full body shots, and if I do it's usually a cleverly angled one so that I don't look like a beached whale. I always select the heavier weight options, but a lot of the time guys ignore it and comment on how I don't look that overweight in my pictures. It's just human nature to want to put up pics of you at your best, and not ones of you slobbing out on the sofa in a onesie, eating chocolate buttons... This always leads to me having to try to convince the guy that I really AM quite overweight, despite my cleverly concealed photos. Then instantly, the conversation and focus is on weight and I just can't stand it. I don't want to have to focus on weight in every aspect of my life, so that's why I don't want to go back to dating websites while I'm still not happy with myself.
I also find that when I have to specify my weight it attracts a lot of men who are BBW fetishists, and I am so unbelievably turned off by that. There is nothing wrong with having a preference for someone who is larger - but when my weight is the SOLE reason for a guy interacting with me it makes me feel disgusting. So that is the other reason why I am taking a break from dating websites until I have lost weight - I'd rather be able to honestly tick the 'average' or 'toned' box and not have to deal with people who only want me because I'm a 'fatty'... :S
To the OP - the getting too attached too quickly thing is something that really puts me off dating websites! Especially when I log in, have a quick read of any mail I've received, then rush off to participate in life. Then I come back to a barrage of emails along the lines of 'I saw you read my message, WHERE'S MY REPLY?!!!' Ahh, leave me alone!
It's completely understandable that you get frustrated when people are not entirely truthful about their weight on dating websites. At the end of the day, physical attraction is important in any relationship whether people like to admit it or not. Of course personality is key, but if there's not even the slightest bit of attraction then in my opinion it isn't a relationship that can easily be sustained. The one thing I'd commend you for is having a preference, but not wanting to be rude about the people who don't fit that preference. The amount of times I see 'no fatties' or something equally derogatory on peoples profiles is ridiculous - by all means have a type, but there's no need to be rude to others. It says a lot about a person's character, and I personally would never interact with someone who had slated anyone else on their profile.
Online dating is a bit hit and miss in my opinion. Some lucky people have amazingly beautiful stories to tell about how they met their other half through internet dating... and the rest of us just have to contend with the creeps, liars and utter weirdos... :P0 -
Ah sorry, I wasn't aware I'd written an essay!!0
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That was just an example of how I've narrowed down results ridiculously.
I actually don't care about hair color.
There have been a few who were University of Michigan fans that I ruled out for that reason only though. :laugh:
And just so everyone doesn't think I'm some douche who only cares about looks that isn't the case. In fact one of my issues with it is that what I DO find attractive just isn't going to come out when talking online.
attitude/confidence/sense of humor.....It can come out somewhat I guess but not like in person.0 -
Online dating is difficult. You have to take really good pictures, if you're unattractive get a great haircut and wear a tailored midnight navy suit with great tie and shirt, at least you can look well groomed and stylish which are attractive qualities. Then again, you could low carb for a days, then do a carb load day, work out, get a great super pump and take a photo immediately after that. Take photos with male friends doing normal things to appear normal so you can get past the "creepy filter." Moreover, take photos with women and post them, but crop the women out of the photos save only a little bit of her - you don't want to appear like a player or try hard, but you also don't want to appear womanless, so crop her out, but not all of her.
For someone who finds it "difficult" to online date, you sure have an in-depth analysis of how to appear. Maybe that is why you find it difficult? It all seems a little bit too....forced because you are trying too hard with how your profile comes across? Or maybe you are being sarcastic....Still, you'll have to message, message, message if you're a guy. You may get a 5 to 10% response rate, but in a week or two you should have a few women that you're talking to on a daily basis and can transition to the real word (if they're not psycho or the type that plans on never meeting and likes wasting your time).
Hmm. I disagree. I've online dated before and I'm quite happy to write messages to guys I think would suit me. I think there are a minority that feel the traditional sense of guy chasing a girl, but most are happy to reach out.Just don't let your horniness get the best of you and send her a response in a millisecond. When a man and woman first meet, it is usually the man who can become clingy, but after they had sex and dated for a month she is one that becomes clingy.
Priceless. Do you write for Glamour? You really should. This is such utter stereotypical horse****.Don't mention how much you make on your profile, but she will probe you for what you do for a living to see if you're a big fish - make her work for this information, if she probes a little too enthusiastically, lie to her about your profession (indirectly stating how much money you make).
Hilarious! I forget men aren't motivated by money and women are all gold diggers. Again, stereotypical. Yes, some are out for the big bucks. Most are only out for someone they click with.Lie about your height if you're a male. Women have an obsession with height, the magical number is 6'0 foot tall, if you're under that, lie and say you are that tall. When you meet, wear shoe inserts. It's a white lie, women lie about their age, weight, and so on.
No seriously, write for Glamour. Your fodder is brilliantly in tune with the gash they print. Most guys DO lie about their height anyway, and the only reason women get funny about it online is because they are being LIED to. In the same way you guys get your knickers in a twist if your perception of "curvy" or "overweight" differ.0 -
That was just an example of how I've narrowed down results ridiculously.
I actually don't care about hair color.
There have been a few who were University of Michigan fans that I ruled out for that reason only though. :laugh:
And just so everyone doesn't think I'm some douche who only cares about looks that isn't the case. In fact one of my issues with it is that what I DO find attractive just isn't going to come out when talking online.
attitude/confidence/sense of humor.....It can come out somewhat I guess but not like in person.
Yeah, I think online dating must be difficult. I can't imagine it, honestly.0 -
It's nice to hear from the male side of things your issues on dating online. Most dudes are lame and are wanting the world but aren't their themselves. I can't stand posers nor people who aren't really looking. If you aren't seriously seeking something then go to a bar and go get a hook up there. Leave things for folks who are wanting to be in a relationship with the purpose of long term. I cut off all my online dating profiles as being a fattie as some here like to call us is just horrid. One would think personality,striving to be better and being cute as heck would be ok but apparently not.0
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Don't think I'd like online dating. Like after chatting online for a while I'm sure ud build them up to be something different to what they actually are. Like the way ud want them to be is the way that u picture them. And them when u meet they wouldn't be that person...unless you're lucky.0
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yes, you absolutely have the right to dictate how everyone else chooses to date. that's completely reasonable.I can't stand posers nor people who aren't really looking. If you aren't seriously seeking something then go.0 -
There are so many things missing with online dating. You can't see body language, hear tone of voice, see how the person behaves around people -- all very subtle things you notice about someone even watching from the other side of a bar or whatever. It's so easy to just dismiss someone online that in person you might be very attracted to in another situation. You go in with a list of what you want and don't want and dismiss people based on whether they fit or on a photo that might not even be very accurate (I am SO not photogenic!).That was just an example of how I've narrowed down results ridiculously.
I actually don't care about hair color.
There have been a few who were University of Michigan fans that I ruled out for that reason only though. :laugh:
And just so everyone doesn't think I'm some douche who only cares about looks that isn't the case. In fact one of my issues with it is that what I DO find attractive just isn't going to come out when talking online.
attitude/confidence/sense of humor.....It can come out somewhat I guess but not like in person.
It's a tough way to try to meet people.
Do you have any kind of speed dating where you live? It's a little odd, but fun and at least you can actually see and talk to people that way.
I have another funny story about that, but I'll spare you all. This one at least smelled OK.0 -
yes! poor guy was seriously self conscious about that.ha! i totally get the smell thing. a guy has to smell right.
a canadian flew over to meet me last year and i had him mail a worn t-shirt in advance, just to make sure.
Wait what? dirty shirt?
but he smelled yummy, so everything was fine.
I've known girls to take it from my place or make me leave it but never had someone ask me to mail it. I mean you can't blame him for being self conscious if that was his first representation in person without having the visual clues to defend it. I bet he over deodorantized that day :laugh:0 -
If you aren't seriously seeking something then go to a bar and go get a hook up there. Leave things for folks who are wanting to be in a relationship with the purpose of long term.
Or...just be honest on your profile about what you want. Who are you to tell people that if they don't want your version of a "correct" type of relationship that they aren't allowed to look for one?0 -
I've spoken to hundreds of guys about online dating and have set up profiles of various kinds before, for the majority of men including me it's not easy. I also read a study on Okcupid, not really a study, but an informal analysis.- I'll find the link if you're interested, but you're probably not, so hahaa..
Girls will initiate the first message sometimes, but it's rare (not the majority) - it's not something you should rely on for success on online dating websites if you're an average male or very unattractive female.
I don't think most women are gold diggers, but women do want a man with a nice job, a job that will afford them luxury in the context of procreation and family. So if you don't have a "career job" where you make good money (matters more to women in mid twenties and up), you can and will be judged. Some theorize that the origins are in biology, and others culture. Men are supposed to be protectors and providers; that is their gender role.
Most people (not a gender exclusive issue) lie to some degree when it comes to appearing attractive. if you're a male and not 6 foot tall, lie about it. That is unless you're really short, then just up it by two inches. Height is an attractive quality to women.0 -
well it'd be unfair for him to fly 2000+ miles only for me to make my excuses after ten minutes because he didn't smell right.
yes! poor guy was seriously self conscious about that.ha! i totally get the smell thing. a guy has to smell right.
a canadian flew over to meet me last year and i had him mail a worn t-shirt in advance, just to make sure.
Wait what? dirty shirt?
but he smelled yummy, so everything was fine.
I've known girls to take it from my place or make me leave it but never had someone ask me to mail it. I mean you can't blame him for being self conscious if that was his first representation in person without having the visual clues to defend it. I bet he over deodorantized that day :laugh:
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well it'd be unfair for him to fly 2000+ miles only for me to make my excuses after ten minutes because he didn't smell right.
yes! poor guy was seriously self conscious about that.ha! i totally get the smell thing. a guy has to smell right.
a canadian flew over to meet me last year and i had him mail a worn t-shirt in advance, just to make sure.
Wait what? dirty shirt?
but he smelled yummy, so everything was fine.
I've known girls to take it from my place or make me leave it but never had someone ask me to mail it. I mean you can't blame him for being self conscious if that was his first representation in person without having the visual clues to defend it. I bet he over deodorantized that day :laugh:
touche!0 -
uh huh. and the ability to compromise & understand other people's POVs helps when it comes to relationships.If you aren't seriously seeking something then go to a bar and go get a hook up there. Leave things for folks who are wanting to be in a relationship with the purpose of long term.
Or...just be honest on your profile about what you want. Who are you to tell people that if they don't want your version of a "correct" type of relationship that they aren't allowed to look for one?0 -
There is a mix of different types of people on online dating. You really have to go through quite a bit to meet the right people.0
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God can't believe you said that0
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That was just an example of how I've narrowed down results ridiculously.
I actually don't care about hair color.
There have been a few who were University of Michigan fans that I ruled out for that reason only though. :laugh:
And just so everyone doesn't think I'm some douche who only cares about looks that isn't the case. In fact one of my issues with it is that what I DO find attractive just isn't going to come out when talking online.
attitude/confidence/sense of humor.....It can come out somewhat I guess but not like in person.
Yeah the online aspect is hard. In the past personality always grabbed my attention first. The physical aspect have been more varied. Although I do have a few firmly set preferences as I suspect most people do.0 -
Do you know how many times a reasonable attractive woman is approached for casual sex on dating websites? For me it was at least 2 time per day, everyday. Since I already has a friend who fulfilled my more causal needs, I also had a note about the type of the relationship I was looking for in my profile. It's difficult when you are a woman in your mid to late 20's - even early 30's -- many men that age aren't interested in a serious relationship, let alone considering marriage yet. If that's the place you WANT to be in, what is wrong with saying that's your goal and not a more casual situation?
This.0 -
I don't think most women are gold diggers, but women do want a man with a nice job, a job that will afford them luxury in the context of procreation and family. So if you don't have a "career job" where you make good money (matters more to women in mid twenties and up), you can and will be judged. Some theorize that the origins are in biology, and others culture. Men are supposed to be protectors and providers; that is their gender role.
Thanks for the insight. Good job I'm already married, eh?0 -
There is nothing morally wrong with desiring only a sexual relationship, it's no more virtuous than a regular relationship. I hate to see people demonized for acting human.0
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I was more talking about the insight into your definitions of "what is important to women (especially those mid-twenties and up)".
If I had met any women like that (who "weren't" gold-diggers), I would have never had any dates. Luckily, your generalisation is a pretty poor one.0 -
No, most of them are not gold diggers, but at a certain age they get into family building mode and "my biological clock is ticking" mode and begin to look for men who can provide with their resources.0
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I've spoken to hundreds of guys about online dating and have set up profiles of various kinds before, for the majority of men including me it's not easy. I also read a study on Okcupid, not really a study, but an informal analysis.- I'll find the link if you're interested, but you're probably not, so hahaa..
Nice CV, but I've set up profiles for myself and for friends too. I've also overseen problems in dating sites and spoken publicly about them, so I know some information too. Actually, I am interested - an opinion is not always wrong, it is just subjective. It is also not easy for women either, for your info.Girls will initiate the first message sometimes, but it's rare (not the majority) - it's not something you should rely on for success on online dating websites if you're an average male or very unattractive female.
It depends on the site and the girl in question. Girls who have been on a dating site for longer than about a month are more likely to message someone. It's not as rare as you think, or you've experienced either through yourself or your cross section of men.I don't think most women are gold diggers, but women do want a man with a nice job, a job that will afford them luxury in the context of procreation and family. So if you don't have a "career job" where you make good money (matters more to women in mid twenties and up), you can and will be judged. Some theorize that the origins are in biology, and others culture. Men are supposed to be protectors and providers; that is their gender role.
I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Are you telling me you'd be happy with a woman who doesn't work, has no career prospects and little money? Are you genuinely able to say "I don't care"? Most men can't - I know. I've been ill for a long, long time and my illness has pushed people away online and offline. I am not a "desirable" person to be with, basically. I DO agree that SOME women will look for those attributes but I also know that MEN look for certain parameters too, so it's not one sided.0 -
No, most of them are not gold diggers, but at a certain age they get into family building mode and "my biological clock is ticking" mode and begin to look for men who can provide with their resources.
Poor generalisation is poor - again.0 -
yes! poor guy was seriously self conscious about that.ha! i totally get the smell thing. a guy has to smell right.
a canadian flew over to meet me last year and i had him mail a worn t-shirt in advance, just to make sure.
Wait what? dirty shirt?
but he smelled yummy, so everything was fine.
Now I want to know what happened? was the guy who flew over to meet you fantastic?0 -
I mail my dirty laundry to girls all the time. Darn ladycreepers.0
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