Husband sabotage
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I can't be the only one that thinks of this, whenever they see the word sabotage.
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maillemaker wrote: »Your analogy stinks. So if my hubby doesn't like something, I can't have in our house or the other way round. HHhhhmmmmm....
If your hubby doesn't like something to where he doesn't want it in the house, then you two will have to figure out how to resolve that situation. Someone is going to be disappointed. It just depends how bad you want something and how willing you are to disappoint your spouse to have it.
What if you like guns but your husband doesn't want them in the house?
What if your husband likes to smoke pipes but you don't want them smoked in the house?
What if your husband likes to wear shoes in the house but you don't want people wearing shoes in the house?
We compromise, something a lot people don't understand.
If my husband owned guns before we were married, then I'd accept that they'd be in the house. I'd have rules about them not being loaded, etc, but I wouldn't say he couldn't have them.
If my husband smoked before we were married, then I'd ask that he not do it in the house because I've been a non-smoker for a few years now. I lived with a smoker (and still do) when I quit. I didn't ask them not to smoke outside. I learned to deal with it and get through it, realizing that it was up to me to overcome my own issues.
If my husband liked to wear shoes in the house and I didn't, then that's something that I would have had to come to peace with, compromise/deal with long before we were married.
If my husband ate donuts before we were married and I decided to make a life change, I would not expect him to go hoarde food outside the house because of my own issues. it's his house too and he can have whatever food he wants in there.0 -
callmemaui wrote: »HELP!!!! I think my husband us trying to sabotage my weight loss endeavor. When I explain to him that I am really trying hard this time, avoiding bad foods and trying to work out he's all for it. But his actions speak the exact opposite of support. Like yesterday he brought home donuts after work. And when I turn on my Zumba workout in the living room he gets annoyed and interrupts me to ask me to do something for him, like help him carry something to the garage. It's really frustrating. I was really hoping he would join me so we could go through this together, but it looks like I'm on my own. BUT I refuse to give in. I'm going to keep doing it and hopefully he'll get the hint that I'm in it for the long run.
Its awesome you are working on yourself. But that's just it we are working on ourSELVES. I don't think he is intentionally trying to sabotage you. My husband is not losing weight with me and that's OK. its almost selfish to expect him too or expect him to change how he is for me. If the doughnuts and things are too much for your selfcontrol then talk to him about it. not in an accusatory way or anything but let him know your difficulties. Yes you may be on your own at home but so many people want to lose weight you can never say yourself. Now the zumba thing. let him know gently but firmly you will help him when your finished or better yet just say something like hey im going to be busy for ___ minutes do you need anything before I ____?0 -
TheVirgoddess wrote: »I can't be the only one that thinks of this, whenever they see the word sabotage.
:laugh:0 -
TheVirgoddess wrote: »My husband still brings me donuts. Because I like donuts and he loves me. My "diet" is my business to manage - not his. It's not sabotage. It's realizing that the world doesn't actually revolve around me.
Exactly the way I look at it. Jeff brought me an icecream from the corner store. he saw them and thought of me. Was very sweet. I just altered the rest of my day a little so he and I could sit on the porch and enjoy our treat.0 -
PikaKnight wrote: »maillemaker wrote: »Your analogy stinks. So if my hubby doesn't like something, I can't have in our house or the other way round. HHhhhmmmmm....
If your hubby doesn't like something to where he doesn't want it in the house, then you two will have to figure out how to resolve that situation. Someone is going to be disappointed. It just depends how bad you want something and how willing you are to disappoint your spouse to have it.
What if you like guns but your husband doesn't want them in the house?
What if your husband likes to smoke pipes but you don't want them smoked in the house?
What if your husband likes to wear shoes in the house but you don't want people wearing shoes in the house?
We compromise, something a lot people don't understand.
If my husband owned guns before we were married, then I'd accept that they'd be in the house. I'd have rules about them not being loaded, etc, but I wouldn't say he couldn't have them.
If my husband smoked before we were married, then I'd ask that he not do it in the house because I've been a non-smoker for a few years now. I lived with a smoker (and still do) when I quit. I didn't ask them not to smoke outside. I learned to deal with it and get through it, realizing that it was up to me to overcome my own issues.
If my husband liked to wear shoes in the house and I didn't, then that's something that I would have had to come to peace with, compromise/deal with long before we were married.
If my husband ate donuts before we were married and I decided to make a life change, I would not expect him to go hoarde food outside the house because of my own issues. it's his house too and he can have whatever food he wants in there.
Stop being unsupportive!0 -
For me, I would be upset if my spouse posted a thread on here airing all his grievances about me. What if OP talks to him tonight and he has some sort of epiphany and signs up for MFP only to stumble upon this? It's best to keep private matters private, imo.0
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PikaKnight wrote: »maillemaker wrote: »Your analogy stinks. So if my hubby doesn't like something, I can't have in our house or the other way round. HHhhhmmmmm....
If your hubby doesn't like something to where he doesn't want it in the house, then you two will have to figure out how to resolve that situation. Someone is going to be disappointed. It just depends how bad you want something and how willing you are to disappoint your spouse to have it.
What if you like guns but your husband doesn't want them in the house?
What if your husband likes to smoke pipes but you don't want them smoked in the house?
What if your husband likes to wear shoes in the house but you don't want people wearing shoes in the house?
We compromise, something a lot people don't understand.
If my husband owned guns before we were married, then I'd accept that they'd be in the house. I'd have rules about them not being loaded, etc, but I wouldn't say he couldn't have them.
If my husband smoked before we were married, then I'd ask that he not do it in the house because I've been a non-smoker for a few years now. I lived with a smoker (and still do) when I quit. I didn't ask them not to smoke outside. I learned to deal with it and get through it, realizing that it was up to me to overcome my own issues.
If my husband liked to wear shoes in the house and I didn't, then that's something that I would have had to come to peace with, compromise/deal with long before we were married.
If my husband ate donuts before we were married and I decided to make a life change, I would not expect him to go hoarde food outside the house because of my own issues. it's his house too and he can have whatever food he wants in there.
Stop being unsupportive!
I know, right!!!!0 -
I would eat the occasional donut and ignore interruption's when I am doing my excercise. It's all in your hands. Good luck0
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_YourLoss_ wrote: »For me, I would be upset if my spouse posted a thread on here airing all his grievances about me. What if OP talks to him tonight and he has some sort of epiphany and signs up for MFP only to stumble upon this? It's best to keep private matters private, imo.
^And this x1000.0 -
maillemaker wrote: »You are dense as hell and can't stay on the topic of food to save your life can you? If you could manage to actually stay in the realm of reason I would be shocked. I'd rather hold a conversation with my ex-husband because he's more rational.
I'm sorry you are unable to follow the conversation.
Clearly it's because I'm not drunk, as that is the only way humanly possible to understand a damn word out of you.-1 -
_YourLoss_ wrote: »For me, I would be upset if my spouse posted a thread on here airing all his grievances about me. What if OP talks to him tonight and he has some sort of epiphany and signs up for MFP only to stumble upon this? It's best to keep private matters private, imo.
Yep0 -
_YourLoss_ wrote: »For me, I would be upset if my spouse posted a thread on here airing all his grievances about me. What if OP talks to him tonight and he has some sort of epiphany and signs up for MFP only to stumble upon this? It's best to keep private matters private, imo.
+10000 -
_YourLoss_ wrote: »For me, I would be upset if my spouse posted a thread on here airing all his grievances about me. What if OP talks to him tonight and he has some sort of epiphany and signs up for MFP only to stumble upon this? It's best to keep private matters private, imo.
Agree, also.0 -
my sister is kind of the same, she sabotages my plan all the time just because she feels bad that I can't eat it so she always offers me But I can choose to say no. You have to be able to develop a self control that even if the food is there, you wouldn't eat it because you know you shouldn't.0
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Just because one person in a SHARED space is on a diet does not mean that person should expect the other to change or allow them to alter that SHARED space too much. its selfish. he wants doughnuts in the house let him have doughnuts, chocolate, chips whatever. Its you who puts those things in your mouth. Its you who can say no and walk away.0
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Wow!!! After a full day's of work I come back to tons of advice, some helpful & some not. Divorce? Break up? Really?? Anyway the general consensus is that I can only control myself, not my husband, which is the ultimate truth. However, it would be nice for him to be true to his word about support because his actions are the exact opposite of what he promised me. That's the conversation we have to have, and I realize that I have to be VERY specific about what I'm asking and reach a compromise with him.
Some of you asked if the tables were turned, how would I feel, and I can honestly say that if my husband went on a diet, but I didn't, there would be no way that I would bring home junk food or interrupt his workouts. Unfortunately the living room is the only location for me to work out, but it's not the only TV in the house. That's not the issue. The issue is that for some reason he gets annoyed when I work out, like I'm wasting time when I could be doing something else. Again, I'll have to talk to him about it and set some boundaries.
As for the donuts, oh geez you're all going to hate me so much......I threw them away this morning after he went to work. But don't worry!! That was MY share of the donuts. He had already scarfed his down yesterday evening. No loss on his part. **bracing for impact**0 -
We compromise, something a lot people don't understand.If my husband owned guns before we were married, then I'd accept that they'd be in the house. I'd have rules about them not being loaded, etc, but I wouldn't say he couldn't have them.
If my husband smoked before we were married, then I'd ask that he not do it in the house because I've been a non-smoker for a few years now. I lived with a smoker (and still do) when I quit. I didn't ask them not to smoke outside. I learned to deal with it and get through it, realizing that it was up to me to overcome my own issues.
If my husband liked to wear shoes in the house and I didn't, then that's something that I would have had to come to peace with, compromise/deal with long before we were married.
If my husband ate donuts before we were married and I decided to make a life change, I would not expect him to go hoarde food outside the house because of my own issues. it's his house too and he can have whatever food he wants in there.
This is great, as long as you discover all points of contention before you are married.
The reality is, you never do.
Here's another one: I can't remember if it was before or after we got married, but my wife said there would be no television in the bedroom. TV is not a big deal to me, so we have no TV in the bedroom. From some of the responses here, my response should have been "GTFO".
I guess what we are seeing here are fundamental differences on views of marriage.
To me, generally speaking, on any given issue that comes up, both spouses have equal veto power.
You want to go out to eat Italian food and your spouse says, "No Italian", then you don't eat Italian.
You want to go on a cruise vacation and your spouse says, "No cruises", then you don't go on a cruise.
If you want to smoke your cigar in the house and your spouse says, "No smoking cigars in the house" then you don't smoke cigars in the house.
If you want a pet dog but your wife says, "No dogs", then you don't get a pet dog.
If you want to have donuts in the house and your spouse says, "No donuts in the house", then you don't bring donuts in the house.
Now, can you press the issue if you really, really, really want to? Of course you can, and sometimes we do. And sometimes the other person relents and says, "OK". But you have to know as a spouse that when the other person says "OK" they still aren't going to be happy with the choice. And why are we married but to try and make each other happy when we can? So that's why we try to make decisions where both spouses can be happy.
My wife and I respect each other. So if there is something the other does not want to be done, generally, it isn't done.
Not everyone's marriage is the same and I can respect that. But if my wife was trying to diet and asked me not to bring donuts home because it made her feel bad and/or made it hard for her, I wouldn't bring donuts home. Because I want to help her.0 -
maillemaker wrote: »I am not surprised you feel this way.
Equating cigarettes with foodstuff is quite a reach.
Tell me, should people expect the grocery store to move their bakery case out of their line of site? After all, if they have willpower issues, everything's a trap, right?
First of all, I am not equating cigarettes with foodstuff.
I am equating the act of smoking in the house with the act of bringing foodstuffs in the house. My step-mother doesn't smoke. My father does. She thinks it stinks. So the arrangement they have worked out is that he won't smoke in the house. Is it terrible that he can't smoke cigarettes inside his own home? Nope. That's marriage.
Here's another one for you. I shoot guns a lot. When I was single, I'd clean them sitting in front of the TV. But my wife thinks Hoppes #9 and Balistol cleaning solvents stink. So as a courtesy to her, I clean the guns out in the garage instead. Is it terrible that I can't bring what I want into my own home? Nope. That's marriage.
I get the impression that some of you in this thread are not married. Being married does not mean that each spouse gets to do what they want all the time. Whether it's choosing where to go out to dinner, whether you can wear your shoes in the house, whether you can smoke in the house, whether pets are allowed on the furniture or not - there are a million things where one spouse makes concessions to the other spouse.
Why do we do it? Because we are crazy. Uh, I mean because we are in love with that person and want to support them where we can.
Someone once told me, "Marriage is not 50/50 give/take. It's 90/10 give/take. And if you're lucky, half the time you're getting the 90."
Everyone is saying that no one should start off with excluding foods because you have to learn moderation sometime. It is absolutely true that everyone has to learn moderation eventually. But not everyone can start off with moderation.
OP has stated she feels "sabotaged" because her husband is bringing donuts into the house. Clearly she has self-control issues with eating the donuts because otherwise she would be indifferent about it and would not be posting here about being sabotaged. Clearly she is not ready to have a moderation relationship with donuts. There is nothing wrong with this, and it's something she and her husband will have to work out. If he's supportive and empathetic, he'll stop bringing the donuts into the house.
You're projecting. She said nothing. Self-control as in they are tempting? Well guess what? She has to learn to deal with that.
The problem with all of your analogies ignore the fact that the problem here is the poster's own. And it's with food. This is a substance that is unavoidable. She has to find a way to deal with it, head-on. This is not an area where you work out a compromise between partners for the duration of your diet and then go back to life as normal. What happens then if you haven't learned how to deal with your own problem?
Guess.
Again, I am not surprised that you fail to connect this to an issue of personal responsibility and self-awareness and a growth opportunity.
I will repeat. Anyone who believes in the concept of diet sabotage will ultimately fail unless they wise up and do some self-examination.
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maillemaker wrote: »I'm married and I have celiac disease. I haven't been able to eat pizza in 18 years. Do you know how hard that was for me?
I never once thought it was okay to deprive my husband of it.
That's the mindset here. People are all "me me me". It's all well and fine thinking, oh the husband is "doing" this to her, when in reality, the husband is just wanting a donut. His food choice is no more about her than my husband having pizza is about me.
So YES, it is expecting the world to accommodate and revolve around you.
Typical victim mindset of people who are not truly focused enough.
No one here has suggested, not even the OP, that they desire to deprive the husband of donuts. Nor that he cannot eat them.
What OP wants is for him not to bring them in the home.
It's his house too. He should be able to enjoy something he likes in the comfort of it.
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drregina885 wrote: »My Family is very resistant to change. I don't think my husband and the kids are trying to sabotage me but they just don't want to do what I'm doing. I am the cook and plan most of the activities for the family. At first my feelings were hurt and I got easily frustrated trying to push them to change with me. They eventually won, because it was just so easy to go back to eating convenience foods and not planning ahead for meals and exercise.
Then this year I had what I considered a devastating change in my health. I was diagnosed with wheat allergy and gluten intolerance. OMG. Have any of you had to suddenly completely Cut wheat or any wheat products out of your diet? 90% of my comfort foods and pleasure foods were instantly off the menu. Most of the gluten-free substitutes are made with corn and rice which will quickly pack the pounds on you and have no fiber. And they taste like crap (no pleasure or comfort there). Find me fast food with no bread, breading to be fried, or fried along side food with breading. Not going to happen. Don't let restaurants tell you they have foods with no wheat or gluten because that does not matter if all the foods were prepared in the same place.
My emotions were and often still are all over the place. My brain kept saying "you're hungry" but you can't possibly be hungry all the time if you're eating. So now when I find myself wandering around the kitchen I ask myself what do you need? Why are you here? What did you think food was going to do for you? Amazingly enough I'm starting to be able to answer those questions. And I'm starting to take care of myself in the right ways.
My family is never going to give up bread pizza or french fries from McDonald's, but they are concerned about me. I can never go back to eating the way I did. It took many months but they are gradually more interested in some of the changes. I still prepare the meals for them the way I always did but also prepare my meals with extra to share if they want it. My feelings aren't hurt if they don't. But more and more often they do.
Yes, I've been through the same change. I was diagnosed with celiac disease 18 years ago.
It gets easier. I hardly ever eat any of the gluten free substitute products any more. Most of them aren't worth the calories. Find foods and cuisines that are naturally free of gluten, and enjoy them. There's a lot out there to discover.
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maillemaker wrote: »I don't understand how a person bringing food they enjoy into their own homes shows a lack of support for their spouse.
If your spouse didn't like cats, and you went and got a pet cat, would you be showing a lack of consideration for your spouse's feelings on cats?
The issue here is it's not just one spouse's home. It belongs to both of them, and as such both have a say in what can be brought into the home. This is true whether we are talking about pets, cigarettes, shoes, or donuts.
A cat roams the house. The donuts can sit quietly in a cupboard, and the husband can eat them while the wife is in another room.
You keep missing the point that a dieter needs to conquer her issues with food.
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callmemaui wrote: »Wow!!! After a full day's of work I come back to tons of advice, some helpful & some not. Divorce? Break up? Really?? Anyway the general consensus is that I can only control myself, not my husband, which is the ultimate truth. However, it would be nice for him to be true to his word about support because his actions are the exact opposite of what he promised me. That's the conversation we have to have, and I realize that I have to be VERY specific about what I'm asking and reach a compromise with him.
Some of you asked if the tables were turned, how would I feel, and I can honestly say that if my husband went on a diet, but I didn't, there would be no way that I would bring home junk food or interrupt his workouts. Unfortunately the living room is the only location for me to work out, but it's not the only TV in the house. That's not the issue. The issue is that for some reason he gets annoyed when I work out, like I'm wasting time when I could be doing something else. Again, I'll have to talk to him about it and set some boundaries.
As for the donuts, oh geez you're all going to hate me so much......I threw them away this morning after he went to work. But don't worry!! That was MY share of the donuts. He had already scarfed his down yesterday evening. No loss on his part. **bracing for impact**
I see nothing wrong with disposing of your portion. Good for you for finding a way to make it work.0 -
Could be fear of change.
Fear that if you lose weight, you'll have more options and maybe won't want him any more.
Likely he's afraid and doesn't even know it (we men are very good at actively ignoring our fears). I'm not trying to excuse his actions just trying to help you understand. Talking it through really does help almost everything.0 -
#donutsarethedevil0
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I totally know what this is like! My boyfriend eats a lot of junk and is always coming home with chocolate etc. I wouldn't ever bring junk food into the house..if it's not there I won't eat it! One thing that helps me is to always have an alternative to eat when I feel like having some of the chocolate or ice cream that he gets. Fage greek yoghurt usually hits the spot for me
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If he brings home food that you choose not to eat, thank him with a kiss and tell him that you are not going to be able to work out enough that day to burn it off if you chose not to work out extra that day.
Anytime I am about to turn on a workout dvd I tell the family that I am not to be interrupted. It f**#%@ hurts and the last thing I am going to to is hold a conversation or stop to help someone do something that can wait. The key is let them know ahead of time. And if you are interrupted say, I can in about X amount of minutes.0
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