Husband sabotage
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Maybe OP is powerless to the foods she loves. Also still waiting to see if anyone got any husband saying like the happy wife happy life saying.0
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Divorce is clearly the only option here.
Unless you're willing to change your views about sabotage, he should totes divorce you.0 -
Mussronkey wrote: »My house is divided. Good healthy stuff on my side; bad yet wonderfully delicious snacks and sweets on my wife’s side. Talk about willpower! Do I grab some raw broccoli or join my wife in finishing off the remaining M&M’s from the candy jar? Does that make her an evil, evil person? Yes!
Lol - mine's the same way. My house contains unimaginable amounts of candy, ice cream, cake, donuts, cookies, snack cakes - you name it! We have a candy drawer, and a snack drawer, and a cookie shelf in one of our cabinets. All (mostly) eaten by my hubby who has no issues with his weight! It's been that way since we married 20+ years ago. I would never expect him to give it all up because I want to lose weight. That's why my little MFP tag line is 'If it's to be, it's up to me'. Last night, he stood by the treadmill for a bit gnoshing on a giant piece of DQ ice cream cake while smiling and watching me walk... Lol! Yes - he's an evil evil person too! But it's okay, cause he knows I can take it
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linerandcoffee wrote: »Sometimes people are afraid of change. Your husband could subconciously be going through the period of insecurity and uncertainty that comes with having a SO who is making drastic changes. In the back of his mind there could be a voice telling him that you'll be too good for him when you reach your goals, and he's afraid of losing the you that you used to be. But give him time, and remind him that this change will make you happier, which will fill his life with more joy and enthusiasm in the long run. Maybe he just needs reassurance that while your fat is going to disappear, you aren't going anywhere.
I've observed this in a few different couples, myself and hubby included. (I even have a really good friend whose husband shames and guilts her into not going to WW meetings and really does sabotage her best efforts.) Based on the examples the OP gave, I can't tell if he's necessarily sabotaging you or just continuing to do what he's used to doing. You might want to take some time to observe his behavior. Does he only ask you for help while you're working out? If so, maybe just say, "Sure honey, as soon as I'm done." Maybe you could put the donuts on a high shelf that only he could reach. If he asks why they're not on the counter where he left them, just say you'd be too tempted. That way it's not addressing his behavior, only yours. I agree with the other posters that you'll just have to keep doing things for yourself, and you may have a little more of an uphill battle than other people if you don't have a supportive spouse. I'd love to have my hubs be really supportive of my journey, but it's just not going to happen. Know that there are those of us who understand your struggle. Just keep at it, and you'll feel even better when you see what you've accomplished.0 -
_incogNEATo_ wrote: »Divorce is clearly the only option here.
Unless you're willing to change your views about sabotage, he should totes divorce you.
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Have you actually spelled out to him what support means? Have you asked him not to bring home junk food? Have you asked him not to interrupt you during your work-out? You may need to sit down with him and discuss what you actually need him to do in order to support you, and explain why your asking him to do these things. (With the junk food, he may not realize how hard it is for you to resist eating it; with the workout, he may just think it's no big deal for you to take a quick break.)callmemaui wrote: »Oh yeah. He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed but I don't see it.
It's possible he's being thoughtless rather than trying to sabotage you. Or, it could be he doesn't understand why HE has to change his ways (not bring home junk, wait for you to finish your workout when he needs help) in order for you to lose weight.
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megantischner wrote: »
Have you actually spelled out to him what support means? Have you asked him not to bring home junk food? Have you asked him not to interrupt you during your work-out? You may need to sit down with him and discuss what you actually need him to do in order to support you, and explain why your asking him to do these things. (With the junk food, he may not realize how hard it is for you to resist eating it; with the workout, he may just think it's no big deal for you to take a quick break.)callmemaui wrote: »Oh yeah. He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed but I don't see it.
It's possible he's being thoughtless rather than trying to sabotage you. Or, it could be he doesn't understand why HE has to change his ways (not bring home junk, wait for you to finish your workout when he needs help) in order for you to lose weight.
What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!0 -
megantischner wrote: »
Have you actually spelled out to him what support means? Have you asked him not to bring home junk food? Have you asked him not to interrupt you during your work-out? You may need to sit down with him and discuss what you actually need him to do in order to support you, and explain why your asking him to do these things. (With the junk food, he may not realize how hard it is for you to resist eating it; with the workout, he may just think it's no big deal for you to take a quick break.)callmemaui wrote: »Oh yeah. He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed but I don't see it.
It's possible he's being thoughtless rather than trying to sabotage you. Or, it could be he doesn't understand why HE has to change his ways (not bring home junk, wait for you to finish your workout when he needs help) in order for you to lose weight.
why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.0 -
callmemaui wrote: »HELP!!!! I think my husband us trying to sabotage my weight loss endeavor. When I explain to him that I am really trying hard this time, avoiding bad foods and trying to work out he's all for it. But his actions speak the exact opposite of support. Like yesterday he brought home donuts after work. And when I turn on my Zumba workout in the living room he gets annoyed and interrupts me to ask me to do something for him, like help him carry something to the garage. It's really frustrating. I was really hoping he would join me so we could go through this together, but it looks like I'm on my own. BUT I refuse to give in. I'm going to keep doing it and hopefully he'll get the hint that I'm in it for the long run.
Basically, you're making a big change (this is assuming you even stick with it, which is doubtful) and expecting the world around you to cater to your new needs. And you don't want to learn how to say "No", you just want the Universe to remove all temptation from you to make it easy on you.
That's what I'm hearing.
Yeah...good luck with that...
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linerandcoffee wrote: »Sometimes people are afraid of change. Your husband could subconciously be going through the period of insecurity and uncertainty that comes with having a SO who is making drastic changes. In the back of his mind there could be a voice telling him that you'll be too good for him when you reach your goals, and he's afraid of losing the you that you used to be. But give him time, and remind him that this change will make you happier, which will fill his life with more joy and enthusiasm in the long run. Maybe he just needs reassurance that while your fat is going to disappear, you aren't going anywhere.linerandcoffee wrote: »Sometimes people are afraid of change. Your husband could subconciously be going through the period of insecurity and uncertainty that comes with having a SO who is making drastic changes. In the back of his mind there could be a voice telling him that you'll be too good for him when you reach your goals, and he's afraid of losing the you that you used to be. But give him time, and remind him that this change will make you happier, which will fill his life with more joy and enthusiasm in the long run. Maybe he just needs reassurance that while your fat is going to disappear, you aren't going anywhere.
I've observed this in a few different couples, myself and hubby included. (I even have a really good friend whose husband shames and guilts her into not going to WW meetings and really does sabotage her best efforts.) Based on the examples the OP gave, I can't tell if he's necessarily sabotaging you or just continuing to do what he's used to doing. You might want to take some time to observe his behavior. Does he only ask you for help while you're working out? If so, maybe just say, "Sure honey, as soon as I'm done." Maybe you could put the donuts on a high shelf that only he could reach. If he asks why they're not on the counter where he left them, just say you'd be too tempted. That way it's not addressing his behavior, only yours. I agree with the other posters that you'll just have to keep doing things for yourself, and you may have a little more of an uphill battle than other people if you don't have a supportive spouse. I'd love to have my hubs be really supportive of my journey, but it's just not going to happen. Know that there are those of us who understand your struggle. Just keep at it, and you'll feel even better when you see what you've accomplished.thorsmom01 wrote: »
My husband brings home sweets all the time. He also interups me at the gym by calling me and asking where I put his shoes and other dumb things. He's not sabotaging me . the only way he could sabotage me would be if I let him.
Its my choice what I eat and its my choice to ignore him while working out. Its not that big of a deal that he brought donuts home. Its up to you if you eat them or not.
You also can't expect him to totally change his ways just because you have decided to lose weight.
^ All excellent points. You're the one that is changing behavior here, he doesn't have to. As for the donuts - think of it as a willpower exercise. The interruption while exercising - make a set time for no interruptions.
My husband buys beer all the time, good delicious craft beer that I love, but I prefer to eat my calories instead of drink them, so I don't (unless I've specifically made room for it in my day because I refuse to write off things I love - that whole moderation thing). When I open the fridge and see them, or open one to give him, it doesn't bother me. I've worked my willpower muscle excessively and it's paying off. It isn't sabotage.
Edit: To add another quote.0 -
What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
So he can't bring foods he wants to eat because it might tempt the OP? What? That's pretty selfish to expect, imo.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
I thought about the above bolded...
For me personally...not sure that I want someone else to make it easier. What does make it easier...for me...
Each day that I manage to make good decisions...each day that I don't give in to those temptations that I face every day...makes it easier.
Maybe I look at all of this differently than some...I want to have to fight for this...on my own. I don't want to depend on others to make it easier.
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callmemaui wrote: »Thank you so much for the advice and support! You're right. I can only control myself. I don't have to eat the donuts, and I do realize that I need to be more specific with him. I'm going to have a good talk with him this evening.
He may be worried that your desire to change stems from unhappiness, and that perhaps he is something you are unhappy with. If this is not the case, make sure he knows it. During this talk and all throughout your weight loss. It's actually pretty common for a spouse to leave after losing weight, so make sure he knows why you want to change.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
Wow.
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megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
so support = giving up all the foods he loves, because OP thinks they are bad?
FYI - you can eat donuts, lose weight, and be healthy.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
I thought about the above bolded...
For me personally...not sure that I want someone else to make it easier. What does make it easier...for me...
Each day that I manage to make good decisions...each day that I don't give in to those temptations that I face every day...makes it easier.
Maybe I look at all of this differently than some...I want to have to fight for this...on my own. I don't want to depend on others to make it easier.
1000% agree with. Matter of fact I would test myself to see how much self control and will power I have.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
I thought about the above bolded...
For me personally...not sure that I want someone else to make it easier. What does make it easier...for me...
Each day that I manage to make good decisions...each day that I don't give in to those temptations that I face every day...makes it easier.
Maybe I look at all of this differently than some...I want to have to fight for this...on my own. I don't want to depend on others to make it easier.
I agree with this.
I don't want it to be easier, I want temptations, so that I can teach myself no/yes/moderation or just indulged cause had a great workout this week or whatever.0 -
Anyone thinking in a mindset of "sabotage" is starting off on the wrong foot. I'm not even going to address the specific poster in this thread, I'm just going to put the whole thought out there.
Getting control over our own food intake is no one else's job. The world does not have to accommodate the fact that each of us have issues with it. That's our problem. We need to learn to handle multiple temptations in all sorts of situations, and that begins at home.
Expecting someone else to change because you're changing? Flip that scenario around? How put upon would you feel? And before anyone jumps in and says that they'd do it for their spouse out of WUV, think long and hard about changing all your habits out of the blue.
So all of you who believe in the concept of sabotage, just how do you deal with temptation at all? Honestly.
Weight loss and maintenance have abysmal long-term success rates, and I think a mindset like this might be one of the many factors why.
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