Husband sabotage
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HappyCampr1 wrote: »callmemaui wrote: »Wow!!! After a full day's of work I come back to tons of advice, some helpful & some not. Divorce? Break up? Really?? Anyway the general consensus is that I can only control myself, not my husband, which is the ultimate truth. However, it would be nice for him to be true to his word about support because his actions are the exact opposite of what he promised me. That's the conversation we have to have, and I realize that I have to be VERY specific about what I'm asking and reach a compromise with him.
Some of you asked if the tables were turned, how would I feel, and I can honestly say that if my husband went on a diet, but I didn't, there would be no way that I would bring home junk food or interrupt his workouts. Unfortunately the living room is the only location for me to work out, but it's not the only TV in the house. That's not the issue. The issue is that for some reason he gets annoyed when I work out, like I'm wasting time when I could be doing something else. Again, I'll have to talk to him about it and set some boundaries.
As for the donuts, oh geez you're all going to hate me so much......I threw them away this morning after he went to work. But don't worry!! That was MY share of the donuts. He had already scarfed his down yesterday evening. No loss on his part. **bracing for impact**
Exactly this. All the bickering in this post and you still got the main points. Good for you. It's not easy sometimes when the posters all start arguing amongst themselves. good luck!
Thank you!0 -
The reality is that many SO's, relatives, friends etc. don't really care that much about someone trying to lose weight. If they did, they would do what's constructively supportive to help. So to the OP, it's your endeavor to take on and your responsibility alone to make it happen. The great thing in the end is that NO ONE can make claim on the success, but you. You have to lose the weight. You have to figure out how to eat in deficit. You have to do the workouts. None of this can be done by anyone else's efforts but your own.
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You need to link to that thread you started about not always getting support. Was that how you worded it?
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I just caught up on this thread. I'm all for spouses getting to eat whatever they want, but I have certainly had the experience of my spouse not supporting my weightloss through pure cluelessness.
The last time we went to the movies about two weeks ago, I told my husband he should just order a small popcorn for himself since I wasn't having any since I'm on a diet. (He's on a diet too, but a much more lackadaisical one). I go pick out seats and he comes in with a large popcorn and large drink. He offers me some, and I say, no, I'm on a diet and I can't afford the calories. We watch the movie, and towards the middle of the movie he offers the bag to me silently. I shake my head no. The lights come up and he is left with half a bag of popcorn. "Do you want any of this?" No. I'm on a diet. Right before he throws out the rest, he checks with me one more time. "Are you sure you don't want any?" At this point, my eyebrows are in my hairline.
By the time we got back to the car, he said, "next time, I should really listen to you and just order a small."
We do have a limited amount of willpower (there's research out there about how many times you can stand to say no before you start giving in). That day at the movies, I had to tell my spouse no 4 times. It's nicer for your spouse to not stress that willpower when there's no good reason to. For the last ~ 10 days, my husband had not suggested we get fast food, or offered me sweets. That's immensely helpful. Wait a minute - once he did ask if I wanted to go out for ice cream. I said no, I can't afford the calories.
Of course, we've had conversations about this before, but we all need to check in and remind each other what we would really like and find helpful.
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »CorvusCorax77 wrote: »So I have read all the comments and so much face palm. My sweetie has the goal of gaining weight and is using MFP to do so. My goal is to lose weight and use MFP to do so. We both eat what we should and accommodate each other. He buys high calorie foods. I eat a salad. There is no frickin' issue. If I thought like some of you folks, neither of us would be allowed to eat in the same space or buy groceries together because I'd be sabotaging his weight gain and he would be sabotaging my weight loss.....
see the face palm action there???
Honestly I don't. You are describing your relationship and this thread is about the OP. The fact that she feels she is not being supported is key. Whether or not you or me or anyone else would feel the same doesn't matter because it's not about us.
But she involved US (those on a public forum) when she came here to vent about her husband.
I keep thinking...I hope that her husband doesn't have access to this forum. He might be so upset that he goes and buys a carload of donuts instead of just a few.
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Good. Glad you are going to set boundaries. It's hard for someone to support you exactly as you want them to when you don't tell them what that support is. It doesn't make it sabotage if you don't know what someone needs or wants.
And that's fine that you threw away donuts. It's too bad in my opinion that you didn't tell your husband that you didn't want them and give him the opportunity to eat them if he wanted to, but oh well.callmemaui wrote: »Peachy Carol you live in my house? You seem to know everything about me, my husband, my marriage and my life.
That seems like cherry picking a wee bit. I saw that other guy seeming to speak like he knows everything about your marriage, your husband and your life, but I guess that is okay since he is coming to your defense as your personal White Knight.
I saw a lot of Carol talking about her own marriage and her own food
commentGood. Glad you are going to set boundaries. It's hard for someone to support you exactly as you want them to when you don't tell them what that support is. It doesn't make it sabotage if you don't know what someone needs or wants.
And that's fine that you threw away donuts. It's too bad in my opinion that you didn't tell your husband that you didn't want them and give him the opportunity to eat them if he wanted to, but oh well.callmemaui wrote: »Peachy Carol you live in my house? You seem to know everything about me, my husband, my marriage and my life.
That seems like cherry picking a wee bit. I saw that other guy seeming to speak like he knows everything about your marriage, your husband and your life, but I guess that is okay since he is coming to your defense as your personal White Knight.
I saw a lot of Carol talking about her own marriage and her own food issues.
I know I changed that comment too donuts are evil and I apologize. I skimmed through all of the comments and didn't notice my white knight though but I could sure use one. I don't know anyone on these posts.0 -
callmemaui wrote: »HappyCampr1 wrote: »callmemaui wrote: »Wow!!! After a full day's of work I come back to tons of advice, some helpful & some not. Divorce? Break up? Really?? Anyway the general consensus is that I can only control myself, not my husband, which is the ultimate truth. However, it would be nice for him to be true to his word about support because his actions are the exact opposite of what he promised me. That's the conversation we have to have, and I realize that I have to be VERY specific about what I'm asking and reach a compromise with him.
Some of you asked if the tables were turned, how would I feel, and I can honestly say that if my husband went on a diet, but I didn't, there would be no way that I would bring home junk food or interrupt his workouts. Unfortunately the living room is the only location for me to work out, but it's not the only TV in the house. That's not the issue. The issue is that for some reason he gets annoyed when I work out, like I'm wasting time when I could be doing something else. Again, I'll have to talk to him about it and set some boundaries.
As for the donuts, oh geez you're all going to hate me so much......I threw them away this morning after he went to work. But don't worry!! That was MY share of the donuts. He had already scarfed his down yesterday evening. No loss on his part. **bracing for impact**
Exactly this. All the bickering in this post and you still got the main points. Good for you. It's not easy sometimes when the posters all start arguing amongst themselves. good luck!
Thank you!
Yep, you did good!
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »CorvusCorax77 wrote: »So I have read all the comments and so much face palm. My sweetie has the goal of gaining weight and is using MFP to do so. My goal is to lose weight and use MFP to do so. We both eat what we should and accommodate each other. He buys high calorie foods. I eat a salad. There is no frickin' issue. If I thought like some of you folks, neither of us would be allowed to eat in the same space or buy groceries together because I'd be sabotaging his weight gain and he would be sabotaging my weight loss.....
see the face palm action there???
Honestly I don't. You are describing your relationship and this thread is about the OP. The fact that she feels she is not being supported is key. Whether or not you or me or anyone else would feel the same doesn't matter because it's not about us.
But she involved US (those on a public forum) when she came here to vent about her husband.
I keep thinking...I hope that her husband doesn't have access to this forum. He might be so upset that he goes and buys a carload of donuts instead of just a few.
LOL! If he can scarf down donuts with no shame I seriously doubt he's concerned about MFP forums. I'm safe...I quickly type before he enters the room.0 -
callmemaui wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »CorvusCorax77 wrote: »So I have read all the comments and so much face palm. My sweetie has the goal of gaining weight and is using MFP to do so. My goal is to lose weight and use MFP to do so. We both eat what we should and accommodate each other. He buys high calorie foods. I eat a salad. There is no frickin' issue. If I thought like some of you folks, neither of us would be allowed to eat in the same space or buy groceries together because I'd be sabotaging his weight gain and he would be sabotaging my weight loss.....
see the face palm action there???
Honestly I don't. You are describing your relationship and this thread is about the OP. The fact that she feels she is not being supported is key. Whether or not you or me or anyone else would feel the same doesn't matter because it's not about us.
But she involved US (those on a public forum) when she came here to vent about her husband.
I keep thinking...I hope that her husband doesn't have access to this forum. He might be so upset that he goes and buys a carload of donuts instead of just a few.
LOL! If he can scarf down donuts with no shame I seriously doubt he's concerned about MFP forums. I'm safe...I quickly type before he enters the room.
This might be your problem. I would recommend talking your husband and continuing to keep the lines of communication open rather than allowing this bashing thread to go on and hiding it from him when he comes in.0 -
callmemaui wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »CorvusCorax77 wrote: »So I have read all the comments and so much face palm. My sweetie has the goal of gaining weight and is using MFP to do so. My goal is to lose weight and use MFP to do so. We both eat what we should and accommodate each other. He buys high calorie foods. I eat a salad. There is no frickin' issue. If I thought like some of you folks, neither of us would be allowed to eat in the same space or buy groceries together because I'd be sabotaging his weight gain and he would be sabotaging my weight loss.....
see the face palm action there???
Honestly I don't. You are describing your relationship and this thread is about the OP. The fact that she feels she is not being supported is key. Whether or not you or me or anyone else would feel the same doesn't matter because it's not about us.
But she involved US (those on a public forum) when she came here to vent about her husband.
I keep thinking...I hope that her husband doesn't have access to this forum. He might be so upset that he goes and buys a carload of donuts instead of just a few.
LOL! If he can scarf down donuts with no shame I seriously doubt he's concerned about MFP forums. I'm safe...I quickly type before he enters the room.
This might be your problem. I would recommend talking your husband and continuing to keep the lines of communication open rather than allowing this bashing thread to go on and hiding it from him when he comes in.
Sorry I was joking. That's not how we really work.0 -
callmemaui wrote: »Wow!!! After a full day's of work I come back to tons of advice, some helpful & some not. Divorce? Break up? Really?? Anyway the general consensus is that I can only control myself, not my husband, which is the ultimate truth. However, it would be nice for him to be true to his word about support because his actions are the exact opposite of what he promised me. That's the conversation we have to have, and I realize that I have to be VERY specific about what I'm asking and reach a compromise with him.
Some of you asked if the tables were turned, how would I feel, and I can honestly say that if my husband went on a diet, but I didn't, there would be no way that I would bring home junk food or interrupt his workouts. Unfortunately the living room is the only location for me to work out, but it's not the only TV in the house. That's not the issue. The issue is that for some reason he gets annoyed when I work out, like I'm wasting time when I could be doing something else. Again, I'll have to talk to him about it and set some boundaries.
As for the donuts, oh geez you're all going to hate me so much......I threw them away this morning after he went to work. But don't worry!! That was MY share of the donuts. He had already scarfed his down yesterday evening. No loss on his part. **bracing for impact**
Nothing wrong with trashing your half. That was your choice to make, and a solution that worked for you.
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callmemaui wrote: »callmemaui wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »CorvusCorax77 wrote: »So I have read all the comments and so much face palm. My sweetie has the goal of gaining weight and is using MFP to do so. My goal is to lose weight and use MFP to do so. We both eat what we should and accommodate each other. He buys high calorie foods. I eat a salad. There is no frickin' issue. If I thought like some of you folks, neither of us would be allowed to eat in the same space or buy groceries together because I'd be sabotaging his weight gain and he would be sabotaging my weight loss.....
see the face palm action there???
Honestly I don't. You are describing your relationship and this thread is about the OP. The fact that she feels she is not being supported is key. Whether or not you or me or anyone else would feel the same doesn't matter because it's not about us.
But she involved US (those on a public forum) when she came here to vent about her husband.
I keep thinking...I hope that her husband doesn't have access to this forum. He might be so upset that he goes and buys a carload of donuts instead of just a few.
LOL! If he can scarf down donuts with no shame I seriously doubt he's concerned about MFP forums. I'm safe...I quickly type before he enters the room.
This might be your problem. I would recommend talking your husband and continuing to keep the lines of communication open rather than allowing this bashing thread to go on and hiding it from him when he comes in.
Sorry I was joking. That's not how we really work.
I gotta say, I think you're a champ. You have a very long thread with very strong opinions about your marriage and you totally handled it.0 -
Good. Glad you are going to set boundaries. It's hard for someone to support you exactly as you want them to when you don't tell them what that support is. It doesn't make it sabotage if you don't know what someone needs or wants.
And that's fine that you threw away donuts. It's too bad in my opinion that you didn't tell your husband that you didn't want them and give him the opportunity to eat them if he wanted to, but oh well.callmemaui wrote: »Peachy Carol you live in my house? You seem to know everything about me, my husband, my marriage and my life.
That seems like cherry picking a wee bit. I saw that other guy seeming to speak like he knows everything about your marriage, your husband and your life, but I guess that is okay since he is coming to your defense as your personal White Knight.
I saw a lot of Carol talking about her own marriage and her own food issues.
Oh, I missed this before it was edited. LOL.
OP, what Shell said. Very selective of you to see everyone who saw the sabotage to read into your marriage, but when I shared how my marriage worked, I was analyzing yours.
If anything, I wasn't jumping to conclusions about your husband's motives because we don't have his side to the story. Everyone else who assumed they knew what was going on and just bought that he was sabotaging you? They're the ones who knew what was going on in your marriage.
But to the point of food issues? Yup. I'll own that. If you think someone is sabotaging you, you're not in the right head space for long-term success. This is not to say that you can't get there. But you need to do some work.
I'm saying this to help you. I've dieted on and off for years, and I've had time to analyze what has made me fail so it doesn't happen this time. One of the biggest factors in all of my prior failures was the inability to place the blame for my issues and the responsibility for facing them squarely on myself. There was always some scapegoat.
Trust me, there is EMPOWERMENT in owning your issues with food, and freedom in it. Doing this stops being something hard, and suddenly just becomes about making choices with a sound mind in a rational way. Doesn't that sound like it would be a wonderful place to be in?
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callmemaui wrote: »Wow!!! After a full day's of work I come back to tons of advice, some helpful & some not. Divorce? Break up? Really?? Anyway the general consensus is that I can only control myself, not my husband, which is the ultimate truth. However, it would be nice for him to be true to his word about support because his actions are the exact opposite of what he promised me. That's the conversation we have to have, and I realize that I have to be VERY specific about what I'm asking and reach a compromise with him.
Some of you asked if the tables were turned, how would I feel, and I can honestly say that if my husband went on a diet, but I didn't, there would be no way that I would bring home junk food or interrupt his workouts. Unfortunately the living room is the only location for me to work out, but it's not the only TV in the house. That's not the issue. The issue is that for some reason he gets annoyed when I work out, like I'm wasting time when I could be doing something else. Again, I'll have to talk to him about it and set some boundaries.
As for the donuts, oh geez you're all going to hate me so much......I threw them away this morning after he went to work. But don't worry!! That was MY share of the donuts. He had already scarfed his down yesterday evening. No loss on his part. **bracing for impact**
OP...I went back to see if you told him specifically not to bring home donuts. I couldn't find anything except in the first post where you mentioned "bad foods". Maybe your husband just didn't think about it or maybe he doesn't consider donuts "bad food".
It takes a while to adjust to a new way of eating. Don't just assume that your husband doesn't support you. Give him a chance to adjust. Give him a list of things that are hard for you to resist along with a list of treats that you will have no problem resisting.
How long have you been trying to give up "bad food"?
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I am going through some of the same thing...cookies on the kitchen bar potatoe chips where I will find them..yep..makes it hard..0
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Maillemaker's wrote:It's not up to you to decide what is "rubbing your nose in it", though. Clearly OP feels like the husband bringing the donuts into the house is sabotaging her weight loss efforts. For some people, if it's in the house it's too easy to indulge.
It is call blaming someone else when the other person is not the issue. Why is self control not even being talked about it this?0 -
DontJustWishForItWorkForIt wrote: »Dang there are a lot of insensitive trolls on here! Even if there are some good points here and there the way you say it does nothing but show what a *kitten* you are. Anyway I'm sorry your feeling unsupported by the most influential person in your life. Hope you two talk it out and find some common ground. Hugs to you and remember no matter what don't let anyone bring you down. You got this!!
Irony.
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It is call blaming someone else when the other person is not the issue. Why is self control not even being talked about it this?
It is. It's been mentioned many times, including by me. The whole problem is self-control. Evidently OP exercised self-control by throwing out the donuts.0 -
maillemaker wrote: »It is call blaming someone else when the other person is not the issue. Why is self control not even being talked about it this?
It is. It's been mentioned many times, including by me. The whole problem is self-control. Evidently OP exercised self-control by throwing out the donuts.
Which would be a good solution.
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »PeachyCarol wrote: »Anyone thinking in a mindset of "sabotage" is starting off on the wrong foot. I'm not even going to address the specific poster in this thread, I'm just going to put the whole thought out there.
Getting control over our own food intake is no one else's job. The world does not have to accommodate the fact that each of us have issues with it. That's our problem. We need to learn to handle multiple temptations in all sorts of situations, and that begins at home.
Expecting someone else to change because you're changing? Flip that scenario around? How put upon would you feel? And before anyone jumps in and says that they'd do it for their spouse out of WUV, think long and hard about changing all your habits out of the blue.
So all of you who believe in the concept of sabotage, just how do you deal with temptation at all? Honestly.
Weight loss and maintenance have abysmal long-term success rates, and I think a mindset like this might be one of the many factors why.
There is some truth to this, but expecting your spouse to at least not make a difficult thing more difficult is far from the same thing as expecting the entire world to accommodate you.
How about the person on the diet making the non-dieters lives more difficult?0
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