Husband sabotage
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Also, what we don't have here -- at least not based on the OP -- is a situation where OP told her husband that it would be a lot easier for her, at first, to have certain foods not around all the time, and that she would appreciate him being subtle if he chose to eat them at home, and where he said "okay," and proceeded to ignore that.
It seems like some just think he should have known, without being told, that she would be upset that he brought home donuts. If they had a past practice of doing stuff like that, you can't just expect him to know and accuse him--with no evidence--of being a baby or throwing tantrums because he brought home some donuts. That's just weird.
I think sometimes we assume others should be more attuned to what we want or would consider helpful without having to tell them, and instead communication is really important. (Not that I always follow my own advice, of course. That would make things too easy.) ;-)0 -
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justrollme wrote: »DontJustWishForItWorkForIt wrote: »Dang there are a lot of insensitive trolls on here! Even if there are some good points here and there the way you say it does nothing but show what a *kitten* you are. Anyway I'm sorry your feeling unsupported by the most influential person in your life. Hope you two talk it out and find some common ground. Hugs to you and remember no matter what don't let anyone bring you down. You got this!!
Well said!
I am someone who is new to the MFP forum community and I am really glad that there are people who manage to be helpful and considerate. There are quite a few regulars here on MFP that post in a way that reminds me of my 12-year-old son's gaming forum. We laugh about those ones, too!
On topic: You will figure things out, OP. Some people need to transition through a phase where you have no choice but to struggle through temptation, which will be all around you, not just in your own kitchen. But, overcoming that will feel great. Sometimes people give up, and there could be a thousand different reasons for that. If that happens, try to analyze why and then give it another go.
There isn't anything wrong with asking your hubby to help you through that phase. Does that mean no doughnuts come home ever again? Of course not. But if it will help you get through a tough couple of weeks, then it's no big deal. Marriage goes hand-in-hand with helping each other out. Good luck!
what is that old saying..if you don't have anything nice to say ..
I love you compare all the posters to 12 year olds and then throw on the holier than thou act...very ironic...
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I am not surprised you feel this way.
Equating cigarettes with foodstuff is quite a reach.
Tell me, should people expect the grocery store to move their bakery case out of their line of site? After all, if they have willpower issues, everything's a trap, right?
First of all, I am not equating cigarettes with foodstuff.
I am equating the act of smoking in the house with the act of bringing foodstuffs in the house. My step-mother doesn't smoke. My father does. She thinks it stinks. So the arrangement they have worked out is that he won't smoke in the house. Is it terrible that he can't smoke cigarettes inside his own home? Nope. That's marriage.
Here's another one for you. I shoot guns a lot. When I was single, I'd clean them sitting in front of the TV. But my wife thinks Hoppes #9 and Balistol cleaning solvents stink. So as a courtesy to her, I clean the guns out in the garage instead. Is it terrible that I can't bring what I want into my own home? Nope. That's marriage.
I get the impression that some of you in this thread are not married. Being married does not mean that each spouse gets to do what they want all the time. Whether it's choosing where to go out to dinner, whether you can wear your shoes in the house, whether you can smoke in the house, whether pets are allowed on the furniture or not - there are a million things where one spouse makes concessions to the other spouse.
Why do we do it? Because we are crazy. Uh, I mean because we are in love with that person and want to support them where we can.
Someone once told me, "Marriage is not 50/50 give/take. It's 90/10 give/take. And if you're lucky, half the time you're getting the 90."
Everyone is saying that no one should start off with excluding foods because you have to learn moderation sometime. It is absolutely true that everyone has to learn moderation eventually. But not everyone can start off with moderation.
OP has stated she feels "sabotaged" because her husband is bringing donuts into the house. Clearly she has self-control issues with eating the donuts because otherwise she would be indifferent about it and would not be posting here about being sabotaged. Clearly she is not ready to have a moderation relationship with donuts. There is nothing wrong with this, and it's something she and her husband will have to work out. If he's supportive and empathetic, he'll stop bringing the donuts into the house.
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Why is it you always bring up smoking? I'd have to say at least 85% of your arguments end up bringing up smoking addiction to compare to food/sugar addictions.0
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CorvusCorax77 wrote: »So I have read all the comments and so much face palm. My sweetie has the goal of gaining weight and is using MFP to do so. My goal is to lose weight and use MFP to do so. We both eat what we should and accommodate each other. He buys high calorie foods. I eat a salad. There is no frickin' issue. If I thought like some of you folks, neither of us would be allowed to eat in the same space or buy groceries together because I'd be sabotaging his weight gain and he would be sabotaging my weight loss.....
see the face palm action there???
Honestly I don't. You are describing your relationship and this thread is about the OP. The fact that she feels she is not being supported is key. Whether or not you or me or anyone else would feel the same doesn't matter because it's not about us.0 -
My Family is very resistant to change. I don't think my husband and the kids are trying to sabotage me but they just don't want to do what I'm doing. I am the cook and plan most of the activities for the family. At first my feelings were hurt and I got easily frustrated trying to push them to change with me. They eventually won, because it was just so easy to go back to eating convenience foods and not planning ahead for meals and exercise.
Then this year I had what I considered a devastating change in my health. I was diagnosed with wheat allergy and gluten intolerance. OMG. Have any of you had to suddenly completely Cut wheat or any wheat products out of your diet? 90% of my comfort foods and pleasure foods were instantly off the menu. Most of the gluten-free substitutes are made with corn and rice which will quickly pack the pounds on you and have no fiber. And they taste like crap (no pleasure or comfort there). Find me fast food with no bread, breading to be fried, or fried along side food with breading. Not going to happen. Don't let restaurants tell you they have foods with no wheat or gluten because that does not matter if all the foods were prepared in the same place.
My emotions were and often still are all over the place. My brain kept saying "you're hungry" but you can't possibly be hungry all the time if you're eating. So now when I find myself wandering around the kitchen I ask myself what do you need? Why are you here? What did you think food was going to do for you? Amazingly enough I'm starting to be able to answer those questions. And I'm starting to take care of myself in the right ways.
My family is never going to give up bread pizza or french fries from McDonald's, but they are concerned about me. I can never go back to eating the way I did. It took many months but they are gradually more interested in some of the changes. I still prepare the meals for them the way I always did but also prepare my meals with extra to share if they want it. My feelings aren't hurt if they don't. But more and more often they do.
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maillemaker wrote: »There is some truth to this, but expecting your spouse to at least not make a difficult thing more difficult is far from the same thing as expecting the entire world to accommodate you.
Exactly. Spouses are supposed to support each other through difficulty as they can.
Just because I chose to stop eating certain things does not mean my entire household has to put on the brakes and not bring it in the house because I had no control over what *I* put in my face. That's my problem, not theirs. Eventually my husband decided to join me. And guess what ... There's still ice cream, Oreo's, chocolate, cookies ... all sorts of treats in this house. The thing is, we've LEARNED to not be gluttons and eat them reasonably most of the time. I might finish off the cookie dough with wine tonight because I can and I'm a big enough girl to make those choices on my own. I assure you DH will not be forcing me to eat it, and I know better than to even ask him because he doesn't like it (and the wine is ALLLL MINE).0 -
I'm married and I have celiac disease. I haven't been able to eat pizza in 18 years. Do you know how hard that was for me?
I never once thought it was okay to deprive my husband of it.
That's the mindset here. People are all "me me me". It's all well and fine thinking, oh the husband is "doing" this to her, when in reality, the husband is just wanting a donut. His food choice is no more about her than my husband having pizza is about me.
So YES, it is expecting the world to accommodate and revolve around you.
Typical victim mindset of people who are not truly focused enough.
No one here has suggested, not even the OP, that they desire to deprive the husband of donuts. Nor that he cannot eat them.
What OP wants is for him not to bring them in the home.
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I don't understand how a person bringing food they enjoy into their own homes shows a lack of support for their spouse.
If your spouse didn't like cats, and you went and got a pet cat, would you be showing a lack of consideration for your spouse's feelings on cats?
The issue here is it's not just one spouse's home. It belongs to both of them, and as such both have a say in what can be brought into the home. This is true whether we are talking about pets, cigarettes, shoes, or donuts.
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TheVirgoddess wrote: »I don't understand how a person bringing food they enjoy into their own homes shows a lack of support for their spouse.
Some possible reasons:
Because some people can't take one without taking 6. Or they can't look at the box without (eventually) taking two. Because they've maybe asked the spouse not to do it and said spouse agreed
The only one I could reasonably agree with is the last one, which based on follow up comments isn't actually the case.0 -
Get a divorce.
Seriously, that is obviously the only answer.0 -
maillemaker wrote: »I don't understand how a person bringing food they enjoy into their own homes shows a lack of support for their spouse.
If your spouse didn't like cats, and you went and got a pet cat, would you be showing a lack of consideration for your spouse's feelings on cats?
The issue here is it's not just one spouse's home. It belongs to both of them, and as such both have a say in what can be brought into the home. This is true whether we are talking about pets, cigarettes, shoes, or donuts.
That analogy doesn't work. At all. Not at all.0 -
I use to think the exact same thing and you can lump in co-workers, friends and family... all saboteurs! Then I realize it was not about them and not about what they were doing - it was about ME! Me making my own choices, there will always be obstacles - some obvious and some not so obvious - eventually you chose how to overcome them and not use them as an excuse.0
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PikaKnight wrote: »maillemaker wrote: »I don't understand how a person bringing food they enjoy into their own homes shows a lack of support for their spouse.
If your spouse didn't like cats, and you went and got a pet cat, would you be showing a lack of consideration for your spouse's feelings on cats?
The issue here is it's not just one spouse's home. It belongs to both of them, and as such both have a say in what can be brought into the home. This is true whether we are talking about pets, cigarettes, shoes, or donuts.
That analogy doesn't work. At all. Not at all.
Why doesn't it? It all boils down to one spouse wants X in the house and the other does not.0 -
Why is it you always bring up smoking? I'd have to say at least 85% of your arguments end up bringing up smoking addiction to compare to food/sugar addictions.
I'm not talking about smoking from an addiction standpoint here. I'm talking about the smell. My step-mother does not like the smell of cigarettes, so my father smokes outside. This is the concession my father has decided to make on this issue. Even though it's his house, it's also her house and so both people have a say on whether smoking can happen in the house. Addiction has nothing to do with it.
I like cats. My wife does not like cats. So we have dogs for pets instead of cats. I could go get a cat anyway, but that would not be very supportive or empathetic towards my wife.
There are a million issues like this in marriage. Food is a tiny one.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »PikaKnight wrote: »maillemaker wrote: »I don't understand how a person bringing food they enjoy into their own homes shows a lack of support for their spouse.
If your spouse didn't like cats, and you went and got a pet cat, would you be showing a lack of consideration for your spouse's feelings on cats?
The issue here is it's not just one spouse's home. It belongs to both of them, and as such both have a say in what can be brought into the home. This is true whether we are talking about pets, cigarettes, shoes, or donuts.
That analogy doesn't work. At all. Not at all.
Why doesn't it? It all boils down to one spouse wants X in the house and the other does not.
Because a living, breathing thing that would require a huge financial and emotional commitment is the same as him bringing home donuts for him to eat once in awhile is completely comparable? What?0 -
maillemaker wrote: »I'm married and I have celiac disease. I haven't been able to eat pizza in 18 years. Do you know how hard that was for me?
I never once thought it was okay to deprive my husband of it.
That's the mindset here. People are all "me me me". It's all well and fine thinking, oh the husband is "doing" this to her, when in reality, the husband is just wanting a donut. His food choice is no more about her than my husband having pizza is about me.
So YES, it is expecting the world to accommodate and revolve around you.
Typical victim mindset of people who are not truly focused enough.
No one here has suggested, not even the OP, that they desire to deprive the husband of donuts. Nor that he cannot eat them.
What OP wants is for him not to bring them in the home.
Maybe the OP should specifically tell him that. If she lacks self control, she needs to convey that to him and hope he understands. Instead it seems she wants him to be a mind reader and when he is not, he gets pegged as a saboteur. That doesn't seem like a 50/50 compromise marriage to me.
But I am not married so I guess I cannot even fathom to understand the complexities of relationships. *eye rolls*
OP needs to own her own behavior, ask for what she wants and realize her diet is not always going to be everyone's top concern. Sorry, not sorry.
Actually, on page one I believe she said she planned to have a talk with him about what type of support she needed.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »PikaKnight wrote: »maillemaker wrote: »I don't understand how a person bringing food they enjoy into their own homes shows a lack of support for their spouse.
If your spouse didn't like cats, and you went and got a pet cat, would you be showing a lack of consideration for your spouse's feelings on cats?
The issue here is it's not just one spouse's home. It belongs to both of them, and as such both have a say in what can be brought into the home. This is true whether we are talking about pets, cigarettes, shoes, or donuts.
That analogy doesn't work. At all. Not at all.
Why doesn't it? It all boils down to one spouse wants X in the house and the other does not.
If you don't know the fundamental difference between a food item and a pet, we can't help. SMH.0
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